Disclaimer: all the characters belong to J.K. Rowling (though I wish I owned Snape) sigh
This is an edited version of the story set in Harry Potter's sixth year (written before HBP came out). To provide a bit of entertainment to the staff and students at Hogwarts, Dumbledore has allowed Colin and Dennis Creevey to host a game of 'Wheel Of Fortune'. Dumbledore insisted that the Professors be involved by being contestants. Professor Snape was especially reluctant, but finally agreed to participate after Dumbledore announced the winner would receive 200 points for their House. Enjoy!
(in crowd)
Hermione and Harry have just finished explaining to the pureblood witches and wizards around them exactly what 'Wheel Of Fortune' is.
Harry: (muttering to Ron and Hermione) I know what the answer is
Hermione: How?
Harry: Colin couldn't resist telling me and I'm mighty glad he did.
Ron: Why is that?
Harry: (evil grin) cos if Snape wins I'm gonna be extremely happy!
Ron and Hermione exchange puzzled look
Ron: er…mate…if Snape wins, Slytherin will overtake Gryffindor in the lead for the House Cup
Hermione: And why on earth would you want Snape to win?
Harry: (patting an audio recording device lovingly, which works inside Hogwarts for the convenience of this story) Just wait and see…
Colin: Hello and welcome to the Great Hall, where today we will see an exciting game of…?
Crowd: WHEEL OF FORTUNE!
Colin: Right you are!
Dennis: Before we introduce our wonderful contestants, I'd like to introduce our…erm...letter-turn-over person…and it is none other than Gilderoy Lockhart!
Lockhart comes prancing out, sporting a sparling silver suit and freshly permed hair
Colin: And how is St Mungo's treating you these days, Professor Lockhart?
Lockhart: Yes, my name is Gilderoy Lockhart!
Dennis: er…yeah…
Lockhart: I'm wearing a new tie!
Colin: Good for you, sir! Now I also have great pleasure in announcing that in our live audience, our Guest of Honour, Mr Harry Potter himself, is sitting in the front row! (claps his hands excitedly)
Gryffindors: yay!
Slytherins: Boo!
Harry: (doesn't notice – he is still patting his audio recording device lovingly)
Colin: And now I'd like to introduce our three fabulous contestants. All are staff from Hogwarts, vying for the 200 points that the winner will take away. Firstly, I'd like to introduce the head of Ravenclaw House, Professor Flitwick!
Ravenclaws: Yay!
Syltherins: Boo!
Dennis: How are you today, Professor?
Flitwick: Fine and dandy, Master Creevey!
Colin: And here is the head of Gryffindor House, Professor McGonagall!
Gryffindors: Yay!
Slytherins: Boo!
Dennis: How's life Professor?
McGonagall: Very good, thankyou
Colin: And last but certainly not least, at least in the eyes of some, is Professor Snape, Head of Slytherin House!
Slytherins: Yay!
Dennis: (shaking) er..Hi, Professor
Snape: (growls)
Dennis: eh yah!
Hufflepuffs: (muttering to each other) What about our Head of House?
A nice Hufflepuff: It doesn't matter. Since we are a bunch of lovely people, we really don't mind!
Colin: um…And on with the show! We are only playing one round, Professors, so good luck! The puzzle is a phrase ..er…that I made up!
Lockhart makes a show of prancing around the wall with the letters he has to turn around
The formation looks like this:
Colin: Professor Flitwick is spinning the wheel first. Off you go
Flitwick: (turns the wheel with a stick because he is too short)
Dennis: for 200 galleons, what letter will you choose Professor?
Flitwick: G for generosity!
Colin: Sorry Professor, no Gs
McGonagall: (spins wheel)
Dennis: for 150 galleons?
McGonagall: R for riveting
Colin: Yes! There are three Rs! Lockhart? Lockhart? Earth to Lockhart? Turn round the letters!
