Dear Arthur,
It's been a really long time living without you. I'm starting to give up hope I'll ever see you again. I'm starting to lose faith in our legends and myths. I'm starting to miss you and let it get bad again.
The girl I like to spy on in the park came back after almost a year. She looked so lonely and lost without her friends, the boy and the girl she never failed to come without. She was sitting on the swing, eyes trained to the ground, and crying. I sat on the swing beside her, asked her what was wrong and where her friends were. Turned out the other girl found God and suddenly didn't want to be friends with her anymore. The boy got himself killed in action during the war. I wish I could have spared her that pain. I know exactly how she feels because I still feel it whenever I think of you.
I told her about you, Arthur. Said I lost someone in a war when I wasn't that much older than her. Told her the pain lessens every year that I realise you're still gone. It does, but the pain never goes away. I still feel lost without you. Still feel so empty. I keep wondering why I'm still alive if my destiny was to serve you. Are you ever coming back, Arthur? Am I ever going to be able to protect you again?
The girl told me she felt lost and useless and completely unimportant. She reminded me of you, that night we spoke about Tristan and how he said there was nothing special about you and you believed him. I demanded to know who told her she was worthless, but I have a feeling she's just underestimating herself. She might not be a queen and she might not have magic, but she matters. Her biggest wish was to get whisked away by the Doctor in his TARDIS and to help other people, save planets, kind of like what you and I did. I admire her for that. I see so much of you in her, Arthur. Maybe that's why I've taken such an interest in her.
She doesn't look like you, though. She looked more like Morgana, with her long dark curly hair and her piercing green eyes. But she's small and short like Guinevere and has Gwaine's large infectious smile. She's sweet like Leon but can be a big pigheaded like Elyan and fiercely loyal like Percival. I guess she reminds me of everything I miss about Camelot, and I don't even know her name. Perhaps the next time I see her I'll ask, though it might be a little creepy coming from an old man. Maybe I'll tell her my secret, stop being Emrys for a while and start embracing the fact that things won't be the same anymore.
I miss you so much, but you died and I can't change that. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, but I don't want to be bitter about it forever. Maybe she can help me ease the pain. Maybe she'll renew my faith in Kilgharrah's words. I just want so much for you to rise out of Lake Avalon, Arthur. I'm still here. What are you waiting for, dollophead?
Quit milling around and come home to me.
Love, Merlin