Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor who and the song is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, which sadly I also do not own.

Spoilers: For the Parting of Ways, New Earth and School Reunion.

The Doctor sorts out his feelings about Roseand his head, but what will he decide?

Soul Seaching

I'd give up forever to touch you
Cos I know that you feel me somehow

The Doctor was sitting on his large cushy leather chair in the control room. His eye lingered on Rose as he watched her lying on the sofa lost deep in thought. He couldn't help but look at her, she was so beautiful, and living like this was torture for him. Just watching her, waiting, making up tiny lies whenever she caught him staring – which was becoming a regular occurrence. It was as though she always knew when he was looking at her, she would let him stare for a while then she would raise her head, her eyes deep and mysterious – but always sparkling – and give him a small smile. She would hold his eyes for a moment then return to what she was doing, the Doctor always longed to know what she was thinking in these moments.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

He could barely remember life before Rose; it was just a blur – a blur of darkness. She had come into his life and lit it up in every possible way. He hated taking her home even if it was for a visit, he was so afraid that one day she would just decide to stay. That she would return to earth, to the barren rock, to the world of routines and the Doctor feared that one day she would wake up and decide that she couldn't handle the spontaneity of their life anymore. He lived to please her, but he knew in a way he was only doing it to try and convince her to stay longer, wherever her took her to impress her they always ended up in trouble and nearly dead. Each time this happened he came so close to saying those three little words, to just letting her know once and for all, but then she would smile at him convincing him everything was going to be alright and he couldn't do it. He couldn't say those words to her, he didn't know if she wanted to hear them – he hoped she did – or if she would run a hundred miles if he did say them. All he knew is he couldn't return to his life, back to the darkness he experienced after the Time War –Gallifrey wasn't his home any more, no where was, wherever she was – that's where his home was.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life

The events of the Game Station ran through his mind, he had kissed her. He had finally kissed her. Every time he saw her he could feel her lips pressed against his, taste his mouth on hers. Taking the time vortex out of her was his ultimate sacrifice, his life for hers, it was the final dedication of his love for her… but she would never know. She couldn't remember those events; she couldn't even remember the kiss. He didn't know what hurt more, never kissing Rose or having kissed her and her not remembering. Then on New Earth their lips had met again, only this time Rose wasn't controlling the kiss – Cassandra was. Did this make it wrong for him to have enjoyed it? Knowing that he had kissed Rose without her consent, for all he knew she had been screaming inside her mind – but he would never know.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cos I don't think that they'd understand

He couldn't leave the Tardis right now. He couldn't let the world see the emotions that rode through his soul, these emotions that were always present his eyes. He knew that every time he smiled at Rose she could see his love for her in his eyes – or could she? He knew that he tried to hide it, so often he closed his eyes in a hope that these feelings would pass and they could continue as normal, but what was normal any more? Was normal travelling through time and space alone? Was it travelling with her, flirting and laughing but remaining just friends? Was it gazing at her every moment he could whilst he longed to tell her of his undying love? Was normal just hiding it all away in a hope to keep her around for longer? Looking at her curled up sleeping on the sofa, was that normal?

When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

It was true, whatever happened – if he told her – if he didn't – it would all end one way. Rose had to die. It was a scientific fact; she was a human, a simple human being, nothing more than an ape. That's what he had told himself so many times but he knew it wasn't true, how could he love an ape like this? And that's why he longed to tell her, so she would know. He couldn't handle it if she died without knowing, or if he died without telling. He had told her about his past, about his life, he had told her everything, everything except this. He had done so much, been so many places, seen things that people wouldn't believe but he was terrified, terrified of three little words. It wasn't the words he was scared of, it was the reaction, it was what came after the words. It could go two ways: a slap in a face and a demand to be taken back home or hearing the words back then having to do 'domestic' which would end one day either by death or other means just causing more heartbreak. This story couldn't have a happy ending.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies

The Doctor thought about when he had taken Rose back to Earth, when they met Sarah Jane Smith. He'd loved her once, not how he loves Rose, but he had defiantly loved her. Meeting her again, knowing what would happen to Rose if he left her one day, he knew he couldn't do that. He had almost told her that day, told her the truth, the words echoed through his head. 'Imagine watching that happen to someone you…', how could she not know? He had practically told her then but all she had replied was 'What Doctor?' . How he longed to just kiss he and abandon reality and plans and everything that could happen, just to kiss her and have her know how he felt. But then again, something's are worth getting your heart broken for. He remembered Sarah Jane saying that, had it been a warning to him? To Rose? Or just a passing comment on her life? The Doctor didn't know.

When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

The Doctor continued to watch Rose, bathed in her beauty. Their lives were like the movies, different outfits, different places, different realities, but wherever they went it always came back to one reality: The Doctor loved Rose. He had tried to hide from it in the early days, he had teased her and let her run off with all sorts of men, Mickey, Adam, Jack, but one thing was true, she always came back to him. Was it because she loved him or because she needed a security blanket to fall back on? She ran after these men because she needed them to compliment her to make her feel beautiful, but didn't she know that she was beautiful in every way already and that the best compliments came from him? All she had to do was look into his eyes and she would know everything. Sometimes the Doctor hated the small minds of humans, unable to see everything that was so obvious to him, but if she knew everything wouldn't that make everything harder? Well at least he wouldn't be harbouring this great secret anymore.

I just want you to know who I am

The Doctor looked at Rose one last time and knew he couldn't hold it in any longer, he couldn't hide it from her. He stood up and slowly walked over to her; he knelt beside the sofa and gently pushed a lock of hair off of her face. Her eyes slowly opened and came to rest on his face.

'Doctor?' she quietly asked. This was it, no going back,

'There's something I need to tell you…' the Doctor began.

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