North Park: Season 1 Episode 2 - Transcript = "Snow Storm" - 2017 Paramount Pictures
October 24, 2017 - An HBO, FX Production
Transition to Chris' House/Chris is walking in his front yard carrying a box and putting it down by a big pile of other boxes. CHARLE LLOYD, JACK CAMELOT, & MORGAN PICARDSON enter frame.
Charlie
Dude what are you doing Chris? You packing up for something? What's with all those boxes?
Chris
Moving boxes dumbass!
Morgan
You're moving?
Chris
No.
Charlie
(Whispers to Himself) I'm not a dumbass!
Jack
You going off the grid?
Chris
No! Look guys I'm very busy!
Morgan
So?
Jack
Yeah come on dude, don't be a wise ass, what the hell are you doing?!
Chris
(Sighs) Look you idiots! I'm not in the best of moods but I'm going to tell you something. I have to stay with my sister when she comes to North Park.
Charlie
Oh Serenity?
Chris
Yes!
Jack
She's a slut Chris!
Chris
No dammit!
Morgan
Does she still like to put money in her bra?
Chris
Guys stop! My sister's not a prostitute!
Jack
Your sister is a fat bitch whore!
Chris
Shut the Fuck up Jack!
Charlie
Why do you have all those boxes?!
Chris
Because Charlie, I'm moving her stuff inside the house.
[A shot of the school yard in a panoramic view. Stormy background. Chris Montague is pouting about his sister coming and angrily talking. Jack and Morgan are next to him.
Chris
God this crap sucks!
Morgan
I know right dude? Kurt Cobain had a heroin problem, then shot himself in the head.
Chris
(Sarcastically) Yeah that's hilarious Morgan.
Jack
Come on, stop being such a pussy, so what if your sister is coming. I hate my own brother!
Chris
You don't understand she's a complete bitch!
Jack
Why?
Morgan
Yeah what the hell Chris?!
Chris
I don't like Serenity!
Jack
Yeah Well deal with it!
Morgan
Pussy!
Charlie
(Runs over, excited) You guys! You guys, you gotta come over here!
Chris
Why?
Charlie
Just-Just come here ok, some seniors got some pot and they're using it. I just took some from them.
Jack
Really? Holy crap that's awesome dude!
[Charlie shows the pot in his hands]
Chris
(shocked and excited) God! No way!
Charlie
Didn't I tell you guys!
Jack
Kick ass!
[Mr. Harrison enters frame, and is shocked]
Harrison
(Angry) What the hell are you doing?!
Charlie
Holy Crap! (Looks at Mr. Harrison) That's not mine, I was holding it for a friend!
[Mr. Harrison's arms are crossed and stares at the 4 boys with anger]
Chris
Holy Shit dude.
[Transition to the Counselor's Office.
Harrison
I am very disappointed in you boys!
Charlie
Mr. Harrison, can I ask you a question?
Harrison
Um ok what?
Charlie
What's the big deal, we didn't own it!
Harrison
Now I want to know where you got all this weed?!
Jack
The seniors!
Charlie
JACK!
!
Morgan
(Whispers to Charlie) Can I have some more?
Harrison
Well in that case you 4 come with me! Or your all suspended!
Everyone
ahhhhhhhhhh
(The Next Day)
Harrison
Now you boys are going to sit here until recess is over, mkay!
Jack
What the hell are we supposed to do guys?
Charlie
Well I don't know about you, but I'm starting on lunch guys!
Chris
(confused) Ice cream for lunch?
Charlie
Hey get off my sack Chris you douche!
Chris
(Angry) I don't want any part of your sack you gay asshole!
Jack
I wonder if there's any more, besides no wonder there are no pot smokers in elementary,
they're all here in high school.
Chris
You guys! What am I going to do? I just want the week to be over (Puts his hands to his head)
Morgan
Hey don't be put upon you bastard!
Chris
(angry) I AM NOT PUT UPON MORGAN! Just STOP! Let's just survive through this whole recess!
TRANSITION TO THE BUS STOP, SCHOOL BUS PULLS UP, CHRIS, JACK, CHARLIE MORGAN EXIT THE BUS AND WALK DOWN THE STREET.
Charlie
That sucked. HARD!
Morgan
Thanks alot charlie, you asshole!
charlie
Oh so it's my fault?
jack
Actually yeah you brought the pot
Chris
Guys forget it! My sister is coming today!
Jack
Well! Sucks for you! Come on guys, let's go to the arcade. Talk to you later.
Charlie
Yeah, see ya Chris!
