AN: This short one shot was written more for my benefit and I will warn you it is full of angst. I'm currently suffering through a break up from my partner of seven years and its some of the worse pain I've felt in a long time. Anyway I hope you enjoy. This was written with the aid of tears and wine.
He's doing it. He's really doing it. At first I thought it was a dream of the past. But as I gradually slipped into consciousness the song became louder instead of fading. For a moment I just laid in bed and let the music wash over me, bringing with it memories of our time together in our first crappy studio apartment. Where our furniture consisted of a mattress, my orange bean bag chair from college and a keyboard I got you for our first anniversary at a yard sale. It wasn't much to say the least. Our kitchen had one counter top and we shared a bathroom with our homophobic neighbor Steve. But those nights listening to you play into the early morning hours were some of the best of my life. I never got tired of watching you play as I laid behind you and let the melody wash over me. I'd lean against your back as your fingers glided over the keys as if it was what they were born to do. Did you know I fell in love with your hands first? When I happened to glance your way in our music class first semester already enchanted by your song before becoming bewitched by the player. They were the first thing I noticed about you, how beautiful they and the song they pulled from the piano were. Every time I watch you play I'm taken back to that moment in time, when my heart fell out of my chest in into the hands that I'd come to love so much. That first time you stopped playing after feeling the weight of my stare and looked at me, I don't know what made me say the words then just that I was desperate for your song not to end. You smiled in response and I didn't know it at the time but your smiles were few and far between. The fact that I was blessed to see one before I knew your name proves more than anything that our relationship was fate. That first image was always in my mind then as I hugged you tighter and whispered in your ear those same three words begging you not to stop. You never did, at least until you finally pushed me down onto the mattress and used my body as your new instrument playing me with a skill and perfection that only you could ever manage.
Almost without my consent my body rose from the bed and made its way out of the master bedroom heading down the hall my steps muffled by the plush carpet. This apartment was so much different than our first. After our first year living together we both received promotions and after our second you received another catapulting you further into the music industry and, though I didn't know it then, further from me. I remember how excited you were as your burst through the door with your bonus check in hand. You had the biggest smile on your face as you told me you were finally going to give me the home I deserved and the family I never had. The first thing you bought with your money was a ring, a smooth platinum band beautiful in its simplicity with an inscription on the inside reading one word; Always. The same word you'd answer to my very special three. I remember how later that night after countless hours' tangle in the sheets of our bed I held that ring up to the light thinking of how it reminded me of you. Strong and beautiful without the needless jewels and shine. How hidden underneath all the strength was your love for me. The next week we were moving, we packed up our measly furniture and happy memories and left our home with smiles on our faces. Once we got here we shoved those boxes into corners and left them there forgotten, only to be replace with things that were "better" and more modern. Things that would fit our new life style, shiny and cold. That's not to say our relationship changed immediately as we arrived here but things were different. You worked more and I had a longer commute but we were still happy
Weren't we?
Our wedding day was the happiest of my life and that happened our first year here. Small and perfect on a sunny day by the waterfall. Itachi and Iruka at our sides and our friends at our backs. Later at the reception Sakura told me that your smile that day as we walked toward each other stole every women's heart. Sai showed me a picture of myself that he drew where I radiated with happiness, a living embodiment of the sun is what he titled it. He gave it to me as a gift and I hung it right here in the hall. I stopped as I passed it now and felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I hadn't looked at the drawing in so long because of this very reason. It hurt. I had failed and it hurt.
If I had to pinpoint a shift in our relationship, then it started with Itachi's death. I never realized how much influence your brother had over both of us. He was our voice of reason since as with all great love stories we had none of it. He called us passionate idiots, and he was right we were so passionate about each other it made us idiots. He was the one to point out when we were being unreasonable, when to kiss and make up when to be wrong. You pulled away and I couldn't reach you, but to be honest I didn't' know how to try. Your brother was such a big part of you it was like you were a different person after his death. I have never dealt with the loss of a family member since I came into this world without one and didn't know what to do. I didn't know to follow you into the showers and hold you as you cried, I didn't know to sit with you in silence instead of trying to fill it with endless chatter and happy thoughts, I didn't know to join you at your office when you worked late to remind you that I was there, that I cared and that I grieved as well. I didn't know that I should share in your pain instead of trying to sweep it under the rug. I didn't know.
From then on it was like we lost our rhythm, little things became bigger issues and annoyed us in a way they never had before. I got everything wrong and you closed up and lashed out, after a while I stopped trying. Me "never give up" Uzumaki gave up on the person he loved most. But in my defense it hurts to love someone so much but feel as though every move you make causes them greater pain. It hurts to watch them suffer and not know how to make it better, so instead I hid. I say that you pulled away first but I did as well, I wasn't there for you, I know that now but what good does that do me? I spent so long tearing down your walls why was it so easy to let you rebuild them? Thinking of it now makes me angry and helpless, too much time has past, too much hurt and pain. You no longer depend on me and I can't reach you. No matter how perfect our love was/is our foundation had been broken and we have nothing left to build on.
Staring at you now is painful in a way it has never been before. Seeing your beauty use to leave me breathless in awe that someone as wonderful as you would chose me. Now after all the hurt i've dealt you I feel ashamed. I've destroyed the one miracle I've ever been given and there is no way to get it back. My heart squeezed as I watch you play that old keyboard you must have dug up from storage, completely ignoring the grand piano in the corner of the living room. Your graceful fingers stroking the keys with such precision and ease. Images of those same fingers as they swept over my body with the same smooth grace . Knowing every curve, dip and groove, hitting just the right spots that made me cry out for you just as you liked. When was the last time we made love? Brief memories of silent awkward and dissatisfying encounters flow through my mind and I realize it's better to not think about it. When did we get so out of sync?
Maybe not completely out of sync. I found the divorce papers probably around the same time you noticed the packed bag in the closet.
Stirred by an old emotion, the part of me that still and always will belong to you I marched across the room, footfalls heavy on the carpet but somehow they match perfectly with your melody. Without missing a note you shifted on the seat allowing me to sit down which I do without hesitation. I wrap my arms around your shoulders and bury my head into your hair that stills smells the way that it always has. The smell, the position, the piano, it takes me back in time. God how I wish I could actually go back in time. Back before all of it and be the man you needed me to be. To never lose your trust, never let you doubt me, never let you slip away, never let you build a life completely separate from me.
To never lose your love.
The tears began to fall without my knowledge, emerging from my very soul. There's no way that you haven't noticed since the back of your shirt is already damp. But you'll pretend that they're not there, just like I'll pretend that I don't feel the droplets of water running down my arm landing with a silent splash on the keys that you never stopped playing.
We stay like this for what feels like hours locked together in a tragic tangle of limbs and listen to the last few notes play and drift away into the night. Finally we have found our way back to each other only to both realize that its too late. In this moment we are perfect and if only it could last forever maybe we could too. But for now I'll just listen and pretend that the melody, and us, never has to end.
I hear the natural conclusion to the song but you continue it into another, for my benefit or yours I don't know but you continue playing. The gold ring on your finger sparkling in the light, my platinum one doing the same. Rings that now symbolize our failure instead of our love. I smile as I think of what's underneath yours and I whisper into your ear the first and last words I'll say to you tonight. The very same that I first said and used to whisper to you on those nights sitting in our studio apartment dreaming of a future that was full of nothing but us.
Play it again, Sasuke
Play it again.