part i
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It was only supposed to be one date.
And yet. Here Sai was, sitting across Ino at her second favorite haunt, after the barbecue place – a little cafe right around the corner from Konoha Hospital. Since it opened three months ago Ino could be seen at a corner table nearly every day she was on shift. Sometimes Sakura would be with her. Sometimes she'd drag the bunned girl, Lee's teammate. But often, alone.
Alone and Ino were not two words often paired, Sai observed. Golden-haired Ino, always a comrade in tow. Most people thought she couldn't stand quiet, solitary moments. They couldn't be further from the truth.
Truth was, since the war she had grown more – walled in, was how he'd put it. She was still her radiant, laughing self around her friends and most people, but it was as if she were keeping them at arm's length, lest they break something fragile, glued together that was once whole, inside her.
So he thought, watching her.
And he'd been watching, for a while now. Not just since she saved him. How could he not look? At the very least she intrigued him. Ino of the Golden Bonds. Never had there been a more suitable name for a friendship. He had thought in the beginning that it was a strictly Ino thing, that lent the golden quality to that bond. In his head he referred to her as the shining one, she who glowed with every movement. He would try to look directly at her, as one would the sun.
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People often thought her the heart of Team 10, having to do with being the only girl, probably. But when asked, Akimichi Choza had this to say: Of course not, my Choji is the heart, pure, kind soul he is. Too tenderhearted for his own good, most days. No, Choji is definitely the heart, Shikamaru the brain, Ino, well, how do I put it – always had this dogged persistence that pulled the other two along, a kind of magnetism, a stubborn force that refused to give up, give in, even when the other two already have, her own knees shaking, when she's so unsure herself. She suprised even Inoichi, who had a cool, levelheaded strength to him. He picked his battles, he and Shikaku did. They wouldn't fight battles they were unlikely to win, if they can help it. But Ino, no sir, she'd fight any battle, all of them if she had to – I know this because she and I were the same in this – (here he laughs) – but watch her be the last to put her arms down. So call it what you will. Fire, blood, impulse, she was all that, and more.
One more thing, Choza added, You don't get Golden Bonds just by bringing three people from the clans together. It had to be the three of them. It had to be her. It wouldn't have worked with anyone else. People like to think Shikamaru the leader. He plans the attacks, yes, strategizes, directs the formation, but Ino was the one the other two followed. You should have met her when she was younger! Only person who could get Shikaku's boy to do anything other than watch clouds lying on his back, the only one who could get my own Choji to try. Even now those boys'll complain a lot, but they never refuse her in the end.
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"You're spacing out again. Earth to Saaai," she said, waving a hand in his face. She'd smiled as she said this. She still found his antics amusing, even when they wearied Naruto, Sakura and the others. For his part, Sai found that being at the receiving end of that open expression made him feel a kind of blooming in his chest, so he kept them up, the antics, even when he knew better. He would never admit this embarrassing fact to anyone, not even to her, especially not to her.
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She brought Yuhi Kurenai flowers often – red poppies – and made paper pinwheels for Sarutobi Asuma's daughter. They'd take these to the window to watch the arms go and go; when there was no wind they'd blow on the arms to make them move. From where Sai sat in the living room, it would look like they were breathing life into those colorful, fragile things…
He'd watch Kurenai watch them too, with a smile or a quiet laugh that was somehow always tinged with sadness. One afternoon he will keep coming back to for a very long time (maybe the rest of his life), the sky a coppery hue, the two players by the window bathed in russet shadow. Beside him, Kurenai said, barely above a whisper,
Asuma would have been so happy.
Startled, he turned – and instantly regretted it. For a split second her face showed only anguish. Seeing him looking, she schooled her features back to something less – grotesque, was the only word Sai could use to describe it. He looked away and for the rest of the visit pretended to not have seen anything. (He more than anyone understood this bitterness, this hardness, he who has known pain in all its blood and ugliness. Whoever said it could be beautiful had been lying, or fooling himself; pain is always monstrous, it swallows you whole: head, heart, marrow, all the rest.
