I don't know whether to call this humor or horror: The Emperor's Hand does the galaxy a favor... A short, short story about how I got rid of my least fav SW character. Rated PG for Dark Side nastiness. This story assumes you've read Tales From Jabba's Palace: "Sleight of Hand" but you don't really need to have done so to understand it. Basically, the Emperor sent Mara to kill Luke when he came to rescue Han but she missed her chance. And for those of you who don't know, Salacious Crumb is the name of the nasty little rat/monkey creature with the creepy laugh that is always sitting by Jabba.
"The Death of Salacious Crumb"
Mara Jade's ship cruised through hyperspace. The Emperor was not pleased with her failure to kill Luke Skywalker at Jabba's palace. Frankly, she wasn't all that pleased with her failure either. It was the first time she had really failed at any task the Emperor set her to, and she didn't like the feeling. So, needless to say, she was in an I-feel-like-mindlessly-destroying-something kind of mood. She was banging around the hunk of junk ship that was all she'd managed to get out of Mos Eisley, trying to fix the ventilation system which insisted on making the entire ship smell like half-rotted vrelt. The smell was putting her in a worse temper, and the only thing that helped was thinking about how she was going to make Skywalker pay... Yes, that definitely made her feel better. Working her hydrospanner into the air duct, she discovered what was making her ship stink so bad- it was, of all things, a half-rotted vrelt.
"How in the galaxy did that get in there?" she mumbled to herself. And since she was pretty much ticked off at the universe and in no mood to deal with this, she pulled out her lightsaber and diced the vrelt up into little tiny pieces. After that it just smelled like singed hair, which she found immensely preferable. She smiled, dreamy-eyed, as she imagined Skywalker lying there in little pieces, and went to answer the insistent alarm in the cockpit that was telling her to come out of hyperspace. Pulling the ship out of lightspeed, she could feel her Master nearby. But she felt something else... Another presence on her ship. She probed it deeper... and grinned maliciously.
Master, it seems I have a stowaway.
For a moment she thought he would be angry at her negligence, but he only laughed softly. Bring it to me.
Yes, Master. His Hand obeyed him.
He felt her approach his throne. He turned the chair, seemingly without moving a muscle, but he knew this trick he used to impress the Admirals was lost on her. She expected him to know when she was coming. And the squalling bundle she carried announced her presence quite forcefully. Pun fully intended. I crack myself up! he thought with a sardonic half-smile.
She tossed the small creature almost carelessly at his feet. It tried to scurry away, swearing at him most vilely in several languages, but its feeble attempts were no match for the Dark Side of the Force. He held it in place and examined it.
It seemed his Hand had had a little fun with the creature before bringing it to him. Its ears and tail were cut off and most of its fur was burned.
It was resisting arrest, she commented mildly- and only a bit defensively- sensing the train of his thoughts.
His smile spread, and he cackled out loud.
"This very entertaining creature is a fitting atonement. Your mistake is forgiven." His face hardened. "But not to be repeated Mara Jade. Do you understand?"
"Yes Master."
She bowed deeply, and he dismissed her.
He eyed the scorched, squirming, swearing ball and cackled even louder. "You are indeed very entertaining, my dear Salacious Crumb. Indeed, and to me quite more than a crumb." He smiled at his wit, and with a gesture the creature floated toward him. With closed eyes he savored every bite. It was delicious. Salaciously delicious. And that was worth a full-blown cackle indeed.
FINIS