A/N: We collaborated at four AM with Mountain Dew, root beer and a bag of chips while pulling an all-nighter 'sleep'over. =)
CRACK PAIRING! HikaTama
A crack-filled day at the Host Club:
It all started out at the Host Club, when someone accidentally spilled a special ingredient in the brownies. Without realizing the mess-up, everyone in the Host Club ate one, except Hunny.
"Ahhhhhhh!" screamed Hunny as he was bouncing off the walls. He jumped onto the table with the special brownies. Hunny grabbed three brownies and shoved them in his mouth all at once. Then he hopped onto the ground and ran to Mori ready to leap, but slipped and fell on a random banana peel.
Mori walked over all tipsy-like and ended up falling in a random black-hole. Then fell out of a hole in the ceiling (Yeah, it's freaky!).
Tamaki was stumbling around and fell into Hikaru, who staggered back and fell under the weight of the 'King'.
"Why the hell would you do that, you clumsy buffoon!" yelled Hikaru from below Tamaki. He pushed Tamaki off himself while still pestering the girlie blonde.
Said girlie blonde answered angrily, "It's not my fault the floor is all tilty-swirly!"
"Well look what you did to my new uniform! I had it imported from Atlantis! Do you know how expensive it is to have fabric made under water then sent to a house in the South Pole?"
"How the shit should I know! Who even gets shirts from a place under the sea! (Ha ha, under the sea, it's from The Little Mermaid!) Wait a second, did you say a house in the South Pole, where Santa lives?"
"No, you moron. Santa lives in the North Pole, and he doesn't exist."
"Whaaaatt! I've been lied to my whole life! Everything I know is a lie!"
"No, just most of your childhood. How bout we forgive and forget, does that sound good my darling?" Hikaru put his finger under Tamaki's chin and made him look up into his eyes. "Why don't we escape this scene and head to the drama room?"
Tamaki just nodded and followed Hikaru down the hallways to the other side of the school.
Once they reached the room, Hikaru grabbed Tamaki by his shirt with both hands and started ripping it off. "What are you doing?"
"You know I didn't just take you here for meaningless conversation. If I did that, this wouldn't be fun." Hikaru took hold of Tamaki's face and started working his way to the blondes neck.
"Hikaru! I don't want to do this!" Tamaki's heart was racing and he started getting hotter.
"Don't worry, I don't bite, much." Hikaru pulled Tamaki down onto a random bed and got on top of him. He tangled his hands through Tamaki's hair and madly pushed his lips against Tamaki's.
The blonde figured if he was gonna be in this mess, he might as well enjoy it. So he took the buttons on Hikaru's shirt and undid them. Then he reached for Hikaru's back and got on top of him.
Then he went to Hikaru's neck and bite into it. Blood spilled out quickly and Tamaki sucked at the spot slowly, too slowly.
"Why the Fuck am I bleeding! Who are you!" Hikaru screeched in fear.
"Oh, you didn't like that? Too rough for your taste, I see." Tamaki got up and wiped his mouth.
"Yeah, just a bit because of the tiny fact that I'm bleeding!" Hikaru screamed.
"It was only a little nibble in the side of the neck. What damage could that do?" Tamaki obviously didn't see the pool of blood now forming at their feet.
"Oh shit." Hikaru grabbed his neck, but it was hopeless. He was going to died of blood loss, a pathetic death in his book.
A while later in the nurse's office:
"Hikaru? Hikaru? Come on buddy, speak to me!" Kaoru said worriedly.
"Where am I?" Hikaru asked, still confused.
"You're in the nurse's office."
"Wait, where's Tamaki?"
"He's at the Host Club explaining why we're gone. You're lucky Tamaki found you, or
you'd be in the afterlife now."
"What do mean found me?"
"You got hit with a board that had two nails still sticking out of it. It got you in the neck
pretty badly."
"That's what happened? I could've sworn- "
"Could have sworn what?"
"Oh, I guess it was a dream, err, nightmare. I'm okay. But do I have to keep this cone
around my neck?"
"Uh, I would take it off, but knowing you, you'd mess with your cut and make it scar.
Then how'd we play the 'which one's Hikaru game'?"
"Well, I could get a board with two nails in it…"
"NO."