Yes, Sai understood her perfectly. What she really said was, He shouldn't have died. It shouldn't have been him.)
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Ino liked telling the story of how Kurenai and Asuma fell in love. He bought flowers - from our shop! can you believe? And he thought I wouldn't know who they were for. Me! The flowers tell me everything.
Flowers, love.
He'd piece it together, on his own. The whole Sakura-Ino-Sasuke story. Everyone in town seemed to know it. Golden girl likes prized boy with the eyes like a starless evening, he as dark as she is bright. Sakura, the late bloomer, coming to her own, her own feelings blossoming, finding their way to the same night-eyed boy. But way way before all this, Ino and Sakura had found each other first. Little Ino, standing three feet five inches in socks, herself a tiny blazing sun, she'd pick a fight with loneliness if it meant seeing her friend happy. Sakura, like a flower turned toward the sun, she'd follow Ino anywhere.
Push comes to shove, they were each other's first great love, whether they admit it or not, and Sai often wondered, a bit angrily, if Sasuke knew or even acknowledged, this thing he almost ruined.
(And he, Sai, what did he know about love? Only that sitting across him in this corny cafe was a certain sky-eyed girl whose smiles he felt in his chest like a sunbeam, spreading warmth where before there were only spaces, only shadow. But he wouldn't know this was love, not yet. That would come later.)
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When pressed (and three bottles deep in alcohol), Choji would admit, grudgingly, that Yes, even me and grumpy ol' Shikamaru. We were young, okay? Don't tell him I told you, we were practically in nappies and we would fight over who would marry her when we grew up. Pops found it funny, told Ino's dad. Old man Inoichi laughed and joked about using mind jutsu on us if we so much as touched a hair on Ino's head… Of course it was just some bogus jutsu, but we were kids! We didn't know that back then. And he said it in such a scary way, we gave up on the idea right away…
Okay, Choji said, maybe I did. Shikamaru though – wait, you have to swear you didn't hear it from me! Well Shikamaru took longer to get over… this thing we couldn't name. By the way, he never really told me, but I could read him better than anyone, I'd say. So yeah, getting annoyed when she's all Sasuke this, Sasuke that. He never liked Sasuke, Shikamaru didn't, even before the Orochimaru stuff. Could be he just smelled trouble from the beginning, who knows? Poor Ino. It's weird but… it wasn't so much that Sasuke broke her heart, more that - her heart broke for him, all that loneliness, confusion, his madness, his loss, that he had to go through them alone. Even old man Inoichi didn't know what to do when she'd start crying, and he knew her best of all.
Anyway, Choji went on. Shikamaru started taking things more seriously after Sasuke left. He never forgave himself for that failed rescue, the one where we nearly died. He - we, all of us, really - wanted to be stronger, to have better chance next time we come face to face with adversaries like that. But Shikamaru... It was painful to watch Ino during that time, you know. People see Ino and see bravado, but she had ugly insecurities too, like the rest of us do? After Sasuke left, this feeling that she was lacking, it was eating away at her. I don't know why or how, but my guess was she thought she could have helped to save Sasuke somehow. She was very angry with herself… Neither Shikamaru nor I enjoyed seeing that. Ino, doubting herself, of all people…
Asuma had been so proud, Choji continued, when they all became chunin, at Shikamaru making an effort, at Ino trying even harder to get stronger, like she was ever weak in the first place. Only Choji himself saw the glass-like frailty of this – sudden resolve, how easily someone could smash it like a mirror. He understood even then he would be the one to pick up the pieces, and in the fragments he'd see their faces as they really were, the bruised skin under the eyes, the strained smiles that were less laughter, more bared teeth.
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And sure, cracks appeared in that once gilded friendship. Ino and Shikamaru fighting, both so stubborn, she a fighter and he a cynic, she's all humming impulse, raring to go where battle is thickest, he's cold and cunning, arranging and rearranging the pieces on his board as many times as it would take to win – his way.
More and more their paths diverged, yet neither could lose sight of the other completely. That was the way Golden Bonds worked, and held itself together. (Ino had put it best, when after a fight she said to both of them, but mostly to Shikamaru, "I am still very mad at you, but we'll go with your plan because I trust you with all my heart anyway. We fight together or not at all. There. Okay?")
