Ferne's Thoughts: TRIGGER WARNING! SELF-HARM, IMPLIED SEXUAL ABUSE, MENTAL ILLNESS.So, I had the idea for this story while reading Batman fics. Shipping? JokerxHarley. Don't shame me, it's my guilty gut-wrenching pleasure. Tell me if you want more after this? If not, I'll probably still make some.
Seras sat on the floor of her bathroom, tears clouding her eyes as her body shook with anger. She hit herself again, her tiny fists beating at her cheeks until her teeth hurt. She moved her hands to her hair, grabbing a fistful and yanking at it. She squealed a moment later as she felt the stinging of the ripping. She opened her tightly shut eyes and looked at the handful of patchy pale hair. It didn't satisfy her so she went back in for another, and another.
Suddenly, she growled and stood. She stared at her reflection her dirty mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheek already starting to blacken with a deep bruise. The longer she stared, the more enraged she became. Her hair was frizzy, sticking up in odd places at her shoulders from where she ripped it out from. The rest of it sat below her chest, split ends and white patches running through the dark locks. All of it was turning white, from stress, the doctors said. She was panting, anger filling and tipping over inside of her. She slapped herself, never breaking eye contact.
"Fucking Seras. You're an idiot, don't you understand? You'll never be good enough, never make 'em proud. You should just fuckin' top yourself now. Do it!" she yelled at her reflection. She continued staring at herself for a moment longer, fresh tears falling hot on her already heated cheeks. Suddenly, she went calm. All anger disappeared from her body. A coldness ran through her veins. She nodded slowly. Her heart raced. "Just… do it," she whispered.
She turned, robotically, and walked to her small kitchen. Crouching down to reach a bottom drawer, she pulled out a pack of razor blades. She opened the package and pulled one large blade out. She took the cardboard from the sharp edge and placed it neatly on the counter. She turned again and made her way to the dimly lit bathroom. She looked down to her pale arm. She traced the long blue vein with the blade, lightly, before placing it at the base of her palm. A shiver overtook her body.
She quickly brought the blade up to her neck and cut off her long hair. All of the dark brown locks fell to the ground as she sliced at it. She left nothing but the pale hair, in choppy, messy layers. Her anger renewed by the act of cutting at something, she sliced hard down her arm. She cried out, the razor falling from her hand in shock. "Bloody hell!" she cried, hand reaching down to try and stop the bleeding. "Oh, no, no, no." Tears fell from her eyes and blood fell around her porcelain sink, staining the pure color.
Her heart began to beat quickly, panic rising in her chest. She looked around the bathroom and found her cellphone, covered in her blood. From her arm, blood gushed and poured angrily. She wiped her face of tears, blood replacing them. She grabbed the phone and shakily unlocked it. The dial tone rang through her ears like mocking laughter.
"Hello, 999? I've just slit my wrist."
She sat in the empty hospital room. Her lawyer was there, her therapist joining him. She looked to the sterile sheets across her lap, eyes flitting between her bandaged arm and the I.V in her other. She sniffed, the scent of alcohol making her eyes water. Both of the people in her room were talking to her, but she wasn't paying attention.
"Well, Seras?" She turned to her lawyer, a balding chubby man in a dingy suit. "What do you want to do?" She closed her eyes.
"I want to go away. I want to do it. I don't care how far away, I just want to go." The lawyer and the therapist looked between each other before sighing in unison.
"We've looked up any places with openings and we've only come up with two in your budget." Seras didn't reply, instead just nodding. "Bell View, and New Day. Any preference?" She thought for a moment.
"I want to be around other people. I've been isolated for so long, I just want to talk to people, you know?" Her therapist nodded, her pen shaking in her hand as she bounces her knee.
"I'd like to recommend Bell View, then."
"Oh. What's that place like?" The woman laughed.
"Well, I've never qualified to be in there." She quickly cleared her throat and covered her poor joke. "But, you do. I've personally never had a patient go there, but I've heard good things from doctors and other therapists that have worked there." Seras didn't care whether it was 'good' or not, she just wanted to get away.
"I'll go there then." She sighed and rested her head on the pillow.
Doctor Avila grinned as he looked at the file he had been faxed. In it was a picture of a tired-looking blonde, her blue eyes eager and filled with complicity. Circles rested around her eyes, making her look older than her meager age of 19. He read the files over again.
"Immediate hospitalization of patient due to suicide attempt. To be placed on intensive suicide watch. Impulsive. No anger issues known at this time, nor violent outbursts against others. Currently on medication, Zoloft, 75 mg. May need to increase dose. Taken at night, not during the day. Patient has prior history of self-harm and suicidal ideation. Quiet during depressive episodes, bubbly during manic ones. Clinical depression diagnosis. Methods of self-harm: cutting, burning, punching, hair-pulling, starving, etc. Current time asking for is a minimum of 3 months. Patient is giving up rights upon entry, has signed waivers giving doctors of your hospice complete control over her time." He laughed, the sound deep.
"Seras Victoria, hm?" He set the file down. "Well, we're gonna have fun, just wait and see!"
Seras slept the entire journey, only to be woken by nurses with flashlights looking into her face. She hissed at the sudden light, and complied as they inspected her body. They counted her scars, checked her for contraband not allowed in the hospital. She winced as they checked her blood pressure, and looked away as some nurses whispered about her. Soon, however, they brought her to a room. A male nurse handed her an armful of things; her clothes, regulated shampoo, regulated body wash, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. They promised to bring in her books the next day.