[Charlie, Jack, & Morgan exit while Chris walks to his house, then stands there.]
[Chris sighs while having his hands in his pocket] Car pulls up and Serenity appears.
Serenity
What's up. Bitch
Chris
[Sarcastically] Oh hey Serenity, come back from that gay boarding school of yours that mom put you in?!
Serenity
What's your problem you blue bitch!
Chris
Excuse me?!
Serenity
I didn't know you burped
Chris
Shut up!
Serenity
Whatever! [Walks inside Chris's House]
Serenity
[Sarcastic] Wow this place sucks!
Transition to North Park
Mr. Harrison
Now I want you all to sit down while I go look down at my orgies.
Chris
Dammit what do we do?!
Ben
I don't' know about you al but i'm sneaking out and going for target practice.
Morgan
Once again thanks a lot Charlie!
Mr. Harrison
Hey, 1 rule! No talking! Mr. Mordecai will watch you guys because he for putting the alcohol in the milk. As for you Ben don't you dare sneak out or I will double the amount of detention you have, you little shit.
Ben
What screw you you light bulb headed cunt!
Mr. Harrison
That's it! It's time for punishment! Get over here!
(Mr. Harrison gives Ben a huge load of textbooks)
Mr. Harrison
Now go to the corner and read these textbooks about sex!
Ben
I will have you know that I am an expert at sexual intercourse! I freakin wrote a paper about the vagina!
Mr. Harrison
Judging by your grades I think not
Ben
I'm acing biology!
Mr. Harrison
Go!
Mordakai
Everybody go back to studying. And shut the fuck up!
Hey don't you start
You put me here so I'm in charge
Harrison
Only because of what you did to the milk
I've said it before and I will say it again, it wasn't me!
Harrison
I'll believe it when I see it. Now watch them or your fired!
Whatever, alright kids I want you all to just do your homework or I will poison your food
everyone else
duh fuckkkkkk!
Mordecai
That's right and if you need me I will be Watching Dragon Ball Z the lost years.
Chris
This is ridiculous
Jack
I know right threatening to kill us
Morgan
For now on I will bring my own lunch
Charlie
I'll keep an eye him to make sure he doesn't turn into a meat monster.
Mordecai is watching phone when the broadcast gets interrupted by Channel 78 news
News anker
we interrupt this Dragon Ball marathon for a news weather bulletin. Here with me is benson to tell us more.
Benson The weather man
Thanks Tom, It seems that there's something over…...Ahhhhh! A snow storm is coming run for your lives! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Tom: Thanks Benson, Now here's a update for the town
CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK
snow storm is hitting the school!
Mordakai
Oh my God I'm trapped in the school with a bunch of kids!
Kids
we're stuck!
Mordakai
Every Man for themselves! (Mordakai runs and kicks down the door)
Chris
Seriously!
Charlie
we're screwed
Transition to chris' house serenity is trapped in the house.
Serenity is watching TV
Nostalgia Critic
Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to. Today I am going to do a home alone 4. Let me tell you all this movie is the fucking worst of all the home alone films. This is not Kevin. Who the fuck are all these imposters and why the fuck is this even a thing this movie is!
We interrupt this Nostalgia Critic for this important news bulletin
Serenity
Oh my.
Cut back to the school
Mordakai
Ahhhh snow storm.
Bumps into Harrison
Harrison
Ow, Mordakai….. why are you acting like a child
Mordakai
But it's a snow…. Storm
Harrison
Be a professional. You are supposed to be watching those bratty kids!
Mordakai
They can Handle themselves
Harrison
I told you to watch them.. get in there or I will have your job as the cook.
Mordakai
But I cook! Cooking is my purpose
Harrison
Get da fuck in there now and follow my ass. Will do it he right way.
Mordecai
Ok
Cut back to the students now the entire student body is in the room
Charlie
There's no service… how am I going to come up with my references?!
Jack
Yeah Charlie enough with the references!
Chris
I can't get through.. the best thing to do is..
Charlie
Pick up a book?
Chris
No you idiot. I'm out of here.
Chris runs out the window but is blocked by the snow.
Chris
This is freezing! I hope I don't end up like Jack Frost.
Charlie
Hey that's a reference
Jack
Shut up Charlie!
Chris slips through.
Jack
Wow he got through. Didn't see that coming
Harrison
All of you brats calm down okay.
Mordecai
Is anyone dead so I can take their money
Everyone gives him the dead eye
Mordecai why are you looking at me am I handsome?
