A/N: Wow- It's been forever since I posted. Hopefully this will get me moving again (as I try to pick up all the hanging threads of Lina Gets a Curse). Okay…this story is really depressing, but not. I had this idea about two weeks ago in the shower and I can't get it out of my head. Thus trying to write any other story is impossible. Forgive the large number of male pronouns, but I purposely tried to write this without a specific pairing. Not to keep you guessing, though it serves that purpose as well. But in the midst of all of it, whoever Lina may choose (and who may choose her in return) there are some things that should be at the heart of every relationship.
Disclaimer: Slayers is the rightful property of Hanjime Kanzaka. Sadly, I make no money for my writing. But kudos to him for giving me someone to write about.
Memories are in italics.
It started out as such a simple thing. Something she wasn't even supposed to hear. But, strangely enough, it had come to mean a lot. A soft whisper when he was sure that she was sleeping. Or supposedly too far away to catch him murmuring it. But it was always so sweet and sure.
Lina couldn't be sure exactly when she first heard him utter it. Perhaps it was after the Dark Star incident. Perhaps it was even earlier than that. All she knew was that it seemed as if he had been saying it forever. It was not the confession of love most damsels dreamed of. And it had puzzled her at first. However, in time the petite sorceress had come to recognize it for what it really was. An undying declaration of love with the sweet assurance that there was more to come.
The first time Lina was positive that she heard it, she had been nestled in his arms under a cherry tree. The little red head had barely had the strength to peer blurrily about her before surrendering to the beckoning gates of weariness. The monsters were gone. So, while basking in the warmth around her, she had conceded to his soft reassurance that everything was okay. He'd rocked her ever so slightly as he hummed quietly under his breath. What anyone would have said about such an odd pair, a man crooning a lullaby to the tiny force of mayhem in his arms, she'd never know. Though, had she been less exhausted, she might have said something about it too.
When she woke later he was tenderly stroking the back of her head and talking softly to himself.
"It will be alright. I know it will."
Lina wanted to ask him what it was he was talking about, but her mind was still pleasantly fuzzy from the depths of a healing induced sleep. Even opening her eyes seemed to be more effort than it was worth. If she could have spoken though, she would have asked him how he could be so sure. And, as if in answer to her unvoiced question, he continued.
"I believe in eternity."
Four words. Four little words that he whispered to her alone. Lina'd never heard him say it to anyone else. But it was not merely something he whispered after dangerous battles were fought and won. Or when he thought that this time he'd lost her for sure. She remembered a much different night several years into their marriage just as keenly.
If anyone had come into the room the sorceress supreme would have denied that the tracks on her face were in fact the salty remains of frustration. Inwardly, Lina fumed about their necessity, privately wondering how a love like theirs could have possibly soured. Nights of sweet tender reminiscence floated through her head, but they only made her current situation look even uglier in comparision. The last few weeks had been a living nightmare. Somehow everything one of them did offended the other. Even breathing seemed to be grounds for a fight. All the pent up frustration had finally culminated into another shouting match not a few hours earlier.
Her husband had left in stony silence. She'd warily watched before retreating upstairs to their room. The red head washed and climbed into bed with mixed feelings. He'd left. Usually Lina was the one who stormed out to work off her excess energy. But she'd never even had the chance. With an unusually solemn look, her husband had stood and left. The petite woman tried to rest, but confusion whorled incessantly through her mind.
It seemed like whatever they'd once had was long gone. The spark was simply dead. In a way, Lina was glad that he'd walked out the door. There certainly hadn't been anything satisfying about the "discussion" they'd been having. And she wasn't really sure that she was sorry anyway. Why should she apologize if she hadn't done anything wrong? Leaving was an admission that he was at fault, wasn't it? But it was a hollow victory as those feelings subsided and Lina wondered a great many things that an independent and beautiful sorcery genius had no business thinking. Was this new distance her fault? What was it that she could be failing to provide for him? More importantly, now that he'd gone out of that door, would he be coming back?
And if he did come back, what would they do next? Rehashing the same fight they'd just had wouldn't help things. Was it even worth it to fight what was happening? They were changing. They were vastly different people than they had been when they first met. Knowing this, was it really worth trying to work out their differences? What did the last several years of their life really mean? Should they split up and go their separate ways? The other side of the bed seemed to echo with the loneliness of that option. Was it a prelude of things to come? Perhaps her husband had already seen the inevitable conclusion and had bypassed the more painful solution by already moving on.
