Disclaimer: I do not own "Slayers" or any of the characters, and I don't wish to make any profit from this story either.
Author's note: This is a one-shot I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I haven't found the time to write it until now.
This story is loosely based on the myth called "Thor's Stolen Hammer" from Norse mythology. Here's a quick summary of the story:
Thor's hammer is stolen by the giant Thrym. In exchange for the sword, Thrym wanted to marry the Goddess Freya. Freya refused (and I for one don't blame her!) And thus Thor, along with the God Loki, came up with another plan. Thor would wear a wedding dress and pretend to be Freya and Loki would pretend to be Freya's bridesmaid. They go to the giants' camp and when Thrym returns the hammer, Thor takes the hammer and.......well let's just say he makes a very big mess.
This is just a VERY quick summary, but I think you get the point. When I read the myth, I thought "This almost sounds like how a filler Slayers episode would go." and then the plot bunnies attacked and I wrote this story. If you want to read the REAL myth, it can be easily searched for on the internet.
Now, on with the story!
"Stolen Swords and Brides To Be"
"GOURRY YOU JELLY-FISH BRAIN!!"
The shrill cry rattled thoughout the inn. Zelgadis's own tea cup shook and tap-danced to the edge of the table from powerful vibrations
The chimera sighed. "Sounds like Gourry did something to make Lina angry again." he mused. "You'd think he'd learn by now."
"But it's odd." Amelia muttered. "We should go check on them."
"Why?"
"Because it's not like Ms. Lina to argue with Mr. Gourry before eating breakfast."
Zelgadis sweat-dropped, although the princess had a point. Lina usually set aside any disagreements when they would interfere with her meal. If something was holding Lina back, it wasn't normal.
"Very well." Zel replied, taking one last sip of his tea. He would need the caffeine. It was just a gut feeling.
The pair quickly went up the stairs. They had tracked the shouts of death threats and name calling to Gourry's room.
Lina was standing in the middle, with a strangling Gourry held in her death grip.
"YOU STUPID JELLY-FISH BRAIN!!" Lina ranted. "I SWEAR SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU WERE DROPPED SEVERAL TIMES AS A BABY!"
"Ms. Lina, what's going on?" Amelia asked, sweat-dropping slightly.
A snarl escaped as Lina let go of the swordsman, but was tempted to fling him across the room. "Oh! You want to know?! Let me tell you! Gourry gave away the sword of light!"
Amelia and Zelgadis both took a step back.
"WHAT?! GOURRY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!" Zelgadis cried, just as loud and ear drumming as Lina. "HOW COULD YOU GIVE AWAY THE......"
"I didn't give it away!" Gourry managed to climb to his feet, but made certain he was not in punching range of Lina. "I would never give it away! I'm not that stupid!"
Amelia frowned, confused. "So you still have it?"
"Well....not at the exact moment. I'm having it cleaned!"
Lina, Amelia and Zelgadis all had sweat-dropped the size of pumpkins.
"How......can you clean a sword of light?" Zelgadis asked, afraid of the answer. "Wait! Forget that, how can it even get dirty?!"
"I don't know, but these guys came to me and offered to clean my sword for free!"
"Gourry!!"
The swordsman ducked behind a chair. "Lina what did I do?!"
The sorceress took a deep breath. There was no point getting blood on the carpet....yet! "Gourry, in life, I have learnt two rules to live by. One: never eat food with the word 'surprise' in its name and two: NOTHING IS EVER FREE!! Those guys just said that to steal the sword of light!"
"But they didn't seem like bad guys to me. You're over reacting."
There was a knock on the door. "Excuse me? I'm here to deliver a letter."
Seeing that Gourry and Lina were too busy to answer, Amelia opened the door. She thanked the messenger boy and took the letter.
"What's it say Amelia?" Zelgadis asked.
The princess read the note....and turned pale. "Um....Mr. Gourry....it's for you."
The swordsman stared with a blank look. Lina tweaked a suspicious eyebrow.
Zelgadis took the letter from Amelia and read it aloud.
"I, Thrym, the leader of the Giant Bandit gang, have stolen your sword of light."
There was an eerie silence. Then......
"THEY STOLE MY SWORD!!"
"YOU JELLY-FISH BRAIN! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!!"
Gourry crumbled. "My ancestors will never forgive me!"
"Don't worry Mr. Gourry! We have justice on our side! We'll get it back!" Amelia cried, throwing a fist in the air. "What do they want Mr. Zelgadis? Money? Jewelry?"
