Disclaimer: The Akatsuki rightfully belongs to Kishimoto Masashi or the How to … for Dummies.
Please R&R! This was done by Ruinsoftikal and g0o0gle3y3s! ENJOY!!
Italics: Thoughts
"How to Wipe Out Your Clan"
1) Befriend everyone in your clan, especially your little brother (if siblings are available).
2) Be super emo on the inside without letting anyone know, not even your family or best friend.
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"Wow..Itachi, you were emo from the inside out?" asked Kisame. "I never knew that. Heh..heh…maybe that's where little Sasuke gets it from."
"…."
Kisame patted Itachi on the head and said, "It's ok…everyone's emo on the inside! Like Deidara! He looks like a girl, so of course he'd be emo!"
"What did you just say….!???!?" Deidara came up to Kisame with a threatening face on.
"Umm…n-nothing…" Kisame stuttered.
"T-TAKE IT BACK!!!" Deidara shouted with tears flowing out. Everyone looked at each other with the 'WTF' face look as Deidara went to the emo corner….
"…." said Itachi
….Anyways….back to the tutorial….
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3) Seek out your clan's forbidden secrets in some family shrine.
4) Follow the instructions in the forbidden secrets to obtain power to become superman.
For example: In Itachi's case, he had to kill his best friend to obtain the more powerful version of the sharingan, the mangekyou sharingan. Now he kicks ass!
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"Niiiice one, Itachi, you killed everyone in your clan and you forgot your brother??!?! No wonder you got so many fan girls tailing you!" said Deidara.
"…"
"Oi! Answer me!! I'm giving you a compliment here, un!"
"…"
"WHY YOU LITTLE…..!!!"
Deidara lunged forward to kick Itachi's ass but Tobi held him back as best as he could.
"Calm down, Deidara-senpai!"
"BUT HE WON'T ANSWER MEEE!!" Deidara struggled like a madman to try to break free from Tobi.
"But there's no need to make a scene! Save the energy for the authors who are planning to torture us in here later!"
"Grr…..you got lucky this time Itachi…I'LL GET YOU BACK LATER!" Deidara crossed his arms and turned away with a 'hmph'.
"….." said Itachi….
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5) Once power obtained, test it by killing people in your clan to improve the control of the power.
6) Leave your little brother lying there in an emo state (if siblings are available).
7) Run away from your village dressed in black.
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"Did you really run away dressed in black, Itachi?" asked Sasori.
"…"
"Eh???? Really? I don't remember Itachi wearing black when I met him…heh" said Kisame. "Hm….Itachi….were you really wearing black?"
"…."
"Hmm…you sure? My memory's a little fuzzy…"
"…."
"HEY I'M NOT A COLOR-BLIND FISH!!!"
"…."
"GRRR…"
Everyone stared at Kisame and Itachi "arguing" with confused expressions.
"…How is this argument working exactly…." Sasori plainly asked out of the blue.
"I COULD READ HIS FACE EXPRESSIONS FROM BEING WITH HIM FOR SO LONG…" Kisame replied as he was about to strangle Itachi but right before he did, the screen went black and was ready to continue on with the tutorial…
"HEY MY ARGUMENT WITH THIS SILENT TREATMENT GUY ISN'T DONE YET!!!!"
"TOO BAD!! YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG!!!!" said the directors. And so the tutorial continues…
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8) Become an S-ranked missing-nin.
9) Don't get caught by missing-nin hunters.
10) Hear about Akatsuki and join.
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"You know, I've never heard about the Akatsuki until Sasori-danna, Itachi, and Kisame came for me! What an amazing memory….yeah…!" exclaimed Deidara. "I remember they came to me in the most beautiful outfits!! ….My god, they looked hooott…"
"Psst…is Deidara gay?" Tobi whispered to Sasori.
"I think he is…why else would he look like a girl?"
"Maybe he likes to cross-dress…"
Deidara's ears slowly picked up on the conversation behind his back and turned around and slapped the two across the face….the rest has been cut off due to violence.
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11) Become partners with a shark-like character and go after jinchuurikis.
