Young Fun Sans Sun (Electric Shock Egomania)
That awkward moment when your friend asks you to write them a Dave/John but you are slightly more fond of Karkat/John and prone to coming up with terrible plotlines in the dead of night
which basically meant that this is for my biffle Emiggax~
also i imagine human teenage!Karkat to have a hilarious teen moustache btw
Just for imagery purposes
Disclaimed.
one.
Karkat Vantas was in so much fucking love right now, it couldn't be reasoned with.
This was truly ridiculous, he believed wholeheartedly as the sonuvabitch known as his object of affections waltzed into his Biology class three minutes late and sat in the desk diagonal to his upper right. What the fuck was this asshole's deal, being so hilariously goodlooking despite the overbite and nerd glasses?
At the age of seventeen, Karkat didn't know how to deal with this kind of shit.
"What the fuck," he hissed as his one true goddamn love dropped his backpack on the ground and rummaged through it. His crush pulled out a wildly vibrating phone and stuffed it under his desk, flipping it open to read whatever dismal, ridiculous text he received from his equally dismal, ridiculous friends.
His metaphorical amour giggled. Giggled.
Karkat's heart thumped heavily in his chest.
There was really no good goddamn reason for Karkat Carmen Vantas the Third to be so head over heels for John Egbert. No, seriously, there is no valid, great explanation that'll make everything bright and clear and wonderful for anyone involved.
This shit was truly, truly, truly outrageous, Karkat decided the moment John shoved his phone between his legs as their overweight, idiotic Biology teacher waddled through the rows of desks. He honestly felt like John might be his soulmate—except that was kind of fucking creepy, so let's keep it PG, imagination.
PG for preferably good, in this case.
See, Karkat wanted to do all kinds of faggy, romantic shit with the Derpbert. He wanted to take him to a lovely dinner at the local Arby's, he wanted to hold his hands for short five minute intervals because nobody should touch anybody for longer than that, he wanted to maybe touch his butt? Karkat shook his head—that was weird.
Karkat didn't fucks with weird shit.
But Karkat did fucks with being John Egbert's potential love interest.
He scowled and let out a sigh as he stared at his one true love, twirling a pencil in his fingers half-heartedly.
"You are," a hiss came from behind him, and Karkat's neck hair stood on end in his paranoia. "thutch a creep."
"Oh man," Karkat ground out in what he hoped was a whisper. He's been told that he has problems with volume control, but that was stupid. He meant to be loud, okay? "I completely forgot you were behind me—I guess it's because you shut your fucking voice box. It was a welcome change, I'd recommend you do it again—"
Sollux pinched the bridge of his nose between his glasses, sighing. "You kill me, KK," he said in a continued whisper. "You juth murder me. Jethuth Chrith why don't you juth, I don't know, as'th him out on a date?"
Karkat's pencil fell from between his fingers.
Did Sollux just suggest—
"A DATE?" he hissed loudly, turning around in his chair with more dramatics than necessary, some would say. Karkat would say, however, to suck his nuts. "You fucking idiot, you think it's that simple?"
"Yes." Sollux shrugged.
"No!" the sound ripped from Karkat's throat in a high-pitched mockery of his usual scratchy tenor. Fucking puberty. "You don't fucking get it, do you Captor? This is, this is him we are talking about!" Here, he actually struggled to get his voice down to an actual whisper like for real. "He'd never go for me! I'm—"
"Not Dave Thrider?" Sollux reasoned, and Karkat felt any starter boner he was harboring while watching Egbert die a terrible death as the classroom door slammed open and the one and only Dave Fucking Strider strolled in like it ain't no thang.
But for Karkat, it was a thang. It was a big thang.
"M-Mister Strider!" the teacher called out, indignant but at the same time cowed because fucking Dave Strider. "You're fifteen minutes late to class! Do you even have an excuse?"
Dave Strider stared at the teacher.
The class was on the edge of their seats.
"Sure," Strider said with a shrug. "But I gotta say, this excuse might not be up your alley—hell, it might not even be residing on your street, but you know how excuses do. They ain't the best neighbors, being relatively nonsolid either but can we really blame them for that? Even excuses gotta have excuses—"
"For the love of all that is fucking holy—" Karkat whispered, covering his face in exasperation.
The teacher squinted at the teenager. "Okay," he said, obviously confused. "Well, sit down, Mister Strider—you're holding up your classmates." He gestured vaguely towards the only empty desk in the class.
Which just so happened to be the one in front of Karkat, and to the left of Egbert.
Fuck you Jesus Christ, Karkat thought with the utmost sincerity as Strider plopped his fairly flat ass in the seat in front of him. He never claimed to be a religious man.
"Late again, Dave?" Egbert said in a voice that would've been condescending if it weren't coming from the nicest fucking guy in this shitty learning facility. "You should really work on that."
Strider shrugged, reaching into his backpack and rustling around it for whatever dickbags needed. "Yeah, with all that fellatio in the bathroom, I lost track of time," he said in his usual serious voice that left no room for arguments.
Egbert giggled again. Again.
Karkat covered his face once more, only this time because he didn't want to be caught blushing. If he was blushing, that is.
"Well shit," Strider hummed, dropping his backpack. "I am one unprepared son of a bitch—props to my moms." He turned in his seat to gaze at Karkat with eyes hidden behind totally stalker-styled shades. Karkat dragged his hands low enough on his face to open his golden eyes, only to narrow them at the sight of Strider. "Hey, Creepkat, you got a pencil I could borrow?"
Karkat bristled. "You never give me back my pencils—" he hissed, but Strider just looked at his desk.
And snatched his only pencil with nimble fingers. "Thanks bro," Strider said, and turned back around.