And maybe that was love, though imperfect, Shikamaru's no can do attitude to the mere suggestion that Ino fight in the front lines, that they put her in offensive attacks for a change, his Ino you can't do this, Ino I need you to stay back, made her seethe, made her think he didn't see her as an equal, as good enough. Choji knew; the only time he ever spoke to Shikamaru about this thing between him and Ino, he said, You can't protect her from everything. She'll hate you for it.
And Shikamaru only gave a him a long look that said, I don't care. If it keeps her safe, I really don't care if she already does.
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She had ordered pie, a sugar-dusted number, just looking at it made Sai's molars ache. But she barely touched it; now she was turned toward the window, chin on palm, her features half covered in shadow. He had the thought to paint his unguarded moment, Yamanaka Ino without her defenses. These had grown rarer and rarer over the years. There was something like trust in that she was letting him see her like this. He didn't want to ruin it.
She pushed her chair back so suddenly, sitting bolt upright, that she gave the diner behind them a great fright. Cutlery scuttled across the floor. "Sorry," Ino said, "I nearly forgot – I'm on double duty today, I'm covering for Forehead! So sorry! I really do need to get back or I'm dead meat."
He offered to pay for her, she declined, "No, no - I feel like I wasted your time. But I do have to get back." She reached for her purse, paid at the counter, came back to say goodbye. "See you again?" Her smile so tender.
He wasn't sure, at first. Then. "I'll wait."
She stopped, surprised, not in a bad way. "No, really, you don't have to - I won't be back until late in the evening."
He said the words as easily as he felt them. "I'll wait. I want to."
She paused again, then smiled. Sun-bright. "Alright, see you later."
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He regretted, that he didn't get to know her father personally. He'd heard the stories. How people's reaction to Akimichi Choza was usually one of awe, owing to his height and heft. To Nara Shikaku, guarded deference, no one wanted to be analyzed or picked apart by his famed genius. But the one people wanted to please the most, the one whose compliments they sought the most, was Yamanaka Inoichi.
Maybe it was a family trait, this magnetism, this ability to draw crowds. Inoichi was notorious for being tough on folks over at Intelligence and Analysis, but it didn't stop recruits from pouring in year after year. Lord Third used to say, only half in jest, that Konoha had more spies than they knew what to do with, no small thanks to Inoichi's legendary training. No wonder Ino was exemplary in mind and sensory jutsu. Inoichi was exacting even on his darling daughter when it came to the clan jutsu.
(During the battle with Obito, every single one on the field heard the father-daughter goodbye. How did she do it? Fight on with only choked back tears?)
After the war, Sai had helped to clear the rubble of what had been HQ. He saw, like the rest of them who were present, what was left of two generations of Ino-Shika-Cho. Choza, arms around a sobbing Choji. Shikamaru, on his knees. Ino, beside him, fingers clasped around a blackened forehead protector she'd picked up from the ground. It might not have even belonged to her father.
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Much later, deeper into the night, Sai would witness a fiercely private scene. At the rubble site again, only this time, two figures standing together. Shikamaru seemed taller, older somehow. He'd been talking in a very low voice. Ino turned to look behind her, and Sai saw, the pink skin around the eyes, the thin, pale, cracked lips. She muttered something, what a painful expression on her face – later on he'd realize, it was the same one he'd seen on Kurenai, the one that said, It didn't have to be him, he didn't have to die.
Shikamaru pulled her to him, the first and last time he would hold her like this, his own eyes dry, he had cried his fill. The few onlookers, Sai included, went home after this. The two of them didn't need an audience.
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(Shikamaru, feeling wrong in his suddenly too old body, his bones straining under the weight of years he's yet to live but know already; his limbs that were too long but still unable to protect, to hold the person he owed so much and meant so much ever again. His old man used to say, you're still a naive brat after all, rely on us grown ups a bit. What a dumb advice, but he felt dumber to have followed it; now Shikaku was really gone.