It wasn't like him to leave in pique. However, this time he had. When it came down to it, Lina didn't have to have him around. She could manage by herself. But they'd been together so long now it felt as if more than half of her was missing when he was gone. And, try as she might, she couldn't begin to think of what life would be like without him. Sure, she'd had a life before this, and it had been good. However, those times seemed so distant and far away now. More like a fairy tale than real life. Nothing like the reality of having him here with her every day. But neither could the tiny sorceress unbend far enough to find him and apologize. Not right now. That wasn't her style. But being proud had its price too. Could she really afford to pay it? Lina cried a while, but found that she was too emotionally drained to fall asleep. Instead she lay there with her eyes closed, her face grainy from tears long shed, but that she was too tired to dry.
The petite woman's eyes felt like they had dried shut from the tears crusted over them. So, when the door opened, she didn't move. Quiet movements from across the room told of her husband's return. Soft sounds of boots hitting the floor and rustling fabric stood out in the silence as he prepared himself for bed. Darkness prevailed as he sat on his side of the bed issuing a soft grunt. However, not a word was uttered. Lina remained still, unsure if she dared to speak. A thick silence encased them. The bed shifted again under his weight as her husband climbed between the covers. Chaos' poster child lay still, listening to the sound of his breathing, wondering what had brought him back. Then he whispered quietly to the stillness of the room.
"I believe in eternity."
Life with him hadn't all been as wonderful as that. But neither had it been all bad. The years with each other had blended together and made a melody of their lives. Or better yet a symphony composed of their combined words, stories, and deeds. But one underlying theme kept repeating itself, uniting the cacophony that unfailingly surrounded the sorceress supreme. It was her husband's firm and unshakeable belief that they were not only destined to have met, but were destined to be together forever. It gave him a great sense resolve. And the ability to let Lina be herself, no matter where the road she chose for them might lead. In this life or any of the ones she might care to create for them in the future.
It was strange to be so old. Or think of herself, the sorceress supreme, as a mother. But a mother she was several times over. Another one of her sons had taken a bride today. It all felt so surreal. Lina remembered the feathery smell of his hair as a tiny baby. The sound of his laugh as his father bounced him on his knee. Memories of kissing scraped knees, wiping away his tears, and overhearing his pompous 'lectures' on magic theory danced through her head. Lina's heart stuttered over the memory of a child's hug and a sticky candied kiss before bed. She could almost feel his small chubby arms around her. But now, he belonged to some other woman. And that was the way that it should be. It was time for him to find the happiness she had found with his father. She wished all that for her oldest son with all her heart—all that and more.
But the empty room in their home resonated with an empty place in Lina's heart. And it continued to echo long after the wedding festivities were over. Her remaining children were almost grown. It wouldn't be long before the two girls and her last son struck out on their own. Moved away, had adventures, and found someone to love. The red head had always been proud of her independent nature. But Lina was realizing that, somehow, over the years she had gotten used to living for others. Making sure that her family was fed and happy. Making sure that all was right in their heads and in their hearts. When the last child left, what would her purpose in life be? Unable to quiet her thoughts, she slipped out of her room and out the front door. The moon serenely washed over her as she sat engrossed in thought.
Lina doubted that even with her youthful appearance, that people would remember her as the Dramatta. That life was so long ago. And she was no longer the carefree child who bravely gallavanted about saving the world time and time again. She felt the weight of her current responsibilities, yet she still yearned for adventure. She ached for the glory, but had discovered that anonymity had its benefits as well. Lina Inverse, sorcery genius, had faded neatly into legend. Lina, mother supreme, had gradually taken her place. There was no denying that raising her cihldren was immensely satisfying. But Lina, mother and wife, was quickly losing her place as well. Just who was she metamorphosing into? Who would take her place? It was exciting and scary at the same time.
He still moved like a ghost. But the scent of her husband engulfed her as a pair of arms enfolded her, neatly identifying the one who dared to interrupt her pondering. He squeezed her once, but then let the night sky do the talking for him. A man a few words, she had discovered, could say a lot. A healing silence wrapped around them as her beloved waited for her to share her thoughts. Or not. As always, it was her choice. She kept her eyes fixed on the stars above. Her voice was small as she voiced her fears and discontent.
"Everyone's going away now. Growing up, getting married. I feel useless. Or maybe I'm just bored. I need something different to do. Something new. To go somewhere. Do something. To find myself again."
