In which Slytherin! Harry Potter is the most mischievous little prat in the world, and he uses his knowledge of Muggle things for a great cause. This is in no linear order, though certain characters or dates may appear that show what year it is. The others, you can decide for yourself.
Anyone who can guess all of the references in this gets 20 points.
I do not own the characters or any of the settings! Just my writing.
~~~~~~!
Harry strolled down the Hogwarts corridor, bag slung around his shoulder and his Slytherin tie proudly on display. He was humming a soft tune, making other students send glares his way. Well, really the glares weren't from his humming, as it was quite excellent humming. No, they were still mad after 3 years that he was a Slytherin. All he did was roll his eyes and turn the other way.
He frowned as he realized he had Divination next. Harry couldn't remotely stand Divination. It was boring and had absolutely no purpose in the world whatsoever. Plus, the teacher was the one who sealed his fate as "the boy who lived", although no one called him that anymore. It was more "The next Dark Lord" or "Evil bitch". With the way they kept acting, he was genuinely considering the first one.
As he continued along the hallway, he couldn't help but grin at the sight of his Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin. He had known the man was a Werewolf since his first break from class during the full moon. Honestly, everyone else in the school was an idiot. The scratches on the man's face were the first red flag.
Harry changed his humming tune to "Hungry like a Wolf" once the professor got close enough to hear. A few muggleborns turned to stare at him, but no one else payed much attention. The professor, however, twitched, and turned to look at Harry. Harry just gave the man a polite smile and continued on his way to Divination, trying not to laugh at the shocked expression on his face. He knew he was going to get a good chat from the professor later, but he was going to enjoy it for as long as he could.
~~~~~~!
Harry sat in Arithmancy, bored out of his mind. He stared down at his notes, wishing he hadn't taken the class. As much as he knew it was an important subject to learn, he always despised maths. This was as close as it got in Hogwarts to it. He wished he had chosen Care of Magical Creatures over this, but even sometimes Hagrid's class got a bit too violent. He shuddered at the memory of the flesh eating slugs.
Staring at the professor, who seemed quite bored herself, Harry got a sudden idea. In the middle of her ramblings, he raised his hand. She paused, confused as to what a student would be questioning right in the middle of the lesson. She nodded her head at Harry, who bit back a smirk as he asked, "Excuse me, I know this isn't in the lesson, but I am quite curious. What is the square root of negative one?"
"I'm sorry?" The professor questioned, her eyebrows furrowed in a confused manor. Harry gave her a charismatic smile.
"I asked what the square root of negative one is. I don't suppose you know it?"
Harry grinned at the muggleborns who were giggling behind their hands. The only time he could gain house unity was when he was messing around, so he tried to do it as much as possible. The only Slytherins that seemed to like him were the neutral ones, like Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass. They weren't all that common really.
"I'm not sure what you mean… Square root? Is that a herbology term?" The professor questioned once again, confused out of her mind. Finally, all of the muggleborns broke out in laughter so loud that it was clear there was a joke going on. "Mr. Potter, 10 points from Slytherin."
"For what, professor? I don't mean to be rude, but I was just asking a simple question. It does have relation to the subject we are studying."
"Meet me after class, Mr. Potter."
Harry snickered behind his hand, knowing he had narrowly escaped a detention. He would probably earn the house points back pretty quickly in potions as well. He never dared to touch Snape with his humor. Not even with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.
~~~~~~!
Harry Potter was a simple man. Every time he saw Dumbledore, he would call him a new name. Luckily, he didn't see Dumbledore that much, or else he would have to repeat some of the names.
"Hey, Gandalf, where's your staff?"
"Santa, what are you doing here in October?"
"I am much honored to be in such a grand castle, My Leige."
"I wasn't aware I had followed a yellow brick road, Wizard of Oz."
Needless to say, Dumbledore avoided Harry Potter as much as he could.
~~~~~~!
Harry had to admit, his most recent idea was one of the best business bringers yet in all of his four years at Hogwarts. Especially considering his two biggest customers, Greg Goyle and Vince Crabbe, kept falling for it too. He couldn't help but enjoy the sound of clinking coins as he carried his money to his dorm. It wasn't like he didn't have enough, he just enjoyed how stupid people could be.
