A/N: Random bursts of inspiration apparently come at midnight. Clocked this one at an hour and fifteen minutes, give or take a bit. I'm slowing down, phew. This was actually based on a conversation a friend and I had when we were stuck during a flood with no money, no food, and no running water. It seriously sucked. Anyway, this is extremely random, unedited, unbeta'd, and rushed, so forgive me for the insanity. It ended up as mostly dialogue because I felt it would be funnier that way...and because I couldn't help myself from writing it that way, actually.
Oh yes, I've been asked whether my oneshots are set after OTNK and the answer is yes, all of them are, and this one is as well. I'll probably continue writing OTNK-verse stories, including a new multichap I'm attempting to flesh out... but I'm struggling with it so don't expect it all that soon.
As usually this is going on too long so I dedicate this one to all my lovely reviewers.
Yumegokochi
"It's raining today… it appears that the scheduled stroll around the campus grounds must be postponed until tomorrow. For today we can have regular activities instead," Kyouya said, pushing his glasses up his nose. "We don't have a contingency plan seeing as someone decided to spill maple syrup on the Renaissance costumes we were supposed to use for that purpose… and on all the clothes that we had stored in the club room…"
"Yeah milord, say sorry," Hikaru said, poking the blonde.
"What do you mean, milord? Hikaru, that was entirely your fault," his twin interjected.
"Me? He spilled it!"
Kyouya gave him a look. "Hikaru, putting a pitcher of maple syrup in Tamaki's hands and then letting him into the room where the costumes are kept is tantamount to simply throwing the pitcher's contents on everything yourself."
Kaoru nodded. "Yeah. It's weird, but it seems like he spilled way more syrup than there was in that thing. And how do you trip and spill everything in such a way that the contents of four whole wardrobes were soaked?"
"Why did you do it?" Haruhi sighed.
Hikaru reddened and Kaoru let out an exasperated breath. "Oh for God's sake, Hikaru, just because my codpiece was bigger than yours..."
"You purposely made it like that!"
"I'm the designer, I think I know our sizes perfectly well."
"We're twins!"
"Well apparently we're not exactly the same," the younger redhead replied.
"You should be happy about that, Hika-chan," Hunny said. "Otherwise every time Kyou-chan looked at Kao-chan's body it would be like seeing you naked."
The club went quiet. "Hunny-sempai," Hikaru muttered through clenched teeth, his hands balling into fists, "there are just some things better left unsaid... now excuse me while I go scrub out my brain... and kill sempai..."
Tamaki pouted and looked outside. "If the rain lets up then we could always continue with—"
"It's raining pretty hard," Haruhi interrupted. "Besides, the weather report said that it would keep raining the whole day. There's a storm." Of course Haruhi regularly checked the forecast, given her lightning phobia. She shivered a little, and Mori put a protective arm around her shoulders.
"Ne, ne, what if the rain kept falling forever?" Hunny asked, putting his face to the window. "What if there was a flood and we were all stuck here?"
"What, sort of like what Midori-san was in when sempai went to rescue her?" Kaoru asked.
"Yeah!"
Kyouya sighed. "In that case, our families would undoubtedly find a way to get us back to our homes. I'm certain that at least my security guards would be able to retrieve me. And the rain today is merely a storm caused by pressure differences that is supposed to leave the area by later tonight."
"Y'know, I don't think you get what the whole concept of 'what if' is," Hikaru snorted. "Besides, what if the storm got so bad that your guards couldn't get you out? I mean, they're not perfect."
The Shadow King smiled sweetly at him. "Then they may die trying," he said in a tone that made everyone else take a step back.
"Their dead bodies could become a bridge that he'd walk back to his house on," pondered Kaoru.
The others stared at him and Hikaru shook his head woefully. "Kaoru… I'm begging you, stop dating him. He's corrupting your naturally good nature.'
"Naturally good?" Kaoru repeated, raising his eyebrows. "You seem to forget that I'm your twin, Hikaru, and that we therefore share the same wicked core…"
"No, he's right, you're good at heart. You two are kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," commented Haruhi.
"Hey, I never said I was evil," Hikaru protested.
"Yeah, but no one else will ever say that you're not."
"So let's say that there was a huge storm, the streets are all flooded and we were all stuck here for a month," Tamaki said, joining in.
"No! Rain for a month straight…that's impossible." Haruhi was pale at the thought.
"You can join sempai in the 'don't-get-the-words-"what if" corner over there," Hikaru said, making a shooing motion with his hand. "And let's make this fun. If it rained for a month, then all the utilities would be cut off. No electricity."
"We'd starve to death," Hunny put in.
Kyouya shook his head. "The cafeteria is well-stocked, the school has a backup generator, and the concept of it raining for a month straight is so improbable that it may as well be impossible. In any event, I repeat, our families would find a way to remove us from such a predicament."