Choji's mom said, they don't really leave us, they're still with us. Ino, looking around, searching for golden hair, sea-colored eyes like hers, straining to hear the familiar words calling her home to dinner. Her voice breaks. No, they're not.
Shikamaru pulled her close, her head on his neck, the tears came and came and soaked his skin, his shirt, his shoulder. Ino the broken record, saying no they're not, no they're not, over and over and over and over.)
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They'd stood hand in hand during the funeral. No one asked, no one needed to.
Sai understood something about love then too – the mourners in black, the sudden rain, the two soaked figures in front who saw noone and felt nothing, felt everything.
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Yamanaka Flowers closed for two months. Ino refused to leave the house. When she emerged, she was golden again, but something changed, was lost, or added; as if she had put on armor, one that looked like true flesh and true blood, to cover a missing limb, a thing that was now smashed irrepairable beneath. (She smiled and laughed and it would feel like old times, only these weren't old times, not anymore.)
She apprenticed herself to her father's old colleague. Morino Ibiki was skeptical - could he teach Inoichi's darling girl to ouwit enemies using the most morally questionable techniques known to man? What would his old friend say? But a student was a student, no matter how golden, and besides, he saw in her eyes the same fire that still sparked now and then in him. Still, he had a family too, once – when he was young and reckless and didn't pay attention, he learned too late that an office was not a home, that power had no power late at night when those you've lost kept you awake, and you have nothing and no one to blame but you and ambition. Power, he scoffed now, it did not satiate.
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(She came back from recon, bloodied head to toe but alive, half-carrying her wounded partner, a distant Hyuga relation, who'd gone temporarily blind in one eye from overuse of the Byakugan. She'd patched him up as best she could, set the enemy camp on fire and ran for her and her partner's life, with more intel than even the Hokage knew what to do with. Ibiki had been there when she reported all she had gathered to Hatake Kakashi, who seemed equal parts impressed and concerned. He'd known her as a young girl, as Sakura's best friend and Asuma's most reliable pupil; he didn't quite know what to make of the badly bruised kunoichi who'd just delivered the enemy into his hands. When she'd left, Kakashi turned to look at old Ibiki, searching the battle-worn face for explanations, but he could not offer any. Both wondered whether they'd stoked a fire they shouldn't have, and whether somewhere Inoichi was sending curses their way, for sharpening his daughter like a weapon for survival.)
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When Sai said he'd wait, they both thought he'd meant that one time only, but he found himself waiting for her still, weeks later. He saw when she came back from the reconnaissance gone wrong, almost unrecognizable in a bloody uniform. He had flashbacks to the Root years, the smell of scorched flesh filling his nostrils at the memory, and Sakura asked him if he was alright, he'd turned ashen all of a sudden.
(Waiting didn't mean owning, at least that's what he thought. When he was younger he thought Danzo had owned all of them in Root, but now that he was free of him he believed firmly that no one could own anybody else. So no, he didn't own Ino, he doesn't want to, and he said nothing about the blood and the ghosts, the ache in his chest like a world collapsing.)
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After that bloody mission came more, and each time it seemed like less of her came back. She'd still be there at gatherings, the half-smile frozen on her face a stopgap, keeping something beneath from spilling. She had started walking around like someone on a tightrope, teetering, and her friends, watching, always in fear of her tipping over - she had too far to fall. Sakura didn't know what to do; Choji was careful around her, afraid the wrong word would unravel her; Shikamaru would lecture or argue, made her angry and drove her away. Only Hyuga Neji seemed to know how to handle her - they got along somehow, if in a cool distanced way. When asked Neji would only say, I don't see a reason to treat her any differently.
While her usual mission partner recuperated, she was buddied up with Neji many times, and why not, a Hyuga and a Yamanaka made strategic sense anyway, she was mid- to long range, no one could match him hand to hand, anything that needed stealth they'd ace, they were bold and cunning combined, both had excellent chakra control, he was prone to injuries, she'd patch him up, he had a knack for heroics and she had plenty of tricks up her sleeve, her many insecurities clouded her judgment sometimes but he didn't treat her like glass that would break in a snap.
