There's a hunger it's slowly growing
Chasing shadows but never knowing
If all that I have done
Is keeping me from you
Than can the arms of mercy bring the rescue
To return to you
Kurt never thought he would become a cheater. That's just not who he is, he doesn't cheat. But still, he is lying in the arms of a man who is not his boyfriend.
He didn't mean to sleep with another man, it just kind of happened. He was drunk and then... well, you can fill in the dots, can you? The first time was an accident, and he agreed with the man he slept with that it wouldn't happen again. Kurt promised himself that he would never cheat again. But doing it once doesn't count, right? Well, it still happened again, and again... What started like a one night stand, ended up with being something that happened every other month. He is ashamed of what he does and he do feel guilty but, he never once regretted it. After all, he had done it with the same man every time, and it only gets better.
"What are you thinking about?"
Kurt snatches out of his thoughts and looks down at the man who is lying protectively on his bare chest.
"Huh?" Kurt says
"You're so quiet. What are you thinking about?" the man responds and starts playing with the blanket that is spread over their naked bodies.
"Oh, nothing. Just stuff, and you" Kurt smiles at the man and gets a bright smile back.
"And me.." the man whispers and laughs happily.
"You're such a dork" Kurt laughs and kiss the man on the top of his head.
Suddenly the man's mood change and he moves away from Kurt into a sitting position. Kurt knows what's about to happen, it always happens, and he knows that there is no way out of it than to talk and listen. He prepares for what's about to happen by remembering all of the arguments he always use and are about to use very soon.
"You thought about him, didn't you?" the man says. It's anger in his voice but also sadness, guilt and pain.
"Blaine.."
"How can you still be with him Kurt? How can you still be with Dean? He is a jerk to you and there is a reason why you're here with me and not with your boyfriend." Kurt almost starts laughing because he loves how Blaine always uses the word boyfriend like it's something bad and disgusting. Except from when he uses the word in sentences where it's about Blaine being Kurt's boyfriend. "He is never at home to be with you, he never brings you flowers like I do-"
"You have to stop doing that by the way, the staff at work are starting to suspect something"
"Kurt, do I mean anything to you? Or am I just some toy that you are using? Because I don't want to be the toy Kurt, I want to be the boyfriend, the man that can give you flowers at work without scaring you. I wan't to be that guy but you won't let me"
"You know that you mean everything to me Blaine. I tell you that all the time" Talking to Blaine's back doesn't seem to work, so Kurt moves so that he sits in front of the dark haired boy instead.
"Blaine" Kurt takes his hands in his "I want you to be my boyfriend, but it's not that easy. I really do like Dean and he's not a jerk like you say, he is actually really nice-" Blaine looks the other direction, trying to hide the tears that are dangerously close to fall.
"Blaine.." Kurt says "Every time you walk into the room it feels like I'm in heaven. It feels like everything is going to be fine and all I want in that moment is you" Blaine still refuses to look at the boy and Kurt is starting to get frustrated. "Damn it Blaine, I still get butterflies in my stomach when you smile at me! I still, after all of these years, want you so bad I can hardly breath. You mean so much to me-" finally a small smile appears at the dark haired boy's face, so small it could easily go missed. "-but you have to understand that I like Dean too. We have an apartment together, we have a life together. I can't just walk away from him. You know I can't"
The talk goes on and on about how great Dean is and how much Kurt enjoys being with Blaine. He has explained this too many times to be able to count, and it is always the same. It always ends the same, Blaine quickly getting dressed and asking Kurt to leave. Kurt leaving the boy he loves too much to tell him, behind. With tear filled eyes he walks down the streets, thinking about whether he is right or wrong. It really starts to get tiring.
This was one of these days, one of the days when the shame was burning like an open fire in Kurt's chest. It's always worst in the mornings, when Dean has his arms wrapped around Kurt and all he can feel is the bare skin of his boyfriend's chest. That's when all Kurt can think about is what if it was Blaine instead. How much happier he would be, how much he rather want Blaine spooning him, Blaine's breath slowly hitting his neck in small and pleasant puffs. That's when Kurt hates himself the most. But today, the shame is even bigger than those mornings. Dean had been his normal happy-self. He had kissed Kurt good-bye when he left for work. Working as a lawyer means early mornings and late nights but Kurt doesn't care anymore. He likes being alone, which mostly means having Blaine over if he is free, or crying alone on the floor. Sometimes he calls Rachel for help, but she always says the same thing,
"Kurt, you can't do this anymore. You are not only hurting Blaine, you are actually hurting Dean and mostly yourself. You have to pick one!"
