You Almost Forget
As the months pass, you almost forget how much you really love her. You almost forget the sound of her laughter ringing with your own. You almost forget how much you love watching her smile; the one where she shows all of her teeth and it's like she's completely free. You almost forget how the feel of her hand tucked inside yours makes your stomach squeeze and your heart race. You almost forget how funny she is, how beautiful she is, how much she means to you. You almost forget, but somehow you don't.
Somehow, you manage to hold on to the fragments of memory, the part of your heart that belongs solely to her, and you keep it hidden. Guarded and frozen, but still unforgettable. You still cannot erase the night she broke your heart, the night you replay over and over inside your head, your heart growing harder each time the memory repeats. You shut her out, but she can't be dismissed. Every time you try not to think of her, an image of her face hurtles into your mind. Her auburn curls falling around her face, framing her rosy cheeks. Soft, sparkling eyes hit you full force, and you try and try not to gasp or shout; to keep Pam and the memories she brings as far as possible from your thoughts and dreams.
But it's hard, so much harder then you expected, when you see her again and it's so difficult to keep the feelings back. But you're with Karen now and you have to hide it better than ever before.
Every once in a while you glance over at her and it's just like old times and nothing's changed and your heart is still whole and unbroken. But then she looks at you and you know that nothing will ever be the same and you can't love her and she can't love you.
But now, as she stands beside you, laughing and joking, touching your arm, it is just like it was before, only different. And it's not you; it's her. She's not the same woman she used to be; her smile is wider, her shoulder's held higher and you know you never really forgot her. You still love her and it doesn't seem to matter that you're with someone else. Karen doesn't exist for you anymore; all that you care about is Pam. All that you contain is an overwhelming desire to keep that smile on her face, make her happy...
The more you talk to her, the more you laugh with her, you almost forget the reason you tried to forget her in the first place. So when Karen comes into the conference room, an expression full of anger and suspicion blazing on her face, and asks if you still have feelings for Pam, all you can do is nod your head and murmur a soft, "yes."
As Karen walks away, you don't feel empty or even that sad. Mostly you feel like a liar. You feel like the stupid, lying Jim Halpert you have become. And then you think, how could you have been so blind? How could you have been so stupid as to deny your feelings and then hurt someone that you care about with all of your lies?
But now everyone else is gone and it's just you, and Pam is standing is standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame and you feel your heart beat just a little quicker.
"You coming?" she asks, looking a little worried. You love it when she looks worried, you realize; her brow furrows just a little and, even though she is frowning, you still think that she is beautiful.
"Yeah, I'm coming."
She smiles again and goes to get her coat. You follow close behind and then you're both in the elevator. She looks up at you with those big brown eyes and all of the sudden you're kissing her. You've kissed her before, but this time it's different. This time there is nothing, no one that can stop you, either of you, from kissing the other. Her arms wrapped around your neck, her hands tangled in your hair and all you can think is how perfect her lips feel against yours and how perfectly she fits inside your arms.
Pulling away, breathing hard, she lays her head on your chest and you stroke her soft curls and neither of you care that you're in the lobby of Dunder Mifflin Paper Supply Company, elevator doors thrown wide, and a camera crew right outside the window.
"Jim?"
"Hmmm?" you murmur into her hair.
"Please don't leave again."
"I don't plan to."
You hear her laugh, but it sounds watery and you can feel her warm tears soak into your shirt and honestly it's the happiest you've ever been.
She holds you tightly and whispers, "Good."
You smile and kiss the top of her head.
"I think I love you, Jim."
"I think I love you, too, Pam."
And you do love her. You love her more than words can express, and somehow your heart begins to mend and you almost forget the heartbreak. You almost forget, and yet you don't, but it's all right. It's okay that you can't forget all together, because somehow she's in your arms and she's not leaving and you're not leaving, and neither of you ever will. That's what love is all about, isn't it?