Karkat dropped his hands to the desk.
Sollux poked the back of his head with his own pen. "Dave Thrider," he simply said.
Egbert shoved Strider playfully, and Karkat growled lowly.
Fucking crush on John Egbert—no, no, there was a bigger issue here.
Fucking Dave Strider.
"How did you even th'art this creepy cru'th on Egbert?" Sollux asked after school as they sat in Karkat's room playing Globe of Nerdskill, because was a valid fucking afterschool activity and they were cool. They were so fucking cool, okay?
Karkat guided his level 78 Blood Knight through the dungeon of the dragonkind, murdering the minions he came across in cold blood. "It's not a fucking crush, you lisping waste of bone marrow," he sniffed. "I swear to fucking god we were meant to be." Another dragon dead, like his soul.
Sollux coughed, shaking his head in disbelief. "But it makes no thense," he said carefully, his level 87 Mage following Karkat dutifully through the dungeon. "You guyth don't have anything in common. Have you even talked to him before?"
"Oh fuck you, we have tons of shit in common!" Karkat snapped, turning towards his friend(?) with bared teeth. "We both have black hair—"
"Outthide of phythical thimilaritieth," Sollux said simply.
Karkat faltered. "We…both like movies?" he tried, but then nodded in agreement with himself. "Yeah, we both love movies! Fuck you Shitbag."
Sollux cocked an eyebrow, staring into his very soul from behind those bi-coloured circular spectacles. "Thoooo," he started, continuing on with the game. "You're in love with him, becauthe you both like movieth? Nothing elthe?"
"Ugh! You're fucking ridiculous," Karkat snarled, ignoring any potential irony from him making that statement. "I can't fucking explain why John goddamn Egbert is meant to be with me, okay? He just is."
"What do you even know about him?" Sollux demanded, probably squinting at him in exasperation if his facial expression had anything to say about it. "KK, you're kind of creepy, and remember last year with Terezi—"
"Fuck Terezi!" Karkat shouted, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "Last year was an ongoing awkward middle school dance of miscommunication to a degree that an accredited institution of higher fucking learning couldn't bestow." He paused. "And I know tons of shit about Egbert. We've known each other since seventh fucking grade, nutsucker. We are also Chumpage friends." He minimized his game window and opened his internet browser.
He brought up Chumpage, and went to John Egbert's profile. "See?" he turned his laptop towards Sollux, who looked at it with an expression of mild surprise. "Fuck your disbelieving eyes."
"My next, and hopefully final, question is," Sollux said, fixing his glasses upon his nose. "Why don't you just as'th him out?"
Karkat turned his laptop back towards himself, only to find the answer to all of Sollux's stupid questions staring at him from Egbert's profile picture. "Fucking Dave Strider!" he roared, and his friend covered his ears.
John Egbert had at least a thousand friends on Chumpage despite being a seventeen-year-old high school senior at Suburbia Alternative High School, and out of every friend he could choose to take a drunk clingy white girl picture with, he chose Dave Strider? And then he made it his profile picture?
"To be fair," Sollux reasoned once Karkat quieted down. "They are be'th friendth."
"No, they aren't," Karkat hissed, shaking his laptop monitor, wherein John Egbert's latest status was "arcade time with Dave Strider, hope to meet up with Rose Lalonde and Jade 'Becsgurl' Harley! :D" with at least 9 likes even though it was the most menial shit in the world. "Egbert is in love with that ineffective bag of missed cumshots!"
"Groth," Sollux grimaced. "And Egbert ith definitely not in love with Dave Thrider, KK."
Oh for the love of Christ, did Sollux know anything? "Yes he is," Karkat said slowly, rubbing his temples. "The only thing more obvious than my unfortunate crush on Egbert, is his devotion to Strider, for the sake of science."
"There ith nothing more obvious than your cru'th on Egbert," Sollux reassured him seriously. "Nothing. And that devotion ith more like friendth thince birth devotion. Even though they've been friendth for slightly longer than you've known Egbert. Tho, I still don't thee the problem with you a'thking him out…?"
"As long as John Egbert is madly in love with Dave fucking Strider," Karkat explained for what had to be the umpteenth time to this moron. "He will never go for me."
"Especially with that mouthathe—"
"And if I just knew a way to cut that fucking umbilical cord that refuses to let them be apart for more than ten feet," the shorter teen continued, rubbing his chin in thought. "Then maybe…"
Sollux stared at Karkat for a long while. Karkat actually felt, like, eyes boring into his very being. It was kind of disconcerting to his thought process, actually.
"You kill me KK," Sollux finally said, repeating his words from earlier in the day. "Really. Murder."
Karkat snorted, rolled his eyes—and then froze.
"That's it," he whispered, eyes wide as he turned to his now official almost best friend. "That is fucking it."
"Pleathe let this not be thomething ridiculouth," Sollux requested, but Karkat ignored him immediately.
"It's perfect, it's flawless, and it's a great plan!" Karkat insisted, gesticulating wildly. "I'm a fucking genius!" Which wasn't new news, actually.
Sollux sighed. "What the hell are you talking about," he asked with a tired expression.
"I'll tell you what I'm talking about, you toothy mouthed troll-faced dickchoker!" Karkat crowed, standing up from his carpeted floor. "You'll marvel at my fucking feet when you realize how fucking great my plan is."
The bespectacled teen braced himself. Probably for the pure genius that was coming his way. "Okay, tell me."
Karkat cleared his throat, a smirk on his thin lips. "I am going to kill John Egbert."
end one
whatever I like it WHATEVER
I am going to write more now with 50% more pubic hair moustaches
And nobody told me how STUPID it is to write out a lisp fucking christ
Hope you liked it too