Mordecai: Fine screw you guys of course I'm handsome
Jack: Focus…..you pretentious shallow jerk
Mordecai: Say that again and I will make you freeze
Jack: what do you mean by freeze?
Mordecai: I'll throw you in the freezer and you be my ice cube
Charlie…where's the principle
Harrison: in the office
Cut to the office
Elizabeth: oh a snow storm well we're screwed.
Elizabeth: well time to play with my phone. Hey Siri am I pretty.
Cut to Serenity.
Serenity watching a random movie and has all these snacks on the table
Chris: Damn it! You're home, I thought I had the house to myself. Look I need your help
Serenity: but why I'm watching a movie
Chris: I don't care!
Serenity: that's not nice you bitch
Cut back to the school 2 hours later
Harrison gets the blankets.
Everyone else is in the gym with Mordecai on his phone again
Charlie: Hope my parents are okay
Jack: their probably d inking their lives away
Morgan: hey I think the storm is getting lighter
The storm then starts to pile
Morgan: never mind.
Harrison brings he blankets
Harrison it's almost time for bed
Mordecai: good night brown green red, scary boss
Jack: did he forget our names
Morgan: I'm a color
Harrison: you better get to sleep cause I have a hard time dealing with you brats
Cut to Serenity
Serenity: let get this over with
Chris: some bitch sister you are
Serenity: Well why do you need me to make a tunnel from our basement to the school?
Chris:Because everyone else is trapped!
Serenity Alright Alright no need to be rude about
Chris: Me rude! You have been acting like a bitch since you got here! You lazy whore!
Serenity:what did you call me?
Chris : You heard me a lazy hor! You know, I never understood why mom and dad always seem to prefer you over me!?
Serenity: Because i'm pretty and your not!
Chris: You know what forget this I don't know why I even bother with you. Sometimes I wonder if we're really related because we seem to be nothing alike
Serenity: Of course we are related you retard
Chris: What you call me!?
Serenity: A retard you bitch!
Chris: that's it!
Chris then shoves Serenity and the two of then begin a fist fight. Then cue a title card that says one hour later and they're still fighting. Then two hours later.
Chris: You know none of this would have happened if you had just listened to me!
Serenity: And what be your sidekick like when we were kids!
Chris: What are you talking about?
Serenity: When we were kids you always took the lead in things and everywhere we went you wanted to be a leader. Well news flash Chris not everything revolves around you!. That's why I ended up with living in the boarding school. So that way I can be independent
Chris: I know and I was happy when you left. I don't know how you feel.
Serenity: Yeah well now you know you bitch.
Chris: You know what Serenity how about this. After this we pretend that we don't know each other and just go our separate ways. That includes not talking to you.
Serenity: Fine you got a deal
Chris: Good! Then I will see you whenever!
Serenity:Alright I'll help you, but after this, I'm leaving you for good!
Cue tunnel montage of the two of them digging underground to the school
Cut back to the school
Mordakai wakes up and looks outside the window and it shows that some of the snow melted
Mordakai then proceeds to shake Mr. Edward up
Mr Edward: What the hell man!
Mr Mordakai: Well I figured to let you know that the snow was melting you ass hole
Mr Edward: Wait what!
Mordakai: I said
Mordakai gets interrupted
Mr Edward: I heard you.. It's just a figure of speech. Come on let's wake the others
The two then proceed to get a gong and then bang it to wake everyone up
BANG!
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Charlie: Yeah why did you wake us like that you
Mr. Edward: Well we figure to tell you all that the snow is melting, we can all go home.
Everyone proceeds to leave
Chris and Serenity then emerge from the ground
Chris: We came to rescue….what the hell?!
Chris and Serenity look to see they made it out.
Mordakai: Chris for ditching detention your going to have too clean up the cafeteria hall with me next week.
Chris: Seriously!
Serenity: Well that escalated quickly
Chris: Shut up!
Serenity: Whatever Chris, 7 years later and you still got that attitude. I'm out of here.
Morgan: Well one thing I learned is never to get detention the same day a blizzard hits
Jack: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
A few days later
Serenity is about to leave to return to her home
Serenity: Well I guess this is it
Chris:Yeah guess so
Serenity: Bye guys
Serenity leaves in her dad's car
Chris: That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Morgan: Really? She just stole 25 dollars worth of Pokemon cards from you and you're happy?!
Chris: Say what now?!
Morgan: I'M OUT OF HERE
Chris: GET BACK HERE SERENITY!
Chris ends up chasing the car down the road
Jack: Uh, so you up for a game of beer pong?
Charlie: Sure why not.
Episode end