The chimera read further. When he read the last couple of lines, Zel had to re-read it to be sure he wasn't hallucinating.
In a stunned state he said "He........wants a bride."
The other three froze and stared as if Zelgadis had suggested going waltzing with a grizzly bear.
"Come....again?" Amelia stammered.
"He wants a bride."
"You mean a wife?!" Gourry asked. "Who? It isn't Lina is it? Because that's a death wish!"
Lina's veins were popping in her forehead. "Why would it be a death wish?!"
Zel sighed. "He just said a bride! So, I guess any woman would do."
"But we can't give him that!" Amelia declared It would be unjust to give a woman as part of a ransom!"
"But I HAVE to get my sword back!" Gourry yelled, almost panicking.
Lina patted his shoulder. "We'll get your sword back, but to do that we will need a bride and we can't ask any of the local women to do it. I doubt any sane woman dreams of being a bandit's wife."
Gourry uneasily stared at Lina. He didn't like the idea of Lina going as the bride. "Are you going to do it?"
"ME?! Hell no!"
That was a relief.
"You're going to be the bride!"
Gourry's relief was torn apart faster than piranhas eating a cow. "WHAT?!! NO! NO! NO!"
"It's simple! We'll just dress you up as a girl and......"
"I SAID NO!!" Gourry screamed. "I REFUSE TO DRESS AS A GIRL AGAIN!! WHY CAN'T AMELIA DO IT?!!"
Amelia threw a fist in the air. "Because it wouldn't be fair to a have a young girl surrounded by a group of bandits! Right Ms. Lina!"
"Right Amelia!"
Zelgadis sighed tired, although he was relieved that Amelia wasn't going.
"Don't be such a whiner!" Lina shot back. "Besides, Zelgadis will be dressing up as a girl and going with you!"
The chimera was no longer relieved. "Hold it right there! Why do I have to go too?!"
The annoyed sorceress sighed. "BECAUSE..... while Gourry is keeping the bandits busy, you can search for the sword of light!" Lina clapped her hands merrily together, like she was about to take on a 10 course meal. "It's perfect! You can go as Gourry's servant girl!"
"I'm not going as a servant girl! Amelia help me out here!"
The princess couldn't reply for she was caught by a sudden inspiration. "I saw a dress yesterday that would look wonderful on you Mr. Zelgadis!"
Zelgadis and Gourry helplessly sweat-dropped in defeat.
Gourry and Zelgadis have always had opposite personalities. They were good friends, but they didn't have many common interests. However, there was one issue that neither would argue or disagree about, no matter how old or how much they change. Dressing and pretending to be girls was a degrading and horrible experience!
Gourry tugged at his collar. He hated this dress Lina picked! It was so tight! The heat was killing him!
It had all happened so fast. One minute he and Zelgadis were kicking and screaming about Lina's plan, and then before he knew it, he and Zelgadis were waiting in the forest in a dress for the bandit to show and claim his bride!
The swordsman shivered. It was going to be the Volun incident all over again..... ONLY TEN TIMES WORSE!!
He didn't know which he despised more, Lina for this plan or Thrym for stealing his sword.
Gourry glanced at Zelgadis, who was also in a dress and sitting soulfully on a stump.
"Hey Zel?"
"Yes."
"Why is it whenever we go on an adventure, at some point one or both of us has to go in drag?" Gourry asked, like a child questioning why the sky was blue or why the grass was green.
Zelgadis sighed, feeling the shared pain. "Well...it's either a weird coincidence or......some divine being does this for a running gag because of a warped sense of humor."
".........The second theory makes more sense to me..."
"Considering the lives we have, I would have to agree."
It was then Zel caught the sound of voices. He gestured to Gourry, who nodded in return.
They shared gloomed and doomed expressions. They were so going to hate this.
The bandits that appeared were your average, typical unlawful men. Dirty, hairy and smelly. One particularly large man with a curly orange beard, looked and smelled like he hadn't washed for weeks.
He fingered his greasy bread and smiled a toothy grin. "So, you ladies are here to get that sword back?"
"We aren't here for sight seeing." Zelgadis snapped.
The bandit stumbled backwards as he suddenly noticed Zelgadis. "My God! You are the ugliest woman I've ever seen!"
Zel's fingers were begging to take a punch, but he swallowed his temper. "Are you Thrym?"
"Yes I am, now if you'll just bring out the money we can do business."
Gourry froze. "Money? The letter never mentioned money!"
"Of course it did! That's what we asked for!"
