My apologies. This was written with a friend right before exams in grade 8 as a way to get rid of some stress. I hope you weren't using those brain cells.
There was an uncleanly vampire named Edward. (No "once apon a time" - too cliche) He looked like a teen, but was really a lot older. He sparkled. A lot. Which is sadly the result of using to much glitter glue for platforms in the 60s. But we won't get into that too much.
Edward liked girls. Too bad they didn't like him back. He was very jealous of his dashing cousin Angel. He got every girl. Except one. Her name was Bella, and she made you want to throw up.
Bella was tall, pale and had brown hair. She wasn't really into Angel, because he was to normal for a vampire. She, for whatever unexplainable reason, preferred Edward. This made Angel angry.
Angel and his posse - only Jacob, he was a werewolf - made a plan to destroy Edward. Sephiroth, the school jock joined in. Anything to be popular.
All the girls went gaga over Angel and his crew. Edward, on the other hand, was a loser (on account of he looked at women like they were hors'deurves).
Bella and Edward started to date. They fell in love. They were inseparable. In Edward's car, they were making out. Angel, Jacob and Sephiroth crept up behind the car, and started to shake it, yelling "EARTHQUAKE!" Jacob got so panicked, he thought he was going to wet himself. He went to pee.
For dramatic effect, Angel threw the car with great force, and it hit a tree, shattering the windows. Unfortunately, poor Jacob got crushed by the vehicle.
Edward saw Bella with shards of glass in her eyeball. As he looked ahead, he saw Jacob's dead body. With his pants off.
Doing his best to ignore Jacob's body, Edward the Ugly pulled Bella out of his wrecked car. Bella was bleeding from all the broken glass.
"I'm dying." She weakly croaked. "Bite me, I'm too suicidal to die!"
"If that's you want." Then Edward bit her. Edward went insane five seconds later, and Bella died of blood loss.
Angel ran forward to dead Bella and accidentally hit the person closest to him in the head. That happened to be Sephiroth. Sephiroth, slightly green because of the gross sight in front of him, also went insane.
The One Winged Angel theme started playing. Sephiroth grabbed Masamune, his katana, and flew towards Edward. Sephiroth chopped off his head. Angel, not mourning his ugly cousin at all, was laughing at Jacob's dead body, when he was crushed by a stampede of teen girls.
"Sephiroth!" They yelled, "You're our hero for killing the evil Edward the Ugly!"
Sephiroth, still insane, killed all of the girls, then killed everyone else in Forks. He then set everything on fire.
Unfortunately for Sephiroth, one person remained alive. Mario, the short, red clothed guy, jumped on Sephiroth's head. Sephiroth died instantly with a little popping noise. Mario ricocheted off a tree, fell into a shallow puddle, and drowned.