Love is a Social Disease

by WhosJeebus

Joey Wheeler makes a few Valentine's Day observations about Seto Kaiba, and maybe even learns some things about himself along the way.

Title: Love is a Social Disease

Author: WhosJeebus

Rating: M

Pairings: Seto Kaiba / Joey Wheeler

Beta: The mysterious and amazing Zelly!

Spoilers: Meh. Not really.

Disclaimer: I'm sad to say that I DO NOT own Yu-Gi-Oh! They don't really let us have many personal possessions here at the institution.

Summary: Joey Wheeler makes a few Valentine's Day observations about Seto Kaiba, and maybe even learns some things about himself along the way.

It was just after seven thirty in the morning when the first one made her move. I'd been napping in the foyer for about ten minutes when Kaiba made his usual grand entrance, striding arrogantly past my resting spot with just the barest hint of a sneer on his face. I smiled brightly up at him, knowing instinctively that that sneer wasn't meant for anyone but me. It probably still irked him that I always got to school even earlier than HIS over-achieving ass, but my old man's apartment isn't exactly close by, and I don't make the subway schedules, now do I? The jerk should realize by now that I'm not any happier about it than he is.

Kaiba disappeared around the corner as a small shadow detached itself from the wall next to the trophy case and scurried after him. Yawning, I glanced down at my watch as soon as I heard the soft murmur of voices drifting from the adjacent hallway. Despite the appalling hour, Kaiba wasn't off his game one bit. Two minutes and twenty seven seconds later, the girl came flying back up the corridor, clutching a ripped paper heart and crying her eyes out. Amateur.

Even if she'd actually stood a chance, only a moron would approach Seto Kaiba before he'd had his morning iced-grande-half-decaf-white-mocha-with-extra-two-percent-milk-and-no-whip. Still, the lovesick fangirls were off to an early start this year, and there was a long school day ahead of us. Who knew what could happen?

First period geography saw two more card-bearing co-eds deflected with a low snarl. Personally, I think they gave up too easily. I've seen Moneybags inflict ten times the damage for much lesser offenses, and I'd really been looking forward to hearing some of his trademark scathing insults before homeroom. Those chicks hadn't even made it within a five foot radius of his desk. How pathetic.

I met up with Yug' just outside the door to Economics, and I could tell even from a distance that he was practically bursting with excitement. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the classroom behind him.

"Kirstin Krumholtz has a dozen roses!"

I sucked in a breath. "You're shittin' me!"

"I shit you not. Ryou even bet me ten bucks that he lets her down gently."

I snorted. "Ry's a hopeless romantic." I felt a distinctly familiar tingle on the back of my neck. "Here he comes. Let's grab some good seats."

"Not TOO close, Joey. I don't want to get hit by flying debris."

Kirstin Krumholtz was, without a doubt, THE smartest girl in our senior class. Kaiba was a shoe-in for valedictorian, even without an extra-curricular to his name, but it was common knowledge that KK was hot on his heels. It was ALSO common knowledge that she'd been crushing on Kaiba since freshman year. The general consensus was that she stood a better chance with him than most anyone else did, but even though Kirstin was one hot piece of tail, I was never one to bet on a sure thing.

A hush fell over the room as Kaiba's imposing frame filled the doorway, and I barely had time to blink before KK was rushing him like he was a loose ball on the first yard line. I inwardly cringed when she launched herself into Kaiba's personal space, thrusting her bouquet of roses toward that perpetually scowling face like an eager... well, I was going to say 'puppy', but let's just keep that between us, OK? I was almost embarrassed for the poor kid as I listened to her words fall all over themselves. She was trying her damnedest to impress the surly bastard. Honestly, I've never seen what all the girls go so gaa-gaa over anyways. I mean, he's just a guy, right?

I gotta give KK credit though. Kaiba's glare would've stopped a stampeding elephant dead in its tracks, but she just steamrolled right over him. Chick gets an 'A' for effort, at least.

I figured I'd grab a quick snack before the fur started flying, but when I leaned over to rummage around in my backpack, Yugi gave me a none-too-gentle jab in the ribs with that sharp little elbow of his. I was gonna give him an earful for that, but by that point I was kind of busy choking on my own tongue. Kaiba had taken the bouquet and was SNIFFING at it with this goofy, little half-smile on his face. What the fuck was up with that?

