Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. But I pwn Justin Bieber.
Rusty stretched himself. He felt his spine dislocate and he slipped into a coma.
His house folk (a near-bald dirty blond forty year old man, potbellied with all his teeth rotten): (whines like 9-year old girl) What happened to my poor little Rustykins?
Doctor: Your cat Fuzzy is currently suffering from 腰椎間板突出. I recommend you listen to Linkin Park while he or she heals.
House folk: What? What was that Japanese word you said? And how should I listen to Lincoln? He's dead since more than a hundred years ago.
Doctor: This further proves your intellectual inferiority. Shall I introduce you to a competent psychiatric doctor? That doctor is better known by the name of me.
House folk: And I thought Rustycatty's little bone problem won't heal by itself.
Doctor: (growls) Reedy does not have a little bone problem. He has no bone problem. It's just that you have to let him rest.
House folk: (shouts) WHAT? ALL I'VE DONE TO MY LITTLE CAT IS TO LET HIM SLEEP ALL THE FUZZING TIME, AND YOU TELL ME TO LET HIM REST MORE? I AM SO SICK OF YOU GIVING ME ALL THAT SO-CALLED "ADVICE" AND CHARGING ME BIG TIME FOR THIS! I'M TELLING YOU, I WANT NOTHING FROM YOU BUT A HUGE REFUND! OF ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE CHEATED ON THIS! AND ANOTHER $798987979889 IN EMOTIONAL DAMAGES!
House folk's ugly, old wife: I never knew you were emo. Come on, wimp. We're divorcing.
House folk: Who cares? I was cheating on you anyway.
Doctor and wife: (gasp)
House folk: I did it with…
Doctor: (holds breath)
Wife: TELL ME! So I can slaughter her!
House folk: Ah, how I love those adorable little moments when I leave cliffies…
The Sharp: (appears out of nowhere and chucks a hedgehog at house folk) OMG just shut up and get on with the stupid plot! I'm already wasting enough screen time on you, and that means the director will have to pay you more, then I get less money! Besides, I do all the creative work, the director finds all the scenes, and all the actors do is to stand there, do stupid poses, recite a few lines, and you aren't even major!
House folk: (Chased around by huge wolf appearing out of nowhere and a hedgehog rolling toward him) Alright, alright, I'll just get on with it, but get these two away! (squeals as hedgehog rams into him full force and leaves a million holes on him)
The Sharp: OK…
(hedgehog and wolf run out of the back door of stage)
Director: Alright, three, two, one, action!
House folk: So, I am currently with Rusty.
Wife: Oh no… I never knew you would stoop this low…(cries)
Doctor: (faints from surprise)
Nurse: (opens door) Doctor! 123891.1232 patients are waiting for their turn!
Doctor: (recovers) Alright, alright, you two can go. But why didn't you have your pet here?
-Scene 2-
Rusty: (wakes up) OMG what happened? Oh no I just missed the Cats And Dogs Blockbuster TV show! (growls) How did that happen? Why did I fall asleep? Oh great, I'm dead!
Cat flap opens. Smudge in.
Smudge: Oh hi my adorable Rustykins! I've been missing you!
Rusty: WTF…
Smudge: (attempts to groom Rusty)
Rusty: (dodges) God stop fussing over me, disgusting creep!
Smudge: OMG, how did you know I am God? By the way, I just wrote a song for you!
Rusty: What? Hell no, I'm Christian and God is not a crazy schizo cat like you!
Smudge: (ignores Rusty completely) Alright, roadie, get me my guitar!
Random dark brown tom: (comes in through cat flap) Alright mister! (off)
Dark brown tom on with mini-guitar and hands it to Smudge.
Smudge: Alright, listen to Captain Smudge's best tune evaaaa!
Rusty: (facepalm) Oh, what have I done to deserve this?
Smudge: (attempts to play a simple chord three times, and finally gets it right) Applaud for Captain Smudge!
Dark brown tom: (claps)
Rusty: OMG OMG I SO HATE YOU SMUDGE! (jumps into closet and cries)
Smudge: (wails out of tune, resembling Rusty's house folk singing)
I am Captain Smudge,
I am awesome,
I love waffles!
(Plays three random notes off-key and sings along with the notes even more off-key)
Bluefur, Bluestar,
Will you love me?
(Attempts the opening riff to Enter Sandman about twenty times slower and gets all notes wrong)
Leopardfur, Leopardstar,
Shall we gather by the river?
And let me sing you
This little siren.
Rusty: (jumps out of closet) You do sound like a siren, though I believe you meant "serenade".
