She couldn't tell when it started.

Maybe when she was 12 and her anxiety grew due to her problems making friends? Maybe when she was 13 and the bullying started… Maybe when she was 14 and her parents started leaving her house for long periods and she found herself alone, watching TV and feeling lost, wishing for someone to just stay around, make dinner for her, sing her to sleep.

She couldn't tell because her memories were fading, mixing around. She just knew she was too in deep to stop, it was like a thin rope who left her hanging, who made her able to pretend.

She remembers doing it the night before joining Hollywood Arts, desperate, scared. Feeling like she didn't deserve the opportunity, feeling like she was a fraud. She remembers telling Trina she was going to take a long bath, and her mom and dad saying they'd stay home to make a great dinner to celebrate. She took her razor and told herself she needed this, like she always did. She tried to excuse it, like an addict. She tried to fade the guilt. Why couldn't she be happy? It was good news, she was going to be accepted in a new school, a big dream made true, and still she couldn't accept it without the pain. Without slicing herself, without forgetting about everything bad. Like if she didn't deserve something good.

She remembers wrapping her arms in bandages, pain stinging in her whole body. She went out the tub and cleaned a bit. When she arrived to the living room, her parents weren't there. Trina told her they had to go, so the big dinner became a pizza with some money they left. She remembers squeezing her arms, blaming herself and relaxing at the pain coming. She always ruined everything. Both sisters had dinner together and talked about trivial stuff, then went to bed. She remembers not being able to sleep for a while, turning and moving, wounds itching, heart drenched. She remembers wanting to die.

The first time she wanted to die.

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Morning came like a punch in the face. Tori opened her eyes and looked at the alarm clock. It was still five minutes until waking up time, but she still turned it off and stood up. Her pajamas had blood stains all around the sleeves, and were stuck on her wounds. She undressed herself painfully and cleaned the pajamas a bit, then took a shower. She cleaned the dried blood and then went to dress up. She looked at her desk and remembered her homework. Shit. She totally forgot to finish it after the breakdown she had yesterday.

She couldn't exactly remember what happened, the gang had spent Wednesday afternoon in her house practicing for a play. It was fun. Then Cat asked to borrow the orange sweater she was wearing, and she excused herself lamely to change into another. While she was changing clothes, she heard Jade and Beck fighting again. Their break up didn't help them much, and Beck seeing other girls right after it didn't help Jade's attitude towards everyone. She sighed. This would end bad.

She went downstairs and gave Cat the sweater just when Beck was leaving. He gave everyone a hug, which didn't help her case. Jade started screaming at her, saying that it was all a plot to date him and then left. The room went silent.

Everyone left. She sat down, trying to relax her pounding heart, the anger and the sadness that overcame her every time she had a fight with Jade. She had the insults going around her head. Hurting her, destroying the little self esteem that remained.

That was it, she had an anxiety attack after that. She looked at the time, trying to remember all this made her lose some precious minutes. After dressing up, Tori finished her homework and ran to Trina's room. They were going to be late. Trina was grumpy and Tori's body was hurting at every step, so they both enjoyed a rather quiet way to school.

When they arrived, Trina ran towards some of her friends and Tori walked quietly to her locker. The hallways were pretty empty, she looked at the time on her phone and then took some books. She rested her head against the cold metal, it was hot today, but she still had to wear the long-sleeved sweater. Her headache and stinging arms didn't help much.

She saw Jade approaching her locker looking at her phone, half smile on her face. Tori wondered if she remembered the fight they had yesterday. When the gang wasn't around, it seemed like Jade could tolerate Tori. They even had some friendship moments alone, but if their friends were there, Tori would become her personal trash can. And she allowed it. She cherished their moments together so much that she allowed the constant bullying from the girl, just to have tiny happy moments with her.

Jade was writing something on her phone while distractedly grabbing some books and putting them on her bag. She seemed kinda happy today. Her makeup was on point, her hair was beautiful, she was wearing a black skirt and some sort of corset. Tori blushed a bit and closed her eyes. Breathing slowly. She heard footsteps approaching and opened her eyes to find the beautiful girl smiling smugly at her.

- You look like shit. - She commented, while looking at the mess that Tori was made of that morning.

Tori laughed bitterly

- Yeah, I've seen myself. - She disconnected her head from the cold metal of her locker and checked her phone again. - We have biology together with Andre now, right?

Jade nodded.

- I haven't seen them around yet anyway. Cat was late when I spoke to her this morning, and I saw Beck with some stupid senior grabbing a coffee. - She commented, like it wasn't a big deal.

- Are you... Okay with that? I mean, with the... breakup and everything... - Tori asked softly, looking at her feet.