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"HEY! Just because I LOOK DIFFERENT doesn't make me any less of a human!!" yelled Kisame.
"Heh heh…shhhhaaarrrrkkkk bbboooyyyy!!" teased Deidara and Tobi.
"Shut up!" cried Kisame.
"Don't worry, Kisame-senpai, I'm pretty sure there's a saying about Deidara-senpai too!" smiled Tobi. "Like…he looks like a girl!"
"TOBI!!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!" screamed Deidara.
"AH!! I'M SORRY!! I'M SORRY!!!" cried Tobi as he was shielding himself.
"Tobi, you better watch your mouth…you don't want to make your superiors angry. And when Deidara say he'll kill you, he'll kill you!" said Zetsu.
"I know, I know! I'm just stating the facts, like a good boy!!"
"IF YOU STATE ONE MORE "FACT", I'M GOING SHOVE THIS KUNAI UP YOUR ASS!!!!" screamed Deidara.
"AH! Ok, Ok! I'm sorry….I'll be good…."
"How to Stick to the Akatsuki Fashion"
1) Once joined…always, ALWAYS, look your damn hottest! Even in times of crisis!
2) Pein will order the uniform.
3) While waiting for the outfits, always remain calm and forward your attention to painting your nails!
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"Why DO we paint our nails?" asked Hidan.
"Who cares…it makes us look SEXY!!!" screamed ITACHI from the top of lungs who now has decided to show his true colors! ….Truly amazing that he has finally opened his mouth….
"…" from the rest of the group….while a baby off the screen was crying…
Murmurs coming from the group: "Is this really Itachi??"
"I don't know."
"Maybe it's someone disguised as him."
"Yes it has to be someone else…."
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4) Paint your nails leisurely, one by one, and make sure one dries COMPLETELY before starting on the next finger and make sure no white is showing! It must be PERFECT!!
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"That's true….Itachi does that ALL the time!" said Kisame.
Inner Itachi: "I hope they don't find out….my preeeecciiiiooouuusss nail polish!"
Suddenly Itachi starts to daydream about himself: "Flowers float all around as he lies there and paints his nails without a care in the world. His legs flinging in the air like a girl as he blows on his fingers."
Back to Inner Itachi: "Ahhhh! Feels good even when I'm daydreaming about it!!"
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5) Once dried, if you desire, you may paint your partner's nails if s/he's having trouble.
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"Oh….man, I remember I had a HELL of a hard time painting my nails if it wasn't for Deidara-senpai!" exclaimed Tobi.
Itachi in his evil corner: "It was so….EASY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!??! HOW DARE YOU SAY IT WAS HARD!!!" screamed Itachi as his eye twitched slightly.
"…."
"Easy for YOU!!" spat the frustrated Tobi.
"Nuh uh…it can be easy for anyone who puts their hearts into it!! Like meeeee…"
"….Riiight…."
"No really!! You have to feel the paint and hold it close in your heart so that it could feel safe!! Then you will be able to paint your nails correctly!"
"….Can we continue with the tutorial?…I'm getting scared…."
"BUT THIS IS AMUSINGGG!!" said the directors. All of the Akatsuki members pulled out their weapons…
"Ok Ok!! Fiinnne…."
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6) Outfits arrive a week later and everything's included…hats, cloaks, shoes, pants, clothes…you name it.
7) Put on the pants and fishnet shirt. Make sure it feels comfortable and snuggly.
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"Hey, why the hell do we all wear fishnet clothes anyways??" asked Kisame.
"Cause it's….SEX-SAY!!!" screamed Itachi, once again.
"Dude…he must be high on something." said Kakuzu.
In the background, you could see the directors with two bottles of crack in their hands and shifty eyes as they stuffed the bottle into their pockets.
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8) Put the cloak on and make sure that it always, and I mean ALWAYS, have it covering your face, except your eyes.
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"Heh…it's tougher than it sounds peeps." exclaimed Deidara. "My first time trying…man…it was hard!! I actually got tangled in the cloak trying to put it on!!"
"Wow…pathetic…" said Kakuzu.
"Hush! You didn't do so well either!"