Picking one is not something Kurt is ready for yet. He doesn't want to pick one, he wants them both. If he had to pick one it would be easy, even though he's trying to convince himself that that's not the case. Of course he would pic Blaine, but admitting that to himself scares him every time. Why does he stay with Dean when it's obvious it's not him he wants?
Their story is simple. Kurt went to McKinley Hight School. He was bullied, brutally. He loved Glee club and every member in it and they loved him, but no one was there for him when he truly needed them. It has always scared Kurt. Rachel and Kurt are close friends, she is actually one of his best friends except for Blaine. But she never was there for him when he needed her, not like Blaine. Finn was actually the only one in school that helped him, supported him and fought for him during this time. After he'd passed away a couple of years ago Kurt never truly recovered. Finn was Kurt's bodyguard, brother and safety, without him everything turned so gray... so colorless. No one really recovered after his death. During Kurt's second year in high school he changed to Dalton Academy and found Blaine, the boy that later turned out to be his boyfriend for many years. After moving to New York and living there for about two years something complicated happened. They had just been engaged for about 3 years when Blaine got the call.
" I will come as fast as possible- yeah I know but- I can't leave- Please mum I can't- okay, okay I will. Yes- Okay bye"
"What was that?" Kurt says with concern.
"I- uhm, it was mum"
"Yeah, so I heard. What's wrong?"
Blaine inhales deeply and takes a steady hold on the kitchen counter to keep standing up.
"My dad he- he's not fine. He- He won't make it"
And with those words their relationship ended. Blaine had to go back to Ohio and what was supposed to only be a couple of months ended with years. They couldn't take it anymore and they broke up. A couple of months after their break-up Kurt met Dean, a hot single gay lawyer that he met on a pub one of these days he missed Blaine so much it hurt. They fooled around in the beginning, but after only a couple of dates they had already moved in together, too fast for Burt's taste.. Anyhow Blaine moved back to New York and they started to hang out again, even though their feelings obviously are still there, they pretend there's nothing but friendship between them, and that's where they are now.
Anyhow, Kurt gets up from bed and starts making breakfast. Having his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him makes him feel trapped, like he's in some cage with no way out. Kurt has never been claustrophobic, but in Dean's arms, he can easily feel it that way... When Kurt puts on his black boxers is Dean still asleep, "thank god" Kurt thinks and tip toes out of the room.
He starts making breakfast, flips one of the pancakes and then another. Suddenly his phone starts buzzing. He had gotten a text message from Blaine which is pretty odd because working as a english teacher means early mornings and classes all day. Does he have a break 9 o'clock in the morning? Kurt opens the text message;
"Can I come over tonight? We need to talk" Kurt cover his eyes with his hands.
"Why does he always have to talk?" he whisper to himself, not bothering to flip the almost burned pancake. Before Kurt gets the chance to respond to the message, Dean walks into the room, his hair in a wild blonde mess, his tired blue eyes almost not showing behind his half-closed eyelids.
"Hi babe" he says and kisses Kurt quickly and muttered "morning breath" and walks slowly to the fridge to pour a glass of milk to himself. "Are the pancakes supposed to be burned or something?" he says after a while when Kurt still hasn't moved an inch.
"Wha- What?"
"The pancakes...?" Kurt looks at Dean weirdly. "They're burned.. Are they supposed to be burned?"
"Oh" Kurt says and takes the pancakes off the stove. "Shit"
"Hey babe, what's going on?"
"Uhm, nothing.. I was just- I have a lot on my mind.."
"Uh-uh..." Dean watches Kurt closely. "Are you sure that you're okay? I mean, you look terrified"
"I'm fine.." Kurt says shortly and trows the burned pancake in the trash. "You want syrup?"
"Yeah... Well I actually gotta go to work. See you tonight?" Dean stands up and walks into their bedroom. Kurt can hear him getting dressed and he takes a deep breath
"Yeah of course. Are you going to be home by 9?" Dean comes into the kitchen, full dressed, a black suit matched with a navyblue shirt and a dark gray tie.
"I hope so, I'm not sure though. Mr. Clarkson wanted me to start working on a case with him, you know how he is. Always wants the best" Dean says laughing and steps closer to his boyfriend. He looks at him with concern in his eyes and says: "You know you can tell me anything right?" Kurt looks down on the floor. "I love you so much Kurt, and I hope whatever is going on with you will pass." Dean kiss Kurt lightly on his lips and starts walking out of the room.
"See you tonight!" He says leaving Kurt in a pile of guilt and pain.
For you Only - Trading Yesterday