Hedwig, at first, wasn't too keen on the idea. With a little bit of convincing and more owl treats than she should probably have in a day, she began to comply with Harry's idea. He dipped her feet in ink and beckoned her across a piece of parchment with an owl treat. She complied, hooting as she did so. He grinned as he did another one, before letting them sit out to dry.
When he rolled them up, he glanced over to see Crabbe and Goyle walk into the dormitory with their bags still in hand. Harry grinned as they spoke, "Uh, we have Ancient Runes next. Do you have those cheat sheets?"
"Right here. That will be two galleons each." Harry lifted the two rolled-up parchments up, and smirked as the two idiots dug in their pockets for coins. They both handed him the galleons, and he gave them the parchments, before sending them off. "Good luck with your quiz!"
Ah, the sweet sound of profit in the morning.
~~~~~~!
The one ability Harry prized above all others was his affinity for wandless and wordless magic. It had come as a surprise to him and everyone else in the school, which only fueled the "Dark Lord" rumors, but Harry loved it for entirely different reasons.
How he discovered he could do such a thing was the best story of all. Harry had been bored in Transfiguration one day, as they were doing purely theory work and nothing else. As much as he loved reading, Transfiguration was the one subject he could not stand not doing some sort of magic. Along with Charms, but he considered them in the same category, even if Mcgonagall would definitely yell at him if he said such a thing aloud.
He had noticed a particularly interesting object on the other side of the room, which seemed to be a recently confiscated prank item. It reminded him of a water balloon, except he knew it was filled with an inflatable swamp. He discreetly stuck his hand out as if to use the force, even though he knew it wasn't possible to do such a thing.
To his surprise, the balloon flew into his hand with a loud smack, though luckily it hadn't popped. Everyone's eyes turned to him as he froze, staring down at his hand. He hadn't expected that at all, but he couldn't help the grin that slid onto his face.
"Mr. Potter, what on earth was that?" Professor Mcgonagall questioned, her strict tone breaking him out of his amazement. He glanced up at her stern face and winced. So much for trying to stay detention free for the entire year.
"Um, the force?"
He could hear a few muggleborns chuckle behind him, and he resisted the urge to smile himself. Mcgonagall, however, was certainly not amused. "What does that mean?"
"Well, I had been staring at the balloon, and I wanted it. So I pretended to use the force and it flew towards me. Please tell me there is a magical explanation for this, because I don't know what I would do if I was a Jedi along with a wizard," Harry deadpanned, sending ripples of laughter behind him.
The professor's eyes widened, as she tensed up for a moment before looking Harry in the eyes and saying, "Meet me in my office after class. We have a few things we need to discuss."
Harry couldn't help but wonder what the amazement in her tone was for, but he didn't pay much attention to it. He was more focused on the dread that the thought of a detention brought.
~~~~~~!
The 4th year Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was extremely creepy to Harry. That was against Lockhart, who still made Harry shudder in disgust every time he thought of the unnecessarily cheery man. Harry, however, could not get over Professor Moody's fake eye. He couldn't help but remind Moody every time he passed.
"You know, has anyone ever told you your fake eye is pretty creepy? Because it is."
"Honestly, I'm considering asking you to make a copy of that eye for me for Halloween. I bet I could scare a lot of people."
"Really, that eye always shocks me. I doubt I'll ever be used to it. It's so creepy."
"Do you have any other creepy body parts? Because I don't think I could handle it after that eye."
"I don't suppose you're a cyborg, yeah? The eye makes you seem like one. It's creepy."
Professor Moody was another person who desperately tried to avoid Harry whenever he could.
~~~~~~!
Harry winced against the strong winds that made his hair fly all around. He was sure his glasses were going to go flying off his face, but he knew it would be worth it if he could get the damn thing on. He glanced down at the ground below, and gulped deeply. This was probably the stupidest thing he had done in his record of stupid things. And that included sending a fake snake after Ms. Norris.
He gripped the metal pole tighter, scooching upwards against the wind. If only he could reach the very tip of the astronomy tower… He cursed at himself, swearing that whenever he got down from the infernal tower he was going to the kitchens and getting himself a nice, soothing hot chocolate.
"Mr. Potter! What are you doing up there!" He could hear someone screech. He assumed it was a professor, and scowled. He had to finish his job, and fast. He fastened the mobile phone mast onto the highest point and slowly lowered himself town off the top of the Astronomy tower and into the small area where about five professors stood.
