AN1: This is a songfic based on 'Trouble' by Misty Boyce. You probably haven't heard of her, but go look her up on youtube. She's an amazing singer, so I'm sure you'll be glad that you did.

AN2: The lines indicate a change in POV. I'm sorry for all the abstractness, though.

AN3: Special thanks to Ayoshen for her wonderful wisdom and beta-ing skills! This story wouldn't be half as angsty as it is if it weren't for you ;)

I left home today without my skin

Evaporated in the wind

Guess it's too soon to try and love again

I think I'm fine. I think I'm prepared when she comes barreling down the road after me when I leave Granny's. But I'm not. She yells at me. She tells me that everything that's gone wrong is my fault and my fault alone. That I'm destroying the town. That I'm destroying her. And that's what hurts the most: the fact that I've caused her pain. So I turn and walk away without trying to defend myself. It's too late for that now. I've lost the strength to fight. I've lost myself. Between having Henry taken from us and realizing that the one person who might have been on my side was never going to trust me again, I became nothing. And I can't seem to summon the will to care about it.

'Cause lately I've been fucking like a man

Getting drunk and making plans

To come out as the alien I am

I sit at the bar, staring at my gin and tonic instead of scanning the room like I usually do for a distraction – someone to make the world fall away, even if it's just for one night. I'm tired of that game, though. It doesn't hold the same appeal that it did only a week ago when I was picking up a different person every night. Male, female…I really didn't care. A distraction was a distraction. And it worked, for a while. But now even downing my gin and tonic and asking for another one does nothing to alleviate…what? Guilt? No, just a black hole that has settled in the pit of my stomach. And if I really want something to feel guilty about, I can unleash that black hole and everything it contains on this godforsaken town. They think they have a reason to hate me now, a reason to call me evil, but they haven't seen who I truly am. They haven't witnessed the darkness that's taken up residence inside of me since I got here, since I sent all of us here in an attempt to make things right. A part of me almost wants to give them a reason o think the way they do. To justify their fear and their hatred. Anything would be better than letting this blackness consume me from the inside out.

And this explains a lot to them...

"Hey." I hear the voice from behind me. I don't turn around. I know it's her. I know her green eyes will be filled with concern. And that is not what I want to see right now. I don't want to see her at all.

"Go away," I tell her, still looking down at my glass.

"Regina, I'm worried. Can you just be a person for a second and – "

"Be a person?" I interrupt her, finally swiveling around on the barstool so that she can see the glare I'm doing my best to hold. "And how exactly am I supposed to accomplish that, Miss Swan? How do you suggest I go about finding a trace of humanity within my dark, evil soul?"

"I don't think you're evil – "

"If I even have a soul." I don't care about the ashen look on Emma's face. I keep going. "I probably don't. I know you'd attest to that."

Emma's expression becomes stony as she refuses to break eye contact with me. It almost makes me miss our old arguments, when Henry was still here. Almost. "If you want to drink yourself into a stupor, Regina, that's fine with me. Hell, you can drive yourself home afterwards for all I care. But remember that Henry will have to come home to one less mother if you kill yourself while he's gone. Just…don't forget about him."

She turns to leave, but I can't help myself. "He's not coming back, you know." I hear the words before I realize I've said them. It isn't until that moment that I know I truly believe I'll never see him again. "He isn't coming back, so you should just stop hoping that he will." I watch her back stiffen and I can almost picture the way her mouth must be twisting in anguish. "And it isn't my fault. I didn't bring those people here. You did. You're the reason he was taken from us." I wait for her to say something, but there's only silence and the rise and fall of her shoulders. Eventually, she turns back around. But she doesn't meet my gaze.

"I guess you're right." Her voice is more tired than sad. She stands there for a moment and I wonder if she's going to say anything else, but she doesn't. And then she's gone.

I'm tr-tr-trouble

That night in bed, I imagine what Emma might look like when her body is wracked with sobs and her cheeks are stained with tears. I don't know whether this makes me empathetic or sadistic. When I finally fall asleep, my dreams are filled with storms and the ocean and shouts and daggers. When I wake up, all I can remember is the sound of my own screaming. It must have been the gin.

