Note: This introduction was written before Best Year Ever. I apologise for any redundancies. Also, sorry for posting a day late.
Hey there, guys, Wensleydale here. Sorry it's been so long since I last posted anything, but now I'm back with the ninth season of South Park Aargh! Prepare yourselves for three new episodes about the boys, their parents, Wendy, Jimmy, Fiona (I'm really surprised she's become a bit of a breakout character) and pretty much everyone else I'll want the main characters to share the limelight with. I will also post episode 1717 before the season premiere for special reasons, so that's something to look forward, too!
I want to thank you all for the awesome reviews you wrote during my absence. I can't remember if I responded to everyone, but I assure you I read each and every one and I am overcome with gratitude.
[The usual disclaimer appears. After that, we see a stage. The spotlight follows Butters and Fiona who are dressed as TV hosts. The audience applauds]
BUTTERS: Aw, gee, it's sure swell to see y'all here tonight, fellas!
FIONA: Aye, Butters, especially since we wanted tae annoonce important information tae ye fans o' Sooth Park Aargh!
BUTTERS: Uh, you're right, Fiona! Ever since our game, Stick of Truth, came out this year-
FIONA: Actually, it's aicht years frae noo.
BUTTERS: E-eight years from now?
FIONA: Aye. We're in Season 9, ye see. Stick o' Truth doesnae come oot until Season 17.
BUTTERS: Well, uh, yeah, but this scene is out of continuity! Besides, at this point in time WDC just wrote this after playing the game.
FIONA: Oh, Ah see... Dae carry on.
BUTTERS: Uh, so, as the game shows us, me, E-eric, Kyle, Stan and Kenny live right next to one another. But, uh, WDC thought before that me, Eric and Kyle live on Bonanza Street and Stan and Kenny on Avenue de los Mexicanos! This becomes a m-minor plot point in "The Prince and the Porpoise"… So Fiona's plot never happened!
FIONA: [pins a town map up on the curtain and touches the spot behind Stan's house with a pointer] Aye, lad, yoo're reit. One other important thin' is the location o' me house. Insteid o' bein' next door, on th' left, it's reit haur! It's located sae 'at uir backyards ur reit next tae one anither. See? Ah live next tae th' playgroond now!
BUTTERS: Uh, yeah! Next, w-we have been informed that the, uh, Woodland-
CRAIG: [enters in the same suit as Butters] Nobody cares.
FIONA: Eh?
CRAIG: [monotone] No-one cares about the continuity in our show. Just sayin'.
BUTTERS: Wha-what are you talkin' about, Craig?
CRAIG: Come on. Seriously. This scene serves no purpose. It's just pointless padding. If any people wanted to read this fic, they probably stopped after seeing this crap about stuff they haven't read and aren't going to read. If we want to attract at least some readers, you should just shut up and get to the plot.
[Craig walks offscreen, the other characters' eyes following him]
FIONA: [after a pause, to Butters] …Wuz 'at in continuity?
[SPA's new opening, Our Mountain Town, starts. The background music is the Family Guy intro theme]
KYLE:
It seems today,
That all you see,
Is greenhouse effect
And the global warming...
CARTMAN:
The world is full of
Lazy hippies!
STAN, BUTTERS, FIONA AND KENNY:
Sometimes you just want to drown!
EVERYONE:
Lucky there's our mountain town!
Lucky there's our pissant,
Quiet, little-
KENNY:
(Kickass!)
EVERYONE:
Place in which we can all
STAN:
Laugh and frown...
EVERYONE:
It's! Our! Moun-tain! Tooooown!
[South Park Aargh #06 – Episode 915 – A Load of Lola]
[The bus stop. We see Stan, Kenny and Kyle waiting for the school bus. Cartman finally arrives]
CARTMAN: Sup, fags! I see your Jewish nose is getting bigger every day, Kahl!
KYLE: Why don't you shut your piehole with a chunk of ham like you always do, fatass?!
