"How long before we reach our destination, Master?" Anakin asked impatiently, pacing the small strip of worn down carpet between the isles of seating. It was all empty, aside Anakin and his Master, Obi-wan Kenobi.
"Patience my young apprentice, we'll arrive soon enough." Obi-wan gently reprimanded while silently probing for any hint as to why he might have been so troubled. Asking didn't always yield the best results. Anakin's emotions were often turbulent, such as they were now. They swirled about him in conflicting drifts of frustration and anxiety. The roots of which he rarely spoke of. Teaching the boy had proven to be a difficult task to say the least.
Obi-wan knew when he took on Anakin as his padawan that they were never going to have the typical student-teacher relationship that most others in the temple had experienced. Anakin was different, not from the temple. He remembered his mother. He had endured a terrible childhood at the hands of slavers and the like. Going through such things had muddled the young man's heart with attachments and pain.
And it was all understandable. Obi-wan only wished Anakin would open up more about his troubles. Though as he had aged into his late teen years, he only seemed to retreat more into himself rather than seek the help of his Master. Often times Obi-wan was left wondering if he was doing something wrong. There was always the lingering feeling that he wasn't enough for Anakin. That the boy needed something more. Something more than what he was capable of giving at all.
But Anakin wasn't about to let him in, not like Obi-wan wished he would. So he stood at a distance giving Anakin the room he thought he needed. It was the gist of their relationship ever since the beginning. Though admittedly in those first years the distance was mostly born from Obi-wan's grief over losing his Master so traumatically and horrifically. Qui-gon's sudden passing had scarred Obi-wan's heart more than he would ever admit to the council.
While Anakin had trouble with attachment Obi-wan did as well. It was something he tried his very best to avoid as he knew it was a weakness. Though he couldn't help it. He had a heart that cared for others and rightly so. A Jedi was supposed to help people. Just like he wanted so desperately to help Anakin. If only he knew how. He wasn't sure he would ever unlock the labyrinth of the young man's heartache and sorrow. All he could do was try.
And he did try.
So as they dropped out of hyperspace and approached the small green colored world in the distance Obi-wan looked back to Anakin who continuously paced the small stretch between the seats of the transport. His brow furrowed intensely over squinted eyes as he marched up and down the corridor.
Obi-wan could sense the traces of frustration leaching out from him. At the heart of it was a restless energy that coiled at the core of his being. It prompted him to act or do, just as he always did.
Anakin had always found mediation near to impossible. Well, the traditional type of meditation that Obi-wan had practiced. Anakin practiced a moving meditation where he would do some small task, or pace as he was doing now. Only while exerting some type of energy could he ever truly be at peace. Though now as he continued to amble about Obi-wan felt anything but peace in the young man's aura. The restlessness grew until he was practically bursting at the seams.
"Anakin," Obi-wan spoke softly as he motioned to the chair at his side. "Why don't you come and sit for a moment?"
Anakin's gaze snapped out from his inner world and over to his Master who sat at the front right quarter of the passenger section. After a small huff of resentment he went over and sat as Obi-wan had requested. Immediately Kenobi was thoroughly surprised. It was a rare occasion for Anakin to do something he clearly didn't want to do especially without some sort of verbal protest. If a huff was all he was going to give in objection it was a good day.
Obi-wan smiled warmly and turned to face his student as Anakin sat beside him. Even though Anakin crossed his arms and slumped down in the chair, a small win was better than no win at all. So Obi-wan dared to push his luck a bit further with a question.
"Anakin, I sense something is troubling you." Obi-wan said empathetically, reaching out to him through the force. He studied Anakin's expression and aura, searching for signs of reception or rejection of his words. Sensing it was safe enough to proceed he continued.
"If you feel up to it, I'm here to listen to whatever it is that's on your mind." Obi-wan said. This time his words were met with an aggravated sigh.
Obi-wan deflated slightly as he turned to press his back against the seat again. He had failed. He had done or said something wrong again.
His efforts always ended up at the same dead end. Though Anakin would never give even a hint of what it was that turned him away from his council, Obi-wan could tell when the boy would stop listening. There weren't always physical cues but it was a distinct feeling across their bond. Obi-wan knew when he was talking at a wall, it had become all too familiar.