"What in the h- Mr. Potter, what were you doing up there? You could have gotten yourself killed!" Professor Mcgonagall screeched, making Harry grin. He moved a hand up to flatten out his hair, while the other hand pulled out a strange muggle device. Most of the teachers had no idea what it was.
"Damn it! I still have no bars."
~~~~~~!
It was a cool but sunny day, the perfect time to loiter across the grounds of Hogwarts. However, many students were gathered around the Whomping Willow (at a safe distance, of course). Normally, the students wouldn't put on such a big display of house unity, but the situation called for it quite well.
Harry Potter was attempting to hang a piñata from the Whomping Willow, which proved to be an impossible task. He often got tossed across the yard, but jumped up quite fine to try once again. Many students had heard of Harry's weird but impressive stunts and jokes, but they hadn't expect something like this. Many students were left wondering why the hell he wasn't sorted into Gryffindor if he was brave enough to do something so stupid.
Harry, however, was not a stupid boy. Quite the contrary, actually. He had made sure to cast many layers of cushioning charms on the ground, and he had brewed a pain dulling potion the night before. It wasn't like Snape would miss the ingredients. Plus, it was for a good cause. He was making history.
He jumped up once again, hoping to snag the piñata on one of the branches that were twisting left and right. He jumped over a lower branch, grinning to himself. He was scared out of his wits, even with all of the safety he had applied, but he had to admit it was quite thrilling. It wasn't every day that you got to go head-to-head against a tree.
Glancing at the crowd that had formed around the tree, he smirked. It was time for the best, or stupidest depending on your view, idea to come into action. He cast a sticking charm on his glasses before jumping onto one of the lower hanging branches, straddling it like a horse. The entire crowd gasped, stunned at his insanely idiotic stunt.
He grimaced, the wind whipping all around him and making his hair fly in all directions. He slowly inched forward towards a branch which he could hook the piñata on. With a bit of fast thinking and quick fingers, the piñata was attached, leaving him free to get off the tree.
When it reached its lowest point, Harry closed his eyes and let go of the tree. He scrunched up his face as his body curled inwards, ready for the pain of hitting the ground, but instead he bounced on the invisible cushioning charms. He could hear the cheers of all the other students as he stood up, a smirk on his face. He had actually done it.
A glance behind him showed the tree had mostly stilled, and there was a small pink piñata hanging from one of its branches. Mission accomplished.
~~~~~~!
Harry was ecstatic when he heard the news that the toad was finally gone from Hogwarts. She had been the worst professor they ever had, and that was saying something. The track record for teachers in Hogwarts was the worst one any had in the entire history of wizarding schools. Someone really needed to update their priorities. It's a school for Merlin's sake.
He strolled down the hallway, a broad smile on his face. The sun was shining, the ugly bitch was gone, and everyone was at peace. There wasn't a better Saturday Harry could think off. With those thoughts in mind, Harry began to sing,
"Once there was a wicked witch
In the lovely land of OZ
And a wickeder, wickeder,
Wickeder witch that never, ever was
She filled the folks in Munchkin Land
With terror and with dread
Till one fine day from Kansas
A house fell on her head
And the coroner pronounced her: DEAD
And through the town the joyous news went running
The joyous news that the wicked old witch
Was finally done in
Ding-Dong! The witch is dead!"
Many muggleborns passed out from laughter that morning.
~~~~~~!
The one redeeming feature of going back to the muggle world for the summer was the fact that he could stock up on all of the items he needed for the school year. He had plenty of money, he just had to get passed the Dursleys, which was quite easy. They let him go for walks far too often for a family who didn't want others to know they had a freak living in their house.
So, when third year arrived, Harry had quite the collection of muggle items he brought with him. The devious ideas he had for the items constantly flew through his mind, and half the train journey consisted of him writing down said ideas.
When he realized his Defense professor was a werewolf, he decided to us his first muggle item. Each morning, when he passed the defense classroom to go to charms, he pulled a smiley face sticker out of his backpack. He cast a permanent sticking charm on it, and stuck it to the door. He knew it was quite cruel, and someone would surely find out that it was him doing such a thing, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It was too amusing to watch the stickers build up without anyone being able to take them off.
Soon, the entire door was filled with stickers. The door was no longer wood, it was a bright yellow with the smiles scattered all over. Harry had to resist the urge to burst out laughing every time he passed the door. It was probably much funnier to him than anyone else.