Smudge:(Plays simple chord twice off-key)
Rusty, Rustykins,
I know you know I love you,
And…
(sings Justin Beaver's "Baby")
Rusty: Oh my god, you suck so badly at both guitar and singing.
Smudge: (bawls)
(Rusty pounces on Smudge and rips both his ears off, while clawing Smudge's lower back with hind paws until there was almost no skin left)
Smudge: (runs toward cat flap, wailing) Oh Rusty, you know I love you so much!
Rusty: (pounces again and bites Smudge's tail clean off)
Smudge: (shrieks)
Rusty: (shrieks back through mouthful of fur and blood) GET OUT OF MY FUZZING HOUSE, THIS FUZZING INSTANT! OR ELSE I WILL BREAK YOUR NOSE, CRUSH YOUR LEGS, SHATTER YOUR SPINE AND GOUGE OUT YOUR FUZZING EYES!
Smudge off
-Scene 3-
Rusty: Grrrrrrr where is my stupid house folk.
House folk: (pushes door open and kicks Rusty) YOU!
Rusty: (dodges) What?
House folk: DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! LOOK, EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT! I HAD TO PAY THE STUPID VET $21873913791823192837289 EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T RECEIVE ANY TREATMENT FROM -
Director: CUT! You, you're taking way too much screen time. You've cost four times more money than all the props since you keep going overtime without me telling you to and you are supposed to have given way to the fourth scene already, and if you stay here any longer, I will annihilate you and make you wish you've never been alive!
The Sharp: Yes, you, what's-your-stupid-name, and the more time you stay on here, the more money the director will have to pay you, and the less money I get!
A skinny pale gray tom with very long fur, amber eyes and a white underbelly appears and throws house folk out of window.
Director: Thanks, Graypaw. 3, 2, 1, ACTION!
-Scene 3-
Smudge: (standing on top of fence) Hey, Henry!
Henry (plump cream-colored kittypet tom, lazy and whiny, resembles Justin Beaver): (lying on flank, snoring) You are disturbing me sleeping. Go away or I'll make you.
Smudge: Not only have you lost your strength after visiting the vet, you have also lost your brain. Do you think you, and all that fat, could ever catch me?
Henry: (yawns) Alright, alright. What are talking about?
Smudge: Alright, so this is the song I wrote.
Henry: Wow, I never knew cats could write.
Smudge: This further proves your intellectual inferiority.
Doctor: (randomly appears) HEY! YOU STOLE MY LINE!
The Sharp: (screams) GOD JUST GET OUT OF HERE! I WROTE THE SCRIPT, ALONG WITH THE DIRECTOR WHAT'S-HIS-NAME, AND WHO CARES IF YOU SAID THAT LINE OR NOT!
Doctor is dragged out by two muscular security men
Graypaw: (appears from stage's back door) Thanks for the help. By the way, could you two get the props for the forest scene ready?
The two security men leave, doctor being dragged after
Director: Thanks, you two. 3, 2, 1, action!
Henry: Sing the song, then.
Smudge: (attempts the simple chord and breaks a string)
(wails loudly)
I am Captain Smudge,
I am so awesome,
I love peas,
I love waffles!
(plays two notes off key and sings along, but coughs instead)
Bluefur, Bluestar,
Will you love me? (breaks another string)
(Attempts first five notes of opening riff to Enter Sandman fifty times slower and gets all notes wrong)
Leopardfur, Leopardstar, (breaks third string)
Shall we gather by (breaks fourth string)
The river (gets pricked by the broken strings and starts bleeding)
And let me sing you (throws away guitar)
This little siren.
Rusty, Rustykins,
I know you know I love you,
And…
(sings Justin Beaver's "Baby")
Henry: Oh. I liked it.
Smudge: (cries in happiness) OMG OMG I THANK YOU SO MUCH! By the way, do you want to know how I got these scars?
Henry: Um…no. Not really.
Smudge: I sang the song to Rusty.
Henry: The Rusty verse only?
Smudge: No. The whole thing.
Henry: No wonder. When you go to Bluefur and Leopardfur (mutters) weird names, (speaks) only sing the verse about them. Go into "Baby" after that, and you'll have a bigger chance of succeeding.
Smudge: After going to the vet, I thought you were no longer interested in she-cats.
Henry: Of course not. I count as one of them now.
Smudge: (jumps back in shock and steps on guitar, which breaks his foot) WHAT?
Henry: Look, toms are cats, and she-cats are cats too, so that means toms are she-cats.
Smudge: Oh, I see now. Thanks. (turns away and mutters) Featherbrained fool.