"I don't know what to say. These are beautiful."

OK...SOMETHING was definitely screwy here. The look on Kirstin's face was heart-breaking, but I wasn't ready to buy into Kaiba's 'change of heart' just yet.

"R-really? You like them?"

Like lightning, that nasty smirk was back in place. Oh God. Brace for impact, KK!

"Of course not."

The prick took two steps toward the teacher's desk and unceremoniously dumped the roses in the trash can. That's just cold, man.

"I'm sorry," Jesus, he was just DRIPPING sarcasm now. "Was I supposed to swoon at your feet because you accosted me with dead flowers?" KK was starting to get that wild, cornered look on her face, but Kaiba already had her backed up against the chalkboard and was letting loose. I hated to leave a man behind, but any idiot could tell that it was too late for her. I hummed a few bars of 'Taps' under my breath as the poor kid went down in flames.

"It's Kirstin, isn't it? For some bizarre reason, I was under the impression that you were somewhat more intelligent than the rest of these imbeciles, but it seems that I was mistaken. Have I mentioned that I despise being wrong almost as much as I despise pushy, delusional females who are under the impression that I'm willing to give them the time of day?"

Ooo, zing! As cut-downs go, it was a bit rough around the edges, but still managed to represent the high-quality vindictiveness that I've come to expect from Seto Kaiba. No matter how bad I felt for KK, there's just something about the thrill of first blood that brings out the sadist in me.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught Ryou grudgingly forking over a tenner as Yugi low-fived Tristan under the desk. Subtle, guys. Té a shot all three of us matching looks of disapproval, but I could tell that her heart wasn't really in it. She'd never been all that fond of KK in the first place. I smiled to myself and tuned back in to the Kaiba and Kirstin show. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only sick bastard enjoying the impromptu performance.

"I just thought --"

"No, you didn't. That's the entire problem." Kaiba was now totally towering over Kirstin, who was busy attempting to quietly meld with the wall behind her. I'd been in the exact same position more times than I could count, and I didn't envy her the privilege of a full-on rant from Mr. Heartless himself. I knew from first-hand experience that he was only beginning to gather steam.

Kaiba raked her up and down with those piercing blue eyes as he curled his lip. Damn, he was ENJOYING this.

"Unlike myself, you don't look as though you can afford to be spending fifty dollars on a worthless bunch of flowers. Given your obvious lack of basic intelligence, you'd be better off saving that money for community college. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe class is about to start. I'm sure it would be beneficial if you at least TRIED to pay attention." He brushed past her and eased himself into the desk on my left, all smug assurance and bad attitude. Who did he think he was fooling with that 'cool as a cucumber' act? Everybody KNOWS he gets off on leaving carnage in his wake.

I started to give him a piece of my mind, but Mr. Bayles chose that moment to walk in the door and start yammering something about a pop quiz. Great. Hope the fat chump slips and falls in the puddle of teenage girl goo that Kaiba left on the floor. Was nice knowing you, KK.

Fourth period health was my least favorite class of all time, not for the subject matter, but because it happened to fall right before lunch. I usually whiled away the hour by cursing the clock and trying to muffle the noises my stomach made, but today I figured I could count on a bit of distraction from Kaiba. Right now I'd happily jump on any diversion that might help me forget about my imminent starvation.

We'd spent the last quarter of a year giggling and blushing our way through four chapters on human reproduction, and now we were about to embark on a thrilling voyage into the wonderful world of sexually transmitted diseases. Even -I- couldn't think of anything more appropriate, given the circumstances.

Ms. Runger looked kind of hung over again today, so I wasn't really surprised when she gave us a reading assignment, started up a video and left us to fend for ourselves. Half the class immediately disappeared out the door, but the other half turned as one and started eyeballing Kaiba.

I could tell he felt their gazes on him, but he covered it well. He slouched down in his desk some more, folded his arms across his chest and scowled for all he was worth. The way he was focusing on that video you'd think that the chemical structure of syphilis was the most fascinating thing he'd ever laid eyes on in his life.

The Morrison twins exchanged a glance and made as if to get up from their seats, but a well-timed eye twitch from Kaiba had them rethinking that plan. They put their heads together and regrouped while the next batch of lemmings began vying for position.

