A little fic dedicated to Niere in recognition of her high fidelity and constant reviews which are held in the highest regard and esteem and always gratefully received.
This fiction originally stopped short at the sex –
because I don't think I write that so well. But I challenged Roz to carry it on
– because she does. So the slashy sex is in chapter 2 and written by Roz Morgan
with love to Niere.
Llinos
Oxford English Dictionary definitions
crumpet noun 1. a thick, flat, savoury cake with a
soft, porous texture, made from a yeast mixture cooked on a griddle and eaten
toasted and buttered.
crumpet noun 2. (Brit. informal) people regarded as
objects of sexual desire
Chapter 1
by Llinos
"Pippin! Where did you put the crumpets?" Merry was rifling around in the kitchen of the house in Crickhollow opening cupboards and taking the lid off the stone crock, pulling stale crusts out of the breadbin.
"Um I'm not sure." The answer came from the sitting room, but no Pippin followed it.
"Well you brought them from the bakery this morning, you must remember where you put them!" Merry was getting exasperated now. "Come and help me look."
"Why do you want them?" Pippin called back, still not coming to help.
"Silly, I want to toast them for our tea of course." Merry had given up searching and was standing with his arms akimbo waiting for Pippin. "The kettle's boiling, don't you want any crumpets."
"Er no, not for me." Pippin responded casually. "Just tea, thank you."
"Pippin!" Merry knew that innocent tone meant Pippin had done something he shouldn't have. "Did you put the crumpets in your belly?"
"Do I have to answer that, Merry?" Pippin peeped around the kitchen door. "Have you got any better questions than that one?"
"I don't have any more important questions than that one." Merry was half smiling but still looking a little miffed. "You ate them didn't you? All six?"
"Well," Pippin began ticking them off on his fingers. "They looked so nice I thought I'd just have one, but I put it on the toasting fork and it fell off into the fire and got all burnt up. So I took another and I balanced it just right on the grate, but then it fell off into the ash."
"So you threw it away?" Merry raised his eyebrows.
"Well no, I ate it anyway, but you know how I hate ash on my food," Pippin carried on quickly, "so I thought I'd better have another."
"That still leaves three." Merry pointed out.
"Well I haven't finished the story yet." Pippin sighed in exasperation. "I did the next one really carefully, but, just as I was going to turn it over, some squirrels started a fight just outside the window, so I had to go and watch and, Merry it was really good, one was biting the other and squabbling then running up the tree and the other. . . "
"Pippin, could we stick to crumpets please?" Merry suggested. "I want my tea and I'm rather interested in their fate."
Pippin drew a deep breath, "Anyway, so of course that crumpet got spoiled."
"And you threw it away?"
"Well, no, but I didn't really enjoy it, so I thought I'd better have another." Pippin explained. "So the fourth crumpet I toasted really nicely and I was taking it off the fork and it burnt my fingers."
"How inconsiderate of it." Merry said seriously.
"I thought so," agreed Pippin. "Anyway, so I dropped it and it fell in my beer."
"You were having beer with crumpets?"
"Well I was having beer, but not much luck with the crumpets." Pippin pointed out.
"So you threw it away. . . " Merry shook his head slowly, "no you didn't, did you? You ate it anyway."
"But I didn't enjoy it Merry." Pippin explained patiently.
"That still leaves two crumpets." Merry had realised by now that he was not going to be having any crumpets for tea, but was still interested in their adventures.
"Yes the fifth crumpet was a great success." Pippin announced proudly. "I toasted it just right and put butter and jam on it and it was delicious."
"Good." said Merry, a glimmer of hope that there might still be one crumpet left for him. "And the sixth crumpet."
"We-ll," Pippin began tentatively. "The fifth crumpet was so good that I totally forgot to make any tea to go with it. Now you say yourself Merry that to have crumpets without tea is like stew without salt, cheese without bread…" Merry started advancing on Pippin with a grim look on his face. "… you without me! No Merry, I'm sorry, really, I'll get some more tomorrow."
Merry caught hold of Pippin by the scruff of his collar and hauled him back into the kitchen. "Toast? You got bread this morning, you can make me some toast to pay for your gluttony."
"Oh Merry!" Pippin wailed. "I'm sorry."
"We do have bread – don't we?"
"Well you see it was the squirrels' fault." Pippin began. "They were so funny and I wanted them to come back so I . . ."
"You fed the bread to the squirrels?" Merry let go of Pippin's collar and slumped down on the kitchen bench, his jaw dropped in disbelief. "What! All of it?"
"Yes, I think so," Pippin rifled around in the breadbin. "There're some crusts."
"Pippin, they're green" Merry snapped and then folded his arms and fixed his very crossest face firmly in position.
"Merry, don't be angry." Pippin came and tried to unfasten his arms. "I'm sorry! How can I make it up to you?"
"You can't," Merry sulked. "In fact I'm deciding how best I am going to punish you for being such a bad little hobbit."
"Oh Merry," Pippin was half frightened and half excited at the prospect. "Don't be cruel to me."
"I'm going to be very cruel." Merry grabbed hold of Pippin by his arms. "I'm going to torture you slowly and then I'm going to eat you."
"Eat me?" Pippin giggled nervously. "Do you think I'd taste good?"
"That depends." Merry stood up and began pulling Pippin over to the fire. "I might have to toast you first."
"No!" Pippin wailed. "I'll be quite delicious raw, honestly Merry."
"All right," Merry relented. "But since you've eaten all the crumpets and given away all the bread, I need something to put my butter and jam on, now don't I?"
"You wouldn't!" Pippin smiled at his cousin's idea.
"Just go along to the bedchamber and wait and see what I wouldn't." Merry began collecting up what he needed. The butter pot, a jar of jam, a length of cooking muslin. "Hurry up." He nodded to the door and Pippin pulled his mesmerised stare away from Merry and scampered out the door.
"And don't let me catch you with your clothes on in my bed." Merry shouted after him.
****
Continued in Chapter 2 by Roz Morgan