Warning: Contains spoilers for 'Mad Empire' and 'Harleen'!

Cast (So Far):

Harley Quinn: Kristen Bell

The Joker: Heath Ledger

Joey Asaro: Vin Diesel

Killer Croc: Michael Clarke Duncan

Harley checked the digital alarm clock next to her bed again. The Joker was due home three hours ago and she was beginning to worry that her husband had fallen in with his pointy eared enemy on his way home from the boxing fight. She began cursing herself for not joining him tonight while she rolled onto her back and stared at the dark ceiling. She was just about to glance at the clock again when there was a sudden painful yelp from the foyer and she heard Joey's voice echo through her bedroom door.

"Boss! What happened?"

She threw the covers back and hurried to the door, throwing it open and squinting as the harsh light stabbed at her constricting pupils. Another yelp penetrated her ears and she turned her attention to the two men entering the room through the door beneath the stairs. Their friend, Croc, was helping The Joker across the floor while he clutched his left arm and winced in pain, releasing a strained cry every few steps. Harley rushed toward them with wide strides.

"Goddamnit, what happened?" she asked in a tone which was much more annoyed than concerned.

Croc's eyes widened like a child who had gotten his friend in trouble and now must deal with the wrath of his angry mother.

"Uh, hey Ms. Quinn", he greeted her short frame nervously, "De Joker and me, we uh, we been-"

"Drinking? Yeah, I could smell you before you came through the damn door", she scolded as she stood by her inebriated husband's side.

"Gah!", he yelled again, "My fucking shoulder!"

She quickly grabbed his suit coat and began pulling it backwards. There was no blood or sign of tearing, so she wasn't sure what could be the problem until she removed the covering to reveal the large bump under the shoulder of his green button up shirt. Palpating the area, she knew instantly that the arm had been dislocated and her residual memory of Dr. Quinzel's medical training kicked in. He hobbled where he stood, grimacing with the thick scent of liquor on his breath while she hastily unbuttoned his shirt.

"How long has he been like this?" she asked Croc as she removed the vest.

"Uh, maybe like fifteen minutes."

She pulled off the button up shirt and tossed it aside.

"Lay down", she demanded angrily to her husband.

He began to comply, but flinched as the bare skin of his back touched the marble floor.

"I said lay down!"

"It's fuckin' cold!"

Their pet hyenas were prancing merrily around them on the floor, unaware that this was not an amusing game.

"Boys, go lay down!", their mother commanded and they lowered their ears as they ran back into the bedroom.

She pushed a hand into The Joker's muscular chest and forced him backward, sitting next to him to grab onto the dislocated arm. She placed a foot into his ribs and abducted the arm slightly.

"SON-OF-A!", The Joker screamed, swinging the other arm around to catch Harley sharply in the jaw, sending her flying back onto the floor.

She rubbed her face and sat back up angrily, kicking him in the ribs.

"Hold still, Dumb Shit!", she scolded him, "Croc, pin him down!"

Her friend reluctantly obliged with her request and she grabbed the arm again, pulling while her husband screamed and writhed on the floor. With one good tug she finally managed to yank the humeral head out of its place and back into the socket. She released him and scooted backward on the floor with a satisfied grin with her face throbbing, and Croc stepped quickly back to allow his friend to move again. He leapt up from the floor and his furious face snapped over to meet with Harley's.

"Why you little…", he muttered as he approached her.

She stood confidently, ready for defense, and bravely stared him down though her heart was beating wildly in her ears.

"Don't be stupid, Puddin', you know I had to do that", she warned him calmly.

He crossed his good arm in front of him to bring the back of his hand across her face, but his motions were slow and clumsy in his drunken stupor and she was able to react with a punch to his sensitive shoulder. She didn't hit it very hard, only enough to make her point, but it was just enough for him to stagger backward as the pain overtook him.

"Ughnn! I'll kill you!" he yelled through gritted teeth and she rolled her eyes.

"Would you quit being an ass and just come to bed?"

He stepped over to her and gripped her throat between the fingers of his uninjured limb. She returned the retaliation by reaching down to grab a handful of the crotch of his slacks and he loosened his hold on her neck slightly.

"You'll let go of those if you know what's best for you, Little Girl", he snarled.

She raised an eyebrow, "Or you'll what, kill me? Go ahead. I dare you."

The fury in his narrowed glare relaxed and a small grin crept onto his face as he chuckled darkly in his throat.

"You know what I love most about you, Harley?", he asked her, removing his hand to place the arm around her waist and pull her into him, "You got balls almost as big as mine."

"Almost", she responded with a grin.

He leaned in to kiss her and she accepted his full lips with a seductive nibble that made him moan under his breath.

"I got'sta get goin', Joker", Croc's voice interrupted them, "Candy gonna be wonderin' where we was and-"

The Joker cut him off with the nervous gesture of his fingers slicing the air across his neck and he nodded.

"I'll be seein' ya, man. Ms. Quinn."

He turned to leave quickly and The Joker looked down to notice his wife staring him down with a disapproving glare. He gave her a cheesy grin, but her expression was carved in stone. He pushed her softly aside and started for the Cigar Lounge that was their bedroom and office.

"Well?" he heard her ask behind him, "Where the hell were you tonight?"

"At the fight, like I told ya", he responded as he walked, removing his fedora and loosening his belt.

Harley and Joey exchanged a glance as he sat back down at his post, and she released a frustrated sigh, stomping behind her husband to follow him into the bedroom where she shut the door loudly behind them.

"So you were cheering so hard you just happened to sublux your shoulder again, huh?" she asked him, arms crossed in her chest.

