Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Chapter I
Pause.
"I can't do this anymore Evans."
ooo
James sat by the lake. He had a bottle of firewhiskey in his hand and a big purple bruise across half his face. "That was the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me," he muttered darkly, taking a drink.
Next to him the werewolf didn't say anything. This wasn't the sort of thing that could be eased away.
"I'm going to get back at him. He's going to regret this. I just have to use my head and come up with something really good."
"You know we'll help you with anything you need. I'm sure Sirius has some ideas..."
"No. This can't just be a recycled plan, this has to be fresh. I have to catch him by surprise."
"Alright."
Remus was staring at the water. He enjoyed watching the shades of blue and gray sway and wither under the moon. It was incredibly beautiful and calming, exactly what he needed to get his mind off their problems. He felt terrible for what had happened to James but part of him knew the boy had it coming. After all it was their side that had taken the joke too far, and this was just the consequence. The terrifying thing was that Severus had acted alone. He had been able to beat James single handed.
That was incredibly impressive. But it left him feeling vulnerable. After all he wasn't as fast or gutsy as James. In fact as a fighter Remus left much to be desired. If Severus had been able to defeat James so horribly he would be able to do much worse things to him. Hell, he could probably kill him.
A shiver ran down Remus's spine and his eyes rose up to the moon. "I think it's time to go back inside."
"I'm staying, don't want to see the apologetic expression on Wormtail's face when I walk in."
He stood. "Suit yourself then, I'll meet you in the tower."
James nodded and took another drink. The liquid didn't burn anymore, instead it felt strangely comforting against the cold night. His heart felt warmed, full of anger and power. Part of him felt that if he meet Snivellus again he would be able to finish him off out of pure fury. Of course if yesterday had proved anything it was that he was too cocky. He had never even been smart enough to view Snape as a real threat before.
But now things had to change. First of all he had to stop being so arrogant. And secondly he had to stop depending on Sirius and Remus. He needed to prove once and for all that he could easily defeat Snivellus on his own. Nothing matter more, not even his vow to Lily.
ooo
By the end Potter had been sobbing in a puddle of his own blood but it hand't been as satisfying as expected. Instead, Snape found himself regretting it. And all because of that look on her face. It had killed him. It was almost like she had never known him at all.
The moment that Potter fell to the ground she screamed, "What are you doing!"
And he hand't been able to face her. He had just ran away like child. He had been terrified of worsening the situation by saying the wrong thing and someone getting her to hate him even more. And she probably did. This could be the last straw. He had almost commited murder. She would never forgive that, even if it was just Potter.
Snape took a deep breath. He would take it all back if he could. He regretted having started it, and he regretted winning. Nothing was worth Lily getting hurt.
And the fucked up thing was all this was Potter's fault. Him and the idiots that followed his lead. They were the ones that had begun picking on him. But of course Lily probably wouldn't see it that way anymore. She'd probably just think he'd had it coming. Never mind that he was always outnumbered, never mind that they had always ganged up on him. They had antagonized the whole school again him, even the Slytherins, but he could taken that, he did take that, for years. It was all alright until Lily turned her back on him too. And then it all became too much.
Now he didn't have anything to loose, so why should he take it? Why should he just cower there while the four of them surrounded him? What was fair about that?
So he had struck, one to one, man to man and he, Severus Snape, the punching bag of the whole school had come out victorious. But it was wrong. He had done wrong, because in doing so he had pushed her even further away. And nothing, not even winning against Potter was worth that, because Lily, Lily was everything to him.
ooo
Lily sat at the corner of her bed, staring at the huge piles of papers and books which surrounded her. She kept herself very occupied with school work not because it was important but because she didn't want to have to think about anything else. Much less Severus or -
No, that just made her miserable. She needed to have goals, keep her focus. She needed to impress her teachers and make her parents proud. Those were the really important things and she wasn't prepared to give them up just because she was heartbroken. She refused to be that kind of girl.
"Lily are you feeling alright?" asked Mary as she entered the room.
"Fine."
"Okay, it's just you're looking very pale these days." She paused as she walked towards her own bed. "Oh, by the way I heard Potter got out of the Hospital Wing."