"I know you might disagree but I care about you a great deal. Perhaps more than I ought to. Your happiness is important to me Anakin. All I want in the entire galaxy is for you to be happy." Obi-wan said quietly, mostly speaking to himself.
But he felt the life in their bond light up again as Anakin became receptive to what he was saying. Only he wasn't being met with any smiles or appreciation. It was raw hurt and anger that came rushing across. Though Obi-wan supposed it was better than keeping it all to himself. Bottling up one's emotions never led to anything positive coming about.
"You tell me to open up to you, but every time I do you just lecture me. You never really listen." Anakin spat out, his remark bolstered with more negative emotion than justifiable for the circumstance. But his anger and pent up frustration was about more than just this one issue. It was a sea of rage and grief that had been growing ever since he was a child.
Obi-wan took a breath and tried to remind himself to be patient. If he was going to ask Anakin to practice patience he needed to master it himself. Though it had never been one of his natural strong suits. "I am truly sorry for making you feel that way. It has never been my intention." Obi-wan said carefully and honestly.
Anakin turned to face his Master and spat back with a sneer. "No, of course not. It never is, is it?"
"What's this all about?" Obi-wan asked with his brow creased in concern. He could see his Padawan's eyes gloss over ever so slightly before the young man turned to face frontwards again.
"Forget about it, you would never understand." Anakin said dismissively, pushing the rogue tears back down before they could ever surface.
Perhaps he thought his Master hadn't noticed, but he had. But Obi-wan, ever aloof when it came to matters of such delicate nature, had no idea what to do with a Padawan on the verge of tears. It hurt Obi-wan's heart greatly. Again he had absolutely nothing to give in a situation that clearly called for some sort of skilled intervention.
It was in moments such as these that he would give Anakin space. But was it because that was what the moment truly called for? Or was it all he knew how to give? Although he would have liked to believe otherwise Obi-wan knew it was the latter.
"I don't think that's very fair." Obi-wan said quiet yet adamantly. Anakin looked over at his Master with an astonished and confused gaze.
"What do you mean?" Anakin asked, slowly lowering his guard if only by a fraction.
"You're accusing me of not being able to understand. But you aren't even giving me the opportunity to prove that assumption wrong." Obi-wan said calmly and decisively. It was perhaps a calculative and logical thing to say, and typically such things infuriated Anakin to no end. But this time Anakin took the words to heart.
Obi-wan smiled inside of himself. Another small win. He would take what he could get.
"I suppose," Anakin said with a frown as he turned to face forwards again. His face contorted against tears for a moment before going stoic again. Clearly whatever it was that bothered the young man was greatly troublesome. He took a shaky breath before he spoke. Obi-wan leaned close intently, ready to carefully listen and be the best Master he knew how to be.
"It's just that," Anakin started, pausing as bouts of tears threatened to overwhelm him. Obi-wan could sense them just on the horizon of Anakin's aura. With great effort the young man was able to stave them off. "It gets so lonely. I don't have any friends. No one understands me, no one can relate to someone who didn't grow up at the temple," Anakin said, his voice gaining momentum as his sorrows mutated into a simmering rage.
"No one trusts me. All the other Padawans get sent on solo missions, but not me. This is the first mission i've been sent on in months, and it's not even important. It's just a meaningless retrieval task. But you get sent on missions all the time, and I never get to go," Anakin continued, his voice growing from loud to near shouting as he continued to vent.
"You just leave me alone with all the other Padawans at the temple to train with whoever is unlucky enough to get saddled with me for the day. The only reason you brought me along at all this time is because Master Yoda told you to." Anakin shouted accusingly, a few tears beading at the edges of his eyes.
Obi-wan was taken slightly aback. "Anakin, that's not true," he started, immediately regretting his words.
"See, I told you, I knew you wouldn't understand." Anakin retorted quickly, darkly gratified that his prediction had been accurate.