He continued to undress in silence and she was growing impatient.

She stomped her foot, "JOKER!"

He jumped slightly, "What?"

"What the hell happened tonight?"

Kicking off his shoes, he walked slowly over to her with a smile and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Boys will be boys, Dearest", he assured her, "Nothing to worry about, I promise. You believe me, right?"

She rolled her eyes with a sigh, "Not really, no."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead, "Come on, Princess, let's go to bed. I'm tired and we have a long day of Christmas planning to do tomorrow."

She reached up and grabbed the back of his neck gently in both of her small hands.

"Puddin' please don't brush me off. Tell me what happened to you tonight", she pleaded, blue eyes piercing right through him.

He tilted his head back with a sigh and stepped backward a few feet to land onto the mattress.

"If I tell you it was the Dork Knight will you flip shit and go looking for him again?"

Her knuckles cracked under her fists while her jaw clenched at the thought of the vigilante vermin laying his filthy clubs on her precious husband. He lifted his head to grin at her and noticed her furious expression.

"Oh, come now", he cooed at her, "I'm fine, Baby, see?" He rotated the shoulder and resisted the urge to grimace at its soreness, "Now, get your sexy ass over here and make me feel better."

A small smile escaped her lips and she tilted her head to give him a coyly teasing expression. He wriggled a beckoning finger at her and she walked over to him, lifting her short legs onto the bed to straddle his lap where he lay while he placed his rough hands softly onto her hips.

"Ho-ho-ho", he quipped.

"What did you call me?" she smirked and he laughed.

Leaning over with a smile, she could see the bruising already spreading on his shoulder and began placing sweet kisses over the tender area.

"Mean ol' Bats beatin' up on my poor Puddin'", she cooed, "Makes me wanna take my sledge hammer to his thick skull and watch the blood pool under the Christmas tree."

The Joker's breath increased slightly and he began stroking his fingers through her hair.

"Then what?" he whispered.

Harley smiled and let her kisses travel slowly down his heaving chest.

"Then, I'd tie up that little Bat Bitch of his and prod him with red-hot pokers until he squealed like a stuck pig", she teased.

"Baby…"

He closed his eyes while she continued to journey down his torso and around the musculature of his waist. When she reached the buttons of his slacks, they were pulled undone with the swift motion of her small fingers and she was able to continue her kissing uninterrupted. When the pleasure hit him, he released a sigh and attempted to place his hands behind his head, but the pain in his shoulder presented a problem and he decided to grab onto a handful of the bed sheets instead. The other hand reached down and tangled its fingers in her long blonde hair while she worked her magic, driving him wild as fireworks flew in his vision. After eight years of practice, she had perfected her technique to an exquisite art and he could hear his heart beating in his ears while he began to moan. The pain soon became a distant and unconcerning memory, and he sat up to prop his elbows beneath him for support so he could watch her, breathing heavily. His eyes continued to retreat up into their sockets, but he fought them with as much power as he was able while he concentrated intently on maintaining his composure. The long fingers wrapped themselves in Harley's hair again and tugged at her scalp while she reached up with a delicate hand to stroke along the exposed skin of his torso, making goosebumps spread beneath her fingertips.

"You're trying to embarrass me aren't you?" he shuddered at her.

She giggled and shrugged, but didn't stop and he was forced to grab both sides of her head with his hands.

"Okay wait, whoa, hang on a minute!" he panted.

Looking up at him with a sly grin, she rested her elbow into the mattress and laid her chin into it as if she was waiting for the bus.

"It's not like I'm going to tell the boys if you don't last longer than five minutes, Puddin'", she said playfully, "It's a compliment, really."

He lay back onto the bed and tried to gather his senses about him, "It's the principle, damnit. I'm forty-six, not sixteen."

She chuckled and rolled her eyes, face still resting on her arm.

"Okay, I'm good", he said after a few more seconds.

"Nah, I think I've had enough", she retorted.

His head shot up,"What?"

"Kidding", she snickered, "Geeze, so touchy."

He lay his head back onto the bed and suddenly realized that resting may have been a mistake. His senses were now in hyperdrive after their short break and he held his breath as his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

"Would you just enjoy it instead of trying to set a world record?" he heard Harley scold him and he released the breath slowly, "Just relax."

He willed his muscles to relax beneath him, but his breath continued to hitch involuntarily while the intense pleasure traveled up his spine like lightning. His fingers gripped the sheets and his chest began to heave erratically while he lost the fight with his eyes to roll up into his skull.

"Mmnhh, Harley…fuck!" he shuddered and his entire body tensed in a tonic contraction while the waves of ecstasy clouded his thoughts as well as the world around him for what seemed like an eternity.

When it was over, he lay in complete relaxation while his breathing began to slow to a normal pace and could feel the weight of the mattress change as his wife climbed up next to him.

"How's the shoulder?" she asked him.

He chuckled quietly, "What shoulder?"

"Merry Christmas, that's all you get this year", she teased.

His eyes remained closed, but he made a thoughtful expression, "I could live with that."

She laughed and stood from the bed, "Come on, up! You're taking up the whole bed and I want to go to sleep."

"Hm? What? Huh?", he muttered sleepily, refusing to move from his comfortable spot.

"Up!"

He grumbled and lifted his lower extremities to roll into his place on the bed while his wife tucked her small legs in behind his and wrapped his waist with a loving arm. She sat up briefly to kiss his head and lean back, switching off the lamp on her bedside table before snuggling closely up behind him, listening to him breath while he fell quickly to sleep.