Title: The Unwilling Courtship of Hermione Granger
Genre: Romance/Parody
Pairing: DracoxHermione
Category: Harry Potter
Rating: T
Summary: in whichDraco is love-struck and Hermione is unwilling.
A/N: this is utter crack. Ooc!Draco abound. It was actually really fun. I should write unrepentant crack more often. Oh wait, I already do, silly me.
My Dearest Juliet (also known as Hermione Granger),
Please take these roses as a sign of my everlasting love for you.
-Your Star-crossed Lover,
Draco Malfoy
To a Mr. Draco Malfoy,
No. Take the roses back, I'm allergic to them. Also, next time you send me anything I will promptly use it as my dummy for DADA. You have been warned.
-Hermione Granger
P.S. I am not your star-crossed anything. Please stop informing everyone in the immediate vicinity that this is so.
My Dearest Rose (did you even take the time to see what kind of rose they were? they were Hermione roses),
Forgive me for my most grievous error. If my sources had informed me of your allergy I would've given you something more fitting to your tastes (calla lilies perhaps?) Take these French Truffles and Wine as a token of my apologies.
Perhaps we could meet somewhere to share them? The astronomy tower tomorrow night at 7?
-Dreaming of you,
Draco Malfoy
P.S. Of course you are. Our love is foretold in the stars and we come from opposite sides of the line. That is the very definition of star-crossed.
To an Annoying Prat who cannot take a hint,
Sources? Who are these sources and how can my wand meet their faces?
I do not like calla lilies. they are too... delicate. However, I do enjoy Bluebells. If you could acquire those I might be more forgiving of the incident in Potions today. Serenading me in front of the Potions classroom is not romantic at all and in bad taste. Don't ever do it again. Ever.
No, I will not meet you tonight at 7. Get over it. The truffles and wine have already been consumed. So sorry to be of inconvenience to you. (it is very nice wine, where did you get it and where can I go about getting more of it?)
-Avoiding you at all costs,
Hermione Granger
P.S. What stars? What planet do you live on Malfoy?
My lovely, amazing, and completely wonderful Potions partner (please try to avoid throwing your book at the back of my head again, that hurt),
I cannot reveal my sources because if I did you would get your lovely hands on them and then I would have no more source.
Please enjoy the Bluebells sent with this note. And the earrings. They're very beautiful according to Pansy.
How could I not serenade you my lovely? Your beauty is the kind described in ballads across the land. However, if it displeases you I will refrain from doing it in public.
I'm gutted, truly gutted that you choose to ignore my love for you and have declined my invitation to the Astronomy Tower.
That wine is one from the vineyard my family owns in Southern France. Perhaps if you deign to join me in the classroom five doors down to from the Transfiguration one tomorrow night at 7 we could discuss getting you some more of it.
Please, do endeavor to call me Draco. It wouldn't do for you to call me Malfoy on our wedding day.
-You're beautiful when you're angry,
Draco Malfoy
P.S. Last time I checked I lived on planet Earth and it's just a figure of speech.
To an Annoying blonde whom I thoroughly hate,
There will never be a wedding so no, I will not endeavor to call you Draco. I hate you and that is never going to change, no matter how many presents you shower me with.
I will be there tonight. It would be in your best interest to have the wine. I would hate for my wand to have to damage your pretty boy face.
-Still hating you,
Hermione Granger
P.S. It's a stupid expression don't use it.
My Dearest Heart,
Your company was as lovely as I imagined it would be, even if you did continuously insult me. Perhaps you would not be adverse to joining me on our next Hogsmeade trip. I heard Professor Snape has published a new periodical in Ars Alchemia. He assures me that it is his best work yet.
I was wondering if you had a date to the upcoming Yule Ball. If not would you do me the honor of attending with me?
-Please?
Draco Malfoy
P.S. You're just saying that. You think the cliché is adorable.
To someone who really needs to give up,
You're not going to let up until I give you a chance are you?
-Hermione Granger
Hermione,
No.
-Draco Malfoy
To the person I am reluctantly giving a chance (if you screw this up you better stop sending me letters),
I will go with you to Hogsmeade. On the condition that I get to spend half of the day with my friends. I'll spend the rest of the day with you.
Why are you asking? The Yule Ball isn't for another month.
...
Perhaps, if no other offers come my way I will go with you
-Conceding for now,
Hermione Granger
P.S. No I don't.
To the woman who holds my heart in her hands,
Your conditions will be met if the Weasel can learn to keep his mouth shut. I do not enjoying being insulted when I am not doing anything in the first place.
I am asking because I want you to go with me and no one else. After fourth year everyone must've realized how breathtaking you are.
On a side note, please call your guard dogs off, I swear I can't go to the bathroom without them following me.
You told me that you hadn't read Professor Snape's previous periodical so I sent a copy with this letter.
-Loving you always,
Draco Malfoy
P.S. Yes you do.
To the boy who is a pain,
They've been bothering you? I'll have to talk to them about that. Thank you for lunch and the books on Saturday. You really didn't have to.
Oh and as for your invitation to the Yule Ball? The answer is yes. My dress will be red.
-Thank you,
Hermione Granger
P.S. This whole conversation is stupid.
To the woman whom I love more than life itself,
Thank you for dealing with that problem.
-You're welcome,
Draco Malfoy
P.S. Don't lie, you love it.
Granger,
Please refrain from ignoring me I haven't done anything to you. That was Pothead and Weasley, not me.
-Draco Malfoy
Granger,
I know you're getting my letters. I can see you from where I sit. Stop ignoring them.
-Draco Malfoy
Dammit Granger!
I can't fix what's wrong if you won't tell me.
-Malfoy
Hermione,
Please, please just tell me what I did wrong.
-Draco
To one Draco Malfoy,
I cannot, in good faith, remain in contact you. I will be attending the Yule Ball with you and then our association will have to end. Thank you.
-Hermione Granger
Why?
-Draco Malfoy
Because everyone I have ever known is threatening to denounce me if I keep talking to you, now stop sending me letters.
-Hermione Granger
Who cares what they think?
-Draco Malfoy
I do.
-Hermione
Why?
-Draco
Because they're my friends.
-Hermione
Well if they were really your friends they wouldn't try to keep you from being happy.
-Draco
No, no they wouldn't
-Hermione
Meet me at the astronomy tower tonight after curfew.
-Draco
Ask nicely and I'll consider it.
-Hermione
Please meet me at the astronomy tower tonight after curfew.
-Draco
I'll be there
-Hermione
I've sorted it all out. Do you still want to go with me?
-Hermione
Of course.
-Draco
I just realized something and I wanted to tell you now just in case I chicken out later.
I love you Draco Malfoy. I love you with all my heart and nothing is ever going to change that.
-Hermione
I know. I love you too.
-Draco
"Mum, Dad, that was horribly cheesy and slightly repulsive. For the love of Merlin please never tell us how you two got together ever again. That was just disturbing and puke-worthy." Althea Malfoy said as she looked up to her parents.
"I thought it was sweet." Hermione protested.
"It wasn't." Her daughter assured her before running to her room.
Meanwhile, in another house far, far away, Adrian Potter pulled out a piece of parchment and began his letter.
To my most beautiful Althea…