Hunting the Jabberwock
By Ophilia LeNoir
Disclaimer: Alice in Wonderland is copyrighted to Lewis Carroll and Disney, "Jabberwocky" is Lewis Carroll's, and Brer Rabbit is Disney's. Reginald belongs to bri-chan and rain who write "When Curiosity Met Insanity." The inspiration for this particular fic came from "Touch" by bri-chan and "green" by lily-fox. (see my profile for links)
On to the story.
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"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
Reginald L. Theophilus (the third), otherwise known as the Mad Hatter, was desperate. Everything he had tried to win over his precious Alice had failed. Nothing he could do would make her succumb to his wiles. He tried his masterful pick up lines, his beautiful (read highly off-key) singing voice, his amazing dancing technique, but nothing got through to her.
He was at a low, but never one to give up; Reggie began to think of the other Disneyland couples. What had all those princes undergone to win the hands of their fair ladies? Why, they had defeated some sort of evil, of course! Prince Philip had battled Maleficent in dragon form, Prince Eric had driven a splintered ship into Ursula's gut, Robin Hood defeated Prince John, the Beast threw Gaston off the castle, The Prince Charmings (Cinderella's and Snow White's, respectively) did… well… nothing all that spectacular… But that was beside the point! Reginald L. Theophilus the Third would defeat an ultimate evil and gain the heart of the lovely Alice Liddell! He would… Oh, look, a penny…
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
After pocketing the penny, and careful deliberation, Reggie decided to battle the Jabberwocky that lurked out in the Tulgey Wood. He knew of Alice's fear of the beast, since the first time she read that poem about it. He would slay the Jabberwock and bring back its head, and Alice would swoon into his arms, talking about how brave and handsome and dashing and clever he was. Reggie grinned at this prospect and hurried home to find a weapon.
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"Can you please just explain to me, what, exactly, you are looking for?" The March Hare (known to his friends as "Ears") was asking Reggie, as Reggie was throwing numerous objects out of his closet, muttering to himself.
"I'm looking for a sword," Reggie replied; as if that was answer enough.
"I see," Ears responded, "And, why, pray tell, do you need a sword?"
"Because I need it to win over Alice."
"Threatening her isn't going to help your case, Reg."
Reggie stuck his head out of the closet with a look of indignation. "I am not going to threaten her! I'm going to slay an ultimate evil that plagues her life!"
Ears looked puzzled, "Moths that eat her books? Reg, you don't need a sword for that, bug spray will do nicely."
"I'm not talking about moths, silly," Reggie said, disappearing back into the closet, "I'm going to slay the Jabberwock."
Ears paused for a moment in stunned silence. He's going to slay the- WHAT?!
"Um… Reg… I somehow don't think Alice would fall in love with you if you were… you know… de-"
Ears was cut off by Reggie (who had apparently not been listening) emerging from the closet triumphantly, holding aloft a cricket paddle. "Here it is! This is the implement I will use to defeat that dreaded Jabberwocky and remove fear from my pretty little Cricket's mind!"
"Have you been making felt hats again lately, Reg?" Ears asked.
"As a matter of fact, I just finished one this morning. Why?" Reg responded, nonchalantly.
"Oh… no reason…" Ears stated, a horrible feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.
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"He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought."
Reggie had been wandering in the woods for hours, looking for his foe. He was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't his best idea, particularly since he was missing teatime. But then, since his time was permanently stuck at teatime, if he wasn't having tea, he was always missing teatime, right? Oh, what a strange world of paradoxes our hero lives in. At any rate, his stomach was rumbling and that was reason enough to regret this wild Jabberwocky chase. But no! He must find the Jabberwocky, or Alice would never love him. That was the ultimate goal, right? Or was he going to eat the Jabberwocky for dinner… He couldn't quite remember… One way or another he had to find the Jabberwocky and ask Alice to dinner. Wait…
In trying to get his addled mind in order, Reggie came to rest under a tree. Unfortunately, he didn't realize he was also settled next to a brier thicket.
"And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!"
