As I lay in my bed, I open my eyes from a pointless attempt at sleep.
I whisper your name and pull the covers back from your side of the bed.
But you aren't there.
Where have you gone, Harley-girl? Why have you left me alone?
Then I remember. The realization surges through me and I feel like someone has kicked the air out of me.
You're never coming back. I made sure of that.
I pull myself out of bed and force the memory away. By the time I have dressed and applied my make-up, I have forgotten the incident entirely.
I go to the kitchen and force myself to eat something. I have no appetite, but I know I will need the energy for the day ahead of me. I will not allow myself to make stupid mistakes.
I round up my henchmen and we drive to the bank we have been planning to rob for weeks now. The job goes off without a hitch, just as I planned it. As my men load the money, I kill the people working in the bank one by one. Listening to their screams and feeling their blood on my face and hands makes me feel more alive than ever before, and yet I still feel like something's missing.
We leave the bank just as Batsy and the police arrive. Once we get back to the hideout, I leave my men to count out their money while I go off into my study to begin working on my next plan. After a while I go and watch the news to see them talk about my latest heist. I laugh as they list the names of those who died, yet that feeling of emptiness is still there.
I go into my room and sit down on the bed. I open the drawer next to the bed and take out the jester cowl that I really should have gotten rid of a long time ago, but never did.
As I hold it in my hands, that annoying feeling in my chest returns. I try to ignore it, but I am virtually powerless against it. It feels like a beast tearing up my insides. I feel as though I am dying, but I know I'm not.
Why did you do this to me, Harley? When you became Harley Quinn, I didn't believe anyone could love me the way you did. I used it against you. I saw you as a toy, a tool that I could manipulate and twist to my advantage. But without even realizing it, you made me fall in love with you, too.
That's why I had to kill you.
As much as I miss you now, as much as I ache to kiss you just one more time, I know that I made the right decision. My love for you reduced me to a mere mortal, reduced me to the state I'm in now. By loving me the way you did, unconditionally and wanting nothing in return, you hurt me in ways that no one else ever could, and I hurt you, too. I want you back so badly, but its better this way. We can no longer hurt each other. We are both free.
I want to hold your jester hat close to my heart while I sleep. It would bring me comfort and maybe even allow me to sleep through the night. But doing so would make me dream of you.
How can I forget you, how can I heal, if I can't let you go?
So I kiss your hat and place it back in the drawer. I then lay down in the bed and curl up under the blanket and will myself to sleep, though I know I'll be lucky to get so much as ten minutes of sleep. As I lay there, I find myself longing for forgetfulness, for oblivion, yet I never want to let you go. My mind tells me your better off dead, but my body wants to hold you and never let go.
Where are you, Harley-girl? Where have you gone? I'm so cold without you here to keep me warm…
Perhaps we will be together again someday. When I cross over into the Great Unknown, I'll look for you. I'll search until the end of time if I must. Whatever awaits me Over There, I hope you'll be there with me…
Love me. Forgive me. Stay with me always. My little Harlequin.