I still remember the last time I saw him. The last time that I truly saw him, because I never believe in love at first sight, and ours definitely wasn't love at first sight. Believe me, it wasn't. At all. The first time I saw him in the flesh I was there as a cop. The circumstances that led me to him that day were totally different from the beginning of our love story.
But I like to remember the first time I saw him, that moment I could see him fully- the moment when I felt that man in front of me had the ability to make me feel things that no other human being had ever made me feel. Ever. I remember he was standing behind me. Well, he was always behind me- in every single way. Sometimes it was annoying, I won't tell you it wasn't (well, a very few times). The truth is I loved to have him behind me. I loved to know he had my back, just like I had his. I felt safe. He made me feel safe. I felt that nothing or anyone could hurt me if I had him there. I'm talking about that inner safety that someone has when that special person is at their side; that safety feeling that just one person in the entire world can give you. The only person that you need to live, to love, to stay with. I miss that feeling.
I miss you.
When I found you six years ago the world became a better place. The angst and the pain that I had felt for so long- it all faded away. Everything seemed so insignificant when I had you by my side- even before you were mine (because, of course, my world of insecurities and resentments didn't let you in immediately). But still you were patient, you knew how to dig, you knew to wait for me. You took down that wall I had built between us, not because I didn't want you but because I was just so scared. I was scared to be happy, because I had never been completely happy. And then you came into my life. They say happiness is just little moments in life. Well, I had millions and millions of happy moments these last few years and you were in every single one of them.
Did I ever say thank you to you? Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for not running away. Thank you for coming back after you left. Thank you for helping me when I was trying to find myself. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you. You saved me- you saved me in every single way a person can be saved. Thank you for saving me, Rick. I feel like I never said it enough to you. Thank you. Thank you. "You don't have to thank me" you'd probably say. But I should have had to say it then, because now it's too late and that's something that hurts me so much. You left too soon, my love. I've got so much to tell you. I've got so many kisses to give you. I've got so many cups of coffee to share with you. I've got so many always to say to you.
Thank you for giving all the songs sense. My songs. Your songs. Our songs.
Come back Rick. Come back, my partner. You have no idea how much I miss you. How much I miss your non-sense theories. If you come back I promise I'll never complain about any of them again. If you come back I'll forgive you for denying that you fell in love with me first. Really, who did you think you were you kidding? It was you that fell first. Please, come back, my favorite writer. I never had the chance to tell you how proud I was- how proud I am- that I was a muse to you. You're mine. You were my muse. I thought we were going to have all the time in the world. I guess nobody really does have it. Remember the number one on your list? I could never show you mine. Well, I guess you knew what was in there. You always knew. I hope.
This book is the last thing I have left of you. I guess that's why it's taking me so long to write this. This is my way to say goodbye to you. Yes, I know, I've never been easy with words- you should know that better than anyone else. But this is the last living part of you that remains- for the world, at least, because for me you'll never leave. You will be in every morning coffee. You will be in every smile my lips curl in (sometimes unintentionally) before that first sip. You'll be in every page of every book I ever read. You'll be in every corner of my skin, because I belong to you. I loved you, I love you and I will always love you. I'll love you until my last breath. I never believed in love stories, so thank you for giving me mine. Thank you for writing it with me every day. I am and I'll be your, always.
P.S: Oh, and Rick? I'm pregnant. Thank you for that too. Always yours, Kate.