A/N: hey there. First off, this is gonna be kinda the Big Fic of the Coping Series (check out my profile for a full list of Coping stories), and therefore it is multi-chaptered. I'm aiming for seven or eight chapters total. Second, many of these will tie into Hearsay, so you might want to read that either before or after (the order doesn't matter). Third, this is more of a prologue than a first chapter, i.e. it's short. Fourth, I'll try to get these out quickly, but no promises. I'm not used to writing multi-part stuff.

Trigger Warning throughout the whole story for depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, suicide, general angst.

disclaimer: i own nothingnothingnothing aight

Okay, on with it.

Dick always wanted siblings. Preferably one older to play games with him and protect him from bad dreams, and one younger to snuggle with and give advice to. His parents would always giggle, and tell him their tiny trailer was too small for another baby, and besides, why would they ever want to take any attention away from their little robin?

That usually got Dick laughing and agreeing with them. He did like attention. That was a circus brat thing, but his mother gently swatted his head when he said so. The spotlight was nicer when it was shared, she said. Dick agreed with that too.

He can't resist wishing he was sharing the spotlight with them tonight.

He doesn't want to die - not exactly, or at least he doesn't think so. His father told him that people want to die when their brain is sick. His brain isn't sick. It's more...more his heart. His heart is sick. And if he had any siblings with him to love and hold and share the pain, he feels like it wouldn't be so sick. If he died with his parents, he wouldn't even have a heart to be sick.

He wouldn't be so unbearably alone.

And that's what's bugging him. It feels selfish. His parents- his parents died. They don't get to live and grow old. They were murdered. Robbed of a whole life. But Dick is sad for himself. He wants to be sad for them instead, but the loneliness hurts so much worse than anything he's ever felt, worse even than when he broke his leg that time, or when he fell off an elephant. He's so cold - the blanket a police officer threw across his shoulders does nothing to help - and all he wants is someone to hold onto. Even a hand. He just wants to be held.

It hits him then, that his parents will never cuddle him again, never hold his hands on the trapeze, his father will never put him up on his shoulders and his mother will never rock him in her lap. He's alone. He's all alone. They left him alone and he's so angry, and hurt, and oh gosh, how will he live on like this? What will happen to him? He knows he can't stay with Haly, the grownups were talking to each other about it. They're going to take him away from his circus, his home, from his family and the trapeze and Zitka the elephant and from everything he's ever known.

And all he has is a little suitcase to take with him.

He can't picture a future. He hears the adults saying something about no room at the orphanage. Somehow, he's always had the vague idea that orphanages were something made-up in books and movies. Wrought-iron and stone brick places with creepy music and scary old caretakers. But they must be real...and he's not going to one. He's going somewhere they lowered their voices to talk about. He tries to listen, but he's aware of some noise drowning them out. Gasps. Sobs. He's crying.

He can't stop.

And maybe his brain is sick, because he wants to be with his parents. He's not sure if heaven is real, but right now he needs it to be, needs to know that he could see them again someday. It's comforting, but not enough. He wants to be with them now. He doesn't want to live without them. He doesn't want to be an orphan. His life suddenly seems so long - he's only eight years old and the many years he probably has left is such a long time to spend lonely, homeless, family-less.

Maybe someone will adopt him. A new family...even if he could grow to love a new family the way he loves the people at his circus, he doesn't think he wants to. They could die...everyone could die, could leave him in a split second.

He does not want to be left alone ever again.