Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Rowling, their creator, and no money is being made from this story.

A/N: I wish I could explain this. I can't. I have no clue where this came from or why it's dialogue only. Hopefully it's not too confusing, and you chuckle as much as I did while writing it.

Warning: General crack ahead.

"We are never having sex again. Never. Or any kind of sexual relations."
"Draco, love, don't you think you might be…"
"Might be what Potter?"
"Absolutely right of course."
"You think I'm overreacting don't you?"

"Well…"
"Harry James Potter my mother walked in on us."
"Yes, but…"
"While you had your cock up my arse."
"All she did was tell us to disinfect the counter. It could have been worse."

"How?"
"It could have been your father."

"Draco? Come on now I was just as mortified."
"No you were not. You were laughing too hard."

"Don't pout like that."
"Pout? This is not pouting."
"Did your bottom lip get stung by a hornet then?"
"You hadn't even the decency to cover me up! You were too busy rolling on the ground!"
"Well her face…"

"And showing her everything Merlin gave you!"
"Yes, but your face…"
"And she told and now everyone keeps giving us these looks and I swear those twins are planning a calendar."
"Draco…"
"A CALENDER HARRY."

"You worry too much."
"Weasley turns purple every time he sees us together."

"And the girl looks like she is going to drool."
"Mmph…"

"And Molly keeps staring like we're going to do something on her precious table and….Harry?"
"Mmmm…"
"Are you laughing?"
"Um..no?"
"You absolute wanker you most certainly are."

"Haven't heard you rant like that since school."
"You're sleeping on the couch you know."
"Are you sleeping with me?"
"Malfoys do not sleep on couches."
"Mmhm."

"Though I could be persuaded."
"Could you?"
"If you keep doing that."
"Am I forgiven?"
"Mmm that depends. Are you on your knees to beg or to oh Gods Harry just like that."

"OH MERLIN MY EYES."
"Dammit Ron."
"AGAIN POTTER? AGAIN? WHY DO THEY NOT KNOCK?"
"No Draco don't slam the door the pictures..."
"I HAVE TO BURN MY EYES. OH GOODBYE SIGHT."
"Great Draco, now the pictures are broken."

"I DON'T CARE HARRY THIS IS THE SECOND TIME AND OH GODS MOTHER WILL KILL ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU LOCK THE DOOR?"
"GOODBYE COLOURS AND SUNSETS AND OH GODS I WILL NEVER RECOVER. HERMIONE I NEED A MIND HEALER STAT."
"GRANGER WAS HERE TOO?!"
"Draco, love, you know if you screech like that your throat will hurt tomorrow."
"So will yours by the look of things when we walked in Harry."

"HIS THROAT HERMIONE DON'T SAY THAT OH GODS."
"POTTER STOP LAUGHING."
"HERMIONE IT'S NOT FUNNY."
"Oh Gods I can't breathe."
"THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT PEOPLE WALKING IN WITH MY COCK IN YOUR MOUTH."

"OH MERLIN MY EARS."
"I quite agree with Weasley."
"Hello Mr. Malfoy."
"Oh Merlin fuck me."
"I thought his name was Harry."
"HERMIONE!"