What Should Have Been

Warning: This is not an EO story, nor will it ever be. However, there will be a strong EO friendship present throughout the story.

Olivia finally had learned the meaning of the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." As she looked back on the last thirteen years of her life, she realized that everything had worked out the way it was supposed to happen. Now, in 2013, she was living a fairy tale with three beautiful children and the perfect husband. How could she have it any other way? Unfortunately, she hadn't always had that line of thinking…

Early 2000

He was gone. Olivia felt a sense of relief come over her as she looked at Brian Cassidy's empty desk. Yet, a little grief lingered inside her heart. She knew that she was the reason Brian Cassidy had transferred out of the Special Victims Unit. "I can't deal with the victims," had been merely a cover story for him, and she knew it. She shouldn't have done it. She had broken a personal rule that she would always regret. You don't sleep with your co-workers, Olivia, damn-it! The voice inside her head screamed. It was done and over with, and there was no going back. Two months had passed, and she had to get on with her life.

She turned her head to find Captain Donald Cragen's eyes beating on her, observing her take note to Brian's empty desk.

"You know, you're no longer co-workers," Cragen told her. Was he reading her mind? Or, was it really just that obvious? Apparently it was, because Elliot had read right through her. But Elliot was her partner – for better or worst – and that was to be expected from him.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Captain," Olivia responded softly, looking at the incomplete paperwork on her desk.

"Olivia, are really that blind? Brian likes you a lot, and I'm no fool. I sent him on that assignment for a reason, so he would transfer out of the unit. Go after him, Liv. I would have sent you, but I can't afford to lose you. Plus, I think he's the weaker link. He needs a woman like you in his life to set him straight."

Olivia laughed, in shock of the words her captain had just said.

"I know how he felt about me, and quite frankly, I'm not interested in him like that. His transferring out was probably the best thing for him, though. Now he can forget about me."

"I don't think that would be an easy mission for anyone, Olivia," Cragen said, shrugging and proceeding toward his office. Olivia released a sigh and returned to her paperwork. She didn't get what Cragen was getting at. She wasn't that great, so why wouldn't Brian be able to move on quickly and easily? Hell, he had probably already moved on.

Just a few months ago, Cragen had been threatening her job because he didn't think she could handle the cases, but now "he couldn't afford to lose her." What was he on now? She often doubted her abilities as a detective and had thought about transferring out of the unit herself. The cases hit so close to home. Her mother had begged her to transfer, but Olivia didn't. She strived to help women who were going through the same struggles her mother had gone through.

"Why didn't you just become a rape counselor?" her mother had asked her once, and she'd responded that rape counselors only see one side of the story. As a SVU detective, she had the opportunity to counsel the victims and also seek justice for them, taking men like her biological father off the streets.

Her head was spinning relentlessly. That'd been happening quite a bit lately. She blamed the stress she was under. The blood pouring through her head pounded ferociously against her skeleton. Not another migraine, she thought to herself. She put her pen down and held her head in her hands. Her stomach burned painfully as the nausea set in. It'd been happening frequently lately. She felt like she was in college again. For some reason, whenever finals came around and she was stressed out of her mind, she would always fall ill.

"Olivia, are you okay?" she heard Elliot's voice from behind her. She felt his hand on her shoulder.

"Huh?" she tried to understand what he was saying, but the words weren't making sense inside her head. She suddenly felt the urge to purge. She gripped her stomach and jolted toward the bathroom, only to empty her guts into the toilet. She released a sigh of relief. Her nausea subsided.

When she exited the bathroom, she found Elliot leaning against the wall. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?" she demanded. She loved him to death, as her partner of course. She understood his concern for her, but she was an adult and could take care of herself. She'd been taking care of herself for the majority of her life.

"Oh, well, let's see. That's the fourth time this week you've thrown up at work, Olivia. I know you told me that get sick when you're under stress, but I'm not sure if that's it. The other day I walked in on you sleeping at your desk. That's not like you. And then when we were chasing a perp, you were short of breath. I have to ask…when was your last period?"

"The hell, Elliot," she snarled, in disbelief that Elliot had asked such a personal question. "That's none of your business…" She trailed off, suddenly pondering the question herself. She always used protection, so she hardly kept track of her period. She'd recently switched birth control pill that was supposed to make her periods come only four times a year, so she wasn't concerned.

"It's just food for thought," Elliot said, calmly. "I'm not trying to pry into your personal life, but you're my partner and I do care about you. As long as we're partners, we're married to each other while we're at work. I'm just looking out for you."

"I know, Elliot," she said, quietly. "I'm not…pregnant…"

"Are you positive?" Elliot raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, of course I'm positive." Olivia widened her eyes, suddenly becoming uncertain of her statement. No, it can't be possible, she assured herself.

"I mean, it's not like you're abstaining from sex, Olivia. So, there's always a possibility. Don't forget that I know about you and Cassidy, and that was only a couple months ago. Well, have you had your period since then?"

"Again, it's none of your business," Olivia said, firmly. In the back of her mind, she was trying to remember when she'd last had it. She'd started the new pill about a week before she and Brian had slept together. She'd been so drunk at the time that she couldn't remember if he'd used a condom. Shit, she thought, wondering if the birth control pills had been in full effect at the time.

"Have you slept with anyone else?"

"Elliot, just stop," Olivia demanded and returned to her desk to finish her paperwork due at the end of the day.