"No! It said you wanted a bride!"
"What? Why the hell would I ask for that?!"
"But that's what it said!" Zelgadis brought the letter out from his pocket. "See for yourself!"
Thrym snatched the paper and read it over. "What the......It's suppose to say BRIBE! Not BRIDE!" He glared at the other bandits. "Which one of you morons wrote the letter?!"
"It was Sam, boss!" came a voice.
"Figures! That guy can't spell to save his life!"
"Are you saying....." Gourry said slowly, trying to restrain his urge to strangle. "That this whole thing was ..... A MISTAKE?!!"
"Afraid so!"
"In that case, why don't you give us back the sword and we'll forget the whole thing!"
Zelgadis sweat-dropped. "Gourry that sounds like something Lina would say." he whispered.
"I know.....Scary isn't it?"
"Hold your horses!" Thrym yelled back. "We just can't give it back for free! It's just not done!" Thrym stroked his beard as he eyed Gourry, which made the swordsman sweat.
"What's your name?"
"Uh....Lala!" Gourry stammered. He wished he didn't have to use that name, so many.....disturbing memories were attached to it. "And.....this is Lulu!"
Zelgadis sweat-dropped. They seriously needed to get one of those baby name books. There had to be OTHER names they could use!.......Then again, thinking that seriously on that subject was probably not a good sign.
Thrym stepped a little too close for Gourry. He attempted to appear friendly, even if the man stunk to high heaven.
Thrym grinned, which tripled Gourry's fears. "I was originally hoping for cash....but you are rather cute. So I think I will take you and your friend."
"I think he likes you." Zel whispered.
Gourry was on the brink of tears. "Oh....lucky me!"
Nearby, Lina and Amelia spied from under the bushes. "I can't believe it was a mistake!" said Amelia.
"I can!" Lina replied. "Most bandits can't spell! It's just a fact of life!"
"Do you think they'll give the sword of light back?"
Lina scoffed. "No way! They'll probably have it stored at their camp. We'll have to steal it back."
Amelia bit her lower lip as she watched the bandits walked off with Zelgadis and Gourry in tow. "Are you sure this was a good idea Ms. Lina?"
"Relax! Zel and Gourry are big boys! They can take care or themselves. Come on! We have to follow them!"
Later that night, at the bandits' camp, Thrym thought they should throw a party. Gourry was weary of the idea. The bandits had a LARGE collection of booze and he was familiar with how weird and crazy men could get when they had too much to drink.
Zelgadis, on the other hand, encouraged the idea and explained to Gourry that if the bandits were busying drinking, he would have a chance to search for the sword of light.
Gourry still wasn't comfortable with it, but he went along with it anyway. He didn't drink the alcohol. Food, however, was another matter. The swordsman devoured everything that was within his sight.
Thrym took another swig of his ale. "Boy! For a girl, you sure have a big appetite!"
"You've obliviously never meet Lina." Zelgadis muttered.
Thrym stared at him in his semi-blurred vision. "Lina? As in Lina Inverse? That scrawny girl people talk about?"
A bush suddenly rustled. Zel had a gnawing feeling about who was doing the rustling, but continued. "I ....take it you're not scared of her?"
Thrym laughed. "Hardly! Why should I let some flat chested girl scare me? I bet all those stories about her are nothing more than a bard's lame attempt at a horror story!"
The bush rustled again.....in a much more violent style, but did nothing more.
The chimera was impressed. Lina was restraining herself quite well, considering how short her temper was.
Unbeknownst to him, the reason Lina was handling it so well was because Amelia had grabbed her at the last second and was holding her back. Tying down a rabid dog would have been easier.
Zelgadis sighed, almost relaxed......until his senses went to full alert as a hand touched his shoulder. Fearful of where this was heading, Zel loathly turned.
The bandit smiling at him reeked of booze. He merrily took another sip from his half empty bottle. "Did you know that blue is my favorite colour?"
Zelgadis jumped, knocking the man face first into the dirt.
"What's wrong with you?" Thrym asked annoyed.
"Um....I have to use the...uh....powder my nose!" Zelgadis inched toward the trees. "Be back in a sec!" Then he ran, leaving a cloud dust behind.
Thrym rolled his eyes. "Women! Always fixing their faces!"
Safely hidden among the trees, the chimera panted. His heart was beating like he had just escaped the clutches of a man eating beast. God he hated this!
"Hey Zel!" Lina and Amelia poked their heads from behind the trees. "Got a new boyfriend do you?"