Andrea Curtis, co-captain of the cheerleading team and all around sex goddess, apparently saw her opportunity and decided to go for the gold. She made it two steps out into the aisle when Moneybags lazily lifted a hand and pointed directly at her. Frozen in her tracks by that single, unwavering finger, I could see her start to sweat from all the way across the room. Without taking his eyes from the TV screen, Kaiba made a shooing gesture at her and she scampered back to her desk like her hair was on fire and her ass was catching. She looked pathetically grateful to be spared any of Kaiba's verbal abuse. I didn't really blame her.

The next one wasn't so lucky. Julie Paddleford didn't have to rely on shaky legs to carry her toward the lion's den, since she was already sitting right next to Kaiba. Despite what you might think, proximity isn't necessarily a GOOD thing in cases like these. Still, it must be a relief to know that she could make her move from the relative safety of home base. Anyways, that giant rack of hers would probably overbalance her if she tried to get up and take a walk. Yeah, I'm petty. So what?

Julie leaned sideways out of her chair, (treating ME to a nice view of ample cleavage, God bless her) and tossed a neatly folded note over onto Kaiba's desk. He turned to look at her with disbelief written all over his face, and she gave him a brazen wink in return. Dayum. That girl must have balls the size of coconuts. Get it? Balls? Nuts? Oh, never fucking mind...

I couldn't get a good look at what the note said from my position on the other side of the room, but it DID have big, pink hearts drawn all over it. Excellent. Kaiba opened it up, cleared his throat and read aloud at full volume:

"Dear Setto," He didn't get any farther than that, pausing to pinch the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. "My name only has one 't' in it, you half-wit."

There wasn't a single soul left paying attention to the video now. Even though she usually went out of her way to be the center of attention, I don't think this was what Julie had had in mind when she penned that ill-conceived love letter. I leaned forward in anticipation as Kaiba continued to scan over the page, not even bothering to conceal his obvious scorn. Julie, I think I love you.

"U R so grate." A derisive snort. "No comment. Maybe we can go owt on a date sum time. Hnn. Maybe NOT. I wuz wandering if U would B my -- " He paused, working his mouth open and closed in comical surprise. "Is this for real?"

Julie nodded shyly. Kaiba's public humiliation had effectively knocked the wind out of her sails, reducing the would-be seductress to a red-faced, lip-chewing laughingstock. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

"First of all, I don't appreciate that your blatant misspellings and atrocious AOL kiddie speak have made me nauseous just prior to lunch. Second, even the most intellectually challenged of primates should realize that watching a film on genital warts doesn't generally put one in the mood for romance. Thirdly..." Kaiba finally deigned to look over into Julie's glazed eyes, releasing a pent up breath at the vacant expression he found there. "Thirdly, I'm wasting my time explaining this to the likes of you, aren't I?"

Again she nodded, snatching the note from Kaiba's grasp and leaping up from her seat. She bolted from the classroom in tears, disproving my earlier theory by NOT falling over onto her face from all the extra weight up top. All things considered, it was a decently dramatic exit, and I gave her an eight point five based solely on artistic merit.

"Good riddance." Kaiba rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the television. His face left no doubt that the next lovesick pinhead who threw themselves at his feet would PRAY to be let off the hook as painlessly as Julie.

The rest of the hopeful remained cowed until the film was over, but just before the bell for lunch, Derek McGuire hopped up and made a beeline straight for Kaiba. Oh my God. This was just sad. Did the putz actually think that being chess club president gave him some kind of an IN?

Derek held out a party invitation at arms length like a tiny shield, and he was exceedingly careful to avert his face as he approached. Huh. I was forced to rethink my assessment of the poor, doomed bastard based on that move alone. Apparently, he knew better than to try and make eye contact with his intended target. Little did he realize that he was merely prolonging the inevitable.

"Uh, Mr. Kaiba sir? I just w-wanted to ask you, um... I'm having a party tonight and I thought that maybe if you weren't too busy --"

The bell rang, mercifully cutting off whatever else Derek was planning on saying to further embarrass himself. Rotten timing, dude. Better luck next year.

Kaiba rose gracefully to his feet and turned toward the door, and I assumed that was going to be the end of the whole mess. I tried to hide my disappointment, but Derek (such a delightfully dim glutton for punishment he was turning out to be!) seemed unwilling to let the matter drop. I gleefully decided to hang around and watch the fireworks go off. Even MY stomach has to take a back seat when given the choice between eating sloppy joe's and witnessing a massacre. BOTH would have been sheer heaven, but I don't like to be greedy, y'know?

