This fic is part of a series - Please refer to my profile for where this falls in the timeline. However, this can also read as a stand-alone fic, so feel free to take it as it is. :)

Okay, here's where things take a dark turn. Be warned, my fellow Near/Sayu shippers - this is where things begin to get ugly. I am planning out four chapters for this one and may come back to make some edits later - if I do, I will let you know.

Anyway - not much to say this time. Onward!

-Disclaimer-

January 28 was a difficult day for Sayu. It marked the day her brother had died while in pursuit of Kira. Although he had died a hero and had put a stop to Kira's killings as a result (well, with the exception of the recent killings of the elderly that just did not ring true with Kira's original MO, in her mind), it did nothing to assuage the fact that he was gone. It was even harder to deal with this year because not only was her mother inconsolable as usual, but her Nate was out of the country on another one of his cases as well.

Somehow dealing with the anniversary of her brother's death was more difficult now that Nate was in her life. Not that he was responsible for what had happened, of course, it was just that he brought such a wonderful bright light into her life, the dark shadows that clung to the corners of her mind seemed especially dark and difficult to stave off in his absence. It was like an apartment infested with roaches - turn on the light, and they all scatter and hide; but once that light goes off, they creep back out and linger, crawling and scuttling about in their loathsome existence.

Without Nate's calming presence and with her mother being emotionally unavailable during this time, Sayu was left with virtually no one to talk to. Sure, she did have some friends left over from school, but Sayu had learned some time ago that her so-called "friends" were actually only what her mother referred to as "fair-weather" friends. None of them knew how to deal with her depression and sometimes downright dark moods, and she had the distinct impression that they did not really care either. Instead of listening to her or even trying to be helpful, they would either tell her to "just cheer up" (as if that were something she could just do on a whim - if only it were that easy) or they would change the subject to something they felt more comfortable with, which most of the time consisted of things she was just not that interested in anymore. Then again, none of them had ever lost any family - at least not in the horrendous ways she had lost her father and brother - and to her knowledge, none of them had ever been kidnapped and held hostage at gunpoint either. Still, it left her feeling like her feelings did not matter, and so she tended to avoid her friends anymore, especially around certain anniversaries.

On top of that, she had not heard from Nate all day. Although that admittedly stung her a bit, she figured he must have been super busy on his current case. There was no way he would have left her alone all day, given what day it was and all, unless he could not help it. Making assumptions about her Nate was the last thing she wanted to do, and so she decided that the next best thing was to go out for the night. Even if he decided to call in her absence, she was sure he would understand her need to get out for a bit. She reasoned that he would not want her sitting around all day by herself and shrouding herself with the dark, depressing thoughts that manifested themselves if she spent too much time alone. Once she got going down that path, breaking out of it was a struggle. He had witnessed this himself a couple times, and the only things that had broken the mood were either sex if he was physically present, or a late-night philosophical conversation if he was away. Either way, he was not available, and that left her with nothing to help her ward off the dark thoughts.

It was an act of desperation that led her to digging up Matsuda's phone number with the intention of inviting herself out with him and the other officers for sushi and drinks on the third anniversary of her brother's death. Despite her desperation, she had dialed Matsuda's number into her phone with some apprehension, unsure of how he would react to hearing from her after so long. She had not spoken to anyone from the NPA since her brother's funeral. The men who had worked with her father for so long would check up on her mother from time to time and would ask her about Sayu, but none of them actually spoke directly with Sayu herself. Matsuda was the only one of them who, after the conclusion of the services three years ago, had given her his number (Nate had also given her his number, but she knew that he was not associated with the NPA in any way, and, although she had found it curious at first, she had accepted it and found it more comforting to talk to this bizarre stranger than people she actually knew). The good-natured officer had told her to call him if she ever needed anything, even if it was just to have a shoulder to cry on. She had never seen the need to call him before now and she was hoping that she was not only using him now by doing so. She doubted that he would see it that way, but it still left her feeling apprehensive and awkward.

When Matsuda picked up, he sounded almost exactly the same as he did three years ago. Almost. His voice was still welcoming, but the cheerfulness that had come so naturally before everything seemed a bit more forced now. She knew how much the man had respected her father and her brother, and although some selfish part of her wanted to say that he was not the one who had lost family, she knew that he also had the right to grieve the loss of friends. In a society that did not have the time, patience, or knowledge of how to handle depression, people like her and Matsuda, it seemed, were forced to wear a mask over it as best as possible. Sometimes, only other people wearing the same mask could see through yours.

