The Love Letter - Blaqk Audio.
This story is rated for language (which you should be accustomed to if you got through this anime) and self injury.
"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BETRAY US!" Misaki's voice rang through the alley, his body ignited with his Aura. Misaki had always lacked the ability to control his emotions in this way.
"It was inevitable, Misaki. I'm nothing like you and the others," Saruhiko said, taking great pleasure in his friend's distress.
"Damn fucking right you're not like us! We would never do something like this!" As Misaki released his grasp on Saruhiko's collar, his eyes caught sigh of the HOMRA insignia. His anger evaporated from his face, and he stared desperately. "You have the symbol of our pride engraved on your chest, and you're just going to throw it all away?"
Saruhiko's smile widened. "Pride, you say?" He fanned out his fingers on his right hand and ignited them with his Aura. "This is what I think of your pride," he said sadistically, scraping his fingers across the mark, searing his own flesh and burning out the image. The pain was nothing compared to the look on his former comrade's face.
Misaki stepped back from him in utter shock. His expression resembled that of a child watching its favourite toy being torn to pieces. Saruhiko reveled in the moment.
That's right Misaki, now you're looking at me.
His friend's expression changed slowly from helpless to furious. "You bastard! I'll fucking kill you!" He screamed. And with that, he was gone.
Saruhiko remained rooted to the spot, laughing like a maniac, tears streaming down his face. He had accomplished what he had set out to do. He would no longer have to endure Misaki's infatuation with Mikoto Suoh. Misaki's eyes would forever be fixed on him, but never for the right reason.
He watched the red liquid ooze from the fresh cut along his wrist, admiring the blood flow, but feeling no immediate relief from the act he had committed so frequently to try to rid himself of the painful thoughts overcoming his mind. Perhaps that was why it had no effect, the sheer frequency at which he did it. In the beginning it had worked so well; his brain would become numb, and all would be forgotten. But it would always be there in the morning.
He ran his fingers over his scarred insignia, unsure of whether or not he was imagining the twinge of pain he felt run through his collarbone. It was a never-ending source of agony for him, but not the same sort as the angry red lines on his wrist.
The scene played over and over in his mind, as clear as though it were happening all over again. He had never been able to rid himself of the image of Misaki's horrified appearance. He knew too well that he had crushed him that day.
He wasn't completely heartless; he did feel the guilt of what he had done. Sure, he had taken pleasure in tormenting his friend at the time, but after all, it was Misaki who had betrayed him first. He deserved it, because he would never in a million years admit, nor would he ever understand what he had done. He was too stupid to see it, and furthermore, too stupid to see what he had lost.
But it was long before that day that he had actually lost Misaki. He had truly lost him the day they had joined HOMRA. From day one, Misaki was hopelessly captivated by Mikoto, and his eyes hungered only for him from then on. He had endured countless nights simply watching Misaki fixate over the other man, feeling the sting of rejection burying itself deep inside his heart; a hole that could never be filled.
I became invisible when he was around.
There were times when he wondered why he stayed for as long as he did, hoping that maybe one day he would look at him with that excitement, that desire with which he watched Mikoto. It could have been so perfect; more real than anything either of them had ever experienced. But that was lost long ago.
Even now, months after he had left him, he still felt the sting of it. He had a whole new life; one that any man would kill for. He was third in command to the Blue King. He had power, authority, and a place to live that made his shared bedroom above the HOMRA bar look like a closet. Despite all this however, he'd never felt so empty. He'd lost the one thing in life that had made him feel whole.
Since that day, Saruhiko knew he had changed, and not for the better. He had become a withdrawn yet sadistic man, with nothing but pain fueling his being. His mind's eye liked to blame Misaki for that, but deep down he knew it was his own fault. His fate lied in his hands, and his alone. Misaki had changed too, but perhaps it appeared that way because he had only seen the angry side of his old friend; the side that he had created.
He understood the mess he had made; yet he wasn't sure it could have been prevented. It got to a point where something had to give. He couldn't sit there and watch the person he wanted so badly want someone else. But was he better or worse off now? It had been nearly a year, and yet still, the hurt remained. He had never really gotten over what happened. Was that his fault too? Probably. He refused to move on. He spent day after day reminiscing about what had happened, cutting himself in unsuccessful attempt to mask his pain. It was like poison, but a familiar poison that he continued to grasp with every fiber of his being while it slowly killed him. But it was all he knew. Misaki was all he knew. In the end, he knew it was his own fault. And yet nothing would change.
He raised the blade once more, pressing it against his flesh and creating a new stream of red.
To you, Misaki.
The Love Letter – Blaqk Audio
What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'll never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.
What should mean nothing to you
Has left a poison running straight from your lips
And into (lead to) the poison I'm becoming.
Walk right through me, I'm not really there.
Once it meant something to me.
I find it rather stunning.
I draped it in cold and clarity.
It's true, I find the look becoming.
Walk right through me, I'm not really there.
It's a day gone away.
Turn away from the day, it's explosive.
What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'll never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.
This song has been a favourite of mine for a long time, and when it came on the other day I instantly thought of this pair. It just fits them so perfectly. And yes, I'm sticking to the idea that Saru cuts himself - those wrist bands scream self injury.
I hope you enjoyed this one-shot! Please let me know what you thought!