Derek reached out and tugged at the sleeve of Kaiba's school uniform, boldly trying to prevent his potential party guest from walking out the door. Better men than you have died for less, McGuire. You'll never live long enough to becom a lonely, pathetic computer programmer living in your mom's basement if you keep THAT shit up.

"Um, if you'll just give me a second of your time, Mr. Kaiba? I wanted to cordially invite you to --"

"A second of my time is more than you can afford, you dolt, and if you don't remove your hand from my person this instant, I'm going to cordially remove your head from your shoulders."

Derek jerked his hand away as if scalded. Kaiba whirled around, swinging his briefcase in a wide arc that came perilously close to disemboweling our illustrious chess champ right then and there. Hell, he might have even thanked Kaiba for it, if the crestfallen expression on his face was any indication. He looked so completely defeated that it hit me like a ton of bricks when Derek rallied at the eleventh hour, shooting Kaiba a defiant, middle-fingered salute behind his back.

That was IT. I was done for. I fell over in a heap, laughing until tears streamed down my face. I can't believe I'd managed to hold it in for so long in the first place.

Kaiba passed by my desk on his way out the door, and even though I had recently begun to think that he'd finally perfected the art of ignoring me, I guess the sight of Joey Wheeler rolling around in the floor like a certain, unnamed animal was just too good to let go without comment. I can only assume I was making so much noise that he felt it was his duty as chief resident asshole to give me crap for it. Hey, don't take time out of your busy schedule just for little old me, you stuck up bastard.

He smirked down at me, tapping his foot and quirking that know-it-all eyebrow of his. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the eyebrow trick had stopped intimidating me YEARS ago. Seriously. NOBODY has the mad skillz to out-eyebrow Yami, anyway.

"See something funny, Mutt?"

Pffft. Too fucking easy. "Just your face, jerkwad."

He actually chuckled. "Clever. At least for you."

Then he was gone, and I was left trying to decide which one of us had actually gotten in the last word that round. Ah, screw it. Who wants to dwell on this kind of shit with an empty stomach?

Lunch time saw no less than eight potential suitors deflected as Kaiba made his way through the cafeteria line. By the time he had his tray in hand and had located an empty table, his face was beet red and I was starting to worry about his blood pressure. Yeah, you heard me. It's a legitimate concern for someone who leads such a high stress lifestyle. You wanna make something of it?

My food was already gone when Kaiba finally sat down, so just for shits and giggles I decided to time each individual moron who took their lives in hand and made a bombing run at Mr. Tall, Dark and Dysfunctional. I was shocked to see that the last one had actually managed to engage Kaiba in some form of argument or conversation for almost three whole minutes. Tristan reached over and grabbed my wrist, checking my watch against his own calculations. He let out a low whistle.

"Damn. He's slipping."

I nodded. "Yeah. Must be old age."

Something over my shoulder suddenly caught Tristan's eye, and he bolted the rest of his food like he was afraid that I might try to steal it or something. Well, there WAS that one time... OK, fine. MAYBE it happened more than once, but quit trying to change the subject, will you?

Tristan clapped me on the back and jumped up from his seat. "Sorry, buddy, but I need to run. I think I see a spurned lover in need of some consolation."

I turned around and watched him make tracks toward a dejected Kirstin Krumholtz. She still looked a bit dazed, and Tris' probably couldn't have asked for easier pickings. And Kaiba calls ME a dog...

Speaking of which...

I don't think Kaiba had even touched a bite of his food yet. He was usually a quick, focused and disgustingly healthy eater, but it didn't look like he was going to get that chance today. His otherwise unoccupied table was now covered with mounds of pink, red and white frosted cupcakes, stuffed animals, boxes of chocolates and at least a dozen heart-shaped balloons. He must be the biggest fucking masochist in the WORLD to keep showing up at school every year like this. Surely a perfect attendance record wasn't worth a whole day of THIS kind of hell.

A commotion was starting to build in the far corner of the cafeteria, and I looked around just in time to witness the arrival of a giant, yellow chicken. That's right. Joey Wheeler doesn't stutter. Trust me when I say that despite its many quirks, this was NOT a normal, everyday occurrence at Domino City High School. The chicken was carrying an enormous flower arrangement, and several other delivery men trailed behind with assorted boxes and oversized gifts. Fuck me standing. That had to be the HUGEST teddy bear I've ever seen in my LIFE. As the motley crew gradually approached my vantage point, I was able to catch a few murmured repetitions of the phrase, 'singing telegram'.

