So this is my first (technically second) story. It's kind of special to me because it's (very) loosely based on my life experiances. Umm I sort of know where I want to go with this story, but I'm not entirely sure how I want to play it out, so it might seem random at times. Just lemme know what you guys think! Seriously, reviews are what keep a writer going!
I was already half asleep when I heard the door slam shut. I winced. No, no, no. Please. Not tonight.
Tap, tap, tap. I could tell by the way her steps echoed through our small apartment that she was drunk. Again. I wasn't surprised, but I was angry at myself for being disappointed. I knew I was giving my hopes up every time I told myself that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't drink today. But I still hoped everyday. And she would encourage it unknowingly by being the sweetest person ever during the day. By being sober. By making me fall in love with her.
I heard how she threw the keys on the table and staggered to the couch. She was crying before I could hear the "plop" sound that indicated that she sat down. I just listened. Sob, sob, sob. There was nothing I could do and it physically hurt me to know that. I loved her so much. I needed to fix her somehow.
But I just lay in my bed instead and waited for her to cry herself to sleep, like she always would eventually. She reminded me of a glass with a crack in it. She would fill herself up with alcohol, and then, when she was full, she'd start to leak. Slowly but surely all her energy would flow out of her, drop by drop, until she was empty. And when she was empty, she'd just start to fill herself up again, with the hope that she'd stay full this time. It was a vicious circle and it broke her piece by piece. She was so, so very broken.
But so was I. Because of her. She broke me, she kept breaking me, but she was too shattered herself to notice. And I was so mad at her for that. And then again I wasn't, I couldn't be. Because even though she was breaking me, her sobriety fixed me in less than an instant. I loved her. The thought of that kept me together. If only she knew how much she meant to me. If only she knew.
If my life was the solar system, she was the sun, my heart was the earth, my brain was the moon and my soul would just wander around earth. I was orbiting around her, because she was what gave me life, energy. If I was too far away, I could feel the life drain from my heart and my soul would slowly freeze. But if I was too close, my heart would beat uncontrollably and my soul would burn. When I went to sleep, and it was night, my soul would look up to the sky. It would look at the moon. She would light up the moon and make it shine, guiding me through the night with a dream. She was always there. She was everywhere. I loved her.
Snore, snore, snore. Good. She was asleep. I got up as quietly as possible snuck out of my room and made my way to the couch. When I saw her I let out a breath I forgot I was holding. She was definitely empty now, there was nothing left in her anymore. I wished I could say she was peaceful, but not even sleep could bring her peace. Numbness, maybe, but not peace. I had a feeling she knew that, too, but she had given up on peace a long time ago and had gladly settled for numbness. Anything was better than the pain.
I sighed. Step, step, step. I walked to the table and took the keys and went to the door to lock it. I went to her room, took a blanket and walked back to the couch and threw it over her sleeping body. I made sure she was tucked in and warm before I turned around. I couldn't bear to look at her any longer. I cursed myself for that.
I went back to my room and closed the door. I leaned against it and let out another long breath. Drop, drop, drop. The tears came without a warning. But I hardly even cared anymore. I sat down and just cried silently, let it all flow out of me with every falling tear drop. It didn't help at all. Waves of emotions flooded my brain and I was hopelessly drowning in them. I was still silent though. Drop, drop, drop. The tears came faster now, heavier, eager to be shed. And I let them all out, I needed to free myself from all these emotions that weren't any good for me. So I did.
Knock, knock, knock. I abruptly stopped. No. I couldn't deal with her right now, she couldn't deal with me either, it was all too much. I started to panic, but then I heard a whisper so soft, I almost thought I had imagined it. "It's me." Silence. I sighed in relief, pushed myself off the door and opened it. Behind it stood a boy my age with a mohawk. Puck. By his puffy eyes I could tell he was crying before he came. We didn't say anything for a while, and right when I wanted to say something he pulled me into one of his bear hugs that I loved so much. Lately I've been wanting - no, needing - them more often.
Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum. His heartbeat calmed me down instantly and I didn't hesitate to hug him back, I knew he needed these hugs just as much as I did. After a while of just embracing each other, we let go. I looked into his green eyes that were filled with sadness. I knew he saw the same in my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Santana" he whispered. I nodded sadly. "I know, I am too" I mumbled into his chest as I hugged him again. I loved him, too. Not in the same way as I loved her, though.
In my solar system he was Mars, the planet behind me, so he could catch me if I'd fall. Much like the god who gave his planet it's name, Puck would never back down from a fight, even if it was a losing battle. He would fight until it was over. And I would choose to be on his side every single time.
He'd always be there for me, he'd always be right next to me, he'd always have my back. Always, always, always. And I knew I was the same for him. A rock that would never leave him, the anchor on his boat.