CARTMAN: I expect you'd like some, kosher boy. Huh, but I guess you can't! Whatevah, I'll just eat my ham with Kinny. [Slaps his head theatrically with a smirk] Oh, I almost forgot… I do apologize, I shouldn't remind you your family is so poor you can't even afford ham! Hahahahah!
KENNY: (Fuck you, Eric!)
STAN: Yeah, stop it, dude.
CARTMAN: Oh, how about you, Stan? What are you going to do after skewl? Spend some quality time with your stupid hippie girlfriend? Or did Kahl take her place now?
KYLE: All right, that's it! I've been watching you for years, but I still don't get it! What on earth is the point of all this?! You can't think that being a dick is gonna bring you respect or friendship when you're the least popular kid in school! Why are you such an asshole, Cartman?! WHY?!
[A moment of silence]
CARTMAN: Okay. I'll tell ya… IN SONG!
STAN: Oh, God, no…
[The melody from MLP:FiM's "The Smile Song" starts playing while Cartman begins to stroll down the street, the other boys behind him. When he starts singing, they pass other students and townspeople along the way]
CARTMAN:
My name is Eric Cartman! – Kickass!
And I am here to say! – You suck!
I'm gonna make you cry
By saying you are dumb and ga-a-a-ay!
It doesn't matter now – Sweet!
If you're a ginger Jew! – Fuck you!
Because mind-raping all my friends's
What Cartman's hyah to do!
[Cartman jumps on the side of the school bus, holding his hand up. The others enter the bus after him]
Cause I want to see you cry, cry, cry!
Yes, I do!
It makes me smile to taste your precious tears!
Kyle's a Jew!
Cause I want to see you pout, pout, pout!
It's what my life's all about!
[Cartman jumps off the bus and we cut to the school playground where he interrupts other kids, jumping between them]
I'd like to see you burn! – Eat your parents!
I'd love to see you die! – Fuckin' Jews!
Oh, I can get away with it,
I'll do it if I try! – Wha'evah!
[We see Kevin, Bradley, Red and Esther with light sabers happily before Eric ruins their fun by taking the toy away from Kevin and pinching his cheek, making him frown]
And if you are as happy
As if you were in space,
I'll work real hard and do my best
To wipe that smile right off your face!
[We cut to the school corridor where Eric runs around with his usual lackeys and then pins up a poster of Marik on the wall]
Cause I want to see you squeak, squeak, squeak!
Like a pig!
I can speak like Marik Ishtar anytime!
What the frigg!
That faggot is from Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged!
You should really watch this show!
[We cut to Cartman oddly in a recording studio, trying to act sad, then back to marching with Butters, Clyde and other kids who start to join his flashmob]
It's true some days are bright and jolly…
And maybe you feel glad,
But Cartman will be there to make you all frustrated and mad!
There's one thing that makes me happy
And makes my whole life worthwile!
And that's to make fun of Kinny, Stan and Kaaaaaaaaaaaahl!
[Cut to close-up shots of Cartman singing to some particular kids and then a shot of him breaking Mackey's window with a brick]
You may say I'm a sadist!
You may say I'm a dick!
But tears just make me happy,
So I'll hit you with a brick!
[Back to marching in school, the mob is getting bigger and bigger, shown from multiple shots]
Cause I'd like to see you glare, glare, glare!
That's so kewl!
I just feed off your anger and despair!
Yes, it's true!
It makes me happy when you glare, glare, glare!
It just shows me that you caaaare!
Come on, all you hippies, cry, cry, cry!
After all this singing I am hungry!
I would really like some fries, fries, fries!
Maybe I will go to Wendy's!
CHOIR AND CARTMAN:
Come on, all you hippies, cry, cry, cry!
After all this singing I am hungry!
I would really like some fries, fries, fries!
Maybe I will go to Wendy's!
