Hello dearies, so this is my first fic I have been written in English. My first language is German and I'm usually writing in German too (so I'm sure that there are a some errors in the text) but I wanted to share this with you all :-) There are far to few Mary and Tom stories for my liking ;-) .
Hope you like it. And please feel free to comment. I'm happy about every response.
- The final goodbye -
So this was it. His last day at Downton. Six years ago he would have thought when this day arrived he would be glad. Glad to leave this lot that he despises so much behind and finally breathing in the air of the cold but real world he loves so dearly. But his first goodbye in 1919 hadn't even been liberating like that and sure his goodbye now, in the first week of january 1925, wasn't anything near "hardly can't wait".
He had changed and with him his political views. And the world which had been once so clearly black and white for him, was these days a mix of shades of grey. And the lot he had despised so much when he was a young man, today they were the people he held dearest to his heart.
Who would have thought that? He thought inwardly as he looked around his cleaned up room with a sad smile. His 20 year old self definitely not!
So this was it. His second goodbye within years. The first time he had been the happiest poor fella in whole Downton. Not because he was leaving, but because who he was leaving with and the promise that the future held for the two of them. But life doesn't owe you anything and it sure as hell doesn't make promises. And so all their dreams crashed to the ground. It still hurt to think about it. He didn't know anything about the future, but this one was certain to him.
He would forever feel the loss of his Sybil.
And that he would also miss Downton. Not just the place but the people within. The staff and her family who, against all odds, became his family. Oh it wouldn't be a final goodbye, he and Sybbie would visit occasionally. And they would be welcomed with open arms. But still.
It would not be the same.
Not like this last years had been. Everyone would have gone on with their lives. Many things would have happened. And although they would be always close to each other they would not really share their lives.
Even the thought of it made his heart ache.
Robert, Mary and he wouldn't take care together of the estate anymore. Mary and he wouldn't stick their heads together to come up with a plan to convince Robert of a new idea. Mary wouldn't shoot him that conspiratorial glance across the dinner table when the drama was about to begin.
Like he was the only one she could share her amusement with, because all the others wouldn't understand.
But he did.
He understood her.
It was really funny because in his beginnings at Downton she had been the one he hadn't understood most of all. But over the years they formed a strong bond of friendship. They got to know each other, to appreciate the other, to understand the other like no one else around them.
That would be gone. He just knew it. Mary wasn't someone with nostalgia. She would be sad about him leaving, sure. But she would get over it in no time. All of her suitors would take care of that and would give her something new to think about.
And there it was again, that aching in his heart.
But this time stronger, more fierce.
'Stop it already!' He would like to say to his own heart. 'Don't make a fool of yourself.'
He has been thinking these thoughts for a while now. But since Christmas he didn't succeeded in silencing them anymore.
When she was singing this damn christmas song it had hit him with a force.
He was so sure of leaving before that. But he hadn't realized all the meaning, all the consequences that this decision would include. It had crushed down on him like a meteor then. He would be leaving Downton.
He would be leaving her.
And he didn't want to.
His heart wanted all kind of other things. He had been unable to look away from her then. His eyes had been fixated on her for the rest of the evening. And even in the night, when he had been lying alone in his bed and she had been many doors away from him, he still saw her in his dreams.
How did that happened? How could his fate be so cruel to him to fall in love with the sister of his late wife?
What should, what could he possibly do about that? Everything he could do would end with a broken heart and a broken family. And especially the last was to much of a price to pay. He wouldn't let Sybbie loose her family.
So the only thing he would do today was leaving. No great love declarations, no desperate goodbye kisses. He would say goodbye to each and everyone of them, get in the car and maybe return as soon as next christmas.
Tom breathed in deeply one more time, took his coat and his suitcase and left the room without a last look. When he came down the stairs Sybbie was waiting for him, fully closed and ready for departure. It melted his heart to be thrown that loving, trustful smile of hers.
"Ready for an adventure darling?" he said bending down to her and giving her a quick kiss on her cheek.
"Ready daddy." she assured him and he was glad she didn't seemed to notice that he was a mess.
Cora was the first to bid farewell to, followed by the Dowager Duchess and Violet. With every goodbye it became harder to fight back the tears that were gearing up behind his eyes.
"I'm mournful to see you leave, Tom, but I wish you all the happiness in the world." Robert said sincere and tugged him in for a heartfelt embrace.
And then there she was.
Mary.
Beautiful and composed like always. It stung him a little bit that there wasn't even the slightest sign of tears in her eyes.
"Goodbye Tom." she simply said but not without hugging him one last time. When he felt her arms around him he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready to let her go. It felt so good, so right to hold her.