Maybe Neji understood best, her constant need to prove herself, wanting to live up to someone already dead, wondering if they'd be proud, anyway. Theirs was an odd friendship that maybe blossomed into something more, people started to talk, the clans silently approved, it's been a while since there was intermarriage between the families, can you imagine a Hyuga heir with Yamanaka sensibilities, mind control and the Byakugan, the other villages would fear us -
But Neji and Ino were proud creatures, the proudest no doubt among their peers, too proud to let a what-if be a weapon so they said no, thank you, at the expense of bruised hearts and buried feelings, fate's unwanted children, they were no strangers to heart wounds after all.
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At Hanabi's birthday party, they danced with each other only: she, lovely like starlight in her yellow dress, he ridiculously happy even in his uncle's old clothes and clumsy on his feet. Sai learned something about heartache then, theirs and his own, he who watched from the sidelines, they who had so little time, who when the night ended almost said, I really really wish it could have been you. They were good for each other; Neji, so self contained, he didn't need her to make him whole or any of that nonsense, Ino, happy to just trot along beside him, laughing at the weird things that amused him, like when Lee challenges him to stupid contests and he'd almost always cave because he was young and brash still, like the rest of them. For the first time here was someone who didn't need anything from her, didn't need her to make an offering of her heart in order to save him, he had done that all on his own, true to his nature he had been responsible even for his own redemption.
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(Sai himself would need so much from her later on, to banish his ghosts and many darknesses. She'd always forgive him, in fact forgave him anything, everything, even when he least deserved it, especially when he thought he did not deserve it. She would tell Sakura, I love him and it's tiring. Sakura answers, Tell me about it. Ino sighs, smiles, We have no one to blame but ourselves.)
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After Neji, Ino retreated into herself again. During one plucky moment, Sai had asked her out again. She politely declined, said she had so many things on her mind, with Ibiki retiring, and the clans planning the succession ceremonies, Shikamaru and Choji were useless as usual, but thank you, Sai, you're so sweet.
It was Shino, who told him, That's alright, sometimes things don't work out the way you want.
Even when she liked me first? he'd asked.
Even when she liked you first. People and their feelings, according to Shino, changed, you can like different people at different points in your life.
That gave him hope, oddly. Maybe the feeling in his chest, dense like a dying star, would go away eventually.
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It was here that Shikamaru traipsed back into the story: he, Choji and Ino about to be made head of the respective clans, there was to be a formal ceremony, Ino fretting, she should get a special attire made, will it get completed on time? And the flowers! Bush clover, cosmos, something from the shop, from the Nara forest, what would go best with the Akimichi colors? Sakura, doing her best to be a good friend, suggested Sai help with the decorations. Ino, delighted beyond measure, Yes, that would be perfect! Help me update the old murals? The paint's all dry here, you see, what color background would suit these flowers? There are so many things to do!
Sai, trying his best too, he wanted everything to be perfect, for his friends, for the Village and its traditions, but also - especially - for her. One afternoon staying late at Yamanaka Flowers, comparing paints against blooms, Ino and Sakura gone who knows where, Ino's mother quietly approaching, a woman who was not golden like the rest of the family, inviting him to tea, in her gentle voice, Why don't you join me, you've been working hard, and between offering him a tray of sweets and his second cup of flower-infused tea, she said suddenly, Thank you for being there for my Ino, god knows Inoichi and I indulged her a lot growing up, now she runs around too much, running herself to the ground trying to prove god knows what, Inoichi and I will always be proud of her, even now her father's gone I just know how much he loves her and is proud of her, I feel it as certainly as every breath I draw, I feel it marrow deep.
And Sai doesn't know the proper response to this so he shoots his mouth off as usual, he says, I think I… understand, I too am proud of her, and love her… At this point he stops, starts again, It hurts too much. Ino's mother only smiles, she says, Poor boy, and also, I know.
