i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
nine inch nails
unconventionality
by eve
[It was never because I didn't love you, Hatsuharu. And it was never because I loved him more. But you have to understand that every time we kept trying to get back together, all you could see was… her. And I might have been selfish in trying to keep you here with me, but you were never happy. So go, go tell her the truth. She's in love with you, you know.]
She could sense him even before he had arrived at Shigure's house. Mother had used to tell her it was one of her greater gifts, just knowing the right moments and the fact she could do it with just about anyone was amazing. But with Hatsuharu, she could distinguish him even in the largest of crowds. It was nothing like a smell or anything , but the change in air and how she reacted to it. Even when they had first met, she had consequently been drawn to him. Her heart fluttered. Her hands shook. She flushed. She really couldn't explain it very well, but only in the simple truth that she loved him.
She sighed. She couldn't really remember the exact time she had fallen in love with. Perhaps it was when she first met him, the gentle gaze that he had bestowed on her even as he hugged and leered at her with words. Or maybe it was when he had transferred to school. She didn't remember. But all she knew is that, Hatsuharu had brought her the same feelings Mother had talked about when she would relate memories of her Papa. The only problem was that Hatsuharu was in love with someone else. And that someone, he could touch and be happy with.
Tohru leaned back against the tree, laying her book in her lap. It was very rare that she had time to herself in the Sohma household. Shigure and Yuki were at Tokyo University for an interview that Yuki had for next year. Kyou had opted to go to the mountains for a weekend for more training. He had hesitated leaving her alone, due to her accident-proneness, but since the other two would only be gone for the afternoon he had left. And besides, she had practically grown out of her awkward phasing. But it wasn't to say that she minded company, but even moments to herself were nice. She could relax. She could think. She could do the little things. Mother said that everyone deserves a quiet moment to themselves.
She picked up her book from her lap, her eyes drifting to the words. Why was he here anyway? She could now see him walking slowly towards her from the house. She chuckled softly as she raised her head to take in the sight of him. Hatsuharu was always impeccably dressed for any occasion, whether it be school or a walking in the park. And like any normal eighteen year-old girl, Tohru didn't mind the black leather pants that clung tightly to his body like a second skin. That and those tight t-shirts that he wore. Hey, she was only human.
"Tohru."
She frowned at the tone of his voice. Dark and unwavering, but the same time he sounded… her eyes widened… passion. Warning bells went off in her head as she racked her brain for a logical explanation for why Hatsuharu had completely dropped any of his usual formalities.
"Hatsuharu-san," she started softly.
But he cut her off, "May I?"
Tohru nodded and scooted over to make room for the taller boy. She pulled her large sweater tighter against her body to combat the rising wind, mentally berating her racing heart. She studied him for a moment, taking in his form. He looked tired, she mused. The darker circles under his eyes were becoming more defined. And he looked so tense, she could see the knots in his shoulders so clearly. Something must of happened, she realized.
"Is there something wrong with Hatsuharu-san?"
She gently placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to him to jump and flush. Wide-eyed, Tohru withdrew her hand but was stopped by Hatsuharu who grabbed it in his own. He brought her fingers up to his lips, slowly kissing each finger tip tenderly.
"I apologize. It's been a long day."
She shook her head, worried that somehow she had pried where she shouldn't of have. It was a bad habit, she admitted. But he looked so tired… but then, at the same time there was this other look. It was a look she had gotten pieces of ever since she had met him. A smile. Glazed eyes. A pat on the back. Sometimes she could still feel the warmth from his arms from the hug he had give to her when she had first seen him turn Black.
"Can I ask you a question?"
She jumped, eyes wide at being caught off guard. She nodded vigorously. "Of course… Hatsuharu-san can me anything. What would Hatsuharu-san like to know?"
[I love her, Rin. I can't let her go. I can't even stand to see Yuki, Kyou, or even Shigure be near her. I want for me. I want to just for me. I would give anything to see her smile for me.]