He breathed her in.
A mixture of the newest perfume from Paris and the familiar scent of hers. Suddenly he was well aware of how close she was. He would just have to bend his head a little bit to the right and he could kiss her neck. Her skin always looked so flawless it must felt like …
But he didn't got the chance to end his thought hence to Mary who abruptly let go of him. The next few minutes went by in a blur. The chauffeur attaching his suitcase to the back of the car, the knot of people waving him goodbye and himself finally seating in the back with Sybbie. But all he wanted to see in this last seconds was Mary's face, all he wanted to do was to tell her once more, that he would miss her. But she was gone. The moment she ended their embrace she slipped away through the small crowd without looking at him one more time. And so he fixated his sight on Sybbie and her smile.
"Everthing all right, daddy?" she was asking.
"It will be." he told her and held her close to him.
And then the car was starting.
It was unbearable empty and quiet at the train station. Nothing to take off his mind from the sadness that was swelling in him. All he wanted to do for so long, was to go. To leave.
But how can something he wished for so long and finally came true felt so wrong?
All of this. The packing of his suitcase, the goodbyes, standing here waiting for the train, even thinking about his new job in Boston ... it all felt wrong. Sybbie waited patiently at his side. He wondered if she even understood the meaning behind all of this. He had done his best to explain it to her a few weeks ago and then again yesterday but her tearless ease told him, that he had done a poor job. If she surely believed, they wouldn't come back she would be crying right now. And then he heard the signal. The train was arriving. Sybbie looked exited at the sound of it getting closer.
"Daddy there! I can see it." she was yelling and he met her look with a smile. But inside his chest there was this noise swelling, like a growl growing louder. He can't do this.
He can't do this.
It was screaming right inside him. But then there was another noise.
"Tom!" someone was shouting his name. And he instantly knew who it was.
"Tom. Wait!" He didn't have to turn around to knew it was Mary hurrying down the platform to get to him. But he did it anyway.
He couldn't believed it. There she was. Just a few meters away, running like she was chased by the devil.
"You can't go." she simply said, panting, as she came to a halt right in front of him. All her composure from their goodbye just thirty minutes ago was gone. She looked agitated, her hair tousled, her cheeks burning, and her eyes. Oh my god, her eyes looked like a tempest. Furious, remorseful and teary all in once.
"What?" was all that was escaping his lips. His head was a mess, overwhelmed by hundreds of thoughts. What was she doing here? Why was she telling him he couldn't go? Why does she looked like she would collapse any moment right here in front of him? Could it be …?
No, he didn't let his mind finish this thought.
She couldn't be here because of that.
But why was she here then?
"You can't go." she said again and this time he willed his head to come up with a whole sentence in return.
"Why can't I go?" it was almost a whisper. A hope to fragile to speak it out loud resonating in his words.
She just looked at him. With bewildered eyes searching for an answer in his face. She took a moment, as if she had to summon all the courage she could get before answering.
"Isn't it obvious?" she finally said in her marvelous, flawless way of hers. "I'm in love with you."
"You are?" he was asking with big, puzzled eyes.
And she was just looking at him again. Wandering right across his face with her gaze. Taking him in.
"I am." she smiled. The bright, wholehearted smile she showed rarely. "I know it's insane. You and me. I was the one who told Sybil to get away from you." she paused. "And now I don't want you to get away from me."
"I don't want to." his voice sounded hoarse. He came one step closer and cupped her cheek with the palm of his hand. All his nerves tingled at the touch of her skin. He didn't felt so alive since … Since Sybil.
And suddenly he knew, with a certainty that blew him away once more, that there was nothing wrong about Mary and him. He loved Sybil with all his heart, and a part of him would love her forever.
But she was gone.
And he was still here.
Living.
Breathing.
She wouldn't want him to be lonely. And she loved her sister dearly. She wouldn't want her to be alone either. And Mary, from all the women he had met since Sybil died, was the only one who really saw him. Who got him. Understood him and his pain. Because she herself was living with it. Together they somehow made it through the hardest times. And in the end they had unexpectedly fallen in love with each other. When this was something to give names to, then it was a bloody miracle.
"Then don't." Mary said and shifted her head slightly towards him. It took his breath away with the way she was looking at him. So certain, so overpowered with love. Everything he was feeling he saw it there in her eyes.
And so he didn't stopped himself anymore. He bend down and kissed her.
The train had long arrived and was waiting for it's passengers. But Tom didn't wasted one thought on boarding. He wasn't going anywhere except home to Downton.