As she laid in the crisp, poorly padded bed, she thought over what they had said to her.
"Breakfast at half-past 7, first group at 9 through 10:30, lunch at 12, second group at 1 through 2:30, physical starts after second group, ends before dinner at 5. Any time in between scheduled activities are free time. You can stay in your room, socialize, read, write- though suicide watch aren't allowed pencils, so that's a no go for you… You'll probably just stay in your room the first few days, most do. No pressure, I hear you're here for a decent time." And they just left, like that.
She decided that she would go to all the activities the next day, after she'd slept. Hopefully, she thought, some other inmates can talk me through things. She scoffed at herself. Inmates? What am I? A prisoner? No. I'm a patient. That sounds much better. She sighed and adjusted her bandaged arm to a comfortable position on the bed. Closing her eyes, she slept, trying to imagine that she was back in her bed.
A light woke her up, first, then the voice.
"Wakey, wakey! Hey, it's, ah… Seras, right?" She mumbled a response against the paper-pillow. "Great," the voice said, "then it's time to get up. If you want food. 7:15."
"I thought breakfast started at 7:30?" she mumbled again.
"Yeah, but all the good seats will get taken if you don't show up early. Crazy people are hungry people." Seras chuckled and rose, hissing as her arm stung. Her door closed, the nurse leaving her room. She cracked her neck and moved to the bathroom, quickly scrubbing her face and brushing her teeth. She changed into a dark blue tank-top, pulling on a pair of sweats. She played with her hair a bit, grimacing at its short length. She brushed it off and sighed, making her way for the cafeteria.
Nobody had told her where it was, so she just followed the sound of people talking and ended up at the right place. The cafeteria was a large room, with tables to sit at and large chairs against the wall to sit in. She decided against a table seat, immediately, not wanting any sudden socializing. There were people filing in, sitting in little cliques and groups. She sat in a wall chair, nearly blending in with the pale paint of the wall and the dark blue of the chair. She sat cross legged and watched the people come in.
She noticed that there were many people around her age, some looking even younger. Though some were older, nobody seemed to be much older than she, perhaps the oldest so far in his thirties. As she watched, she realized that the prepare specialized meals for people, calling them up by name to get trays from a trolly. While that in itself didn't bother her, the calling of the names did. Seras had no wanting for attention now, instead preferring to blend in to the wall as she was.
Soon, however, the room was nearly full, and they called her name. She slowly rose from her chair and the room grew silent. She felt dozens of eyes on her, but she didn't pay them any mind, instead letting her own fall to the floor as she walked to get her food. As she turned around from the nurse who handed her the tray, she heard a man call to her.
"Who's the blonde?" After a second he spoke again. "Damn, you've got some big tits! Is that 'no-fucking-rule' still in place?" Laughter filled the room and Seras felt her cheeks burn. She bit her lip and started walking back to her seat.
Soon enough, the attention was off of her, and she felt at ease again. She stayed in the cafeteria until group started. She didn't eat breakfast.
Ms. Vincent sat at one end of the large circle table overlooking her patients in the group that day. She recognized quite a few, but there was also quite a few she didn't recognize. Looks like an introduction is in order!, she thought to herself with a cheery smile.
Ms. Vincent was young, having received her PhD early in her youth. She felt that she would be better able to connect to the younger generation the younger she was, and looked. That idea is up for debate amongst the patients.
As more and more filed in, Mondays being mandatory meetings, she shuffled her papers and got ready for the session. She waited five minutes to see if anybody else would enter, and when they didn't, she began.
"Now, quiet down everyone! Today's group session will start with an introduction. Now, I know many of you already, so I apologize if this is getting tiring for you all. My name is Clarina Vincent, and I am one of the therapists on-site here at Bell View. Now, we're going to go around the table," she looked around to see that the table had filled and there were others littered around the room, "I mean room, and introduce ourselves. Our names, why we're here, and what we hope to accomplish. Does that sound alright?" She didn't wait for an answer before beginning.
Seras felt her heart pumping quicker as her turn came up. She nearly stuttered out her words. "My name is Seras Victoria, and I'm here because I suppose I tried to kill myself." She raised up her bandaged arm. "I don't know what I want out of this, honestly. I think I just wanted to get away from the world." She shrugged. "I haven't really been around people that much the past few years, so I suppose that was another thing." Ms. Vincent smiled at her, and Seras already began to despise it.
"And how old are you, love?"
"I'm 19." She shifted in her chair, glad that the questionnaire portion had finally finished with her being the last person. Her attention was grabbed when a man slowly spoke after her.
"What about him? He hasn't said shit." Seras looked up and quickly found that the man who had spoken was pointing by her against the wall. She turned her head to find a tall man sitting several seats away from her, more in the dark of the corner and away from the fluorescent lights. She squinted as she tried to get a good look at him, and he leaned forward out of the shadows.
"I had assumed you had all gotten tired of my introducing myself. I know I am." His voice was deep, and silky; it entranced Seras and made her feel at ease. She smiled slightly. As she looked into his face, she took in his sharp features, the curve of the smirk on his pale lips, the raven hair falling gently around his shoulders, even the casual suit he wore. He looked elegant and so out of place here. I wonder why he's here? Criminally insane, perhaps? She chuckled to herself. His eyes flicked over to her quickly and he cocked his head, smirk widening. As he spoke, he looked to her only. "My name is Alucard. And I'm here because I'm a vampire." Seras felt herself stiffen.
A… vampire?