"…Don't you dare go there…"
"Go where? TothefactthatwhenyoufirsttrieditonyougotsobadlytangledthatyoutrippedandrippedyourcostumeandneededtoorderanewoneandmadeTobihelpyouputitonwhichisveryembarassingsinceyoubothareguysandgirlswereprobablyspyingwithheartsintheireyes???"
"…."
"What's with the silence?"
"….WHYYY YOU LIIIITTTTTLLLLEEEEEE……" This scene is rated M for mature so it has been cut out since this is rated T for teens.
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9) Put on the hat and this time make sure it covers your whole face…as long as you can see through it.
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"Hey, you guys ever noticed? Wearing these cloaks only makes it so OBVIOUS that we're in some sort of evil organization, yeah! I mean come on! How can people not notice this?!??! It stands out like a bitch, un!" exclaimed Deidara.
"True….but at least people in animes always seem oblivious to the costumes…" Kisame said.
"AND…..AND IT HAS CLOUDS!! …MMMM….cloouddss…" Itachi suddenly said with a psychopathic look on his face…
"…."
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10) Once properly dressed, ALWAYS make sure you look cool in front of other people!
11) If fan girls arouses, ignore, ignore and IGNORE! ALWAYS keep your cool!
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All fan girls poke out their heads from nowhere and begin to chase the members around aimlessly. All members begin to freak out and loose their cool. Akatsuki members run around in circles and scream like little girls! "CALLMMM DOOOWNN!!!" The directors screamed but to no avail. Everyone started to trip over each other and in the end, the fan girls won the war and were all sitting on top of the Akatsuki members…people who are fan girls and are reading this story can go and join if they want. (Maniacal laughter!!!)
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12) Head out dressing all the same searching for jinchuurikis.
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(P.S. All fan girls have been erased with a giant pencil. MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
"By the way…are we EVER going to catch the nine tails?" asked Deidara.
"That's Itachi's job…leave it to him." answered Sasori.
"Heh….we'll get him….eventually…" said Kisame.
"Of course!! Then we can all CE-LE-BRATE!!! AND WE CAN SING AND DANCE AND….AND…CE-LE-BRATION TIME, C'MON!!" shouted and sang Itachi.
"Someone definitely sold him some crack…we should tie him down…." whispered Zetsu.
"GOOD IDEA!!!" Deidara said in an evil tone as he cracked his knuckles.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVEEEE!!!" Itachi screamed as he crashed through the window and ran away screaming like a little girl.
"….He'll be back…." said Deidara.
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13) Make sure you ALWAYS stand out in your own village.
Example #1: Itachi had already developed wrinkles by the time he reached the age of 20.
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Suddenly Itachi reappeared back in the studio as Deidara jumped from his seat. Deidara then remembered the example that was just mentioned.
"Turn around, Itachi, lemme see your face!" said Deidara.
Itachi went back to:
"…"
"…HOLY CRAP!!! You DO have wrinkles!! Scary…." Then suddenly Deidara was stuck in a world of zombies which was actually one of Itachi's genjutsu.
"Grr….I HATE YOU ITACHIIIIIII!!!" screamed Deidara as he started running away from the zumbies -- not a typo. He was stuck in there for about 24 hours and when he came back….Itachi was no where to be seen. He cursed under his breath and decided to wait for Itachi to come back so that he could kill him.
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Example #2: Deidara looks like some blonde chick.
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"WHAT?!!??!" screamed Deidara. "I MAY BE BLONDE BUT I'M NOT A CHICK!!! BASTARD!!!"
Deidara starts plotting something in the background….
(Authors: Crap! O.o Runs and hides)
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Example #3: Kisame is a talking, walking, blue shark who can breathe without the aid of water whose naturally blue enough to join the Blue Man's Group so there's definitely something wrong there…
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"…" Kisame said as he went to his emo corner at the back of the room.
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Example #4: Zetsu is a freaky-looking plant with a split personality that looks like a ying & yang.
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"Do you wish to die….author?" Zetsu got his weapon ready. The directors "anime sweat-dropped" and backed off slowly.
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Example #5: Hidan is a crazy ass lunatic who believes that Jashin will conquer all.
