HOPE AND DREAMS AND MEMORIES AND TRAGEDIES
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
-Thnks fr th mmrs, Fall Out Boy
As a child, Lily fears witches. She's not entirely sure why, but she thinks it's because they're different, and unusual, and as far from normal as you can get. The evil characters of fairytales, the ones who make the pages dark and scary and cause the heroes and heroines to fight. Magic is abnormal, and Petunia says that abnormal is bad, and Lily, the doting younger sister, agrees with everything Petunia says. She's afraid of the unknown.
-:-
When Lily meets Severus, she is tempted to shun him, because he doesn't look like the sort of person she would be interested in and his clothes are shabby and Petunia wouldn't approve and Petunia's mad at me for the stick already and …
But then she sees her sister's face, contorted into a grim and repulsive looking frown and she responds to his words, a smile gracing her face, because, finally, she belongs.
-:-
Lily and Petunia fight about Severus later, because Petunia is disbelieving of his wild claims about magic and Hogwarts and potions and wands. Because Tuney believes in nothing unless it's right in front of her face, Lily thinks condescendingly, and then she berates herself for thinking such horrid thoughts about her sister, because they're family, and families are meant be all warm smiles, and hugs and cooking dinner and singing together, not unpleasant thoughts and fights and wars.
"He's shabby, Lily," Petunia says, "and he lives at Spinner's End. It's preposterous that a girl from a loving family like you could be friends with someone like him." The words roll off her tongue, as though Petunia has been practising them in front of a mirror, forcing it to listen to her shallow assumptions. Lily just laughs, because the thought that this family, where her mother is always working and her father is always ensconced in his newspaper and Petunia is telling her who to be friends with is loving is absolutely preposterous.
"He has a lot of smart ideas."
"But, with a life like that, nothing will ever come of them. He'll never mean anything to you in the long run, Lily."
Lily knows somewhere deep down inside that this is true, but she isn't planning on admitting it to anyone, especially herself.
"Who says he won't. He'll mean more to me than your stuck up cheerleading friends or that fat pig Vernon will to you, anyway."
Petunia is wilting, but Lily pretends not to notice, because if she does, she will feel guilty and spiteful is much more fun.
"You're just jealous because we're going to live in a castle and have lots of exciting adventures and you'll be stuck here, boring and ordinary."
As Lily storms out, she hears muffled sobs, and she contemplates going back to comfort her sister, but then Petunia's words surge back through her body, as sharp and harsh and painful as an electrical current, and she becomes enraged and angry, but there's also some other underlying emotion amongst the mass of feelings.
-:-
She realises later that it's shame and remorse, but she never apologises.
-:-
The first time she meets James Potter, Lily thinks he is gorgeous, and she immediately begins to imagine various scenarios in which the two of them are older, and stunning, and laughing and kissing and Oh God Lily, he's looking at you, act cool and calm and collected so he thinks you're amazing.
But then he stares at Sev, with such intensity that it unnerves her. Here is someone who would never give up or give in, and that scares her, because power is easily abused, and she can easily become his target. And then he opens his mouth and her mind changes again, because his voice is as sweet and smooth as honey, dripping from the end of a spoon, and Lily becomes so enchanted by the sound that she doesn't drink in anything except it until he laughs, and the harshness of it cuts through her like a sword.
Lily has to leave then, because, while they haven't even spoken, she feels as though she is teetering on the edge of a cliff, seconds from falling and it's an exhilarating feeling and she has to get out before she topples.
"Come on Severus, let's find another compartment," she says, and doesn't look back, for fear of losing control again.
After that, she becomes determined to hate him, because he is someone who could easily sweep her off her feet and love her and cause her to self-destruct, all at the same time.
-:-
"Ooh …" the hat says, and Lily gets the strange impression that he's confused by her, like she belongs everywhere, and yet nowhere at the same time, like she has the potential to be brilliant, yet at the same time horribly and hopelessly stupid.