He leaned closer to her and she flushed, his closeness quickly becoming overwhelming. His gaze was warm, but at the same time fervent. He brushed a loose strand out of her face. His hands were warm. Her cheek rested against his large palm.
"Tell me, Tohru-kun… what's it like to be in love with someone? Because apparently, I don't know very well."
Her eyes widened. "Who---who told Hatsuharu-san this?"
He chuckled at her distress, his eyes reflecting his amusement. "Iie, iie. You should worry yourself about anything. I merely wanted to ask Tohru-kun about something I talked about in school."
She calmed down a bit. Well, in that case then. She sighed. "Being in love can be a wonderful dream and then your darkest nightmare. No one, including yourself, can control who you fall in love with. It comes down to fate, I suppose."
He shook his head, unpleased with her response. "Ma, ma. Tohru-kun, I want to know your response to the matter. I want to know how you feel."
"Me?" she asked incredulously. "Why on earth would Hatsuharu-san want to know how I feel? Hatsuharu-san is the one in love with his lovely girlfriend. Shouldn't I be asking you?"
He withdrew his hand from her face and she shivered from the loss of contact. Hatsuharu searched her face and then leaned back against the trunk. She watched him anxiously. He was acting so strange…
"What are you reading?"
She picked up her book, her fingers dancing through the worn pages. "Jane Eyre," she responded. "It had belonged to Mother. She used to read it to me when she was pregnant with me. Papa had brought it home from one of his trips to London."
He looked surprised. "This is the first time I've heard you speak about your father."
Tohru smiled sadly. "I don't have much memories of Papa. A few bits and pieces… Souvenirs… The few things Mother had told me about him. I have so much of Mother to hold on, but… Papa," she held up the worn copy of Jane Eyre. "I feel like I can't share what I have of him. I have to be selfish with Papa and my memories… I don't know how to explain it really. I just--- There isn't very many people who would understand, I guess."
"But you just told me… Does that mean Tohru-kun trusts me?"
She blushed and ducked her head. "I trust Hatsuharu-san very much so."
They sat in silence. Hatsuharu leaning against the tree with his eyes closed and she watching the leaves being carried by the wind. She could still feel the heat radiating from her face. She had given a piece of herself away… and it felt wonderful. She felt as if she could breathe a little easier.
"So do you think Jane Eyre is an unconventional love story?"
She jumped. He was staring again.
She licked her lips. "Any love story is unconventional, I think."
"Even the dime store smut Shigure-baka writes?"
Tohru laughed. "Even Shigure-san's bolder pieces are unconventional. Falling in love isn't supposed to be something that has a guide book or that is boring. Love is supposed to take you by surprise. That's what makes Jane Eyre such a wonderful story. She did not expect to fall in love. She didn't expect to be drawn to him like she did… kind of like Mother and Papa."
"But they had a hard time," he argued.
"You read Jane Eyre, Hatsuharu-san?"
He blushed and she laughed with
delight. "I did…"
"There's nothing wrong with liking the story. Papa loved the classics. Papa loved all sorts of books… That was part of his attractiveness, Mother used to tell me. Papa and his stories. Papa and his knowledge of life. Of all the little memories I have him, I learned so much."
"Like what love is?"
She nodded. "More like what a type of love is. Papa loved me. Mother loved me. That's one type of love. A comforting love, I guess. The type of love people associate with things that remind them of home."
"And in the romantic sense?"
"It's different for everybody because everybody has different ways of showing how the feel. Sometimes some people don't know if they're in love…"
"So," he breathed, inching closer to her. She could feel the warmth spread across her cheeks as a blush. Jane Eyre dropped into her lap, the old book momentarily forgotten. Her eyes were wide as he brought his hand to run through her hair. She shivered. "So Tohru-kun, what do you think love is then?"
"You can't describe it," she whispered, watching in fascination as he brought his nose to inhale the strands of her hair caught between his finger tips. She place her hand over her heart, hoping to calm the sporadic beating. "No one can give you a precise description of how love feels or what it is. It's different for everyone…"
"I'm not asking for everyone."