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At the ceremony, Choji and Shikamaru step onto the platform first, all dolled up, Shikamaru tall and resurgent like a blade of grass, Choji so handsome and majestic in red and gold. And, of course: she, who knew how to make a dramatic entrance, sunset lovely in an orange kimono and her father's red haori, hair spilling over her shoulders like liquid daylight. Sai felt himself suck in a breath, Sakura, beside him, grinned, elbowed him painfully on his side. On stage, Ino laughed her daisy laugh when Choza gathered the three of them into his arms with tears in his eyes. Lovely like a sunbeam, this girl, and so like her father, from the flaxen hair to the stormy eyes and the way she stood like she commanded the stars, she probably did, this golden mystifying girl who seemed to belong in the skies than with the rest of them at that moment, at all moments.
And yet the air was flavored by sadness, Sai could almost taste it on his tongue, sweet and bitter together, the three new heads of families, standing there holding hands, something like forked paths crossed his mind, and the passing of time rolling bumpily ahead like a boulder, he thought of them who will now shoulder a clan's worth of responsibilities, they who were so young still.
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(Later he found Ino a little ways from the crowd, pulling her father's haori close to her body. When she looked up, the skin around her eyes were pink not like she had been crying but as if she were holding back the tears. And he who doesn't ever know what to do in these moments, wrapped his arms so awkwardly around her shoulders, and she, shocked at first, started laughing that singular laugh that made flowers bloom in his chest, she patted his back and said, Now now, don't you be the one crying.
And he was! For god knows what reason tears were spilling down his cheeks, like that time she saved him from a bad dream where he hurt his friends and didn't know he was crying, only now the bad dream was hers, where her most beloved person was gone and she couldn't wake from it, but why he could feel her pain as if it were his own he could not know. She pulled away from him slightly, swiped her thumbs under his eyes, she wasn't saying anything but he thought she felt it then too, knew it – marrow-deep.
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It was he then, weeks later, who said the words first, prefaced by a shy I think, which made her smile, fondly - or was it pity? She doesn't say them back right away but months later, when they get separated on a mission and he thought he was dying, bleeding profusely from his midsection, he'd been about to close his eyes when in his peripheral vision, a blur of gold, and that voice he'd recognize anywhere, near death or no, Stay with me, Sai, please, let me – (frantic now) – I'll patch you up, okay? Just, wait – please, keep your eyes open for me – see, all better –
He remembered putting a hand over hers as she pressed chakra to his chest, pumping her own life force to keep him conscious. It had been like looking at the sun then, not truly making out her features, only the golden hair, his favorite color now along with the lightest of blues, the color of the sky and her eyes, but it didn't matter, he knew every dip and curve of her face, all the dazzling terrain of it. Her breaking voice, Stay, please, dammit, don't you dare – not you too – I like you.
And he grinned, idiot that he was, despite being so near death, he alternated between laughing and sputtering blood, he's stubbornly refusing to die because she just said she liked him, she didn't say love, it wasn't, not yet, but damn it if he didn't live through this he'd be a bigger idiot than the biggest dunce in the history of ever.
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In hospital someone patched him up better, gave him medicine that knocked him out. When he woke again there were flowers on his bedside, in a corner, Ino and her mother, talking in hushed voices, looking out the window. For the first time in his life he thought, with conviction, so this is family, this is home, when Ino happened to turn her face to him she had bags under her eyes, her mother whispered something in her ear and her eyes widened, as if she were seeing him for the first time.
She had been about to say something when the door opened and in came Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi, making a racket, and with whom Ino and her mother exchanged greetings before quietly leaving. She visited him a few more times until he got out of the hospital, never staying too long or even saying much, just a brief how are you, I hope you're feeling better, before remembering somewhere she needed to be, it left him deflated, these brief encounters, a sudden high when she appeared at the door, haloed in her dawnish brightness, after she'd left it was night again inside him, accumulating darkness one tiny shadow of a doubt at a time.
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He'd been out of the hospital three weeks, she'd just been promoted to deputy, aided by a natural flair for diving deep into another's mind no doubt, and she'd been training for this all her life. Sakura, so happy for Ino, she and Tenten arrange a surprise party, Follow the trail of flowers to the forest where everyone's waiting with food and drink and stories of the old days. Shikamaru, shaking his head, She definitely knows you're up to something. Choji, smiling, So what? She'll love it anyway.