You got all the things that make me weak

The wandering eye, the double speak

The things that keep me on my feet

I sit at my usual corner booth at the bar, glancing over at the person I had gone there to forget about. To no avail, it seems. I shouldn't be surprised to see Regina there. This is the only bar in Storybrooke, so of course she's gone there after the fight we had earlier this afternoon. I know I sure as hell need a drink. I just wish I didn't have to put up with that infuriating smirk in order to get one.

I try to avoid eye contact, keeping my gaze focused on the glass in front of me. I can't block out the sound of her voice, though. That deep, rich sound that is so obviously flirtatious that I feel heat start to rise up my neck and settle in my cheeks. I'm embarrassed. For her, not for me. I'm not the one making a fool of myself.

Eventually, my eyes can't help but wander over to the brunette. She's been making enough of a fuss to have the attention of every other person in the bar, so I figure I don't have anything to lose by following suit. One more pair of eyes won't catch her attention. Somehow, though, she knows. A moment after I move my gaze to her, she leans forward even more than she already is, seemingly oblivious to the revealing nature of her low-cut dress. The woman sitting next to her takes a dismissive sip of her drink and – in retaliation? – maybe – Regina uncrosses and re-crosses her legs. I can't seem to shake the feeling that the view her movement afforded me was completely intentional. But no. She isn't trying to impress me. Why would she be? Everyone's falling all over her. Well…even if the woman next to her isn't, as soon as she moves away, a sleazy guy in a suit jacket is sidling up to the mayor, a half-hopeful, half-sickeningly self-confident smile plastered across his face. That's when I turn back to my drink and focus on that instead of things that clearly aren't going to make me feel any better.

After what seems like only minutes, my glass is empty, so I stand up to leave. But she's there. Of course she's there, leaning against the wall right next to my booth. Her smile is fierce, but I can tell she isn't exactly steady on her feet. Even leaning against the wall, it's a struggle for her to keep still.

"Did you enjoy your drink?" she croons, not caring who hears her.

"What do you want, Regina?" I mutter, trying to give her a hint. But she doesn't notice. Or she doesn't care.

"I just wanted to let you know that you're throwing me off my game." Her voice is velvety, but there's clearly some acid in it, too. A deception. "Everyone here is expecting you to throw a punch at me at any moment, which makes them a little reluctant to talk to me. So, unless you plan on being my newest conquest, I would appreciate it if you stayed away from this bar in the future."

"You want to ban me from the bar?" I'm determined to focus on that one part of what I've just heard. My brain isn't capable of processing anything else.

"I'm not banning you from anywhere, Miss Swan. I'm just making a suggestion." Everything about this woman infuriates me. And now, taking in her self-righteous expression, I just can't help myself. I have to do something. I have to push back, even though I know full well that it isn't going to help anyone.

And any other day you would've won

But power comes with being numb

So baby, I'm the one to beat

"I really don't think you're in a position to be making any suggestions, Madame Mayor." I narrow my eyes and do my best to invade her personal space without setting my own heart racing at twice its normal speed. "You're a fucking mess. How much do you think it would take for me to convince the council that they need to find someone else to run the town? Because the person currently in charge is obviously not up to the task." I take in her sneer and it only pushes me further towards the edge. "The same way you're not up to a lot of things. Like raising a son."

Her eyes narrow and I imagine I hear her breath hitch. But it's probably all in my head. "Don't pretend you know anything about that. You weren't here."

"I don't have to pretend," I counter. "I can see you – everyone can see you here, every night, whoring yourself out in an attempt to alleviate your guilt over losing your son." This choice of pronouns stops me in my tracks, but I shake my head and keep going. It doesn't matter now. "We don't need to guess at what a failure you are. You're more than willing to show us yourself." I turn before I can see what sort of damage I've left in my wake. I need to get out of here. It's…I've gone far enough.

Please don't get offended when I leave...

I hear footsteps thudding behind me on the pavement only seconds before she calls out.