No. Fucking. Way.

I darted a quick glance at Kaiba and found that he'd also spotted Drumsticks, and he was none too thrilled about it either. He'd gone from flushed to ashen in record time, and his eyes had this freaky, hunted cast to them. As much as it pains me to admit it, even though I would gladly pay good money to see Seto Kaiba subjected to a bit of public ridicule, I was actually rooting for the guy to make a fast getaway.

Moneybags didn't disappoint, and if I had blinked, I probably would have missed the sight of his familiar trench coat disappearing out the side door. Knowing Kaiba, he was headed straight for the library where, if tradition held true from last year, about twenty of his Domino High compatriots were waiting to recite badly-written love poetry. In no time flat, he'd be BEGGING to face that damn chicken.

The remainder of the day was tame by comparison and, unfortunately, I didn't have any afternoon classes with His Excellency to help ease the crushing boredom of my public education. I heard a few snatches of rumors about his further romantic misadventures, but it was pretty hard to glean the truth from what was already being spread around like gospel. Hell, I wouldn't have believed the giant chicken incident if I hadn't seen it with my own peepers, you know what I mean?

I made a quick pit stop at the bathroom before heading home, and much to my chagrin, I found out that at least one of the wackier stories circulating around was actually the real deal.

Duke Devlin stood in front of one sink, stripped to the waist and cursing softly to himself as he ran cold water over his stained uniform shirt. His precious, girly hair was in total disarray, and it looked like huge chunks of it were clumped together in sticky globs. That ridiculous and ever-present headband was nowhere in sight either. Despite the tiny voice in the back of my mind that was screaming at me to just savor the moment, my compassionate half won out in the end. I stepped up to the other sink and offered my sincerest condolences.

"Dude, you look like shit. Kaiba do that to you?"

He turned his streaked and smudged face toward me and mustered a weak glare. "Yeah. I'm sure you've heard the whole sordid story by now. Along with the rest of this loser school..." He went back to angrily scrubbing at his clothing and muttering under his breath. "I can't believe that jerk would waste perfectly good Godiva chocolate like this. Hershey's I can see; hell, even Ghirardelli would have made more sense, but GODIVA?"

"Eh, don't let it get your panties in a bunch. He's just a rich asshole with no concept of what it's like for the little guy. Oh, wait. So are YOU!"

"Real fucking funny, Blondie. You should consider taking that comedy act out on the road. Like, right this very minute. Now scram."

"Hey, I've got business here in the can too, you know!" I turned on the water and proceeded to aimlessly wash my hands. There was no way I was gonna let him know that I was enjoying this spectacle far too much to leave just yet.

"Then make yourself useful and hand me that comb over there."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him fuss with that tangled mop he calls hair for a few drawn out minutes, silently estimating how long it would take before he gave up altogether. If and when he finally got around to throwing in the towel, I would be MORE than willing to jump in and offer to shave him bald. I'm all kinds of helpful like that.

"God damn it!" Duke threw the useless comb at the mirror and looked over at me. "Fucking Kaiba! Do you realize how utterly impossible it is to get caramel out of your hair?"

I opened my mouth to reply in the affirmative, but abruptly decided that there was no need for a notorious gossip like Duke Devlin to hear about my spring break last year. Instead, I opted for the easier, yet no less infuriating response of, "What in the holy name of fuck possessed you to go through with it in the first place? You know how he gets on --"

"Yes, I know THAT, but I could have SWORN that he was giving me a 'come hither' look at the last Chamber of Commerce meeting. I'm an expert at reading these kinds of things, Joey! How could I have been so wrong?"

Well, I was no whiz at stuff like that, but I decided that I could still mess with Dice-Boy over it anyway. I shrugged. "No idea. Maybe you could show me the kind of look he gave you...?" I asked hopefully.

"It went a little something like this:" Duke rolled his shoulders sensuously and pouted a pair of full lips at me. Instantly, I started having 'Zoolander' flashbacks, and I swear to God that if he had actually batted his eyelashes, I couldn't have kept a straight face to save my life.