She did, her smile reaching almost to her ears when she saw the tables and flowers and her friends all there, Choji's mom had cooked all her favorite things, Kurenai had brought Mirai, who got barbecue sauce all over Kiba's uniform, Shikamaru and Choji with a bouquet of roses each, Ino teasing, Really, flowers for the florist's daughter, Shikamaru smirking, We couldn't resist.
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Sai, feeling lousy because he'd brought nothing, Sakura had forgotten to invite him until the last minute, she swore she'd only forgotten but he suspected something more, so he kept to the very edge of the group, staying out of conversations as much as he could without appearing rude.
Some time later, Shikamaru and Choji found him gingerly picking at the flower decor on the table. Old man Inoichi's ghost will haunt you if you keep doing that. He started at this teasing, frowned, refused to face them. What's the matter? You haven't said a word to her all evening.
His frown deepening. Tugging so hard at a leaf the stem breaks. The three of them gasp.
You know, Choji said, after a guilt-filled moment of silence, she's been waiting for you to say hello? Sai looked to his left, Ino flanked by all these people who adored her, knew her better than he, than he ever will maybe.
How much do you know?
Shikamaru, crossing his arms behind his head, eyes closed. Only that you told her how you felt many moons ago, last month on a mission where you almost croaked she said she liked you and it's been awkward ever since - what a drag of a situation, really.
I just - I don't think - Maybe I'm no good after all.
A firm hand on Sai's shoulder. Choji's. Shikamaru opened his eyes a crack, sighed. Ahh, you're an idiot, aren't you?
Kind Choji, heart of glass or gold. Oy, play nice. You promised to help, not make things worse.
Shikamaru took a cigarette from his pocket, lit it up with the flick of a silver lighter. She's always worn her heart on her sleeve, that one. Doesn't often end well. Can you blame her for not wanting to get hurt this time?
Get hurt? I - why - ?
Think you'll never do anything to hurt her? You're not collecting stones here, Sai, no one can promise anyone that.
What do I do?
Shikamaru on his second cigarette. Wait, maybe. For her to decide what she wants. Can't guarantee it will be the same as what you want though.
Flick, drag. Smoke billowing in gray, curly wisps.
Choji's hand still on his shoulder. I dare say she's worth waiting for, no?
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At Shikamaru's third cigarette, Ino came stomping over. Hey, no smoking near the flowers! I thought I told you -
Two-thirds of Team 10 scrammed, but not before giving Sai a look that said, This is it. Here's your chance, here's your window!
Ino cleared her throat, her eyes on the crushed stem in his hand.
I - uh -
It was almost comical the way she let out that breath. You know, you keep hanging out with those idiots and it's like they're already rubbing off on you. (A direct hit. Something her son would have a knack for later on.)
In his haste to escape, Shikamaru had dropped a cigarette. Ino picked it up, twirled it between two fingers.
He's becoming more and more like sensei, Ino said. Her smile fond, if a bit sad. I wonder -
Her voice, along with her thoughts, trailed off. Sai waited for her to continue.
It's not a bad thing really, being like Asuma-sensei, he's a good guy through and through, you know? Responsible too - well, except for the part where he left Kurenai-sensei and Mirai on their own, but then he couldn't have known that he'll -
She paused again, like she'd swallowed something bitter. Anyway - I just wish he'd stop going off on his own, pulling unnecessarily heroic stunts, I mean - I wish he'd rely on us more - we're his friends after all.
At this, Sai said, I see, that you really care about him.
Ino narrowed her eyes. Of course I do! It's the same with Choji – thankfully he's less of an idiot than Shikamaru, I mean, I know you all think he's a genius but to me he'll always be this lazy kid who's all what a drag, troublesome this, troublesome that, but he cares so much he can't not act, can't not let things be –
She sighed. I just wish he'd let me - us - help him, you know?
Ahh, Sai said, but then you're not so different from him, because you feel the need to help him, you can't let him be.