"Hey." I can't tell if her voice is angry or hurt. Maybe both. But I only hesitate for a second before I turn around to face her.

"What?" I say, trying to maintain an edge to my tone. Hopefully it works.

"You…" She's slightly out of breath, and I don't know why. The running? I guess she doesn't have a lot of time to hit the gym on a regular basis. "You…can't say things like that. To me. In front of other people."

I sigh. "I can do whatever I want, Regina." Her breathing is still labored, but I choose not to meet her gaze, focusing instead on the slightly damp pavement beneath my boots. "And anyway, you've done this to yourself. I didn't make you do anything." I finally look up at her. The steel in her expression would make anyone else doubt the truth of what I've just said. But I know better.

"It can't happen again," she utters, as if we're back in the crowded bar, at risk of being overheard.

"It won't," I say. "I'm leaving." I try to ignore the sharp intake of breath that I hear. "I mean, why stay? You're right. He's not coming back. So." I let my voice trail off and do my best to hold it together. I'm an expert, after all. "There isn't really any reason for me to stay." I glance up once more at the eyes that hold too much for me to handle before I turn around and continue down the sidewalk. "I'll be gone by the end of the week," I say, still facing away from her. I really don't care whether she can hear me or not.

I'm tr-tr-trouble

I don't know how to fall asleep. It used to be so easy, but lately it's been a near impossible task. And tonight is particularly bad. Which is unfortunate, because it means there's no way for me to escape the memory of the pain that I may or may not have caused Regina. But I saw it. It was there in the way her eyebrows were drawn together and in the faint lines that appeared at the edge of her mouth when she frowned. But I don't feel terrible about it. I don't hate myself, which is the worst thing about this whole situation. I used to care about being a good person, about not causing other people pain. I do my best to ignore the tingling at the back of my neck that comes with the knowledge that things have changed. That I've changed. Eventually, sleep takes over. And the rest is consumed by darkness.

And my bones get weak

Every time I think on what I done

To bring you down

I pass you on the street. I'm going to work – there really isn't any other place that I'm welcome now, except my own home – and you're on your way to Granny's. But the look on your face, the way every fiber of your being radiates dismay…it causes me physical pain. And that terrifies me. You actually meet my gaze, which only makes things worse. I can see the way your eyes close off when you register my presence. As if you know I'm someone you have to protect yourself from. As if you know there's no way you can be safe when I'm around. I don't have anything to convince you otherwise. So I keep moving.

And I can't believe

This is part of me

Of who I am

What I've become

I get to Mary Margaret's apartment at around three in the morning. I was able to fall asleep, but then I woke up after just a couple of hours and this was where I ended up. I can feel my fingers tingling already and as soon as the door opens I fling the person behind it against the wall. I tell myself I didn't realize it was Emma. And it works. Because I can't even tell when I'm lying anymore. It's all the same to me now.

"What was that?" I hear her gasp from across the room.

"Just me," I answer. "My magic. Or have you forgotten who I am?" I try to sound confident. And I try to saunter across the room. But Emma's gaze makes me question myself. As it always does. It's why I hate her so much.

"I haven't forgotten," she struggles to get out as she pushes herself to her feet again. "I just hoped. Still. Even after everything that's happened, I still had hope." I see a dark bruise appearing on the side of her face as she turns towards me. It makes my stomach clench and I'm frozen for a moment, coming to terms with that reaction.

"And you don't anymore?" My voice is not steady. I can hear it. And it kills me inside.

"No," she says. I can't tell if she's devastated or relieved. "Not anymore."

I feel an empty smile playing on my face as I lift a hand and send the blonde flying into the wall once more. "Good," I spit out, moving towards her and slowly increasing the pressure I have on her chest, pushing the air out of her body. "I'm glad you've finally come to your senses."