"Hmmm... I see where the confusion might've come from. Kaiba's 'come hither' look is remarkably similar to his 'fuck off and die' look. You probably just need to update your asshole translation software."

As expected, Duke took swipe at me, nails and all, but I easily side-stepped him. "Hey, lighten up! You stuck your neck out there and you got creamed for it. So what? At least you had the stones to go for it, man."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I suppose I can just put this whole mess behind me as long as the stains come out. Kaiba's probably a lousy lay anyhow." He sullenly tackled his chocolate streaked t-shirt once more, but I'd like to think that this time he did it with a fresher, sunnier outlook on life. I'm a fucking nice guy, sometimes.

"That's the spirit," I encouraged. As long as he was dogging on Kaiba, if you'll excuse the turn of phrase, then at least he wasn't feeling sorry for himself. I really couldn't stomach a whiny Duke Devlin under any circumstances. A lot of people will tell you that Duke is the type of guy who will sleep with anything that has two legs and a crotch -- legs optional. Now, I'm pretty tight with the guy, and I can honestly tell you that it's all just hearsay. Once you get to know him, he's mostly alright. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that along with Tristan and Yugi, he's one of my very closest --

"Hey, Joey -- when's your sister coming back into town?"

"Don't go there."

"What? I'm just asking an innocent question here. There's no need to get all defensive about --"

"You keep your filthy hands off my baby sister or I'll pound that prissy ass of yours into the pavement, you big pervert! And not in the GOOD way, either!"

I stormed out of the bathroom and headed for my locker. What a fucking dick.

It was rapidly approaching ten o' clock at night and I could not BELIEVE that I was standing here again. I promised myself that it wouldn't happen anymore, but I guess something about today's date managed to work its way under my skin after all. By now you should know that I'm not the type to get all sappy and romantic over a few paper hearts and the sight of a couple of horny teenagers necking in the corner, so there HAD to be some other explanation for this. Rationalizations aside, I found myself frozen in place with my finger poised over the doorbell and about a million confused thoughts running through my head. I should probably just walk away and count my blessings.

The door swung open before I could make up my mind, and I forgot all about the lonely object burning a hole in my pocket. I looked up to see HIM standing there silhouetted in the doorway, gazing down at me from on high, just like always. He was utterly shirtless, and oh GOD he had his glasses on again. I think he must realize what it does to me to see him in those. It was pathetic how that one involuntary gesture of vulnerability could send my stomach plummeting down to my shoes like a rock.

"It's about damn time you showed up. If I hadn't had to draft that last minute Metro Corp proposal, I would have been in bed already."

Bastard. Even his shitty attitude couldn't spoil the illusion I had built up around him, or calm the butterflies that had already taken up residence in my gut. "Y'know, you could have sent a limo for me if you weren't such a selfish prick."

Kaiba threw his head back and laughed that creepy, borderline insane laugh of his. He fucking KNEW how that got my motor running, so now I was more certain than ever that he was just toying with me. Like I even cared at this point.

"I enjoy knowing that you have to work for it, Mutt. If it didn't take some effort for you to get here, then I'd start suspecting you didn't care about me anymore."

He grabbed my jacket collar and roughly hauled me across the threshold, kicking the huge door shut behind him. It does my ego a bit of good to imagine that I don't always turn to putty in his hands, but we both knew it was a lie. A pretty flimsy one at that. I started to speak, but I caught him gazing speculatively down at the t-shirt I had changed into when I stopped off at home.

"I didn't know you liked the Ramones," he murmured aloud, and I got the impression that he was saying it more to himself than me.

"You never bothered to ask."

I think this response only pissed him off, because suddenly he was crushing me against his chest, one hand up and under the hem of said shirt and the other one with a fistful of my hair. "And I never will."

Fair enough. His tongue was hot and insistent against my lips, and just for old time's sake, I decided to put up a bit of a fight. I shoved him back with the force of both arms and reached down to grab his wrist. Those fingers had been mere inches away from the button of my pants, and I could tell that he wasn't happy about my token show of resistance. It was more than worth it just to see that stubborn spark light up in the depths of his eyes. I knew I'd pay for it later, but a guy's gotta have some dignity, right?

"Don't play games with me tonight, Joey. I'm not in the mood."

