Barney Stintson and the Last Brocade

by Bumblebeemagnus

This is an old story of great embarrassment to me, but I'll leave it up because of my fondness for surrealism. The night before the Swarkles wedding, Ted and Barney have the last moment as bachelors on an adventure of legen-waitforit-dary proportions! Not surprisingly, this is AU. Trust me, you'll get why it's AU. It's fairly obvious.

1. Chapter 1

How I Met Your Mother created by Craig Thomas and Carter Bays and owned by CBS

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Now, kids, the night before your Uncle Barney and your Aunt Robin's wedding was probably one of my favorite memories of my friendship with your Uncle Barney. As usual, things started out at MacLaren's...

"Legen-waitforit-dary," said Uncle Barney, in his usual manner, "that's what tonight is gonna be!"

"No offense, Barney, but you say that as much as George Lucas changes the Original Trilogy," said Uncle Marshall.

"He's right, Barney. If someone made a drinking game out of your life, that phrase alone would kill them," I stated.

Kids, never tell your Uncle Barney about drinking games because...well...

"It will be legendarier than all other nights and if someone made a drinking game about me..."

...he rambles. The next 20 to 30 minutes where a blur because I think I fell asleep. But... Your Uncle Marshall said Uncle Barney stood on a chair, pulled out his iPhone, and gave a speech while the 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' blaired. Thankfully, your Aunt Lily and your Aunt Robin interupted before it went any longer.

"Ted, are you ok?" asked Lily.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm ok. Barney's speech sent me to sleep."

"Good. That we can handle... Barney?"

"Yes, Lily..." Barney said in that child-who-just-got-busted-for-doing-something-they-shouldn't way.

"You know what I've told you about rambling at Ted..."

"Yes, Lily..."

"Then appologize to Ted and summerize."

"Sorry, Ted."

"It's ok. Continue."

"Well, since it's my last night as a bachelor, I was gonna do something nice for you guys."

Everyone stared at your Uncle Barney and he realized what that meant.

"It doesn't involve strippers."

Kids, It really doesn't.

"I'm in," I said.

"Sorry, Barn," Marshall said, "Lily and I are going to a movie tonight 'cause my mom can only stay until after the Swarkles wedding."

"I'm sorry but...'Swarkles'?" said a very suprised Robin.

"Yeah... it's our pet name for your relationship," said Lily, "I thought we told you."

"That had better not ended up on the invites."

"It didn't," said Marshall.

"Are you lying to me!"

"Yes... It's the border..." Marshall flinched and remarked, "Don't kill me!"

"MARSHALL!" said both Robin and Lily at the same time.

"What! The Canadian scares me."

Now, kids, this next part is amazing. This is one of the only times Barney interfering in something helped things go smoothly.