He squeezed me tightly before he pulled away again. "We need to do something. We can't keep living like this. YOU can't keep living like this. It's killing you, and I can see it." He stated it as a fact and I wasn't going to argue. I knew he was right. But I didn't know what to do. And that's exactly what I told him. He looked at me intently. "We'll figure something out" he said, and by the tone of his voice, I knew he meant it.
He kissed my forehead before he turned around and left my room. After he closed my door, I managed a small, very, very sad smile and went back to a deep sleep with dreams about her.
XXxxXX
When I woke up the next morning something felt off. Sniff, sniff, sniff. I could smell fried bacon. Weird. I couldn't remember the last time our stove had been used in the morning. We usually ate breakfast at the diner down the street.
I got up slowly and stretched my arms and legs. I walked to my door and put my hand on the door handle, but hesitated. Inhale, exhale. Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. Okay.
I opened the door and couldn't contain the smile that spread over my lips before I could stop myself. In the kitchen, which was right outside my room, there were two people making small-talk. The first person was Puck, my best friend and ex-occasional-hook-up. Next to him stood Quinn, a blonde with greenish hazel eyes, my other best friend and the reason why Puck and I didn't hook up anymore. Puck had told me on several occasions that Quinn was the one for him, and I believed him with all my heart. He loved the girl almost more than life itself. But he didn't want to be with her when his life was still so fucked up, so he kept his feelings hidden and settled for friendship. Little did he know she felt the same things for him.
Quinn noticed me and grinned. "Hey there, Santana" she said, as she left the kitchen to hug me. I smiled and hugged back. "Hey Quinn." I breathed in her scent. She always smelled like her lemon shampoo with a hint of cinnamon. It reminded me of some sort of dessert and never failed to make me feel better.
She was Venus, the planet that was in front of me. She was closer to the sun because she has known her longer, but also to shield me from the sun if she needed to. She was at least as beautiful as the goddess that gave her planet it's name, and even more loving. She was the most kind-hearted, gentle person, and sometimes I couldn't believe how lucky I was to call her my best friend.
We pulled apart and smiled at each other. Then I looked at Puck, who was smiling at us. "Since when do you make breakfast?" I teased him. He tried to hide his blush by rolling his yes and focusing on the bacon again, but he failed miserably. Quinn and I laughed and joined him in the kitchen. We all knew this was for Quinn's benefit.
I looked over the kitchen counter to the couch. It was empty. Quinn followed my gaze. "She's in her room, sleeping" she explained with knowing eyes. I just nodded. I wasn't surprised at all. Before either of us could say anything else, Puck interrupted us by placing two plates filled with bacon and eggs in front of us. I took one and walked to the table. My two friends followed me.
Chew, chew, chew. We ate breakfast in a comfortable silence. When I was done I looked at Quinn. "So what exactly are you doing here?" I asked her. Not that I minded her being here, I enjoyed her presence very much. I was just curious. She usually didn't come over this early, IF she ever came over. "I have to go pick up my aunt from the airport, and since you guys live on the way there, I decided to go a bit earlier and visit you" she said and smiled. I nodded. "Cool" is all I said.
Then we were silent again. Quinn and Puck finished their breakfast, too, and Puck grabbed all three empty plates and carried them into the kitchen. "So, which aunt is it?" Puck asked to break the comfortable silence. "The crazy old one with the two Chihuahuas? Or the ex top model one?" He smirked at the last part, and Quinn and I rolled our eyes in unison. "Well actually she's more like a family friend I guess. She went to school with my mom, and I think she's the only non-religious friend they have." I chuckled. I found Quinn's family ad their obsession with Jesus hilarious. I mean, I believed in Him too, but in my opinion they overdid it a title bit.
"Is she you're favourite aunt in that case?" Puck asked with a raised eyebrow. Quinn nodded vehemently. "Oh yes, definitely. Those Chihuahua's bit me enough times, and as for miss ex top model, she can't even remember my name. Last time I saw her, she kept calling me 'Lynn'." Puck and I both burst out laughing and Quinn was quick to join us.
When we calmed down Puck looked at me and then at Quinn. "Can we join you?" he asked. Sometimes I wondered if he could read minds or something like that. I just thought about that too, but I was too shy to ask. It was her family after all, I wouldn't want to intrude. But Puck and I both needed to get out of the house. It was just too depressing in here.
Quinn's smile just widened. "I thought you'd never ask"
"Never ask what?" I heard a voice. I froze instantly. My heart hammered against my ribs so fast, I was sure they were going to break. I turned my head to look at her. There she was.
Brittany.
Despite everything that happened to her, and everything she's been through, she still looked stunning. And I hated it. If only I wouldn't love it at least as much. She was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a simple white tank top. It was slightly see-through, so I was able to make out her pink bra with black polka dots. And her belly button. Her blonde her was cascading freely over her shoulders. Her pink lips formed a smile and her angelic features didn't show any hint of a hangover.