Only it wasn't. Obi-wan did understand how his Padawan felt, but it was obscured by the lens of youth and insecurity. "That's not what I mean, I do understand, I do,-"
"Sure." Anakin said, his voice jaded and flat. "Now you can just get on with the lecture and tell me how our mission isn't trivial, and how you and the council really do trust me. Only I know that they don't. Master Windu has disliked me ever since Qui-gon brought me to the temple. And I heard Master Yoda order you to take me with you. You didn't want to bring me at all."
"I don't like dragging you away from your studies when you started training so many years after all the other Padawans, it's not that I don't want you with me, Anakin," Obi-wan tried to explain. But it all fell on deaf ears.
"And Master Windu doesn't dislike you. He was skeptical about your training. It has nothing to do with you as a person. And no, this mission isn't trivial at all. The Holocrons we are after are very dangerous, we can't let them fall into the wrong hands. It's very possible we will even face opposition during their extraction. Not to mention they are in the heart of a Sith temple on a Sith planet no less." Obi-wan said, then sighed. Anakin wasn't about to hear any of it.
"I told you, you wouldn't understand." Anakin said as he quickly rose from his seat and continued pacing the length of the ship. "I just want to get off this ship so I can get away from you." Anakin said sharply as he wiped away the moisture out of his eyes.
Oh, Anakin. If only he could take a moment to understand. But like most times, he was entirely too wrapped up in his emotions to hear anything his Master had to say. But in the end, Anakin's failure to listen was Obi-wan's failure. He would have to try harder if he was going to get the young man to understand.
….
Anakin continued to pace the small space until his feet began to rub raw in his new boots. Perhaps he should have donned his better worn ones before the mission, but he was always growing at a rapid pace. He had outgrown three sets of boots in the last standard year alone. Not to mention trousers and tunics and the like. It had been that way for the last two to three years. He had even grown past his own Master in height.
The thought of it amused him at times. Though it could be taken symbolically as well. He had always been progressing at a pace much faster than Obi-wan would ever recognise. He was stronger, faster, and much more powerful in the force than all other padawans his age. Obi-wan might have claimed to not want to drag him away from his studies because of how late he began training but he wasn't in deficit at all. If his Master truly saw him that way it was only because he refused to see how far he had come. Whatever the reason was it hurt Anakin all the same.
It was alright that all the others in the temple might not have understood him. It was even okay if the council didn't like him or if Mace still disagreed with his training. It would have all been alright if his Master could understand and accept him. But even that seemed too much to ask for. Because Obi-wan didn't appear to understand the unique circumstances he was set against or how it affected him. He would just sit there and tell him how he had it all wrong, how he ought to be looking at things differently.
How easy for someone to say when they had never lived the life Anakin had led. Obi-wan couldn't even remember his parents faces or names. It was as if they had never existed. Obi-wan had never been enslaved, made to serve at the whims of others. He had never been beaten for walking too slow or talking. Or perhaps just for someone's enjoyment. Anakin had. And no one would ever understand how living that sort of life for so long would change a person.
So he felt emotions. He felt them loudly. He felt fear, pain and loss. Shame, regret, and loneliness. Especially loneliness. What might life have been like had he been born under republic rule? If the Jedi were able to get to him early on in life?
He would have never known his mother or his friends growing up. He would never have felt the freedom of pod racing- the one good and exhilarating thing in his young life at the time. He would have never become so skilled in fixing things.
That seemed to be the one thing that everyone in the temple would come to him seeking help for. In the moment it made him feel useful and helpful. Those emotions were the fuel for his existence as a child. To feel them again made him truly happy.
But always trying to be the best Jedi he could be with no one to appreciate or understand how hard he worked or how far he had come didn't make him feel useful or helpful. It made him feel invisible and meaningless. It took him to a place where he thought he might have understood what being alone really was.
And at most times that's how he felt. Just like now. Obi-wan had tried to connect and Anakin could feel his intention. His Master really only did want the best for him in spite of their divide. But that didn't change the fact that Obi-wan didn't understand.
Obi-wan could never know the anguish that gripped Anakin's heart when he heard Master Yoda admonishing him to bring his Padawan along on his mission.
Anakin had been hiding in a nook a few paces over from where Obi-wan had sat at the terminal, researching the planet in question for their current mission. He hadn't overtly been trying to spy on his Master. Anakin did have legitimate business in the archive library having to do with an assignment in one of his temple classes. But when he saw his Master at the terminal he went over to approach him.