- You should worry about your own shit, Vega. You look like you could use two months of sleep. - Tori looked up to Jade, laughing softly. - But yeah, - Jade added. - I'm fine, I don't want him anymore, I'm just... He literally... Started seeing girls right after the break up, like if our three-year relationship meant nothing. And it makes me so fucking angry you can't even imagine. - She clenched her fists and growled.

- He's been acting like an idiot with you lately - Tori commented, looking at the time again. They still had some minutes before class. - I remember hearing you yesterday, when I went to change. He said a lot of shit.

- Yeah. Well. About that... - Jade looked uncomfortable. - You know I don't apologize and everything, but well... I know you don't want to fuck Beck or whatever. I was just really mad.

- That's fine. - Tori said, smiling happily. - I don't mind the screams if they help you cope with your anger.

They looked at eachother. Jade opened her mouth to add something but Andre interrupted the moment

- Fancy meeting you here without killing each other, ladies. - He said. - What were you talking about?

- Just reminding Tori she looks like shit, you know. For the record. - Jade said. Andre shot her a look and Tori stopped smiling. There she was again.

The three of them fell into comfortable silence while walking to class. Tori sleepily followed Jade and sat beside her. She put her bag on the floor and started taking her books out. Jade shot her a death glare, but Tori didn't notice, so she pushed her chair with her foot, making Tori fall to the floor and bump her head with the chair beside her, occupied by Andre.

She got up from the floor, slowly. Dizziness overcoming her. She saw the teacher screaming at Jade and heard something about detention. Lifting her hand slowly, she pressed it against the pounding pain on her head, checking for blood. Luckily, there wasn't any.

Andre helped her sit behind him, away from Jade. He grabbed her books and her bag and asked her if she was okay. Tori nodded, her headache making every little movement ten times harder. She settled herself just when her teacher had stopped screaming at Jade, who turned slowly and looked at her with one of her darkests looks. "Great." thought Tori. "She's blaming me for her detention. God, why does she have to be like this? We just had a moment. And it's like she forgot everything."

The class went on without further interruptions. When the bell rang, Tori gathered her things quickly and left the room. She ran to her locker and dropped her books, then ran to the Janitor's closet and locked herself, sitting on the floor. The frustration and anger she tried to suppress during biology slowly becoming sadness, tears gathering in her eyes.

However, she didn't cry. She cleaned her eyes with her sleeve, composed herself and breathed slowly, digging her nails in her wounds, opening them. Before starting to bleed, she placed some tissues on them and wrapped her arms in a cloth she always has on her bag. Her movements almost mechanical. She stood up and looked at the time. She was late to second period, so she decided to skip. She had advanced Spanish, and none of her friends shared that class with her since her Spanish was almost native.

The rest of the day was pretty easy. None of her friends noticed her little skip, and lunchtime came quickly. Thursday was the last day of the week, since they had Friday off, and Tori needed the weekend. She had declined every single plan her friends had proposed so she could spend those three days in bed, resting.

She bought a salad and sat on their usual table, Cat and Robbie already there. She forced her best smile and talked with them, moving her fork around the salad, not hungry at all. Andre, Jade and Beck appeared not long after she had arrived, and started making plans for the weekend.

- Jade, Tori, do you guys want to come to mine today after school? We could watch some movies together and have a sleepover! - Cat asked happily.

- Sorry Cat, I'm busy this weekend, remember? - Tori smiled sadly. Cat nodded and looked to Jade.

- As much as I'd love going to yours to watch some lame Disney movies and go to sleep at 9, fucking Vega got me grounded today.

Tori rolled her eyes.

- You were the one who pushed her off the chair. - Commented Andre, not looking up his sandwich. Jade shot him a death glare.

- Who told her she could sit right beside me!? It's her fucking fault for not thinking. I was going to go to some experimental concert with some metal bands that I like and now I'm fucking stuck in the school today. And it's all miss goody good's fault!

Everyone stayed silent, probably waiting for Tori to say something, but she couldn't. Her headache and tiredness decided to stay silent for her, and she silently scratched her wounds to feel the pain, to make her anger disappear. While Cat and Robbie slowly brought another conversation, Andre asked her if she was okay. Tori said she was probably getting sick and smiled at him, and he let it go.

Everyone stood up and lazily started to make their way to class. Tori dumped her untouched salad and looked at her phone. They had class with Sikowitz now, and even that one was her favorite, she would rather have something else where she could just sit in the back row and say nothing.

- C'mon Chica, come sit with me now. Let's see if we finish this class and we can go home already. - Andre said. Tori smiled at his worried friend, and tried to ask him about his songs, so he would forget about her. They talked on their way to class, laughing together.