"Hello? This is Touta Matsuda."

She hesitated a moment before slowly saying, "Hi, Matsuda. It's Sayu."

The voice on the other end suddenly brightened by several octaves, "Sayu! Long time, no talk! How are you?" He then seemed to realize what day it was and the possibility of why she was calling - she could all but hear the click in his brain. "A-Are you doing okay?"

Those four little words all of a sudden made her want to cry. She had not been asked that question all day.

"Um, yeah.. mostly, I think," she squeezed her eyes shut and felt her eyelashes moisten with unshed tears, "I just.. I'm sorry to call you from out of nowhere like this, I just needed someone to talk to." She winced at how selfish those words sounded, but she did not know how to make it sound any better.

"No, no, it's okay, I'm glad you called. I told you you could call me any time for any reason," he reassured her, and it was a relief for her to hear someone sound so genuine for once. Of course, her Nate was always genuine, but he had this quiet way of speaking that, while it was endearing to her most of the time, sometimes it made it difficult for her to read him.

After a brief pause, he added, "Do... Do you need me to come over?"

"Actually," she said with a shuddering sigh that had come from nowhere, "I was wondering if you and the others were going out tonight and if I might be able to join you."

"Well, sure," he sounded a bit surprised, "We're just going to be ordering some sushi and drinks, but I guess you already knew that or else you wouldn't be asking to come."

She found herself beginning to smile, which felt good after a whole day of wanting to cry. "If it's not too much trouble...?"

"You're never too much trouble, Sayu," he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice, too. "What time should I pick you up? We usually meet up around 7."

"Then I guess 6:30 is fine," she said, glancing over at the clock and noting the time. 5:49 PM - that would give her enough time to get showered and at least semi-decent. She did not really feel like changing out of her pajamas, which were actually a pair of Nate's pajamas that he had left over there. She briefly considered wearing them out in the same way that her Nate did, but she decided that if there was a possibility she would be drinking, she should at least throw on some jeans and a t-shirt, even if she hadn't done her laundry all week. Besides, they were too loose on her and revealing in some areas as a result, and she would rather save that for when Nate returned to her.

"All right," he agreed, "I'll see you at 6:30, then."

"Okay. I'll text you my address. See you in a bit." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "Thank you, Matsuda."

"No problem. See you soon," he said, and then there was silence on the other end.

She pressed the "end call" button on her phone and set it down on her desk. She stared blankly at her computer screen for a moment, at the last line in her story that she had written the night before. She had not been able to get any words out all day. Her story was just getting to the good part, and yet she could not find the willpower to put any of her ideas down. Her chapters that had previously come to her all at once had all but ground to a halt over the last couple of weeks, partially because she was thinking so much about her brother, partially because she had been feeling under the weather and was just wanting to sleep all day, two things that were not conducive to good writing but were unable to be helped.

Well, her audience would just have to wait. She decided that she needed this outing more than they needed to know what had become of Amaya and Kaito after the fall. And who knew - maybe she would gain some pep and inspiration after a few drinks.

Less than an hour later, there was a knock at her door which signaled the arrival of a beaming Touta Matsuda. She resisted the urge to hug him at first, but, after retrieving her purse and keys, gave in and did so anyway. He seemed a bit surprised at first, loosely hugging her back before stepping back awkwardly while she locked up.

The ride to the gastropub was segued mostly with small talk - questions about how each of their days had been, talk of the weather, topics of that sort. Sayu knew what they both wanted to talk about, but for some reason she could not bring herself to broach the subject. It seemed he could not either, because she noticed an unusual tension around his eyes that was only there when he thought she was not looking. Matsuda had never been good at concealing his emotions - that much she knew even from the brief amount of time she had spent in his presence - so she could tell that there was something on his mind beyond what had happened on this day three years prior. Not wanting to think too much on it, she chalked it up to stress from the recent string of "Kira" killings - no doubt that was causing chaos among he and his colleagues.

When they arrived, the two of them joined Shuichi Aizawa, Kanzo Mogi, and Hideki Ide at the bar, Sayu finding herself safely seated between Aizawa and Matsuda. They passed a menu around, each of them ordering their respective sushi and drinks, before truly striking up conversation with one another. In all actuality, Matsuda and Sayu were the two who did most of the talking - the others seemed content with listening and focusing on their drinks, intermittently making snide remarks in response to some of Matsuda's not-so-bright comments or asking Sayu about how her life was going. None of them brought up the subject of why they were all there, though she figured at this point that it was never going to be brought up with them. The fact that they were all there together was bringing it up enough.