"Besides, Hunny-sempai, your snack cupboard is so full that we could eat cake for that whole month," Kaoru added. "If you don't eat, that is." If they let Hunny get his hands on those snacks they wouldn't even last a day.
"Actually you're pretty wrong," Haruhi said, finally joining in. "Yeah, the kitchen's well-stocked, but it's all perishable stuff. You guys don't have any canned foods or anything here since the school uses only the best and freshest ingredients for the food. If the power went out, there's a chance the generator will fail too, especially if there's lightning…" She trailed off.
"No lightning," the others rushed to reassure her. "It's, uh, a storm without lightning or thunder or anything like that. Just plain rain."
"Anyway all the food would go bad," she finished.
"A valid point, but in the space of time between the food remaining intact and the food spoiling, surely we could find a means to preserve at least some of it, for example through salting or smoking the meat that they keep."
Hikaru glanced at Kaoru. "Tell me why you date him again?" Kaoru punched him in the arm.
"At least if we really did get stuck here I'd have someone smart to help me survive," he said, sticking his tongue out at his older brother.
"Yeah, but we're not really stuck here and he's always so damn right."
"I'll take that as a compliment," Kyouya said with a little smile.
"No, it's annoying. Besides, you probably use your demon powers to make everything go as you say it will."
"Shhh! Don't let him know that you know... if he does he'll kill you," Kaoru said in a mocking stage-whisper before poking his brother hard in the ribs, precisely where he knew Hikaru's ticklish spot was. He smirked at the yelp his action elicited.
"What if we got locked in here then?" Haruhi challenged. "Hunny-sempai's cakes have spoiled, the flood will get us if we take even one step out of this room, and you can't rely on anyone rescuing us. What would you do?"
"You know, we all know how to swim, and there are windows which certainly aren't locked, and then there are nearby locations where we could seek refuge..."
They all gave a little cry of frustration. "Kyou-chan, at least play along," Hunny complained. "Or else we're going to say 'what if there was a zombie apocalypse' and then you have to play with even worse conditions."
"Oh no, I'm actually well-prepared for the event of a zombie apocalpyse," Kyouya said.
They stared. "You believe in zombies, sempai?" Haruhi ventured.
"If Tamaki exists, anything can."
"MOOOOOOTHEEEEEERRRRR! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?"
"He's actually got a point, though," Hunny said.
"Nah, don't let him fool you. He's prepared for a zombie apocalypse because he's going to be the cause of it," Hikaru said. "While pretending to run hospitals and medical care, Ootori Corp. is actually doing human experiments that will eventually lead to the creation of the zombie infection..."
"You've been playing too many video games," Kaoru commented.
Kyouya, in turn, gave Hikaru a scary smile. "Why, Hikaru... have you been breaking into our files?"
Even the notorious Hitachiin couldn't help turning white and backing off at the tone. "Uh... nice joke, sempai," he said meekly.
"Back to the original question, then," Haruhi put in quickly, not wanting to contemplate whether Kyouya really was going to unleash a zombie horde on the rest of the world.
Because honestly, none of them would put it past him.
"All right then. We could simply roast Tamaki," Kyouya replied.
There was a stunned silence. "KYOOOOOOUYYYYYAAAAAAA! YOU MONSTER!"
The Shadow King shrugged. "I deliberated for a moment between you and Hikaru, but as I'm uncertain what poison Hikaru would contain, I decided that it would have to be you. If we cut and preserve your meat properly you should last us quite a while." Tamaki turned green at the thought.
"What do you mean poison?" Hikaru butted in, livid. "You're the demon spawn! I don't know how Kaoru even kisses you without throwing up—ow! Damn it, Kaoru, don't throw shoes at people!"
Kaoru retrieved the said shoe and examined it. "You made me scuff my shoes."
"Then don't throw them!"
"Then don't insult my boyfriend, baka!" he replied smartly, bonking him on the head with his elbow.
Haruhi frowned. "I don't know… would we catch Tamaki-sempai's idiocy through eating him?"
"My darling daughter, you would eat your own father?" Tamaki wailed, grabbing onto her shoulders.
"Oi, milord, that's sexual harassment. Let go before Mori-sempai kicks your ass."
"We could make Hikaru eat it first to test," Haruhi said.
"Hey, why me?"
Kyouya chuckled. "I'm afraid that wouldn't be a good way to check, Haruhi. They're both fools."
"Oh yeah..."
"What do you mean 'oh yeah'?" Hikaru demanded.
"Ne, I don't think Tama-chan would taste very good," Hunny butted in. "I bet Hika-chan and Kao-chan would, though. They would probably taste like maple syrup."
"In that case, wouldn't you be even more delicious?" Hikaru grinned. "You would be just like a cake."
Hunny thought for a moment. "Can I eat myself? I could take off an arm or a leg at a time…" He contemplated that for a moment before biting his thumb.
"O-oi… Hunny-sempai, that's not really…"
Hunny looked at them with astonished eyes. "It really does taste sweet!"