When Sikowitz arrived, he talked a bit about emotions and how to show them in acting scenes. Some students did an improv after that, luckily Tori could stay on her seat. She was having a good time, actually. This class always helped her mood. She laughed and joked with Robbie and Andre and forgot about her arms, her headache and her tiredness.

- We still have twenty minutes to go, let's do some alphabet improv, who's up? - Said Sikowitz, looking at the students in front of him. Some raised their hands, Tori faked a cough and looked away. - Andre, Cat, Tori, Jade, would you mind? - Jade groaned behind Tori, who closed her eyes in defeat. Andre gave her a friendly pat on the back and she stood up with the rest of her friends.

- Who wants to give me a place? - Said Sikowitz, expectantly. Beck said park. - Park is a good option. Jade, you're a kind and sweet mom who's taking her cute child, Cat, to the park. Just when you're arriving, you discover Andre, your amazing husband, with another woman. That would be Tori. - Tori tried to say something. – Jade, start with D, would you? And… ACTION!

- Don't touch my husband! - Jade screamed, slapping Tori in the face. She stumbled and touched her face, surprised.

- Everytime we go to the park someone ruins it... - Said Cat, in a child-like voice.

- Fabiola! Why did you slap my friend Tori? - Andre said, lamely. Everyone looked at him.

- Fabiola? - Asked Cat, puzzled.

A really loud sound startled all of them.

- Cat, you're out! You had to go with G!

- He said Fabiola!

- I never said you had to go with your actual names. Come on, children, G, it is !

- Geez, why did you slap me? I was just saying hi to my friend. I wasn't trying to steal anything. - Said Tori, remembering about Beck.

- Hiding the truth, are you? - Asked Jade in a really low tone. Her anger looked real.

- Im tired of your jealously! - Screamed Andre. - She's just a friend!

- Just shut up! im talking to her.

- We're three in this conversation!

Again, the loud noise.

- Not anymore! - screamed Sikowitz. – Andre, you're out!

Tori looked at Jade, half scared half tired. She thought about losing in purpose to avoid what it was going to happen, but her pride didn't let her. Instead, she decided to go on and end it fairly.

- 'Kay 'Kay, listen. - Sikowitz didn't stop her so she imagined it was okay. – I think we started the wrong way. I'm an old friend and I just wanted to say hi…

- Lame excuse! Stop trying to defend your case, you're dead!

- My god, listen to me, would you? I have a boyfriend! – Tori added, trying to smooth the angry ambient a bit, but Jade wasn't having it.

- No way! You're on of those who steals and cheats? What a plot twist. – She said, smugly.

- Oh, that's it. I do not cheat, or steal!

- Poor girl, are you getting all worked up?

- Quit the attitude! You were the one that accused me to steal your man and didn't even let me explain myself. I just wanted to be nice! – Tori said, half referring about when both met.

- Ready to hear the truth? – Jade said, angrily. Tori gulped. – You're a liar. And a fucking freak. You think you can go around fooling everyone, being nice and whatever, but you don't fool me! I don't like you one bit. You came to my life and made everything harder. You stole my friends, you stole my plays, you even get me detentions!

- Stop already! I didn't steal anything, I won the roles fairly, your friends are also mine now, and you were the one who pushed me! You deserve this! I only wanted to be your friend, but you're using me! You use me, make me think you're slowly letting me be something in your life, and then you just… Push me away! Literally!

Jade looked at her, clenching her hands into tight fists. Tori backed up, but Jade grabbed her wrist, holding it strongly, making her hide a scream of pain, her wounds opening.

- To be honest, - Jade said, low tone and hatefully. - I wish you were dead. I wish you would go and kill yourself.

Sikowitz screamed at Jade, telling her to stop. But as he was approaching them, Jade stopped him with a glare. Tori swallowed, not being able to reply. A huge knot tying inside her throat, unable to breathe. She tried to run but Jade gripped her wrist harder. Tori saw red stains starting to appear on her sleeve.

- If you were dead. Everyone would be happy! I would be! I would have my friends back, my roles back. I would have my life back. You're just an annoying prick, so just go, and fucking kill yourself!

She opened her hand, liberating Tori, who backed up and looked around. Everyone was wide eyed, not saying anything. She looked at Jade again, tears gathering on her eyes. Then saw the blood stains on her sleeve, and then she ran. She ran, and ran, and didn't stop.

She ran missing the screams of their friends telling her to stop, the anger on Sikowitz's voice, missing Andre's worried look and Cat disappointed expression, and missing Jade's guilt crossing her face when she looked at her hand, covered in blood.

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Will be back soon to share next chapter, hope you like what you read !

-k