Lily's eyes flashed. "So, he's okay?"
Her friend nodded. "Yeah, though none of us have seen him."
"Figures," she muttered. Potter had never been defeated before, his big fat ego probably didn't even understand the word.
But for once Lily didn't think it was right to criticize him. She had seen with her own eyes what Severus had done. She had never seen magic like that. It was terrifying. As was the picture in her mind of James lying on the floor in a little ball, crying and bleeding, pale as a corpse. She had never been so scared in her life, for a few moments she had actually thought he was going to die.
If he had she would have never forgiven herself. After all it was because of her that the whole rivalry between James and Severus had begun. And she never would have forgiven Severus either. Lily knew that it was James that had begun the fighting between them but this had been the nastiest blow so far. Severus was clearly losing it.
Probably because he no longer had a reason to stay on her good side.
"Do you think James will come back to class this week? Or will he be allowed some time off?" asked Mary from her own bed.
"I don't know. I'm just glad he's alright."
"Yeah, I think everyone is, except the Slytherin Quidditch team."
Lily smiled. "I still can't believe Severus-" suddenly she stopped herself. Thinking about him would just make her upset again.
Mary looked over at her with concern. "I didn't think he could do it either. I don't know him as much as you do, but Severus never seemed that... cruel."
"I really don't want to talk about it."
"Sure. So, what do you wanna talk about?"
Lily looked down at her Astronomy notes. "Actually I should get back to work." And she did. For the rest of evening she thought of nothing but the stars and their planets because that's what she needed to do to continue leading a productive life, even if she wasn't happy.
ooo
All James wanted to do was crawl through the common room and get to his comfortable bed unfortunately however he was intercepted. "Well look who finally graces me with his presence," said Sirius in a dry voice from the armchair by the fire. He seemed rather upset, his eyes unnervingly cold.
James sighed. "What do you want? I'm tired."
"Of course you are, avoiding me is very tiring."
"I am not avoiding you."
"Is that why you had me thrown out of the Hospital Wing?"
"I didn't do that you little drama queen."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Let's not start with the insults yet. I just wanna know why you're upset at me."
"I'm not, I just needed to be alone for a little while."
"You kept Moony around."
"Well, he happens to be a little less judgmental than you."
Sirius frowned. "Judgmental? What, did you think I would blame you for what happened?"
"Not outright, but I know what everyone is thinking. I'm not clueless. I know I should have been able to win, or at least to defend myself properly."
Sirius face softened and he got up off the chair and walked towards his friends. "Is that really why you asked me to leave? James we're not thinking that. Snivellus obviously just played dirty. It's not your fault mate. I think it could have been anyone of us."
"But it wasn't - it was me and I have to own up to that."
James retreated up to the dormitory with shuffling steps but Sirius stayed behind in the darkness. He felt relieved, for a moment he had though James had found out about -
That would have been bad, like suicide bad. Everything would have changed and he couldn't have taken that. Things were fine the way the were. Not great but tolerable.
This whole year had been a little off, maybe because now the War was undeniable or maybe cause they were growing apart. There was a strange silence and an undeniable tension up in the dormitory. It was uncomfortable, specially for Sirius and none of them were exactly sure when it had begun. It now seemed they were playing at being best friends when they really had little in common.
Of course it wasn't really so bad. They were still friends, and they cared for each other but they all seemed to have bigger preoccupation's: Peter had his girlfriend, James had Quidditch, Remus was studying like a maniac, and Sirius, well Sirius was sort of depressed.
He felt strangely hollow as if she had left a hole where his heart should've been. Ending things with her had tore him apart with guilt and regret. And it still hurt him even though he was sure it had been the right thing to do. It had been necessary. Never mind that he still missed her and thought of her all the time, never mind that every night as he dreamed he could smell her lavender hair and feel the stretches of her white skin underneath his mouth.
And when he woke up, when his inconclusive dreams crashed into the darkness, he found himself with words stuffed into his mouth. Words that burned him:
"Let's meet again - anywhere."
ooo
A/N: This is a bit strange, and I think it's only going to get stranger, so if you're not into complexities this might not be the story for you. Saying that I appreciate all reviews, comments, questions, and readers.