He didn't get far before Master Yoda got to Obi-wan first. Not wanting to appear too obvious Anakin hid in one of the nooks nearby. Master Yoda had rattled off something first in a quiet voice. Anakin hadn't been able to distinguish his words.
But Obi-wan's words although equally quiet were easy to pick up. He had been listening for that man's voice for the last nine years of his young life.
"He's not ready for this sort of mission Master Yoda. Krayiss Two is a dangerous place. The whole council knows it. That's why they sent me alone." Obi-wan said, his words rife with dissent and disagreement.
"Ready he may not be, yet take him you must. Surprise you, your Padawan might." Yoda said in a less covert voice.
Obi-wan let out a sigh of aquiesment. "If you insist, Master Yoda. I suppose I ought to rely on your insights. Perhaps i'm too close to the situation to see it as clearly as you."
"Wise you are, Obi-wan. Wise your Padawan will be, as well." Yoda said with a chuckle before turning to leave.
Anakin was both broken and excited. He was bursting with joy to be able to go with his Master on a mission, finally. But the circumstances of his tagging along were less than desirable. Obi-wan didn't want him there. He didn't think he was ready.
Obi-wan thought Anakin would only be a liability, that he couldn't protect himself or be of use. He wanted to prove his Master wrong. He wanted a chance to show just how much he had learned. Admittedly, brooding as he had been for the entire duration of their journey wasn't helping his case at all. Especially not after spouting off like he had moments ago.
But he couldn't take it back now, and he wasn't going to apologize. After all, he was the Padawan not the Master. He did just want to get off the small cramped transport so he could get out into some fresh air.
Just as he didn't think he could stand another moment on the ship, the transport had settled down into a small clearing between dense brush and tree cover. Without a word Anakin traversed to the cargo hold to get one of the packs they had prepared for the journey.
Instead of picking up the lighter of the two, he deliberately chose the heaviest one. It had been intended for his Master to carry but he wasn't about to be treated like the lesser of the two. He was strong, more than adequate to be able to carry a heavier pack. He felt it was a slight to him that his Master had their supplies be distributed disproportionately at all. It wasn't as if he were ten years old. He was eighteen now. He had been for several months. In most republic worlds that was the age of adulthood. Any other man his age would have been treated as such, not as the child Obi-wan still thought of him as.
Obi-wan trailed after him a few steps behind as Anakin descended from the transport and out into the small clearing. The air smelled different. It was humid and heavy, and filled with earthy scents. The ground under his feet was soft and spongy, and gave in to his weight as he walked on it. It was a relief since his feet had been rather torn up from pacing back and forth. At least by the end of their trip his new boots would be fully broken in.
"Anakin, you took the wrong pack," Obi-wan said as he walked out behind him.
"That's fine, Master. I'm more than competent to be able to carry the heavier one." Anakin said with an air of pride, not turning to look at the man.
Obi-wan heaved a sigh as he came to stand beside Anakin. "I'm sure you are. No one's doubting that."
In a change of tone as he attended to the business at hand, Obi-wan pulled a small data pad from the folds of his tunic. "At any rate our target is about a day or two south of our current location." He said showing the map readout to Anakin.
Anakin glanced at it then turned to face his Master. "Why did we land so far out? It seems excessive to travel the rest on foot."
"There isn't any other viable place to land that would get us any closer." Obi-wan paused and smiled much to Anakin's irritation. "Besides, what would a mission be without a little physical training?"
Anakin gave a blunt smile in return. "Of course, Master. After you." He said, as Obi-wan took the lead.
It wasn't long before the two of them had to take out their sabers just to cut through the brush to make enough of a path for them to travel through. The growth was dense but the forest around them was quiet. Though Anakin didn't give much thought to it.
"I thought this was supposed to be a Sith planet." Anakin stated, hacking away at the vegetation before him.
"It is indeed that, Padawan." Obi-wan answered back with labored breath. The two of them had been slashing and cutting through the terrain for the past several hours at this point, and the hot tepid air wasn't doing them any favors.
"Aren't Sith planets supposed to be, oh I don't know, dead?" Anakin said in frustration as they pressed on.