One day, as he passed the doorway, he waved his wand at it. All of the stickers fell off the door at once, making some students stop and stare. Harry smirked, continuing his walk to charms. Time for phase two.
~~~~~~!
Harry Potter's favorite activity was to annoy the every living hell out of Draco Malfoy. They were on civil terms, yes, but they took pride in being head-to-head for the spot at the top of Slytherin. So any chance they got to annoy their rival was immediately snatched up.
One day, Harry and Draco were paired up for potions. Harry had to resist the urge to glare at Snape, who was smirking at them. He knew how fragile their relationship was, and he wanted to see who would be the first to blow up.
Luckily for Harry, Draco seemed to not have gotten much sleep the night before. He had been dosing off the entire time Snape gave instructions for the potion, giving Harry time to edit Draco's textbook slightly. He grinned as he changed his as well, making sure he was able to reverse it when necessary.
He nudged Draco awake when the instructions had ended, making the blonde glare at him. Harry shrugged, gesturing at the potion. That seemed to make the prat wake up, and he immediately began working on the potion.
When they reached the incantation part of potion, Draco frowned. He glanced over at Harry's book, which had the exact same incantation inside of it. He glanced up at Harry, giving him a questioning look. "Is that actually the incantation?"
"Why wouldn't it be? It's written in the book."
Draco sighed, muttering to himself about how he "knew that already, Potter". Harry bit his cheek to stop his smirk from appearing, knowing differently. Draco picked up his wand and pointed towards the potion, speaking in a voice with too much confidence for such a statement, "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang."
The whole class paused in silence, a tense atmosphere spreading quickly over all of them, before the muggleborns burst out laughing. Harry chuckled along with them, covering his mouth with his hand. His giggles only increased when Draco gave him a murderous glare, and he knew he would be in a considerable amount of trouble later.
~~~~~~!
Disapparating was one of Harry's favorite pastimes once he learned how. He would often pop around from place to place to scare people, and it definitely worked. He never got bored of the shocked looks on people's faces when he popped up in front of them for a second and then popped away.
Although that was quite hilarious, there was only one thing better than that. He thought of the idea as he was leaving the great hall, choosing that day to walk on foot rather than apparate to each of his classes. You have to enjoy the scenery sometimes, right?
He suddenly stopped in the middle of the entrance hall, making people grumble at him to move along like the rest of them. However, all he did was grin, as a beautiful plan formed in his mind. He glanced around for any teachers, before screaming at the top of his lungs "Beam me up Scotty!" and dissapparating.
Multiple people were sent to the hospital after fainting from shock.
~~~~~~!
Nicking prefect badges was far too easy in Harry's opinion. Especially the Ravenclaw ones, considering the common room had next to no security. The others houses had an alarm for whenever a student from another house walked in (he checked), but Ravenclaw just had a lame riddle as their guard.
Also, no one in the Ravenclaw dorm warded their trunks. Was everyone just bluntly honest about what they were going to steal from others? It was idiotic, and a waste of time. Stealing from others was so much more fun.
So, after picking the lock of a prefect's trunk and grabbing the badge, Harry headed out into the dark corridors of Hogwarts. It was four in the morning, and the professors had long since stopped patrolling the hallways. He picked up knowledge like this after being caught many times by Professor Snape who eventually just told you when the professors stopped.
Harry grinned as he spotted Peeves floating around the entrance hall, looking bored out of his mind without any students or professors to prank. Harry could understand it. After being a poltergeist for so many years, Hogwarts must have gotten boring. "Hey, Peeves, I got you what you needed."
Peeves turned towards Harry, who was holding up the Ravenclaw prefect badge with a grin. Peeves floated over and snatched it from Harry's hands, who then fold his arms across his chest before questioning, "So, you're still going to hold up your end of the bargain, right?"
"Potty's only requests were to cause havoc, not take points from Slytherin, and not let anyone know it was him who stole the badge. Easily!" Peeves sneered, attaching the badge to himself and floating around. Harry stifled a chuckle at the thought of the houses in negative points. He couldn't wait to see that.
"Make sure you stick to that, or otherwise I will get the Bloody Baron. I am on good authority with him," Harry reminded Peeves, who gulped and nodded quickly. Harry smiled brightly and turned around, intent on getting a hot chocolate from the kitchens. He was satisfied with his work for the day.