"Lina!" Zelgadis hissed. "I've had enough of this!"
"But we can't leave until we get Mr. Gourry's sword back!" Amelia stated.
"Then I'll look for it right now! I can't take it anymore!"
"Calm down Zel!" Lina snapped. "Amelia and I will help search the bandit's loot, then once we find the sword, we grab Gourry and get out of here."
"We better wait until the bandits are asleep, before we try to get to Mr. Gourry." Amelia replied.
Zelgadis nodded. "Considering how much they drank, that shouldn't take too long."
Lina sighed. "Let's just hope that Jelly-fish brain doesn't blow it in the meantime."
Gourry felt like he had been abandoned to be eaten by a wild beast, which was slightly the case. "Come on Zel! Hurry back!" he thought. It wasn't reassuring being the only girl in plain view and he really detested the way Thrym was staring at him like he was a piece of meat.
If Zelgadis didn't return soon to help him out or at least distract the guy, Gourry was going to have to get the biggest stick he could find.
Gourry gulped as Thrym smiled at him. "Uh....How about giving that sword back now?"
"We got plenty of time for that!" Thrym chuckled. "How about we have a little fun first?"
Gourry moved his seat away. "How about we not?"
Thrym moved closer. "It's been awhile since I had a girl...for fun....You'll really like it."
More determined, Gourry moved farther away. "I don't think so."
Thrym grinned. "I love a challenge!"
Swift like a hawk, Thrym swooped upon Gourry. The swordsman simply frowned and dodged.
Thrym lost his balance. To save himself, Thrym latched onto Gourry, but he grabbed the top part of Gourry's dress. In a huge rip, Thrym fell, along with half of the dress.
All the bandits froze. Thrym stupidly stared at Gourry's bare chest.
"Man! She's really flat-chested!" Someone cried out.
Someone else hit him. "Are you blind?! That's a guy!"
In a fit of rage, Thrym scrambled to his feet. "How dare you toy with my heart!!"
Gourry sweat-dropped. "Uh....sorry?"
Meanwhile, Lina, Amelia and Zelgadis were searching through the bandits' loot. Well...Amelia and Zel were searching, Lina was pocketing every single gold coin and jewel she could grab. She also had made two sacks full of money to carry.
"Oh! Here's a ruby! A diamond?! Lucky!"
"Lina stop stealing and look for Gourry's sword!" Zelgadis growled.
"Hey! We might as well get something good from this mess. Mainly something that's profitable!"
Amelia shook her head, then her eyes caught sight of an object in the pile that appeared to be a weapon. She unburied it, but it wasn't the sword of light. Oddly enough, it was a giant hammer. She tried to pick it up, but found it far too heavy.
Lina saw this and raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing Amelia?"
"I found a hammer, but I can't move it."
The chimera went over to her. "Let me try." He grabbed hold of the handle, but he barely could lift if for 3 seconds before dropping it. "God! Who could carry that?! It weighs a ton!"
Amelia spotted an engraving on the hammer. "The Mighty Hammer Mjollnir: Property of Thor."
The three friends stared at one another and all said at once "Never heard of him."
Suddenly, a loud angry cry filled the air.
"That can't be good." Amelia muttered.
Lina's sixth sense for danger triggered. "My jelly-fish brain senses are tingling....Gourry must have blown it."
"GUYS!!" A half-dressed Gourry scurried to them.
"What happened?" Zelgadis asked, pointing to the torn dress.
"I.....had disturbing ...problems...but the bandits are...."
"There he is!!" cried Thrym as he and the rest of his gang appeared.
Gourry sweat-dropped. "Um....never mind.."
"Look Boss! There's more of them!" yelled one bandit.
Thrym growled. "So...you all think this is some funny joke?! No one tricks Thrym the Giant and lives to tell about it! I loath dishonesty!!"
"YOU LOATH DISHONESTY?!!" Lina screamed. "You guys are the ones that lied to Gourry, stole HIS sword and YOU loath dishonesty?! You're a bandit for crying out loud!"
Thrym puffed up, slightly offended. "That may be true......but I only loath dishonesty when other people do it."
Gourry scratched his chin. "Isn't that called being a hippo?"
"That's a hypocrite Gourry." Zelgadis corrected.
Amelia jumped forward, throwing her fist in the air. "In the name of justice, we demand you return Mr. Gourry's sword!"