But her eyes.
They told a completely different story. They told a very, very sad story. We all pretended that we didn't see it, and Brittany pretended she believed us. Ugh. Pretend, pretend, pretend.
She sat down and shot as all a questioning look. "Well?" I couldn't take my eyes off her. She played the everything's-all-right role so well, I almost believed her. Almost.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. After a few seconds Puck shrugged. "We're gonna join Quinn on her way to the airport. She's picking up her cousin." Brittany nodded and said "Cool" just like I had a few minutes ago. Quinn looked at her hopefully. "Do you wanna come too?"
I wanted her to come so badly. If she would come I could keep an eye on her. I could make sure she was okay. And most importantly, I could be with her. Sober. I looked at her expectantly and I think she could tell, so she smiled and nodded. "Sure." I felt my heart beat a little faster at her answer. I let myself believe that she said yes because of me, and I smiled. She smiled, too.
"So since when do we eat breakfast at home?" She shot me a confused look and I grinned. "For some reason Puck decided that he wanted to make breakfast today…" I said teasingly and darted my eyes to Quinn and back to Brittany. She understood what I was implying and matched my grin. "Oh really?" she said. "Huh. Good thing you came for a visit today then, Q." She winked and both Puck's and Quinn's faces turned bright red. It was adorable.
Brittany and I laughed and it all just felt so good. So RIGHT. Why couldn't she always be like this? It was so much better. My sun always shone brighter in moments like these. So, so much brighter.
XXxxXX
An hour later we were all sitting in Quinn's car. Quinn was driving, Puck was sitting next to her - he called "Shotgun!" - and Brittany and I were sitting in the back. I liked it that way. I even held her hand. But that wasn't abnormal for us.
Quinn and Puck were my best friends, but my absolute best friend was Brittany. She has been ever since high school. That was when I fell in love with her. I was very mean back then, but she never took my shit, she always insisted that I was a good person, and eventually she turned me into one. What she didn't know, was that I did it for her. I left my bad girl image behind to please her, to make her smile. And it worked. Happy, happy, happy. That's what we both were.
And one night, in the summer after we graduated, everything changed. The way I felt about her, about us, about love. Change, change, change. But she didn't. She stayed the same.
"So what's your aunt's name?" Brittany asked, and brought me back to reality. She was still holding my hand. I squeezed it, and she squeezed back. "Holly" Quinn answered. "Holly Holiday." Brittany grinned. "What an awesome name!" Brittany was really excited now. Quinn chuckled. "Yeah, I agree."
The rest of the car ride we sang along to the songs on the radio. We almost screamed the songs, but it was fun. And Brittany even made some sitting dance moves. But only with her right hand. She was still holding my hand with her left one. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
We arrived at the airport after an hour long drive. It turned out that Holly's flight had a two hour delay, so we just hung out at the airport. We went to look at all the shops they had, had a bad lunch at McDonald's, sat in a café and studied all the different people. At some point we were having piggy back races, blondes versus brunettes. Puck and I won the first race, but only because a tourist walked right in front of Brittany, who had to stop immediately so she wouldn't crash into the person. We lost the second race, and the third. We decided to switch teams when Puck and I couldn't stop accusing each other of being the reason we lost. I called him weak, he called me fat, stuff like that.
Puck was now carrying Quinn, and I was carrying Brittany. "Okay. 3, 2, 1… GO!" a little boy, who wanted to play with us, shouted. We agreed that it would be unfair if somebody would carry him, so we made him the referee, with a promise that Puck was going to carry him around afterwards.
I ran like the devil himself was chasing me. I dodged all people that were in my way, but I could sense Puck wasn't too far behind me. Suddenly this old lady, that came out of nowhere, was walking in front of me. I tried to run around her, but I didn't realize she had a dog with her. To dodge the fucking animal I had to jump. It worked fine, except when I landed, Brittany's weight was to much for me and I collapsed.
I landed rather ungracefully on my belly with Brittany still on my back. But we were laughing. I said a quick sorry to the old woman, even though I could tell she heard the insincerity in my voice. She mumbled something about today's youth and how it's going to bring us all down, and walked away. Still laughing I turned on my back and looked at the person on top of me. Our eyes locked and suddenly it wasn't funny anymore. Pant, pant, pant. Brittany gave me an unsure smile. She leaned down to my ear. "Thanks for catching me" she whispered and her hot breath sent shivers down my spine. Before she pulled away she gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then she stood up.
I lay still for another second or two. Or twenty thousand. I wasn't really sure how much time passed, but I hoped it wasn't a too embarrassing amount. My earth was spinning like crazy, my soul was getting dizzy. I looked at her and realized that she had stretched out a hand to help me get up. I took it gratefully. While she helped me up my eyes stayed on hers. They were trying to tell me something, but I wasn't getting the message, I didn't understand.