"Not necessarily. There haven't been any Sith on this planet for several thousands of years. The desolation of many Sith worlds is merely a testament to the weapons of war that they employ." Obi-wan explained.
"But isn't that what the Sith want? To destroy everything? Isn't life an affront to their order?" Anakin asked in curiosity.
"Sith seek power. More often than not that power leads to the desolation of worlds, the depletion of resources. But it's all secondary." Obi-wan replied back as he continued slashing forwards.
"So what are we here for, exactly?" Anakin asked, relieved as they came upon vegetation that was much less dense and didn't require the use of lightsabers to walk through.
"There's a collection of Holocrons in the Sith temple near here. Each one houses the soul of an ancient Sith. They were said to be in hibernation, waiting for the right time to rise to power. Needless to say we can't let them fall into the wrong hands. On the black market they would be near to priceless. Each one would fetch a price more than any scavenger or pirate could ever dream of." Obi-wan said grimly.
"Why would they put themselves inside a Holocron? They would have had no way of knowing that they would ever be released back into the galaxy." Anakin asked, bewildered at the thought.
"It's all about the pursuit of power, Anakin. Be glad you don't understand it. Most sane beings don't." Obi-wan said with thinly veiled aggression. "The Dark Side of the force leads one to adopt ideas and delusions that lead to nothing but suffering."
Anakin thought about what his Master had just said, sensing a chord of pain strike through their bond. It was a feeling Anakin was all too familiar with though he seldom felt the same in his Master.
"I'm sorry Master, I didn't mean to upset you," Anakin said carefully. He thought he might have already known the root of such a dark emotion. It wouldn't be far fetched to assume the death of Qui-gon still haunted him. As much as they clashed quite often Anakin couldn't imagine losing his Master, especially so violently. And judging from how he spoke of him Obi-wan and Qui-gon had grown quite close before his passing. Though for as traumatic as the experience might have been Obi-wan had next to never spoken of it.
"I apologize, Anakin. Sometimes I find it… difficult to remain neutral when dealing with matters relating to the Sith and their madness. I should be more diligent in releasing those sorts of emotions into the force. Please don't take my poor example as something to emulate." Obi-wan said in sincere apology.
Anakin stopped. Obi-wan paused shortly after and turned to face him. "Master, I understand. Please don't apologize, you don't need to be sorry. When something so terrible happens, no matter how hard you might try, sometimes it's impossible to let go of those emotions completely." He said, surprised at how quickly he rushed to provide emotional support. It seemed out of character, after all he was the Padawan. Perhaps he was looking more for validation of his own travails. Either way to think that he and his Master could understand each other on such a grave issue made him feel slightly less alone.
Obi-wan seemed bothered by Anakin's words, and took a deep breath before responding. "But I should be sorry. And I am. I'm supposed to be setting a better example for you. Releasing such heavy emotions into the force might be very difficult, but it's not impossible." He said, his blue eyes searching out Anakin's gaze.
Anakin felt invalidated by his Master's words. Even when he was trying to connect with his teacher and help support him somehow the man still managed to turn that into a lecture as well.
Obi-wan must have felt his defeat through their bond. Promptly he stepped in closer and placed a gentle hand on Anakin's shoulder. "Neither of us have yet to conquer that skill. Perhaps we're meant to learn how, together." Obi-wan said reassuringly, his blue eyes smiling back at Anakin brightly.
The gentle sentiment hit Anakin hard as the sea of anger and tears that always rested just below the surface began to swell and roar. There were so many things that he wanted to say, so many thing that hurt him that he didn't know how to handle let alone release. But his master, perhaps not to the same extent, understood what that was like, too.
Just before his tears broke the surface Anakin threw his arms around his Master's shoulders and buried his face in the layered tunics. Hesitantly yet gently Obi-wan cast his arms around Anakin as well, reciprocating his embrace. The feeling of another being holding him in such a way was powerful.
Anakin had always been such a physical person. His Master in contrast, had always been rather reserved. There were few times Anakin could remember that Obi-wan had given him such physical reassurance. Right now it didn't matter so much that his Master hadn't been the one to initiate it. It meant the world to him that he reciprocated it.