[Cut to Cartman and the mob singing different lines at the same time. Eric is in the middle, spinning. The camera also rotates alongside him, showing all the people he gathered]
CARTMAN: [overlapping]
Maybe I'll have a Happy Meal!
Yeah, I should go to McDonald's!
Or else I'll go to KFC!
And then you'll-
STUDENTS: [at the same time]
Why is he now singing about food?
This is really getting kinda weird.
Were I in his place I don't think I would,
Nothing else to sing a-
ALL:
Cry... Cry… Cry… Cry…
[Cut to a shot from the ceiling, slowly zooming out. During the last line it cuts to a close-up of Cartman turning around and pointing at the audience with a smirk]
CARTMAN:
CRY!
Your dick is small!
Now suck my balls!
[Suddenly, Cartman gets decked in the face by a locker door and he falls over. We see him yelling in agony and a 4th grade girl closing her locker nonchalantly with an ignorant smile or her face. She has long, brown hair held up by a dark green headband and wears a plain, long-sleeved green shirt and a pair of dark gray trousers. She finally seems to notice Eric lying on the floor when she turns her head]
CARTMAN: Ow! Oooow! Moooom! MEEEEEEEEEEHM!
GIRL: Oh. Hi there!
CARTMAN: Hi yourself, bitch! The fuck is this?!
GIRL: [unfazed] Why are you lying on the floor, silly? The bell's about to ring, it's no time for sleeping!
CARTMAN: [slowly sitting up] I KNOW THAT! What the fuck is wrong with you?!
GIRL: I was about to ask you the same question. Your face doesn't look so well. Did you have an accident or something?
CARTMAN: YOU FUCKING HIT ME!
GIRL: …Nah, that can't be right. I don't hit people. I do hit balloons, though. Especially those filled with water. They are so squishy, you know?
CARTMAN: [baffled and furious] …WHAT?!
GIRL: I'm not fond of eggplants, either, but I don't hit them. I have my standards.
CARTMAN: STOP TALKING NONSENSE AND LISTEN TO ME! I don't know who the fuck you are and where you came from, but you should know that in this skewl you don't fuck with Eric Cartman!
[We hear the bell ring]
GIRL: Oh, here's the bell! We should go in or Mrs. Garrison'll be mad. [walks away]
CARTMAN: STOP IGNORING ME! [starts wheezing furiously] …Wait… She's in our class? [Butters walks by Cartman] Butters! Butters! Who's that chick with the headband? The one from our class?
BUTTERS: Oh, uh, Eric, you f-fell in love? I'm so happy for you! Maybe now you won't be so-
CARTMAN: Butters, don't be dumb, chicks are gross! I'm just curious!
BUTTERS: Well, uh, I'm pretty sure her name's Lola. She joint our class a, uh, couple of months ago.
CARTMAN: Why the fuck don't I know about this?
BUTTERS: Well, uh, our school's pretty dang big, Eric. And our classmates seem to be comin' and goin'. Just look at Tommy Turner!
CARTMAN: What about Tommy Turner?
BUTTERS: Exactly! No wonder you don't know everyone.
CARTMAN: [to himself] This is fucking retarded! That bitch is gonna pay for what she did to me! …But I shouldn't get hasty… Revenge is a dish best served cold… I'll teach her whose authoritah she should respect! [heads to the classroom, Butters following him]
BUTTERS: Gee, Eric, by the way, what's wrong with your face?
CARTMAN: Shut up, Butters!
BUTTERS: Well, uh, at least it's in a better shape than Tommy Turner's…
CARTMAN: I SAID SHUT UP!
Aaaand that's the first chapter. This fic wasn't what I originally intended for the season premiere, or this season at all, but it made the final cut for three reasons. One was that I wanted to expand more on the girls' characterization, make them funny not only as a group but in their own right, because as they are now, everyone except Wendy and Annie is a copy of Bebe, blah, blah, blah, I said it a million times before and I'll probably say it again.