Our stare contest got interrupted by the laughter of Puck and Quinn. Blink, blink, blink. I was back to reality and smiled. "You guys got lucky" I stated. "But congrats anyway. You might wanna thank the old bitch with her sorry excuse for a dog. Ya wouldn't have made it without her." They just grinned at me. "Of course, Santana, of course" Quinn said and stuck her tongue out. I rolled my eyes and Brittany giggled at that.
We walked back to the little boy who was awaiting us impatiently. Puck smiled, grabbed the boy and carefully put him on his shoulders. The boy's mom shot us a wary look. "I'll stay close, you'll always see your kid" Puck promised her. The woman nodded relieved. Then Puck turned to us. "I guess I'll see you guys in a few" he said and winked. We watched him walk away in amusement.
"He's gonna make such an awesome dad" Brittany murmured and Quinn and I smiled in agreement. We took a seat near the little boy's mom, me in the middle and the blondes on either side of me. Brittany linked her pinky with mine, like it was the most normal thing ever. Because it was. It always will be. I'm just overreacting.
Quinn noticed me tensing, and started talking to take my mind off things. "So, when are going to work today?" she asked me. "Umm, today at six." I answered. "I got the night shift, Berry has an audition at the local theatre." Quinn nodded. "Want me to visit you?" Huh. Do I want her sitting at the bar keeping me company and distracting me from all the gross forty year olds hitting on me? Yes. Do I want her to get hit on by said forty year olds instead? Definitely not. "If you bring a guy. It's friday, the bankers like to celebrate the fact that they're pathetic and rich on fridays. I don't want you to get hit on or worse." Quinn nodded and smiled. "I'll ask Puck, Finn and Sam." I smiled. At least it wasn't gonna get boring tonight.
"I could come too."
I snapped my head to the left. "Really?" I tried to hide my surprise, but she saw right through me. As per usual. "Don't sound so surprised, it wouldn't be the first time" she said. "Yeah, no, I know, it's just… It's been a while." I said lamely and could barely hide a blush.
She stared at me. "I don't have to come if you don-" "No, no, no, no! That's not what I meant! I'd love it if you'd come!" I was nearly yelling at that point. Quinn couldn't contain a chuckle. I glared at her.
Brittany smiled at me though. "Sweet! I'll be there" she promised and I matched her smile. Tonight was going to be awesome.
"Finn can't make it, he's going to Rachel's audition" Quinn said as she looked up from her iPhone. No surprise there. "But Sam says he'll be there." You gotta love Trouty Mouth.
"Hey Puck, you wanna come to 'Sue's & Shue's' tonight?" Brittany yelled over to Puck, who was on his way back from his trip with the little boy. He raised an eyebrow. "Why? Who's gonna be there?" he asked and looked at us questioningly. "Me, Quinn and Sam" Brittany answered.
"It's Quinn, Sam and I" we heard a voice behind us. "And I'm coming, too, sounds like a lot of fun!" We turned around to find the source of the voice. We ended up looking at a tall, slim blonde in her thirties. I shot her a confused look, but it quickly disappeared when Quinn practically jumped into the woman's arms. "Aunt Holly!" she cried.
Holly laughed. "Hello, Cutiepie! Missed you too" she said. "And lose the 'aunt', we don't want people to think I'm old, now do we?" she added with a wink. We smiled at her, and Quinn introduced us quickly. "This is Santana, Brittany and-" "Puck!" Holly exclaimed. She looked at him from head to toe. "Mhmm… You were right Q, he really is hot." Puck stared at her dumbfounded and Quinn slapped her arm "Holly!" she exclaimed as her cheeks turned a significant shade of pink. "What? It's true!" Holly explained. I thought I was going to like this woman. And I was right.
"So, what kind of party is this going to be tonight?" she asked me. I shrugged. "It's not really a party, it's more me working and my friends visiting me" I explained. "Will there be booze?" Holly asked. I nodded. "In that case count me in" she said and smiled broadly at me. "Good, I need all the company I can get" I said happily. This was getting better and better. She nodded in understanding. "Big, fat, old guys who think they're gonna get some?" she questioned. "How'd you know?" I asked. "Oh honey, I've seen things, you don't even know exist! I once worked as a waitress in-" Quinn pulled her arm to shut her up. "Let's save story time for later, whaddaya say?" We grinned, but we all nodded, including Holly.
"Let's get your stuff to the car!" Puck shouted like the little kid he sometimes still was. He took Holly's suitcase and led us to Quinn's car. We followed him in amusement. Brittany and I giggled when Holly told Quinn, that he truly was a nice catch. My pinkie was linked with Brittany's all the way to the car.
XXxxXX