-Scene 4.1-
Bluestar: Stupid fuzzing rabbit! (shows scratched shoulder to Spottedleaf)
Spottedleaf: Yeah right, I know that you wished Tigerclaw killed it for you!
Bluestar: (angry) Are you questioning your leader? (mutters to camera) Tigerclaw did kill the rabbit, as a matter of fact. I'll exhort Redtail to make him deputy after I die, or he will become deputy after Redtail dies. Whichever comes first.
Spottedleaf: What? Didn't hear you.
Director: CUT! Good take! You two, Smudge, Rusty and Henry are the best actors so far.
-Scene 4.2-
Redtail: Cats of ThumpClan!
Director: Cut! It's ThunderClan. 3, 0, action!
Redtail: Cats of ThunderClan! I will bring Tigerclaw, Ravenpaw, Longtail and Mousefur to Sunningrocks. The rest… I won't waste time telling you where to go since this is an abridged series.
Redtail, Ravenpaw, Tigerclaw, Mousefur and Longtail leave through camp entrance.
Director: CUT! Good take! You all are good actors!
Ravenpaw: OMG THANK YOU! (faints from joy)
Tigerclaw: Get a grip on yourself, stupid.
-Scene 4.3-
Redtail: Stupid RiverClan cats! They can't stalk, run or pounce, so they'll just have to soak in water and rot their brains!
Tigerclaw: Well said, Redtail. You'll need every bit of that wisdom when I'm going to kill you.
Redtail: (spins around bristling, claws unsheathed) WHAT? EXCUSE ME?
Tigerclaw: Er…(looks around wildly) it was Oakheart. OAKHEART! HOW DARE YOU THREATEN REDTAIL?
Oakheart: (puzzled) How did you know I'm here?
Tigerclaw: HA! I am so smart! ThunderClan, attack!
Redtail: I thought I was the deputy?
Oakheart: How on earth are you said?
Tigerclaw: What!
Stonefur: I think he meant-
Oakheart: How the hell are you said? You are very busy to care, teachers. (author's note: I took it from the original Japanese transcript to the Zero Wing video game, best known for coining All Your Base Are Belong To Us. I translated it to Chinese, then put it in as Japanese, then translated the Chinese result into English. Same goes for the rest of RiverClan's mangled speech)
Ravenpaw: I don't understand him.
Redtail: Can't he speak cat?
Oakheart: Change river main team government!
RiverClan pounce onto ThunderClan.
Redtail: What?
Longtail: (whimpers) Manned invasion system structure. Redtail! And signals their arrival.
Tigerclaw: The stupidness must have infected him.
Stonefur: All your territory are belong to O Kokuda.
Mousefur: What!
Mistyfoot: I think he meant Oakheart.
Tigerclaw swipes at Stonefur.
Oakheart: Destructive way you are to.
Random RiverClan cat: Do the best to survive, you will cherish the example of destruction. (bites into Mousefur, hauls her off another random cat and pins her down)
Tigerclaw pushes Stonefur down the rocks and pounces onto Oakheart, dragging him down the rocks.
Oakheart: Grr! (slithers out and swats at Tigerclaw's nose)
Tigerclaw falls and Oakheart pounces onto Redtail, dragging him off Stonefur
Longtail: AAH! (Stonefur and Mistyfoot pounce onto him)
Tigerclaw pounces onto cat attacking Mousefur. He drags him off and rips his pelt out.
Director: (mutters) I'll kill that retailer. He said the costume would stick onto the skin!
Redtail: ThunderClan, retreat!
Tigerclaw: Redtail, I thought we were supposed to let it go on for a longer time.
Redtail: Really?
Mousefur: OMG LET ME GO YOU FUZZING FISH BREATH! REMEMBER LONGTAIL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! REMEMBER ME! (dragged away by random RiverClan cats)
Longtail: (dodges Stonefur and jumps over Mistyfoot) MOUSEFUR I'M SAVING YOU!
Tigerclaw: Ah, the stupid impulses of love.
Ravenpaw: (gets flung over Tigerclaw's head) AAAAAH TIGERCLAW SAVE ME! THAT FOX DUNG-STUFFED STONEFUR THREW ME DOWN FROM THE ROCKS!
Tigerclaw: (reaches up and grabs Ravenpaw) STONEFUR I'M GETTING YOU FOR THIS!
Stonefur: Shouldn't you be teaching Ravenpaw a lesson for using foul language?
Tigerclaw: OH YEAH! RAVENPAW, YOU WILL BE CLEANING THE ELDERS' DEN AND NURSERY FOR THE NEXT TWO MOONS!
Ravenpaw: WTF…
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