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"WHAT DID YOU SAY!??!? HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE JASHIN!!! IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN, HE WILL REIGN UPON YOU AND PUNISH YOU AND THOSE WHO SPEAK HARSHLY OF HIM!!!!"
(Authors: "Uh-huh, yeah, sure…")
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Example #6: Sasori looks EXTREMELY like Gaara except he's puppet man! And he hides himself in that freaky looking puppet which makes him look like a dinosaur…..HOW CAN HE BREATHE GODDAMITT??? Oh wait he's a puppet….then HOW DID HE OPERATE ON HIMSELF WITHOUT KILLING HIMSELF??? THE QUESTION IS KILLING MEEEE!!
"…" Sasori said.
(Authors: "Seriously, how do you survive in that thing?!?! Don't you eat? Yeah, you're a puppet…but still!!! A heart can't work in a puppet!!! There's no blood circulation!!")
"He must be SUPER puppet man!!!" shouted Itachi with a triumphant look.
"…" Sasori forms the "anime angry sign" on his head….
"…the authors must REALLY want to die…and Itachi's joke isn't funny at all…."
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Example #7: Kakuzu looks like a wannabe subzero and Kakashi, what with the mask and all. And he can SEW!!! What the hell?!?!? SEW?!?! HE'S A $!&# KILLER!!! NOT A FASHION DESIGNER!!!
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"MAYBE….I should SEW your mouth SHUT, AUTHOR!!"
(Authors run away crying.)
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Example #8: Tobi has a damn mask over his face. How the HELL can he see through that mask with one freaking hole?!!?
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"I don't, haha!"
"Wait…wait, you don't see through it??"
"… … … What are we talking about again?"
(Author saying under breath: "WTF…")
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Example #9: Konan has a giant flower on her head…which I have no clue what's it's for…maybe just for the fashion. I know she likes origami but….wouldn't the flower die after like….whatever how many days????
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"…DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY FLOWER!! Waahh…meanie…."
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Example #10: Pein has swirly eyes that looks like a lollipop! When he was little, he looked like the grudge, and he can be 6 people at once, which is TOTALLY, PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!
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"You authors…!! YOU MUST REALLY WANNA DIE!! And…what the HELL are you doing in our lair in the first place?!!?!?!? GET OUT OF HERE OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!"
(Authors poof out of the lair.)
"Hey, where'd they go?!?!"
"Over there!! AFTER THEM!!!!"
Akatsuki members chase after authors and torture them to death.
"How to Insult Tobi"
1) "SHUTUP TOBI!!!"
2) "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"
3) "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!!"
4) "DIE!!!"
5) "TOOOOOOOOO-BBBIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
6) "IF YOU DON'T SHUTUP NOW, I'M GOING TO SHOVE THIS UP YOUR ASS!!"
7) "I'M GOING TO SUFFOCATE YOU TO DEATH!!!"
8) Choke him when he does something wrong.
9) Threaten him when he speaks his mind.
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Deidara jumps in: "NO!! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!! IT HAS TO BE MORE EVIL AND MEAN!!!!!"
Authors: "SHUTUP!!! WE'RE THE AUTHOR!! NOT YOU!!!"
Deidara: "AUTHOR!!!! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE THING, I'M GOING TO SHOVE CLAY DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!"
Authors: "… YOU DARE DO THAT AND YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF THE STORY DOING WHO KNOWS WHAT!!! REMEMBER!! WE'RE THE AUTHOR HERE!! WE HOLD THE POWER TO DO WHATEVER WE WANT WITH YOU GUYS!! MUAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!"
Deidara growls under his breath.
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10) "YOU'RE DEAD!!!!"
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After this Tobi has lost all self confidence….Man we're so evil…
"How to Kill People"
1) You must do it in the most "coolest" way EVER!!!
2) You must strike handsome poses and talk for many minutes as if you're a know-it-all with your opponent for no apparent reason when you could be kicking their ass, like in Dragonball Z.
3) Scream like you're constipated when you charge.
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"HEY!! WE DON'T DO THAT!!!!" screamed Itachi. "That makes us look….like…totally unprettyful!"