I have never been more satisfied

Than when I cheated, when I lied

To get what I believe is mine, all mine

I want to hurt her. And I know that will make everything better. At least for a while. I pull back on the pressure I was placing on her chest, only to grasp onto her arms and dig my nails into her bare flesh. (She's wearing one of her wife beaters. Of course. Because what else would she dress herself in?) She whimpers (at the pain? Well yes. Why else would she make a sound like that?) and I lean in to whisper directly into her ear. "Be quiet, dear. You don't want to wake your parents."

"They're not here," she breathes out, and I laugh, not a little cruelly.

"Perfect. In that case, be as vocal as you want. I know that will make this much more fun for me." I only have to bend my head a little before her shoulder is within reach of my mouth and I bite down without thinking. This impulsivity scares me, but the gasp I hear from above me makes it all worthwhile. "Where should I start?" I murmur, but I'm stopped in my tracks as soon as I lift my head to see the fear in Emma's eyes. Because there's no fear there. There's something else and I have no power over the look of utter terror that takes over my face as soon as I realize what I've done.

Stay away from me

Away from me

I'll bring you down

I can't bring myself to believe what I see in her eyes. The way that, without even saying anything, she's telling me that she wants me. I stand there, with my hands wrapped around her biceps, not daring to breath, until she speaks.

"Why did you stop?" she whispers, as her eyes bore into me. And then: "What's wrong?" A sob escapes my throat before I can stop it and suddenly, her lips are on mine. My arms fall to my sides and I feel her now-free hands moving up to cup my cheeks. I shudder. As she pulls away from the kiss, there's suddenly concern in her eyes, too, and it's just too much. "It's okay," she says, and I no longer have any control. I attack her again, this time with my mouth, and my hands are everywhere on her. I don't wait for permission before pushing my tongue between her lips and we end up against the wall again. I'm pinning her there. And, because she doesn't seem to care, I don't, either.

I must go alone

On my way home

Til home is found

I lose myself in every push and tug, in every scratch. And at first, it's pure bliss. I forget everything except the two of us in that apartment. I no longer feel the weight of the despair and the guilt that has been plaguing me every day since I did the unforgivable. Since I failed to protect Henry. But that's just it. I can't forget. I can't allow myself to be forgiven, to escape from the punishment that will never be enough. So I push Regina away. Her teeth hang on to my bottom lip for a moment and I feel a stabbing pain in my heart as I take in her eyes that are suddenly not so full of malice. She's smirking, though, and I hate her again. Maybe even more than I did before. But there's something else there, now, and there's nothing I can do to erase that.

"I need you to go," I choke out, keeping my hands pressed against her chest so that she doesn't close the distance between us again.

"What?" The corners of her mouth are still curved up in a half-smile, but I can see the panic creep into her eyes. I take a deep breath.

"This. Can't happen. It's – " I watch as a soft devastation seems to envelop her entire body and force myself to keep going. "It's wrong. And…it's not helping either of us."

"Why are you doing this?" It feels like her words are wringing out my stomach and it takes every bit of strength that I have left not to double over in pain.

I'm running out of options. So I resort to cruelty. It's the only thing I have left. And it always seems to work so well for the woman standing in front of me. "I don't have to be your victim, Regina." Her face darkens as she finally takes a step back and breaks the physical contact that's been grounding us from the moment I kissed her.

"No," she says, looking away and taking a shuddering breath. "You don't."

I open my mouth to say something else – to apologize. For what, I have no idea. But before I can form words, she's gone. She doesn't even close the door behind her and I can hear every thud as she clambers down the stairs, rushing towards something I simply cannot see. I sit down on the floor, exactly where I am, and let me eyes grow cloudy with the lights still on and the doorway still gaping, making me vulnerable to any sort of attack. Too bad I've already been destroyed.

Stay away from me

Away from me

I'll bring you down

I wake with a jolt, my muscles aching from falling asleep on the hardwood floor. The door is closed and the lights have been turned off, so Snow and David must be home. I must have been too heavy for them to move. Or they were too frightened to wake me up. I don't blame them. Suddenly, I'm terrified that I have no idea where Regina is. Or how she is. And I don't have a right to know anymore. So. I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it. I've learned to live with a lot of things, so…maybe it won't be so hard. Right now, though, it feels impossible.