"You've got brains, that's for sure, so maybe Ravenclaw … but there's bravery there, so perhaps Gryffindor …"
The hat seems to mull over Lily, and she concentrates on the silence, mildly aware of the eyes boring into her, waiting for the hat to deliver its verdict. It's as though she's on trial for having a personality, and the hat is the judge.
"Gryffindor!" the hat roars finally, and cheers explode from the far side of the room. But none of that even registers, because all she can hear is her thumping heart as she gazes into Severus' imploring eyes, and sees the longing, and it chips away painfully at her heart.
-:-
Of course, he becomes a Gryffindor, and he becomes a Slytherin. She's never sure which sorting she's more disappointed about.
-:-
During her first ever Charms lesson, Lily is paired with another Gryffindor, a girl so pale and weary looking that Lily's afraid she's going to fade away like a ghost. She introduces herself as Mary McDonald.
"Are you a Muggleborn?" she asks, and there's something in her voice that confuses Lily.
Lily just nods, and continues trying to levitate her feather. By the end of the class, she's the only one to have achieved the feat, and Professor Flitwick is staring at the ghost-girl disdainfully. Lily befriends her, just out of pity.
-:-
Later, Lily realises that being friends with Mary McDonald makes her look good in front of teachers. She lets the girl tag along with her between classes. She never invites Mary to meet with her and Severus though; because that's something she wishes to keep to herself.
-:-
Lily and Severus meet every night, on top of the Astronomy tower. Lily always wonders why they don't meet during the day, but she understands that inter-house rivalries are not something that a Muggleborn like her will ever be able to fully comprehend, but it's stupid really because Severus is a more noble boy than many Gryffindors and we shouldn't be shunned and …
She never mentions any of this though, and their friendship remains a secret, tucked safely in the deepest crevices of her heart. Sometimes she thinks she would die, just melt away without Severus' friendship. He allows her to forget herself, to stop panicking about unfinished homework and losing at Wizards' chess (because those stupid pieces hate her) and to just lose herself in discussion.
"What would life be like if we didn't have magic, Sev?"
"It would be the same … you and me, meeting at night under the stars and laughing together."
She nods, but she wonders if they could ever truly be friends without the common ground of magic to bring them together.
-:-
Lily has always hated Christmas. People get lost in the spirit, and forget themselves, and everything is one big mess. You just don't like spending time with Petunia, or the references to you and red and green, the rational part of her brain would always say, but really, it goes deeper than that, into the fact that Christmas cheer always depresses her, because she herself is never cheerful enough to enjoy what others see as a slice of Heaven on Earth.
This Christmas, when she is thirteen, she escapes to spend the day with Severus, sitting in the park where they first met. They sit in a tree, and Lily shares the chocolate sent to her by Mary, and talk. They talk as though they are still in the Astronomy Tower, discussing life and hopes and futures and dreams.
"My father's a rotten bastard …" Severus says, and Lily hears the bitterness in his voice, and then he leans, and Lily, for a split second, is sure he wants to kiss her, and she is scared, but she waits for the explosion and oh god, my breath probably stinks, and …
But then he pulls away, and she sees he has untangled a leaf from her flowing red locks, and she mumbles an apology and hurries off, because she wants it, and yet she doesn't and her head is spinning and all she wants to do is sleep.
Later that night, when she is finally finished dissecting the incident (she is not entirely sure what to call it …), almost as though it were a draft of her History of Magic Essay, she realises that she loved this Christmas most of all.
-:-
James attempts to ask Lily out for the first time at the beginning of fourth year. She is tempted to say yes, not because she has any feelings for the messy-haired boy standing in front of her, but because a boyfriend will make her normal, and cause her to be the centre to f attention for a while and attract Severus' attention, which is what you want, really, isn't it? echoes the voice that resides in the back of her head. But then Severus himself stands in front of them and tells James to "piss off" and her heart leaps …
The next day, Severus mysteriously turns up in the hospital wing, boils all over his body.
-:-
He continues to ask her out after that, and she snaps at him, not because he is in any way annoying, but because she hopes that if Severus thinks she is a damsel in distress, he might come rescue her.