I glanced pointedly at his crotch and remarked, "SOMEONE seems to be in the mood, and I'm willing to bet that HE'S the one driving the car right now." I started up the winding staircase, glancing over my shoulder at him as he removed his glasses and set them aside. "I can show myself up, unless you were planning on us getting freaky right here in the foyer where Mokuba might see?"

"What exactly are you trying to prove?"

"I'm not trying to PROVE anything, Kaiba. I just want to get this show on the road. It IS a school night, after all." I tried not take it personally when he didn't argue with me over it. This is why I'd been wanting to call it quits for a while now, but some part of me realized that if Kaiba and I weren't constantly pushing and pulling at each other like this, we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. And God knows that would lead to questions that neither of us was willing to answer just yet.

Five steps through his bedroom door and he was tearing at my clothes like he might find buried treasure somewhere underneath. I'd long ago learned not to wear anything I wanted to keep intact when I made my nightly excursions to the right side of the tracks, and the sheer lunacy of this thought caused me to laugh out loud.

"Have you finally gone and lost it, Wheeler? You're acting more psychotic than usual tonight."

"Hnn. You of all people should know what psychotic looks like. Just shut up and fuck me, will you?" That's all I want from you. All I've ever wanted. I could repeat this mantra over and over in my head ad infinitum if I really felt I needed to. If this 'thing' between us ever got to that point, then I'd truly know that I was lost. For just right now, I could make myself enjoy what I had.

That's probably how Kaiba himself got through every day of his miserable life, so why shouldn't it be good enough for someone like me? My wounded pride should be plenty salved just by knowing that this unbelievably desirable being of flesh and blood, this gorgeous, physical specimen of human perfection who could LITERALLY have anyone and anything he wanted, made no bones about the fact that right now, he desired ME above all else.

I could live with that. Piece of cake.

Ten minutes later, when Kaiba's fingers were deep in my ass, my cock was down his throat, and his free hand was fumbling to smear the last of the lubricant on his waiting erection, the unfairness of the whole situation tried to creep up and blindside me all over again. Damn it. Go away and let me have this!

Just this.

Thirty seconds after that, I was howling from having that oversized tool shoved inside me with next to no preparation, but FUCK if that wasn't just how I liked it. Kaiba never complained about giving it hot, fast and brutal. As much as it galled me to admit it sometimes, he and I were quite the matching pair.

True to form, I wasn't pampered with any unnecessary recovery time, and I gripped the headboard for dear life, reduced to white knuckles and high-pitched, wheezing breath. Sex was never sexy between the two of us, but the visuals ceased to matter once that smooth palm was stroking me in time to his thrusts and that spiteful mouth of his was scorching a trail over the back of my neck. It used to bother me that he adamantly refused to let me see his face when we did this, but by now I had been forced to fit the same mold. I had no desire for someone as cold and heartless as Seto Kaiba to be privy to my moment of greatest weakness, so why would he ever give me the same consideration? Maybe I had wanted it once upon a time, but now...

A particularly hard lunge shook my fingers loose from their bearings and I fell forward onto the pillow, cursing him deliriously with gasping, broken words. I had no idea what I was saying, but he apparently liked what he heard, and proceeded to treat my flagging cock to some extra stimulation. It wasn't exactly easy to keep up a boner when you were being bludgeoned in the ass with a telephone pole, and Kaiba had a mean habit of avoiding my prostate if he wasn't feeling particularly charitable that night. Any extra effort he made was almost always genuinely appreciated on my part, and I moaned aloud in obvious encouragement.

My thoughts scattered as Kaiba's touches became erratic and his thrusts against my backside began to build in intensity. I was THIS close as he interrupted his steadfast silence with the only compliment he ever had, and probably ever would, throw my way.

"God, Joey, you feel so good..."

The words were shamefully erotic to feel spoken against the sweat-soaked skin of my back, and with a shuddering whimper I reached the peak that I had been striving so diligently for. As always, it struck me as rather surreal to reach a goal that I hadn't even realized had been set before me, and I hoped that I never came to take such pleasure for granted. That feeling of utter completion should forever defy description if -I- had any say in the matter, and just for a moment, I hated that I had to share this with HIM, of all people.

My weirdness passed and I was dropped back into reality by rough hands lifting my hips as Kaiba drove in deeper and harder. I could feel him watching me as he moved against me, pounding desperately to reach that brilliant, star-streaked plateau that I had so recently traversed on my own. Sweat dripped down onto my skin from above, and it wasn't long before I heard a choked off scream that I knew as well as my own soft sigh of release. The fingers digging into my skin tightened and clenched, and then I was forced to the mattress by a warm, firm weight that gasped for air and trembled with aftershocks.