"Fine, fine, have it your way," Hikaru rolled his eyes at his twin's reaction. Tamaki walked
into the room, and Hikaru sprinted after him with the first thing he could grab. In this
case, a lamp. Wait, why am I chasing him? Hikaru asked himself.
So he halted to a stop and called after Tamaki, "Hey, you can stop running now!"
"Why should I?" Tamaki yelled, still running and not looking back. "How do I know
you're not gonna hit me in the head with that lamp?"
"I won't hit in the head, I'll hit in the neck! Do you remember that!" I still don't know that
it wasn't a dream. I'll just have to get the truth out of him to make sure I'm not crazy.
But if it really was a dream, then I'm admitting myself into a mental hospital!
"Okay, I'm done running." Tamaki stopped and started to catch his breath.
"I need to ask you something."
"Um, I'll answer if you dress up like a bunny and hop around the Host Club room. Oh,
and I'd prefer it if you didn't have that cone on your head."
"I can't help this cone, but I'll take it off. And the bunny suit isn't gonna happen!"
"But why not? You'd look sooooo cute!"
"Fine, if it'll get you to listen up and answer me then I'll do it."
"You really want an answer don't you?"
"Yeah."
"Then, you have to serve me grapes while I lay on a couch, and you can't complain. Or
eat my grapes."
"Fine!" Hikaru did not sound too thrilled.
About half a bowl of grapes left:
"Tamaki, can you just answer the damn question already?"
"I would, but you haven't asked it yet."
"I can't ask it out here; it isn't something other people should hear. Why don't I text it to
you?"
"Okay, but I don't think it makes a difference."
"It does, it really does."
"Alright, then. Text me the question."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
"Okay!" Hikaru pulled out his iPhone and texted: "Did the wound on my neck come from you biting me earlier, or did I just have a psycho nightmare?"
Tamaki texted him back: "What do you think?" and grinned wolfishly at him, flashing a
fang or four.
Hikaru tried to run out of the room, but was stopped by a hand grabbing him by the collar
and dragging him back over.
"Let go of me, Tamaki!" Hikaru shouted.
"No, I don't think I will," Tamaki replied, keeping his grip. He dragged Hikaru into the
back room. He tied some rope around Hikaru's hands to keep them still. Then he took a cloth and tied it around Hikaru's mouth. "Now listen up. If you reveal my little secret, I'll
spill every drop of Kaoru's blood right in front of your eyes. Do we have an understanding
now?" Tamaki said cheerily with a smile oddly resembling Kyoya's when he's
blackmailing people.
Hikaru nodded slowly and grudgingly while keeping his eyes on Tamaki.
How can he be out in the sunlight like this? And why hasn't he shown any signs before? I
don't get this at all. Wait, will I become a vampire, too?
Back in the Host Club:
"Hey, Tama-chan, where did you go?" Hunny asked with wide shota eyes.
"I was just getting some more sweets."
"But where are they?"
"Um, I didn't see any that would be suitable for our guests and you."
"Oh, that makes sense, I'm glad you're here to make sure I don't eat anything that tastes
bad. Thank you, Tama-chan!"
"No problem."
"Hey, Tamaki. Have you seen Hikaru?" Kaoru asked worriedly.
"Um, I think he's in the bathroom."
"Oh, thanks."
Tamaki then walked back to the backroom and took the cloth in Hikaru's mouth out and untied his hands. "Remember, tell no one," Tamaki hissed at him.
Kaoru spoke up from the doorway, and stepped into the room. "Tell no one what? Does it
include the reason you have my brother tied up and gagged?"
"Um… this isn't what it looks like?"
"What do you think it looks like?" Kaoru asked absently.
"Well, first of all, it looks like your brother here is finally starting to grow some fangs,"
Tamaki said innocently.
"What?"
"About time, too," Tamaki mused. "I bit him a while ago."
"What the hell do you mean?"
"I mean this!" Tamaki got up and ran towards Kaoru and slammed him to the ground. He
started to take a bite of him, but Hikaru pushed Tamaki off.
But, it was too late, Kaoru was already spilling blood like crazy.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!" Hikaru screamed in despair."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!" Hikaru was on the floor next to his bed half way
wrapped up in his sheets. "What kind of a dream was that?"
"What was what?" Kaoru asked tiredly.
"I just had a bad dream. (Or a nightmare!) I've gotta stop hanging out with Tamaki so much."
The End!
Finis!