"Oh yes you guys do!" argued the authors.
"NO WE DON'T!!"
"Well Naruto did it in kyuubi form before so it's foretelling that the creators are going to do the same to you guys."
"….Really?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! MY PRETTYFULNESS!!"
"….Yes it's terrible, I know…Anyways on with the tutorial…."
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4) Reveal your most powerful weapon last!
5) Say "yeah" or "un" after every life-threatening sentence you throw at your opponent. (Suggested by Deidara!)
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Deidara: "Buahahahhahaha!"
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6) Always, ALWAYS, stop in the middle of battle and have flashbacks. And no matter what, it must be an emo past!
7) Always have some weird crazy-ass looking weapon with you at all times.
For example: Kisame has that giant-ass sword on his back which seems to be triple his own weight.
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Kisame: "It's actually pretty light."
Authors: "Pretty light? Haha!! Riiight…are you just trying to sound STRONG?"
Kisame: "No no! It's true!! You wanna try it out??"
Authors: "Sure!"
And so the authors grabbed his sword but right when they did, the sword pulled them down into the core of the earth for being so heavy….
Kisame: "SEEE…LIGHT AS A FEATHER!!!"
Authors (while burning): "Someone kick Kisame out…."
Deidara: "OH! OH! I WILL I WILL!! CAN I?? CAN I???? PLEEEAASSSSEEEEEE?????"
Authors: "Of course you may."
Deidara: "YAAAAAAYYYYY" (Deidara gets a huge boot and kicks Kisame in the butt all the way back to China…) "….Erm…Yea… let's get on with the tutorial shall we?"
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8) Always have a 10 minute intermission with the opponent before the battle actually begins.
9) Make sure there is a scary theme song playing in the background to build up the tension.
10) ALWAYS stall your battle for over more than one episode! ALWAYS switch to some other scene in the episode and when it switches back, make sure you're still in the same EXACT position as if nothing has happened.
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"Oh yeah….every single fighting scene in every single anime does that! Haha!" said Itachi in drunken mode.
"Yea I know!! I wonder why…" wondered Tobi.
"We may never know….only Jashin knows the answer to that!" replied Hidan.
Back at the Naruto anime making studios…
"BUAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! The characters don't know why we do that still!!! Our plan is perfect!! PEERFECTTT I TELL YOU PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERFECTTTTTT!!" said an anonymous person.
"What exactly IS our plan?" asked another anonymous person.
"WHAT KIND OF PARTNER ARE YOU TO NOT KNOW OUR PLAN OF BEING ABLE TO CONTROL TIME THROUGH ANIMES SO THAT IT WOULD SOMEHOW JUMP INTO THE REAL WORLD SO THAT WE CAN USE IT FOR OUR OWN SELVES AND FREEZE TIME TO SWITCH TO A NEW SCENE AND COME BACK IN THE EXACT SAME AREA SOMEHOW!!!! YOU ARE FIRED!!!"
"FIRED??!! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!! AND I LOVED YOU TOO!!"
"NO!! I am sorry! I can't be with you! This must end now!!"
"How can you be so heartless!!?!!" The 2nd anonymous person starts to cry. Suddenly the authors come in and lectures the two anonymous people…
"FOLLOW THE DAMN SCRIPT YOU IDIOTS!!"
"B-But he broke my heart!!!" said the crying anonymous person. At that point the authors decided to erase the scene with a giant pencil so that we could get back to the tutorial when suddenly the Akatsuki members walked in with weapons drawn out.
"We have been talking behind your backs, authors! And we have decided to revolt!" Pein said with a threatening tone in his voice.
"Yeah! You two should go to hell right noooow!!!" Deidara said with a glare.
The Akatsuki members crept up to the two authors ready to kill and then out of nowhere, one of those random chase music starts to play as the authors starts running for their lives.
"EVERYONE WHO IS AN AKATSUKI FAN READING THIS, JOOINN UUUUSSSS!!" Itachi screamed. And so….the authors have been chased out of the studio with the killer Akatsuki members at their tail….and that is the end of the tutorial….or is it? DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
Hope you guys enjoyed it!! Please R&R!!! (Happy face)