Tasha paced the hall outside of her quarters. Data had unexpectedly shown up and politely asked her to leave, saying that he had "a surprise" for her. Tasha liked surprises as much as the next person, but that had been nearly an hour ago. She hadn't taken her android friend seriously when he'd suggested that she occupy herself with an activity for at least that long. Now, she'd been lurking outside of her own door for a good twenty minutes, and she knew it looked odd.
Two mustard-clad security crewmembers passed by and waved. She nodded to them. They looked back at her just before they turned the corner, with hints of uncertainty on their faces. The Enterprise had just returned from the Neutral Zone, after nearly the entire ship's complement had been brought low by a fast-spreading virus. Tensions were still running a little high on the ship. Tasha was sure that her loitering and agitated pacing did nothing to help.
She pressed the triangular announcement button on her door panel. "Can I come in yet?"
"Not yet. A few more minutes," Data's calm voice replied over the intercom.
She rolled her eyes. She felt ridiculous – locked out of her own room. What could he be doing in there?
She went back to pacing. Two junior science officers passed by, and one hesitated and returned. "Is everything all right, Lt. Yar?"
"Yes, Ensign. I'm just…ah…waiting."
The other science officer joined his companion. "Waiting, sir? Is there a security problem?" he asked.
"No, not at all. Everything is ship-shape." Tasha gave the two young men a reassuring smile.
"Yes, sir." They walked away, quietly talking over what the security chief was sure would be conspiracy theories.
As soon as they had turned the corner, she pressed the announcement button again. "Data, I'm coming in right now, whether you like it or not!"
"Enter," his voice said placidly through the intercom.
"My own damn cabin," Tasha grumbled. She walked through the doors that opened automatically, and was taken aback by what greeted her. The lights were low and had an amber cast, rhythmic, drum- and bass-heavy music was playing over the speakers, and spread out over her living room and dining room tables was a mind-boggling array of exotic items. She was surprised, all right. "Data, what is all this?"
He stood between the two tables, his arms crossed behind his back and a subdued expression of satisfaction on his face. "Since our mission to Angel One, I have been researching the concept of the aphrodisiac. I have uncovered a fascinating mélange of folklore, untested theories, hard science, documented psychological effects, placebo effects, and superstition."
Tasha looked around pointedly at the transformed room, usually so Spartan and unadorned. "And?"
"And, I have come to the conclusion that I may have been remiss in utilizing the trappings of titillation in our relationship," he went on.
Tasha put her hands on her hips. "Data, I specifically asked you not to make any romantic gestures with me. They're not my style."
"On the contrary, Tasha. Items with purported aphrodisiacal qualities pertain strictly to the science of arousal. Romance does not enter into the equation," Data replied primly.
A smile quirked one corner of Tasha's lips. He was so clinical about it. She decided to play along. "Okay, so what have you found out?"
Data seemed eager to report his findings. "I have discovered that humans enhance sexual pleasure not only by stimulating the olfactory nerves, but also the auditory, visual, tactile, and gustatory senses. For example," he took her by the elbow and led her to the small, circular dining room table. "Raw oysters are considered aphrodisiacal, not for any properties that can be consumed, but for their resemblance to human female anatomy."
Tasha's lip curled. "You're right, Data: there's nothing romantic about this at all. Those aren't real, are they?"
"Of course not. Everything you see here has been furnished by the replicator," he said proudly.
Tasha sniffed the air. An unfamiliar scent was wafting by. "What's that smell?"
"Pumpkin and cinnamon, scents that are statistically proven to enhance arousal, especially in human women," Data replied.
Tasha sniffed again. "I guess it doesn't reek too bad." She surveyed the smorgasbord on her dining room table that usually held little more than a sandwich and a cup of coffee. "Data, my taste in food is kinda plain. I don't even recognize half this stuff." She picked up an odd utensil from its place in a golden-brown liquid inside a clear globe. It was a dowel with a little ball on one end, and a larger sphere corrugated in layers on the other. The viscous amber liquid spun off the larger end of the utensil in a continuous stream. "What's this?"
"It is honey," Data replied, "A condiment of high monosaccharide glucose and fructose content, made from floral nectar regurgitated by Earth bees. Its suggested use in this context is application to the surface of the body."
Tasha put her forefinger in the thinning golden stream and then put her finger in her mouth. Too sweet. She touched her finger and thumb together, and the honey made a tacky, gooey mess. She made a face. "Don't even think about it," she said firmly. Tasha pointed her sticky finger at a trencher of teardrop-shaped green fruit. "What's that?"
"Figs," Data replied.
"And that?" She pointed at a dish of long, bright red plant pods.
"Chilies."
"I know what that is," she said, indicating a dark brown bar divided into squares. "Troi keeps trying to convince me that it's good, but it's too sweet for me. I'd rather have something salty."
Data picked up a tiny dish of black, glistening globules and a mother-of-pearl spoon. "Caviar is salty," he offered.
Gamely, Tasha took the miniature spoon and dipped it in the shiny mound. She put a smidgen of caviar in her mouth and scrunched up her face. After a moment, she swallowed with effort. "Blah! It's gross. What the hell was that?"
Data looked slightly disappointed. "It is the unfertilized roe of a sturgeon, a type of Earth fish."