Thrym bellowed a laugh. "Sure thing lady, but you'll have to find it first!" He grinned smugly, like a crow who stashed away a glittery earring. "It'll take you a thousand years though! No one will uncover my ultimate secret hiding place!"
Lina looked to Amelia, Zel and Gourry. Each member gave a nod as they all silently came to the same conclusion. "It's under you bed."
Thrym's pride shattered like glass that was broken by a rock thrown at it. "HOW??!!! HOW COULD YOU KNOW?!!"
Gourry sighed. "Whatever, just give me back my sword and we'll leave."
Thrym drew his sword. "You have to fight us first!"
Lina stomped in frustration. Why do men have to always settle things with a sword fight? It was so last century!
"But before that" Thrym continued. "Tell your two friends there to take off those ridiculous disguises."
Lina frowned. Two? "But Gourry's disguise is pretty much torn off already."
"Not him! You and that blue guy!"
Lina's blood boiled. ".....What?!"
"I'll admit the blue guy had me fooled for awhile, but any idiot can tell you're not a girl"
Lina's heart rate increased dramatically.
"The blonde there made a cute girl, but you need some serious work."
A life threatening aura hung in the atmosphere. Gulping and in fear for their health, Amelia, Gourry and Zelgadis backed away.
"If you're going to pretend to be a girl, at least get some decent padding. There's no way a girl would be that flat chested...."
"FIREBALL!!"
That was the last thing Thrym heard as the area was engulfed in flames.
"My sword! My Sword!" Gourry hugged his sword of light like it was a precious teddy bear. Tears streamed down like waterfalls. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again!"
Lina growled, kicking the dirt in the road. "You better not! I never want to go through that again!"
"What are you complaining about?!" Zelgadis barked. "You weren't hit on by a drunk bandit!"
Lina glared.
Amelia whispered in the chimera's ear. "I think Ms. Lina is still upset about what Thrym said."
"You're probably right."
"Shut up!" Lina yelled.
"My! My! Aren't we full of energy this morning!"
Lina jumped and whirled around. "Xellos?! What are you doing here?!"
Xellos smiled. "Oh! I just came to see how you were doing."
"Right Xellos and I'm certain Shabranigdo is having tea with Ceiphied." Zelgadis remarked coldly.
Xellos shrugged and swooped over to the swordsman. "I see you got your sword back from Thrym."
The feeling of suspicion tripled by 100. "How....do you know about that?" Amelia inquired.
"Because I bet Xellos sat back and watched." Lina snarled.
Xellos leaned against a tree soaking in the sunlight. "I did watch and it was so amusing to see Gourry and Zelgadis in such lovely outfits."
Gourry and Zelgadis glared together.
"And besides, it would be rude of me not to watch since I was the one who gave Thrym the idea of stealing the sword of light...."
"YOU WHAT?!!" the group cried together.
Lina's body trembled in anger. "WHY.....DID.....YOU.....DO .....THAT?!!"
"I thought it would be fun. I've been so bored lately."
The sorceress repressed her rage, then calmly turned to her friends, who were equally angry. "All in favor of hog-tying Xellos like a fat pig, raise your hands!"
All hands shot up.
Xellos nervously sweated.
Lina locked eye contact with him, raised her arm like a general and yelled "TACKLE!!"
Before Xellos could teleport, the priest was pounced upon, tied down and used as a cushion by Gourry and Zelgadis.
"Don't even try to teleport Xellos!" Zelgadis sneered. "These ropes are anti-magic ones Lina bought in the last town and are designed to hold a golden dragon. So you can forget about escaping!"
Xellos squirmed. "It was just a joke."
Gourry smacked his skull with his fist. Gourry normally didn't hold grudges, but he had to wear a dress and NOBODY messed with his sword! "What should we do with him Lina?"
The sorceress pondered. "I'm not sure....Something nasty....Something inhumane...."
"But...wouldn't he just end up liking something like that? This is Xellos we're talking about."
"Good point!"
"I know!" Amelia grinned evilly, which looked even more scary on her. "There's a 'Happy Karaoke' contest in the next town!"
"Perfect!" Lina smiled wickedly at Xellos, who was scared as a mouse caught in a cat's paws. "Get your vocal cords warmed up! We're going for an all nighter!"
It was just a rumour, but in a nearby town the locals swore they heard an everlasting desperate cry of a man screaming "NNNOOO!!!"
Author's Note: Rather silly, but I had fun. In case some of you didn't catch the inside jokes, I put some references to the original myth.
Thrym was the name of the giant.
Mjollnir was the name of Thor's hammer. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it!