This gave her pause. She mulled the words, like she was turning them over, letter by letter, in her head.
Okay, she said, point. But - is it really a bad thing, wanting to help someone you care about? I mean, if it were you what would you do? Wouldn't you do the same for Naruto? For Sakura?
I would, he conceded. He looked at her, at the way her lashes fanned over skin, casting shadows. I definitely would. Then he said. You did the same for me.
At this her brows furrowed. Of course! How could I not? You're important to me, no matter what.
(There was a second part to that statement, something she could not bring herself to say but he heard anyway: You're important to me, no matter what, where we end up, whether we end up together.)
Now that you mention it, she said, and just like that there was the Ino he knew, rapid-fire talker she was, Don't go following in Shikamaru's footsteps, okay, promise you'll tell me when you leave and when you're due back, you always make me worry, you're so quiet, so introspective, and I -
He didn't really know why but this tirade made him laugh. Ino narrowed her eyes again at him. What's so funny? She punched him playfully on the shoulder. (Playfully - understatement of the year. He never forgot that she was also Tsunade's pupil and he'd been at the receiving end of that signature punch, maybe not as earth-shaking, bone-pulverizing as Sakura's but powerful nonetheless, later on when they're married he will have to keep reminding himself not to make her too angry, lest she reduce their house and the shop to rubble.)
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The night ended with a kiss, on the corner of his lips, both of them so shy and uncertain still, their friends snickering, because wow look who's really smitten, but she's pulling back already, stepping back and walking away, and it's as Shikamaru says, she's keeping him at bay, not wanting to get hurt this time, she's only protecting herself. And he would know a thing or two about building a wall around yourself, not wanting to gain something that could only wound you, not when your heart's just one big bruise –
Still, he hoped, that she'd let him walk her home and take her hand, tell him how her day went, if the boys over at Interrogations were giving her a hard time again, did the new recruit walk into a wall again, if she'd spoken with Shizune about the party for Lady Tsunade, he wanted to hear about all the bits and pieces of her day-to-day, the odds and ends of her loves and life, they meant so much to him, he who had so few of those sunlit fragments, so few stories that weren't a trail of corpses, weren't blood and shadow and bone.
And she did, let him walk her home when he plucked up the courage to ask, it started to rain and they ended up at his apartment because it was nearer, she stayed the night because it was late anyway, his skin hot on hers despite the rain, her hair taking up a lot of space on the tiny bed that barely fit the two of them, both lying awake listening to the other's heartbeat and the pitter-patter on the roof, thinking, Maybe this was a mistake.
But they ended up at the same place two days later, it was late then too but no rain, she watched him draw the flowers she'd brought along, they ate grocery store ramen and drank barley tea sold by the Auntie next door, after she'd left he could still taste the red of her lips on his, feel the dips and folds of her body under his palm, see every scar, the one on her back where she took a kunai for a comrade and the one on her knee when she fell from the swing as a child.
Days later, on his bed still but it's already morning, the longest she'd stayed over, and he tucking a golden lock of hair behind her ears, he said suddenly, Do you think you could ever love me? She started at this, pulled back from his touch, he'd said the wrong thing again probably, goddamnit, and he was already spiralling, she cupped his face with both hands, the warmth of her palms reeling him back, she was looking at him with a closed expression, and instead of looking her in the eyes he buried his face at the point where her collarbones met, breathing in her summer lily scent, he said, Sorry, I don't mean to rush you, I -
Her voice so tender, and so sad, when she answered, It's alright, give me a bit more time, okay?
And he said yes because he was Sai who waits, because it felt like he had been waiting for a long time, what's another lifetime if it meant holding her and not feeling like he still couldn't reach her. (Waiting didn't mean owning, it wasn't fair, but he was also the Sai who looked at her as if she held all the answers, and that wasn't fair either; it was also false, because she didn't have his answers, when all is said and done she wasn't the answer. They'll learn this the hard way, many many unintentional wounds later, the cuts will scar and mar the surface but will heal, the two of them will heal.)
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(They kissed again but instead of stars he tasted ash.)
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