When Sayu's order arrived, as she gazed upon the little rolls and at the raw fish in particular, she felt an odd churning in her stomach. She ended up pushing the plate away, allowing Matsuda to help himself, and next made a grab for her beer. But the taste and smell of that also turned her stomach. Wrinkling her nose, she set down the bottle and asked for a water, a cranberry juice, and some crackers instead. Matsuda gave her a concerned side-glance, but to his credit said nothing, which she appreciated.

In truth, she wasn't altogether surprised by her sudden aversion to the sushi and beer - she had hardly been able to eat anything all day. All week, even. She knew it had been because of the upcoming anniversary of her brother's death, though. She had had similar reactions in the past, though she did feel a bit disappointed at not being able to at least take the edge off her sadness with at least one beer. Oh well. She would just have to deal with it.

Over the course of the next couple hours, while the others had all sipped conservatively at their drinks, it became obvious that Matsuda had knocked back a few more than he had intended. While he became more and more chatty as the night went on, Sayu fell back into a polite silence, every now and then responding to his random conversational prompts, which only encouraged him further. By the end of the night, he was red in the face, stumbling off his stool, and requiring the assistance of one annoyed Aizawa.

When Sayu asked how Matsuda was going to get home in one piece, Aizawa grumbled, "Let the idiot take a cab home and find his own way back here in the morning to get his car. It's his own damn fault for not knowing his alcohol tolerance at his age."

Displeased with the idea of letting Matsuda ride home drunk in a cab all by himself, Sayu called a cab over, helped him inside, and then climbed in after him, determined to at least see him safely home first before parting ways. The entirety of the ride was spent with Sayu continuing to listen to Matsuda's overly friendly drunken chatter about anything and everything - work, a commercial he saw the other day, stray cats, his favorite color, you name it. She felt moderately irritated by this despite how grateful she had felt for his company in the beginning. It's just that she was simply not used to so much frivolous conversation anymore. The only kind of "frivolous" chatter she desired now were those random late-night chats she had with Nate over the computer while he was away on his cases, which (and whom) she was sorely missing at the moment. She wondered what he was up to right at that moment and if maybe he was trying to call her. She felt anxious to get home and find out, but she would not have felt right leaving Matsuda to fend for himself in his condition. She liked Matsuda enough, but she decided that she liked him much better when he was sober and not inconveniencing her with his drunken shenanigans, but then she figured she had first inconvenienced him by inviting herself out with him.

When the cab arrived at Matsuda's apartment, Sayu paid the driver and helped the fumbling man out of the cab. Getting a drunk, unsteady Matsuda up a couple cases of stairs proved to be a challenge in and of itself, especially when he kept rattling on about how nice she smelled and how pretty she was - even more so when her stomach gave another disconcerting lurch at the strong smell of his alcohol-saturated breath hitting her square in the face. Thank goodness he was at least sentient enough to produce his keys from the pocket of his trousers, thus sparing her the awkwardness of having to reach in to retrieve them herself.

From there, she steered him into the direction of what she correctly assumed to be his room and deposited him onto the bed in a smiling, happy-go-lucky heap. When she moved to leave, she was startled to the point of gasping when she felt his hand reach out and enclose around hers. She was so taken by surprise, her natural reaction was to snatch her hand away, leaving his hand to fall limply onto his bed in the process.

"You're so nice, Sayu," he mumbled, head lolling onto his pillow.

"Um.. Thanks, I guess. You're nice, too, Matsuda," she returned, feeling awkward as all hell.

"No, really," he sighed, trying to push himself further up onto his bed and succeeding only at knocking some pillows off the other side. He slung an arm over his eyes to block out the light from the lamp on his nightstand. "You're so nice and you don't even know it. You're better than any of us, and stronger, too. I wish I could be as nice and strong as you. But I'm not. I'm not..."

Sayu could do nothing but sit there, feeling out of place and a creeping feeling like she should run out of there before something strange happened. She couldn't explain the feeling, but it wasn't good and it caused the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. On some level, she later wished that she had listened to her instincts and fled while she had the chance.

But it was too late. The next words out of Matsuda's mouth caused her heart to drop into her stomach like a dead weight.

He muttered, "I'm sorry for killing Light," and then he was gone.