Title: I Hate Him
Rating: PG for language
Category: Vignette
Summary: Logan reflects on Zach.
I could see the way he looked at her, his eyes caressing the curves of her face, the lines of her body. From the first moment I saw them together I knew he didn't see her as his sister. I hated him for it, hated him because he wasn't the brother he was supposed to be. Wasn't the kind of brother Max had probably always dreamed he would be. I hated, hate him because he's not what I want him to be, and it frightens me. He's a threat, a threat to what I want to have with Max and I never expected that. I hate him because he's everything that I'm no, and somethings I am, only so much more. He's handsome, and I hate that even I can tell. Even I can see the perfection of his face, his body and the graceful way he moves. He has that rugged appeal that women love, that rough earthy way that I don't have. I hate him because he's strong, strong and fast...and he can walk. Hell, he could probably walk a mile, 30 stories up on a beam 2 inches wide and not even blink. While I can't even move my God damn baby toe. I hate him because he's smart, smarter than me I know. I could see it in his eyes when he was here, that sharp brilliance in his eyes. The way I knew his mind was calculating every small detail and committing it to memory.
I hate him because he's part of her, he understands her, knows her, what her past was like and what demons chase her. He knows her like I never can, and realize this. I hate him because he protected her when I couldn't, because he can protect her and I just send her into danger. While he's figuring out how to protect her I'm figuring out how to coerce her into protecting everyone else. He puts her above everything and I can't do that. All I do is sit in my damn apartment, high above all the sludge and drudge of the world and make others make it a better place. I hate him because he's young, because he's still a teenager, in the prime of his life. He's the same age as her, he understands her emotions, her needs. He's young while I'm some thirty-something man lusting after a young woman who's probably at least ten years younger than I am. I hate him because he has the same wildness in him that she does, that same passion and fire that burns them from the inside. Because she is the night and so is her, while I'm the day only dreaming about what it would be like to have a simple glimpse of the night.
I hate him because he sacrificed himself for her, because he could do that and I couldn't. Because at that moment, I knew he loved her, loved her so much he would go back to hell if it meant keeping her safe. Loved her and needed her in a way I didn't think I did, or could. He gave everything he cherished to make sure that she kept everything she cherished. I hate him because when she came back everything was different, because something up there at that cabin, my cabin happened and it changed everything. Because when I first saw her again after the hospital, the love I wanted to see in her eyes was absent. Because I could see the need, the wanting to love me, to need me. Then I also saw that she wanted to love me because she thought I was safe, easy, not exciting, not passionate and world-shattering...but safe. I hate him because when she looks out into the night I know she's longing for him, realizing the passion they would have, the love that they could share. I know she wants to hate herself for it, wants to think it's horrible and repulsive and disgusting...but I know she doesn't really think so.
Most of all thought, I hate myself because I know he needs her, and she needs him but I'm too damn selfish to let it be.
Rating: PG for language
Category: Vignette
Summary: Logan reflects on Zach.
I could see the way he looked at her, his eyes caressing the curves of her face, the lines of her body. From the first moment I saw them together I knew he didn't see her as his sister. I hated him for it, hated him because he wasn't the brother he was supposed to be. Wasn't the kind of brother Max had probably always dreamed he would be. I hated, hate him because he's not what I want him to be, and it frightens me. He's a threat, a threat to what I want to have with Max and I never expected that. I hate him because he's everything that I'm no, and somethings I am, only so much more. He's handsome, and I hate that even I can tell. Even I can see the perfection of his face, his body and the graceful way he moves. He has that rugged appeal that women love, that rough earthy way that I don't have. I hate him because he's strong, strong and fast...and he can walk. Hell, he could probably walk a mile, 30 stories up on a beam 2 inches wide and not even blink. While I can't even move my God damn baby toe. I hate him because he's smart, smarter than me I know. I could see it in his eyes when he was here, that sharp brilliance in his eyes. The way I knew his mind was calculating every small detail and committing it to memory.
I hate him because he's part of her, he understands her, knows her, what her past was like and what demons chase her. He knows her like I never can, and realize this. I hate him because he protected her when I couldn't, because he can protect her and I just send her into danger. While he's figuring out how to protect her I'm figuring out how to coerce her into protecting everyone else. He puts her above everything and I can't do that. All I do is sit in my damn apartment, high above all the sludge and drudge of the world and make others make it a better place. I hate him because he's young, because he's still a teenager, in the prime of his life. He's the same age as her, he understands her emotions, her needs. He's young while I'm some thirty-something man lusting after a young woman who's probably at least ten years younger than I am. I hate him because he has the same wildness in him that she does, that same passion and fire that burns them from the inside. Because she is the night and so is her, while I'm the day only dreaming about what it would be like to have a simple glimpse of the night.
I hate him because he sacrificed himself for her, because he could do that and I couldn't. Because at that moment, I knew he loved her, loved her so much he would go back to hell if it meant keeping her safe. Loved her and needed her in a way I didn't think I did, or could. He gave everything he cherished to make sure that she kept everything she cherished. I hate him because when she came back everything was different, because something up there at that cabin, my cabin happened and it changed everything. Because when I first saw her again after the hospital, the love I wanted to see in her eyes was absent. Because I could see the need, the wanting to love me, to need me. Then I also saw that she wanted to love me because she thought I was safe, easy, not exciting, not passionate and world-shattering...but safe. I hate him because when she looks out into the night I know she's longing for him, realizing the passion they would have, the love that they could share. I know she wants to hate herself for it, wants to think it's horrible and repulsive and disgusting...but I know she doesn't really think so.
Most of all thought, I hate myself because I know he needs her, and she needs him but I'm too damn selfish to let it be.