Ianto defined his life by category. His mind was as organized as the archives, each emotion, each bit of knowledge, each and every little thing, had its right and proper place. It was his way of maintaining control. He hated when he slipped, when he let his feelings get the better of him, when he broke. It had happened after Lisa, when he'd said a lot of things he wanted to take back. When he'd called Jack a monster. Ianto had vowed never to let it happen again.
It was hard sometimes to maintain composure, when he just wanted to grab Jack and scream "Look at me! I'm here, I'm more than what you think I am, and I love you!" But, the idea of Jacks response made sure he did. Jack would joke, and then rationalize. Jack wouldn't respond with "I love you too." It hurt so much sometimes to know that. It was enough to know it. Ianto didn't need to hear it in reality.
It wasn't even that Ianto wanted Jack to be faithful, his and only his. He just wanted to own Jack's heart, but Jack portioned that out too. Sometimes, Ianto thought everyone got a piece. It made him bitter and resentful, but he rarely let it show. He just put it in the bin in his mind it belonged in. The bin marked 'Jack', that was so full of conflicting emotions it gave him a headache.
Sometimes, he felt close to Jack. Jack told him things he told know one else, and he made Ianto feel safe. He made Ianto feel loved, even though he knew it wasn't true. Sometimes, Ianto felt like Jack was his only true friend in the world. Then again sometimes, Ianto could feel the space between them, a chasm he couldn't see across, and he knew it was getting wider. He knew both were true. Jack and he were as close as lovers, as distant as enemies, at the very same time.
Ianto had the courage, once, to ask Jack what they were, why they were, and what they would become. Jack had wrapped his arms around him, pulled him tight and whispered "I love you as much as I can, in the way I can. I love you. Maybe not how you want me to, but all the same, it's all I've got." And, Ianto had accepted it because it wasn't right, but it was good. It was Jack, and that's what mattered.
Ianto would step into hell for Jack, would die for him, and would kill for him. He knew Jack felt the same. Even though Ianto could feel the distance growing, even when they were skin to skin, he knew that he would take what he could get and be grateful. It wasn't right, but it was good and it was enough.
A/N: Still don't own 'Torchwood", still wish I did…