A/N- Maybe this is meant to be sarcastic, maybe I'm a cynical shit. Either way I've just realized this will be my 51th story and somehow this is the only thing that felt right posting.
This is the Author's Note where I say that I own nothing (obviously) and give a brief summary of what you're going to read even though you've already clicked on the story, and you probably don't need anymore convincing to read it.
This is also where I explain the title or credit whatever obscure song or poem that I've quoted it from (assuming that the title isn't something painfully overused- or has the word 'love' in it).
This is a short story, it does not have enough exposition, it's climax is too excited and too expected, and the resolution is basically that everyone lives happily ever after. This short story has either far too many characters, or too few. What's even worse is that the characters it does have are flat, they are two-dimensional, and they do not develop.
The first character in this story is Regina Mills. Regina is made up of metaphors with skin like caramel and hair that shines like the night sky, the metaphors are old and cliched, but she is not. She is rich and powerful and wears nice clothes and commands the attention of any room that she walks into. She is one of our main characters, but she has mommy issues and sometimes she also has old ex-husband issues or son issues. We'll come back to the mommy issues later.
Regina will be rough and abrasive and she will be the character we love to hate. In the beginning she will come off hard and bitchy but that will just be because she is guarded. She will say things that she doesn't mean, she will use words that cut and she will not stick around to dress the wounds.
The second character is Emma Swan. Emma is our comedic relief, she is sweet and she is goofy, and she will cut through tension like a bull in a China shop (she will be the vehicle for old comparisons that you've probably heard a zillion times). Her hair is long and golden and it will fall in cliched cascading curls (which will also provide a nice bit of alliteration). Emma will be the character that we relate to because she will be easygoing and flawed, she is not rich or untouchable or pristine like Regina is.
Even though she too will hurl words painfully and even though she will do things that she'll regret, we will side with her because we will want her to be in the right.
Emma will work some sort of menial job in the service sector like as a waitress or bartender or barista, or maybe she will be a student or between jobs. That doesn't matter. What does matter is that she is barely making ends meet.
This story will begin with a meet cute, it will be quick and maybe it you're lucky it will even be a believable scenario. Like maybe Regina will be a local at the coffee shop where Emma works, or maybe they'll meet half drunk at a club. The specifics of the meeting doesn't matter so much, all that does really matter is that there will be instant chemistry.
Sparks will fly, and though they will probably fight when they first meet, that won't matter because they will be destined to be together.
Following the meet cute they will get together. This can happen in one of a few ways- friends, family, happenchance, or themselves. This is part of that too short exposition I was talking about earlier.
Because this build up can only go two ways. They'll meet for the second time and they'll either be magically in a perfect exclusive relationship, or one of them will reject the other and the rejected one will chase after until they get together.
This part is usually also characterized by overused scenarios, or cliched gestures, there is flowers, there is wooing, cutesy dates, and probably a misunderstanding that results in the two of them just getting closer. And cuddling, there's probably cuddling. In this story when they cuddle Regina will hate being the little spoon at first because of her issues with vulnerability that stem from her control issues that came from her ancient ex husband issues that inevitably was started by her mommy issues.
She still lets Emma be the big spoon.
Then there's the climax. This is the truly fun part of the story. The climax in this story is usually one of two options. The first is that Regina and Emma are spotted in public in a coupley scenario, they are photographed, or otherwise caught. That evidence gets circulated, and suddenly the couple is caught in a whirlwind of public scrutiny because of the massive class difference between them.
The second is that Regina's mother gets wind of their relationship. This may be a variant on the first type of climax, but it's unique in that their relationship is in peril because of Mama Mill's reaction. She will threaten either Regina's financial security or she will threaten Emma.
This is where this story is different. If the story has the first type of climax, it will be written something like this-
"Regina! I'm so sorry I was careless and I kissed you at the charity ball where I was working as a waitress and you were all dressed up and somebody (probably Sidney Glass because everybody loves it when there's multiple characters thrown in like that) took a picture and sent it to the newspaper." Emma cried, depressedly to her super awesome girlfriend.
"It's alright Emma, I love you anyway." Regina replied reassuringly (look at that alliteration).
"But the whole town is abuzz, there's no way we can make it under that scrutiny, I might lose my job or be at the center of attention and nobody will take you seriously."
Regina sighed, "Oh Emma, you've fallen victim to one of the classic pitfalls of fiction writing. You believe that we are the center of the universe. See in real life unless I was a ridiculous billionaire or maybe royalty, nobody is going to give a damn about who I'm seeing." The brunette smiled in a condescending way that somehow still managed to make Emma's heart race, "Nobody gives a flying fuck about the intimate details of my life or yours, at least not enough to cause a real issue with our relationship."
Emma chuckled sheepishly, "Yeah I guess you're right." She rubbed the back of her neck in an endearing gesture we can all picture her doing- remember, Emma is the relatable one in this story.
This concludes the first option for the climax in this story. The second goes a little something like this-
"Regina! You're mother knows that we're together, what will happen?" Emma cried to her super-awesome mega-foxy-hot girlfriend.
"Well she'll probably threaten to take away my trust fund since my family is disgustingly rich." Regina said regretfully.
"Then what? Will you break up with me to maintain your lavish lifestyle?"
Regina laughed before she realized that Emma was entirely serious, "No, of course I'm not going to break up with you to please my mother. I'm a grown ass woman for fucks sake. I can support myself."
"Too fucking right you are!" Emma and Regina laughed together before Emma suddenly sobered up, "But what if she threatens me or my financial stability?"
Regina reflected reluctantly (more alliteration!), "That's definitely possible. But if she threatens you physically we can always go to the police because this is fucking America in the twenty first century where you can't exactly put out a hit on anyone. If she threatens you financially I think all we'll need to do is climb out of that fun little fiction pitfall we've already examined and realize that and old rich woman doesn't really have as much pull as we would all like to think she does."
Emma thought on this for a moment, "So what you're saying is that the climax of our story can't just be thrown together 'because plot' without a believable reason?"
Regina smiled at Emma's understandable confusion. It's moments like this that makes us hate Regina because she comes off cold and uppity, "Oh Emma. The climax can be thrown together however the hell our dear writer wants, that's the beauty of an open platform. Just look at our writer in particular, have you seen any of her early stories?"
"Once again, you're right." Emma admitted with a bit of reluctance. She hates having to acknowledge that Regina is right, "She really wrote some trash when she started out."
This is where the climax of the second option ends. Not because it is a good stopping point, but because the writer is fed up and reconsidering the choices she made in her life that led her to this point.
Following the climax is the resolution. As promised, the resolution of this story is that everyone lives happily ever after, there might be an epilogue with future children who look just like the parents and are perfect angels (because no fictional future children are ever ungrateful brats). This epilogue doesn't have perfect children, but it does have cuddling because I'm a sucker for cuddling.
Emma curled up behind Regina, draping a tired arm over her waist, and sneaking a smooth leg between her wife's. Regina smiled softly to herself, settling back into the blonde's hold. She felt Emma nose aside her hair and press a soft kiss to the back of her neck.
Her issues with vulnerability that stem all the way back to her issues with her mother are still there, but now she's learnt to trust in Emma.
A/N- This is the second Author's note in this story. It's probably as unnecessary as the first. This is where I say that I hope you enjoyed it even though I'm not sure I care because I finally wrote this story for myself. This is where I tell you to 'drop a review to let me know what you thought' because even if I wrote it for myself I'm a human with an ego that needs to be boosted just like anyone else.