She tries hinting to Severus, because she can see the lust in his eyes, gleaming brightly as brightly as the lust in hers, but every time she brings up the word "girlfriend" or "date," Potter is there, and she's trying not to blush, because it's rather endearing the way he appears out of nowhere, and nothing ever comes of the Severus and Lily relationship that she longs for and wishes for.
"Have you ever considered a world where we're not friends, Sev?" she asks one day, and he shakes his head.
"No, I would be nothing without you."
It's a deep thought, and the sheer force of it blows Lily away.
"Never wanted anything other than this?" she presses, and he shakes his head again.
"Holding hands in front of everyone, perhaps …"
The hints flow think and fast, like syrup, but he never seems to recognise them, and it is friends that they remain. Lily cries into her pillow every night, wondering if anyone will ever love her, and awaiting true love's first kiss.
-:-
The first kiss she has been longing for does not come for months after the "lake incident," but she is still raw and it aches emotionally, and she is still in pain and how could he do that and why did he do that and I loved him and I hoped he loved me but he can't have …
It's with Sirius, one night after winning a Quidditch match during sixth year. Lily doesn't even remember who was playing; all she remembers is hiding under the bleachers with Katie and Christine while Severus gazed around looking for her. She knows Gryffindor won by a long shot, but that's only because James Potter is over in the corner bragging about his marvellous catches and spectacular goals.
Somewhere, dimly, she registers that she is drunk, but she thinks nothing else of it as she stumbles across the room. And then Sirius' lips are on hers and it feels so good and she responds and she is moaning "Severus, Sev" Sirius is pulling away, shocked and …
Then he throws up on her shoes and she thinks, at least he won't remember any of this in the morning.
-:-
That summer, her father dies suddenly. Moments after she opens a letter, and pulls out a Head Girl badge, screaming and jumping happily in the air, he collapses, and the floor seems to be yanked out from underneath her. He's laying there, and her brain is in overdrive and she is transfixed, able to do nothing but stare.
Of course, Petunia takes this opportunity to walk in the door and see her father and Lily with her wand and badge in her hand and of course she thinks the worst. There is an argument, in which Lily thinks the roof will blow off the house, it's that loud and powerful and then they never speak again. Lily sits in a chair in the corner of the hospital room and sobs silently as the doctors pronounce him gone. Petunia is loud and unabashed in her grief.
At the funeral, Lily remembers the letter, the one she was halfway through devouring when it happens and she opens again and …
James Potter is Head Boy.
She sits on the floor and bawls.
-:-
Lily expects the worst from James, simply because she knows he wants to be her Sev and it still hurts; even after all these months and years. But he's nice and charming and they become friends, slowly but surely. She needs someone to confide in, and he becomes it …
They kiss and become a couple eventually; it is destined to be this way. But she feels no passion really, not at first, until they continue, and eventually, Lily has to admit that James is the one she loves. It's a long process, with many a war and a many a passionate night. But they belong in each other's arms, and that's how she always wants it to be. There's marriage and babies (she knows Harry will be something special one day) and hope and dreams and memories and tragedies. But most of all, there's James and thoughts of Severus and of love. She loves James, unconditionally, and she knows that no matter what, that will never change. They belong together perfectly. But Severus was her first … her first everything really, even if they never progressed from the hazy boundaries of friendship into something more, and she will always have dear memories of him.
-:-
Her last conscious thought before she dies is I wonder how Severus is …
Because, while she's James "girl" through and through, Severus will always hold a piece of her heart, a piece she likes to imagine is the shape of a silver doe.
A/N: Yes, it's different, it's fragmented and very stream of consciousness, but I like it. I have no idea what I was trying to portray here, I think I was trying to get at the fact that there is a lot to Lily, more than means the eye, especially when it comes to her relationship with Sev. I think that while she would love James unconditionally, and that she would always want to be his, that Sev would still mean something to her, long after the "lake incident" of OotP, even if it was just because he introduced her to magic.:P Hope you like it, and please leave a review.
Cuba ...x