She stared him down, her blue eyes cold. "You're kidding, right?"
He innocently shook his head no.
A magnum of Champagne was chilling in a bucket of ice, and Tasha helped herself to a glass. The synthehol helped dilute the strong taste in her mouth. "Alright, well, I'm not really that hungry, so what else did you have in mind?"
Data led her to the low living room table. "These items are aphrodisiacal in that they stimulate the senses in a novel fashion."
Tasha picked up a long feather quill and tickled Data's nose with the fluffy end. His expression did not change. "I have prepared this surprise with the understanding that none of these items would have an effect on me, of course."
She tried to tickle him again, without getting a reaction. "So, when do we start experimenting?" she asked archly. She dropped the feather and picked up an opaque silk scarf. She raised her eyebrows at Data.
"A blindfold," he responded to her implicit question.
"Uh, no. I like being able to see you." She put down the scarf and picked up a fun-fur lined pair of old-fashioned handcuffs. "No." She put them down and picked up one of two small black cones with sequined tassels on the pointed ends. She leveled a look at the second officer. He gave her a forced smile. "Absolutely not," she said, and flicked it back onto the table.
"Data, I don't get it. When you tried that perfume, I thought you said you didn't understand how stimulation of sensory nerves could affect the enjoyment of sex," Tasha went on.
"True, I did not," he admitted. "But I have since completed enough research to increase my understanding."
The staunch security chief looked over the elaborate spread and shook her head. "At the risk of sounding close-minded, I think you went overboard."
Data's shoulders slumped slightly, a significant departure from his usual ramrod-straight posture. "You do not like my surprise."
"Oh, don't pout. I didn't say that. You obviously went to a lot of effort. It was nice of you," she said hurriedly.
"I am not capable of pouting," Data rejoined. "But this is not the first time that I have been criticized for overzealousness."
Despite his denial, Tasha was sure that he was choosing to look sulky for a good reason. "Wait a minute – was there something else?" she asked.
Data considered, as if he were thinking of a suitably evasive answer. Instead, he went into her bedroom, and returned with a frilly piece of lingerie on a hanger.
Tasha took one look and burst into laughter. At Data's offended expression, she tried to stop herself, but only laughed harder. The contrast between the android's proper uniform and the lacy little confection he held was too much. Finally, she got out, "Is that for me? To wear?"
Data's expression went completely blank. "Yes. It is called a 'baby-doll teddy.'"
Tasha took the hanger from him. Her voice went up an octave. "It's pink. And it's got ruffles." She handed it back. "What were you thinking?"
"My thought process, based on my research, was that humans are stimulated by play-acting in roles that juxtapose their own personality traits," Data replied neutrally.
Tasha got a hold of herself and thought it over. "So, you thought it might be fun if I tried looking super feminine, for once?" she asked.
Data's eyebrows contracted. "In a sense. I did not intend to debase your personal tendencies."
"No, no, I didn't take it that way. You're right. I don't always have to be a warrior." She shrugged. "Though it's hard not to be. Security's my job."
Data nodded. "Computer: stop music. Resume normal illumination." The rhythmic sounds and amber glow were replaced by silence and the regular blue-white overhead lights. "I am sorry that my surprise was not to your liking," he said quietly.
Tasha took his hand. "I wouldn't say that. It's the thought that counts. I like that you thought about doing something special for me." She kissed him lightly on the lips. "Now, what do you say I help you put this stuff in the dematerializer?"
"As you wish," he agreed.
Tasha picked up an unassuming-looking pyramid-shaped tube from the living room table. "What's this?"
"It is a capsaicin-based emollient. It warms on contact with the skin," Data replied.
Tasha raised an eyebrow. She unscrewed the cap and held the transparent container out to the android. Then she pulled back the sleeve on her left arm and held up her wrist to Data, smiling all the while.
He tilted his head to one side. At her encouraging nod, he squeezed a tiny droplet out on two pale fingers. He rubbed the shimmering liquid into Tasha's upraised wrist, at the point where her pulse throbbed, just below the pads of her palm.
Her smile widened. "Oooh." She looked Data in the eyes. "This one we can keep. Y'know, Data, I think a little bit of aphrodisiac goes a long way."
She smiled at him until he smiled back, a shy, lopsided one. "Perhaps you are correct," he said.
"I know I am. Now, you said something about experimentation?" she asked, one eyebrow up.
"So I did," he agreed.
"Maybe clean up can wait." She pulled his head to hers and kissed him, gently at first, but more insistently as he put his hand in her short hair and opened her lips with his. When he let her go, she looked up at him through half-closed eyes and leaned her weight against him. "I gotta tell you, Data. I think what we have is good on its own."
He nodded and led her into the bedroom, his arm around her waist. The doors whooshed shut behind them.
A/N: This extremely silly little piece was inspired by the exchange between Troi, Riker, Yar, and Data in Angel One, after the teaser. It's such a well-acted bit, when Data smells perfume for the first time. I guess that means you can't wear it on a starship – good thing, too – can you imagine the recycled smell of 800 different colognes? Anyway, I made the mistake of thinking too hard about what Data would do after being introduced to the concept of an aphrodisiac, and the thoughts became an out-of-control plot bunny. Ares is the Greek god of war, Aphrodite, the goddess of love. I think it's funny, who represents whom in this story.