"Right! I need to find and slay the Jabberwocky so Alice will love me! That's what I'm here for!" Reggie suddenly proclaimed, to no one in particular after about fifteen minutes of debating. He jumped up from his seat beside the tree, to once again hurry off into the Tulgey Wood, when something caught at his coat.
"One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back."
"IT'S THE JABBERWOCKY!!" Reggie yelled in terror. Wild-eyed, he blindly whirled around with a war cry (that sounded sort of like a cat being strangled) and hacked at the thing that had a hold of him. He felt its sharp claws slashing his skin and burying its sharp quills in him.
Somewhere in his fury, his hat fell off his head and somehow rolled into safety. At last, the thing ceased to attack him, and his vision again returned to normal. He gazed on his foe, breathing heavily, and discovered he had killed… a briar patch.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" a very disgruntled voice came from somewhere around Reggie's feet. He looked down helplessly at Brer Rabbit, who was looking back up at him in a very accusing manner.
"I was trying to kill the Jabberwocky?" Reggie responded, sheepishly.
"What you killed," Brer Rabbit informed him, "Is my home! Now get on outa here!"
Reggie picked up his oversized hat and (for once) did as he was told, feeling very foolish indeed.
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy."
Reggie was kicking himself. Well, not in reality, if he had tried to do that he would have looked even more foolish than he already felt. Instead he decided just to go back home and mention nothing of this to Alice. Best if she didn't find out about this misadventure. What would she say if she saw him like this? She'd tell him what a fool he was to ever think he could win her heart she'd say-
"Reginald! What happened?"
That sounded entirely too realistic to be in Reggie's head. Maybe his imagination was improving?
"Mr. Theophilus, you look terrible, what happened to you? Answer me now!"
Reggie looked up to find Alice Liddell, the object of his undying affection looking at him with concern. Maybe there was hope after all?
"Well, I-" he glanced down at his now ragged clothes, covered in thorns. His gazed went over his cricket paddle. He wilted momentarily, then remember, he was a Theophilus!
He straightened up, looked Alice in the eye and stated, assuredly, "I went out to slay the Jabberwocky that has been haunting your existence, my lady."
He made an attempt at a low bow, but the multiple thorns in his body prevented that from happening. As he bent his torso, he felt them press more deeply into him and stopped midway to yelp in pain.
"Unfortunately, I met up with a dastardly briar patch instead," Reggie finished, weakly.
Alice looked over the poor hatter's form, noting just how many thorns were stuck in him (and how large they were). She sighed, looking into his face. "You really are hopeless, aren't you?" She said, in a soft, somewhat frustrated, yet somehow tender voice.
Reggie deflated a bit as she started walking ahead of him. But looked up when he heard, "Well, come on!"
He was confused and it showed on his face. Alice walked back, gingerly took his arm, and said, "We've got to get those thorns out of you, before you get infected. Now, come on."
Reggie was in bliss- well aside from the whole, thorns-digging-into-his-body thing. Maybe he did have a chance after all!
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"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
The antiseptic stung like hell, and the feeling of each individual thorn being pulled from his skin felt worse then it felt when they had lodged themselves there in the first place. On top of it all, he was being scolded.
"What were you thinking? You could have been killed. Are you really that stupid?! Don't you ever, EVER frighten me by doing something like that again! Are you hearing me?" Alice was saying, as she "doctored" his wounds.
At least she was worried, Reggie thought, though how worried he wasn't sure. He did wish she would stop scolding him though… Maybe if he-
"Reginald? What do you have to say for yourself?" Alice asked.
Reggie leaned over and kissed her suddenly on the mouth. Catching her off-guard. When he pulled away, he waited, curiously, for a response… any response. She just stared at him very forlornly for a moment. Great, he thought, Now she's going to run off and call me all sorts of names and we'll go through all this same hullabaloo—
Reggie found himself with a sobbing Alice on his chest, and intense pain in his wounds. "Ow! OW!! Ouch!" he yelled, wishing this closeness could have come in better circumstances. Ah well, beggars can't be choosers.
Fin
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