My own come was cold against the flesh of my stomach, and definitely unpleasant to lie in, but I've never really minded this part of the whole deal. Kaiba and I had some of our longest and most meaningful conversations post coitus, which wasn't saying all that much when it came to the two of us. Still, I remained relatively certain that the occasional non-confrontational phrases we exchanged might indicate that SOME type of progress was being made.

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, Wheeler.

You know, at one interval during our long and twisted history, I was actually jealous of the arrogant son-of-a-bitch. Handsome, rich, smart, talented AND well-endowed just seemed like too much favoritism on the part of the powers that be. That phase had been a brief one, thank God. I mean, what's the point of envying someone who would never be able to see the world through your eyes? There wasn't one, really, and that's why I had stopped being so resentful about it. Or had I?

I dared to speak out loud only after Kaiba's cock began to soften and slip out of my body, and the words I uttered were not at ALL what I had meant to say.

"Hey, Kaiba. I've got a question for you."

Shit. I did?

A muffled grunt was the only sign that he'd even heard me.

"Are you awake back there?"

"Yes, I'm awake. Just go ahead and ask your damn question." He shifted his position a bit and added, "On second thought, wait just a minute. I want to try and guess what it's going to be. Let's see... two plus two equals four, and yes, the earth really IS round. Now either shut up and go to sleep, or get the hell out."

Why do I even bother talking to this jackass? "I wanna know why you always shoot everyone down on Valentine's Day. Surely there's someone out there who frosts your cookies just a tiny bit?"

As expected, I received a brief snort against the curve of my shoulder. "Everything that interests me at the moment is right here in bed with me."

My throat seized up painfully at his words. While my brain was still frantically shuffling and subsequently discarding any and all potential replies, I felt a sharp pinch to my right butt cheek. Asshole.

"No, seriously. You need to fess up on this, Moneybags. I'm dying of curiosity."

He sat up, pulling the sheet around his waist and leaving me bare-assed and cold. Typical.

"It's a fairly simple concept, so I should only need to explain it once, even to you. If you'd been paying attention in health class today instead of ogling me, there's a slim chance that you might have been able to figure it out on your own." He stood up then, (all for dramatic effect I bet) and turned around to meet my eyes as he paused just outside the bathroom door. "Love is a social disease, Mutt. One I don't EVER intend to catch." Kaiba and the sheet both disappeared through the doorway and the sound of running water drifted to my ears. Fucking A. Another fun night of lying around pole-axed by the sheer INSANITY that was Seto's Kaiba's fucked-up logic. I'm starting to think that I'm just not cut out for this.

In truth, I'd probably brought it on myself. I'd messed with the natural order of things by asking a bothersome question, but Kaiba's curt answer and hasty departure led me to believe that I had inadvertently struck a nerve. Well, good for me. On the flip side of the coin, it seemed that my curiosity had quite literally screwed me out of a warm bed to sleep in tonight. Kaiba's overnight invitations were few and far between, and if I was half as smart as I claimed to be, I would have just gone to sleep and kept my nose in my own business. It was already well past my curfew and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I'd risk rousing my old man to let me in the apartment. Fuck, I hope it doesn't drop below freezing again tonight.

If Duel Monsters had taught me any valuable life lessons, (other than not to fuck with freaks who keep cards like 'Dark Necrophile" in their decks) the simplest one was, 'you win some; you lose some'. I'll call tonight a draw in order to soothe my wounded pride, and that's just something else we'll have to keep between the two of us, OK?

I dressed slowly, trying not to let my mind drift to pointless thoughts about joining Kaiba in that steaming hot, sinfully luxurious shower. If I tried, such actions would probably just earn me a swift kick to my already sore posterior, and it was delusional of me to believe otherwise. I rarely ever got a shot at the shower or the hot tub unless we were already fucking in one or the other, and if I let it slip how much I enjoyed those instances, I bet I'd never get the privilege again. I heaved a weary sigh and tugged my gray cargo pants up over my hips. It was beyond stupid to dwell on these kinds of things. People like Kaiba never changed unless they WANTED to, and holding my breath wasn't going make one bit of difference.