They were dumbfounded. "Mitsukini," Mori interrupted. "You still have the cream on your hands from the pastry earlier."
"Oh… right."
Tamaki looked up at the ceiling, contemplating. "So we'd all be together in here for a month?"
"We'd end up driving each other crazy," Kaoru said. "Well, Hikaru and Kyouya-sempai would."
"Are you kidding me? We'd all probably die and your freaky boyfriend would escape unscathed, laughing like a maniac over our corpses."
They stared at Kyouya, who twitched. "I… can actually imagine that happening," Tamaki whimpered.
"We'd have to kill Kyouya-sempai first, before he gets us," Haruhi agreed.
Kyouya glared. "Haruhi, I might have to warn you that certain death threats are unhealthy not for the person you make them to but rather for the person who makes them…"
"Oh no, Haru-chan, now Kyou-chan's singled you out for the first victim… don't worry, Takashi will protect you, though."
"I'm not really all that worried, sempai. He'd probably kill Hikaru and Tamaki-sempai first regardless of what I say anyway."
Kyouya smirked. "Correct, Haruhi. I find bluntness to be less murder-worthy than idiocy and insults."
"Kaoru would survive though," Hikaru said grumpily. "But he'd actually be worse off than us since he'll live on as the brainwashed love slave of an underworld overlord—ow! Damn it, Kaoru, you've seriously become more violent since you hooked up with that four-eyed bat!"
"No, I've become more violent since you decided to try to assassinate him every few minutes," Kaoru replied.
"Hey, I don't!"
"Hikaru, you threw knives at him earlier! Tachibana-san nearly murdered you for that one!"
"My hand slipped while I happened to be holding some throwing knives, that's all!"
"Fifteen times?!"
Kyouya sighed. "As amusing as his attempts to kill me are, my security isn't too pleased with them. Rest assured, though, I will restrain them from coming to murder him in his sleep." He glanced at his watch. "Club activities begin in five minutes. Please go to your places and be ready to receive the guests now."
Kaoru laughed as he took his spot next to Kyouya on their favorite couch. "So you'd eat milord first, huh? He'd taste like French food. And then next is Hikaru, but he'd be a weird combination, like maple syrup and hot sauce. Haruhi would probably taste really healthy… and Mori-sempai would be traditional Japanese cuisine, then Hunny-sempai would taste like cake..."
Kyouya glanced at him. "If you're talking about eating as food, then certainly one of them would be on the menu under a desperate situation…" A little smirk pulled at his lips as he leaned in and whispered, "But I'll be glad to eat you up any time, Kaoru, whether or not we're trapped alone together somewhere."
The redhead flushed, then tugged at his arm. "Kaoru? The first appointments are scheduled to begin in a few minutes," the Shadow King pointed out, still smirking.
"Don't be so smug, I know you're doing it on purpose," Kaoru muttered, still red. "You said any time, right? So come on and take responsibility…"
"Oi, where are you going?" Hikaru demanded, scowling, as the two got to their feet and were headed out the door.
Kyouya flashed him a smile. "I'm afraid that Kaoru and I are… going out to grab a quick bite."
"But you just ate earlier," Haruhi said, bewildered.
"Actually, I'm starving," Kaoru said, his face completely red.
"Yes… Kaoru has quite an appetite. And I'm afraid that the meal in question is simply too delicious to pass up," Kyouya said. Kaoru blushed even more furiously and yanked him out of the room and past the clients who were just about to enter.
"Too delicious?" Haruhi repeated, bewildered.
"I'm going to kill him," Hikaru muttered through clenched teeth. All those years of refining his mind in dirty jokes and double entendres hadn't been for nothing.
"For eating?" Tamaki asked innocently.
Hikaru raised his eyes to the heavens and sighed. The two wouldn't be coming back to club for the day, that was for sure. At least that left him free to mess with Tamaki's head without any supervision. "You know, milord, I think it's time someone taught you the facts of life…"
Later that night Kyouya got an irate call from Tamaki. "KYOOOOOOOOUYAAAAAAAAAA! EAT YOUR FOOD, DON'T PLAY WITH IT!"
A/N: Well, that's that for now. Thank you for reading all the way to the end. :) I wish I could have concluded it better but that piece of Tamaki's stupidity was irresistible for me.
Comments? Complaints? I would love to hear either. Btw, Yumegokochi means 'dreamy state of mind'. Why did I choose that? Firstly, because of the 'what ifs', this is pure imagination. And secondly because that's the title of my blog page which happened to be open at the same time as this document so i decided to just steal the name from there. Haha.
By the way, when my friend and I were talking, we decided that if we ever got stuck like that (we don't have Kyouya's luxury of a security detail coming to pick us up, unfortunately) we would probably become zombies. I have no idea how we reached that point but we had already decided that by day 15 we would throw one companion out into the rain. My friends are such angels.