She waited for an outburst of worry or concern. An exclamation of shock, disappointment, or even approval. But he remained silent. Lina turned her face anxiously to watch her beloved's reaction, wondering frantically what thoughts were streaming through his mind. Her mind screamed for him to say something. Anything, in response to her sudden desire. But what did that infuriating man do? He smiled at her. This sheer act of patronization infuriated her. But before she had a chance to blast him with the wrath of her almighty tongue, he pulled her back into a rough embrace.
"Does it really matter? I'll always love you--no matter what you do or who you decide to become. "
She was unsure if he was taking this seriously. "What if I need to go away for a time?"
Her love smiled patiently. "I've always been willing to follow you anywhere."
The sorceress supreme chewed on her lower lip for a moment. "And if I say I need to do it alone?"
She could feel his chest contract sharply behind her. After a long moment, he exhaled and squeezed her a little tighter before relaxing his grip. His voice was remarkably steady as hr replied, "Then I'd wait."
"Could you really do that?"
His voice was soft. "I'd miss you terribly, but I trust you. I know what we share."
Lina's heart suddenly was full of gratitude for the man behind her. The turbulent feelings in her soul dispersed, leaving a sense of releived freedom in their wake. It was hard to believe that anyone could be so patient with her. With her ever changing moods, mercurial personality, and ever shifting desires. The sorceress knew full well that she was a challenge to live with. Yet he still loved her. And, despite the obvious temptation, he refused to put restraints on her, to clip her wings. Instead he trusted her to fly free, soar high, and return with his heart intact. Emperors and kings could never hope to match him in wisdom or character. Her voice was soft, but full of emotion as she responded to this amazing display of trust.
"Thank you."
They stood a while in each other's arms, drinking in the serenity of the moonlight. Finally, the red head felt content enough to go back to bed. When she tugged on his arm he just smiled and shook his head slightly. Knowing that he needed time to think as well, she slipped back inside and shut the door quietly behind her. It closed with a quiet creak, but that didn't quite obscure his whispered confession to the night sky.
"I believe in eternity."
And here she sat at his bedside years later. The room was airy and light. There was none of the stench one often found around those who were passing on. But that did not change the fact that the man before her was quietly and inevitably slipping away. She lifted his tired hand and rubbed her cheek against it. Somewhere along the way, Lina Inverse had grown out of the shy little girl who fled from the slightest hint of affection. She'd weathered the years with the man beside her and wasn't ashamed to be seen with him. Or to be recognized as being completely in love with him. The years had not all been easy. Nor had they been even remotely close to long enough. But she was grateful for all of the years they had had together. It was more than they had had any right to expect. Between the monsters and the intrigue, the children and the adventures. Between people wanting to kill or recruit one or both of them (occasionally to opposite sides). But Lina had found that of all the things she had given to her husband, he had given her even more in return. He was the only person she trusted with her thoughts as well as her personal safety. And he had unfailingly repaid that trust.
A small lump formed in her throat. Who would she share her most precious moments with when he was gone? Her lover's breathing became more uneven and his hand was growing cold. She bent over and kissed her husband's head, noting with fondness the wrinkles that were forming there. Chaos' poster child had helped put more than several of those creases there. And she was undeniably proud of that fact. Because it marked him as hers--just as much as the worn ring on his finger. Lina listened to him breath softly, pondering the man she had entrusted her heart to these past sixty years. A faint smile graced his beautiful lips, lips she had kissed both in passion and in quiet affirmation of her love. She held his hands, hands that had strengthened her in times of indecision and sadness. The petite woman looked at his closed eyes, wondering what they now would see. It seemed unfair for him to start this journey without her. He had always let her decide where their next adventure would take them. It had been her responsibility to forge into new territory. But she supposed that it was his turn to be able to do this one thing first. After all, much about life with him had been learning to share.
Her heart caught a little as she saw him inhale sharply. Her beloved's chest rose in a jagged intake of breath as if he suddenly hurt. But his face relaxed as he slowly let it out again. Rightly guessing it to be his last, Lina bent slowly over her love's still form. There was one more thing that she wanted to say. His lips fell into a smile as he felt her lean over him. And, on the same breath that his soul spread its dusty wings, her admission sped it on its way.
"I believe in eternity too."
Author's Dedication: I believe in eternity. And it's something I promise to tell my future husband everyday of our married life. To finding him.