Lockhart: (looks up from filing his nails) Er, yes. (turns around the letters saying 'Ding!' as he turns each one)
# # RR # # # # # # R # # # # # # # # #
McGonagall: (spins again)
Dennis: for 100 galleons?
McGonagall: B for butter
Colin: Yes! There is one B!
Lockhart: Ding!
# #RR # # # # # # R # # # # # B # # #
McGonagall: (spins again)
Dennis: for 50 galleons?
McGonagall: H for Hard-working
Colin: Right you are! There are two Hs
Lockhart: Ding! Ding!
H #RR # # # # # # R # # # H # B # # #
Hermione: (mutters to Harry and Ron) I think I've solved it
Harry: (kisses his audio recording device) Excellent
McGonagall: (spins again)
Dennis: Oh no, Professor! Bankrupt!
McGonagall: (mutters something only those nearby can identify as a curse)
Snape: (spins wheel)
Colin: for 300 galleons, Professor?
Snape: T for turd
Dennis: Yes, there are four Ts!
Lockhart: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
Snape: Shut up you imbecile!
Lockhart: (sobs) My mum thinks I'm cool
H #RR # # # TT # R # # TH # B # # T
Snape: (spins again)
Dennis: for 300 galleons?
Snape: S for stupidity
Colin: There are two Ss sir!
Lockhart: (sniffs) Dong! Dong!
H #RR # # # TT # R #S TH # B # ST
Snape: (spins again)
Dennis: for 400 galleons?
Snape: P for Pathetic
Colin: Yes indeedy! One P!
Lockhart: Dang!
H #RR # P# TT # R #S TH # B # ST
Harry: (still patting audio recording device) Patience my pretty
Snape: (spins again)
Dennis: for 100 galleons?
Snape: Y for ytterbium (A/N no, this word is not in my everyday vocabulary – I consulted a dictionary for an impressive Y word!)
Colin: Yes! One Y
Lockhart: Y for my Youthful looks!
H #RRY P# TT # R #S TH # B # ST
Dennis: And that only leaves the vowels, Professor! So can you solve it?
Harry: (jumps to attention and quickly turns the audio recording device on The moment has come…)
Snape: Yes
Colin: …Well? What is it?
Snape: (sneering) I do not wish to say it out loud
Dennis: But you have to say it out loud.
Dumbledore: (stands up from somewhere in the audience) You must solve it out loud, Severus, or we will pass to the next contestant
Colin: Remember, the prize is 200 points for your house…
Harry: (whispering to himself) Come on, Professor…you can do it…
Snape: (glaring at no one in particular) Fine! (Takes a deep breath) HarryPotteristhebest
Dennis: Er…what was that Professor?
Snape: (shoots death glare at Dennis) I said…(clenched teeth) Harry Potter is the best
Harry: (switches off device and whoops with joy)
Colin: You said it Professor! 200 points to Slytherin
Snape: (flexes fingers, getting ready to strangle something)
Slytherins: (not cheering – looking stunned instead – they're not sure whether to cheer about the points or cry about what Snape just said about Potter)
Lockhart: (astonished) Harry Potter? Does he live here? Can I meet him? Oh can I?
Dennis: And just for you, Professor, we have a basket full of the best smelling shampoos!
Snape: (blinks) Shampoo?
Colin: yeah, shampoo. It's this stuff you put in your hair when it is wet to clean it-
Snape: I KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING-POTTER-WORSHIPPING-DUNDERHEAD!
Colin: (sniffs)
One day later…
Everyone is in class, except Harry and Ron who are playing truant.
Ron: he! he! he ! he!
Harry: Ssh (says 'Sonorus' to his wand, points it at his recording device and presses 'play')
Suddenly a deep voice one can easily recognise as Snape's is echoing all over the castle
Voice: HARRY POTTER IS THE BEST
Professors and students look up from their work, puzzled
Harry and Ron: (rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter)
Dumbledore: (in his office, wipes away a tear of laughter) Tee hee!
Suddenly from below in the dungeons, another 'Sonorus' is used
Snape: POTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
The End