The other reason is that I wrote some random scenes I had ideas for some time ago and it just fit in well with the concept. It's funny how sometimes random ideas write themselves better than stuff I planned out in detail two years ago…
The final reason is that I really wanted to parody this song. There's something about taking a sweet, inspirational song, flipping its whole nature around and turning it into a mean-spirited joke that makes me proud of myself. And ashamed at the same time. I should probably shut up.
…I wish I could imitate Cartman's voice well enough, I would totally sing it to MandoPony's karaoke version. We still have some space left, so let's move on to the review portion.
REVIEW PORTION – "GO FUND YOURSELF":
For those of you who are new to SPA, this is where I talk about the episodes of the current season when I haven't reached full seven pages (the standard length of my chapters). So, the first episode of the season. A sort of a fluke like "HumancentiPad" or a nice, humorous episode like "Let Go, Let Gov" (these are only personal opinions)?
Well, I liked it. For me, it wasn't perfect or laugh-out-loud funny, but it was still decent for the season premiere, which for the past few seasons is traditionally considered to be mediocre. The break between Season 17 and 18 was booming with satiriseable material and we weren't sure what Trey and Matt would tackle first, or if it could even fit in the new ten episodes. So here we have it – the NFL controversies and Kickstarter.
Let's start with the negatives, because as I said, the episode was not perfect for me. The joke about start-up companies doing absolutely nothing unfortunately got old really fast. While I think Kickstarter and the like can definitely help Internet contributors make a living out of their creations (especially with Youtube quickly taking down Let's Plays, reviews, etc.), there are definitely some lazy asses that use it to do nothing and make money out of it. T&M have to generalise for comedic effect and I have no problem with that. Just avoid unnecessary repetition, is all I'm sayin'. Another thing... Goddammit, Matt, can you really only do this one adult voice and that's Gerald's? Seriously, Snyder sounds exactly like him!
In spite of the "doing nothing" joke being constantly hammered in, there was quite an amount of subtlety in the other satire bits. They never went overboard with Redskins being compared to an actual Native American tribe, or at least they found enough variations of the joke to make it still funny and not overstay its welcome. This was actually kind of clever, especially later when Snyder calling all the other team owners felt like an Amerindian chief gathering. Also, Goodell's appearance as a malfunctioning robot? Even when I didn't know the context, I felt this was a good joke. Also, they probably made the right choice with making only a one-off joke out of the wife-beating incident, that probably wouldn't hold up for a whole episode. I just wish they did the same with Kickstarter.
As for the characterization this week, I liked that Randy for once turned out to be the voice of reason here. Kyle has some moral issues, as usual, but he completely misses the point, focusing on the name of the company instead of actually doing something (he tries to invoke this once and I don't think it fit really well...) and that was a nice change of pace. The behaviour of the boys here kind of reminded me of "Faith Hilling" with them making a drama out of a ridiculous situation. The funniest line for me was "Somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters" and Butters' reaction to it ("Oh, no!"). I thought that was a nice character joke, something we didn't see much in here.
In the end, a good episode. But the most important thing we all learnt from this particular one is that start-up companies like Kickstarter are awful and all its users are just trying to cash in doing nothing! I, for one, hope that I will never be associated with such a scandalous site!
...
Which is why I opened a account! Do you enjoy reading my series? Do you think I ought to continue writing South Park Aargh and 50 Lampshades of Craig? Do you want to hear about an original animated series me and my friends are trying to create? Would you like to support it? Or would you like to see another SPA-related project launched in the future? Well, visit www"dot""dot"com/ccp ("dot" stands for actual periods, you can also find the link on my profile) and become my patron – help me and the Cheddar Crackers Productions create comedy by donating any sum of money you like!
Thanks a ton for reading and please leave reviews, I always love when you critique my work. Thanks for your support.
Cheers,
WDC
PS: You know what I hate most in the world? Hypocrites. God, they are awful!
PPS: On second thoughts, lampshades are even worse.