He brushed his lips across her forehead. He was so close…
"I'm asking for yours…"
She whirled around, her face brighter than cherries.
[Do you love her?]
I love him, she thought to herself. But…
[What's holding you back?]
"Tohru…"
[I'm afraid…]
She tucked her knees under her chin, her hands outstretched and clasping her book in front of her as if it were the most precious thing before her. The air was all of the sudden so cold. She felt his presence again, his hand creeping to her shoulder and exposing her neck for him to devour.
"It hurts," she choked out, her voice watery and full of emotion.
His hand stilled.
"It hurts. And there are times where I feel like I can't breathe. I just know sometimes. It's there and I'm always going to know… I can't live with out this feeling. Because… well, once it's gone there's no point."
He was quiet. She took a deep breath and decided that maybe there was nothing to lose in putting her heart on the line for him. Mother had done the same thing for her Papa. Why couldn't she? A small voice in her head told her that he was still in love with Rin, but she felt… she didn't know what she felt. The words had started to leave her lips, it was too late to go back now.
"It hurts to feel… to be in love, but then at the same time it's the most wonderful feeling. You're on air. The world could stop and you wouldn't care. You feel beautiful… you know beauty. Life becomes so much clearer both the lighter and the darker aspects."
"It screams at you," he said suddenly. She whirled around, here eyes wide. "It fucking screams at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm fucking schizophrenic. It's always screaming…"
Hatsuharu reached out and tilted her head to look up into his eyes. His fingers grazed upon her lips with his gaze intense. She trembled at the fury of emotions in the air.
"But I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything," he murmured.
"Because there's nothing like it…"
His lips curved into a smile. "You want it so bad, but you're afraid that it'll never be returned."
"But how do you know?" Her voice was a whisper now. His eyes were so bright and then she knew. A smile crossed her lips, bright and warm. A slender hand reached up and traced the contour lines of his face. She brushed his hair away from his face. "That's what love is about, Haru. Love's about taking those chances…"
He inched closer, his lips a mere fraction away from hers. She was suddenly unaware of the environment around her… only of Hatsuharu, his hands, his lips, and his intoxicating closeness.
"Are you willing to take that chance, Tohru-kun?"
"Hai," she breathed. "Always, Haru. I'll take the chance with you."
He brushed her lips against her own and she felt the world stop. He pulled back and she whimpered, then he crushed his lips to hers. Her mind was a whirl. Questions, thoughts… nothing had any meaning. She pulled back, his eyes peering into her own. A smile crept into his face.
"How's that for unconventionality?"
fin
author's notes:
I'm on a kick, what can I say. For some reason I can't get the Haru/Tohru paring out of my system… completely open to suggestions I suppose. Then again, I've got to completely get off this WAFF kick as well…
Several things, first. I picked Jane Eyre simply because I love the story and I do own a worn copy that's lying somewhere around my house. ^_^;; Old books are very romantic in my opinion. So when I found my copy, I had been watching Fruits Basket again, so I guess you can say I was struck with an idea.
Secondly, I think that Tohru's a natural observant person and so she feels and views emotions in a completely different perspective. I tried to keep some of that naiveness on both parts in retrospect. But I also wanted to maintain angst within the piece on both parts. Tohru's the kind of person that will hurt so that other will not so I think that even though Tohru would never admit her feeling unless goaded into, she would express them with a kind of quiet wisdom. Also, I wanted to maintain some sort of cross between a suave Hatsuharu with a blushing Hatsuharu. I think that Tohru, unlike Rin, brings a different aspect of a relationship into question so that it's completely new for him.
Lastly as for the [-] italics, that's just a flashback conversation between Rin and Haru-chan *glomps* and cutting the string. I think it's fitting that it would be Rin to push Haru towards Tohru, with much reluctance, but to see him happy. The other choice was Yuki, but Rin jumped into my mind first.
Review por favor!