I got the idea after May 2nd. As usual we went as a family to the ceremony at Hogwarts. As much as I could be a part of the Potter family anyway. The students, for the most part familiar faces, were permitted to come out for the reading of the names and Harry Potter's Speech. I spotted Victoire in the crowd of Gryffindors, trying her best to look sad, but because I knew Victoire so well, I knew she was annoyed. She never told anyone but me how much she hated that her birthday fell on this day out of all the rest. She waved to her parents that were sitting just a few seats from us. I never took my eyes off her and when she found me she smiled. It wasn't a good smile. It was beautiful because Victoire could never not be beautiful but it was sad because she knew what this day was for me. She was being sympathetic. I smiled back almost like saying, "I'm fine." Except because she knew me so well, she knew I wasn't.
Ginny poked my leg when Harry began his speech, with her own words telling me to pay attention. And I did but I hated it. I hated listening to these words because I've always heard them. The people we love never leave us. They died fighting for us and should be remembered. They died trying to make the world a better place and that is the most honorable way to go. When I was young and I would cry and I would ask where my parents were, somebody was always there to tell me that. I didn't want to hear it. It didn't help. Though nothing ever did anymore. I could hear the sniffling around us, people who lost loved ones. Nana Molly was already crying. Harry concluded his speech and sat back down next to Ginny who held his hand.
Then Professor Mcgonagall began reading the names. I shifted in my seat I wanted to leave. I could apparate right now, but I wouldn't, I feel like I owe it to Harry. I look forward toward Mcgonagall in front of the slab of rock that held the names of each dead person who fought. I owe it to them more I knew that. The names went on for miles Lavender Brown, Colin Creevey, names of people I never knew.
"Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks." I expected it but I had stopped listened so hearing their names spoken made my ears ring. I kept my eyes forward but I could feel Victoire's gaze, Lily on my left side who was surprisingly quiet this whole time put her hand on mine that was lying motionless on my lap. For being so young she understood a whole lot about this day. A sob escaped Nana Molly behind me. So many people looking at me, I could feel Ginny and Harry, Al and James, everybody with the surname Weasley was looking at me and I hated it. I didn't look back at anybody. And the names continued.
Afterwards when everyone lingered around the castle grounds is when I really realized just how unhappy I was. The last two years away from Hogwarts had helped me understand. I spent my days working part time at Flourish and Blotts which was horrible and babysitting 9 year old Lily which wasn't horrible at all but made me realize just how pointless my life was. The only girl I ever loved was away at Hogwarts, and the fact that I felt like an intruder to the Potter household was getting bigger each day. I had lived there for years now but each year I got older the worse I felt. I knew they loved me like their own son but I knew James, Albus, and Lily would always come first. Which was understandable, I couldn't really get mad about that, it just hurt knowing I wouldn't come first to anybody. Not even Victoire who had more family members than I could even dream of having.
Victoire came and found us and gave the whole family hugs. And when she finally got to me she dragged me away when nobody was looking to a secluded area on the grounds, not too far from everyone but far enough that we felt alone. Without hesitation she kissed me but I, because everybody still didn't know that we were together, broke the kiss and looked over my shoulder to make sure no one could see. She pulled my face back and smiled sadly again.
"The one day of the year when you wear pink hair..." Victoire murmured looking up at the top of my head.
"Bubblegum pink was my mum's favorite." I said trying not to sound too miserable. I don't say it but I also wear my hear pink on Mum's birthday. Only nowadays on my parents birthdays I stay by myself and nobody sees the color of my hair, except Harry and Ginny who usually keep their remarks to themselves.
"I know." Was all she said. And in a way it was more comforting than anything my Gran used to tell me, anything Harry has said. Because Victoire just knew already, she knew how I was feeling and she knew what I needed to hear. I leaned down to kiss her.
"Happy Birthday Vic." We kissed until I had to leave and I hated leaving her.
But I knew then I couldn't stay any longer not just in Victoire's life but in everybody else's.
"Teddy, please don't do this." Harry says for the 7th time. He's following me around my room as I pack clothes in a black and grey backpack I had found in the attic of my Gran's old house, I think it had belonged to my mother.
"I'm sorry." I say for the 8th time
It was the third week of June and everyone had gotten back from Hogwarts a couple days prior. It took most of my energy explaining to Victoire why I had to go. I waited until all the kids and even Ginny was fast asleep until I approached Harry in his office. With Harry staring at me like he wanted me to explode, I had run out of things to say to him. I throw my weird sisters shirt into the bag and zip it up, and throw it over my shoulder. I look at Harry reluctantly and he looks helpless. I look away and put my wand in my pocket and make it down the stairs, with Harry on my tail, to collect my shoes and leave.
"Teddy please I have to take care of you, I'm supposed to watch over you. How am I supposed to do that when you're god knows where and coming back god knows when?" He keeps his voice low because we both know if James and Al wake up they'll be spying on us.
"I appreciate everything you've ever done for me but I'm 19 Harry. You don't need to be my godfather anymore I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me."
"I'll always be your godfather." He says quietly
"I need to do this. I can't be here anymore, I hate being this alone."
"Running away from us won't make you feel better. You'll be alone out there too except you won't even have us."
He's right
"You're wrong."
"Leaving won't bring them back." My heart freezes. That's not what I want, well its nothing I can do anyway. They're gone, they've always been gone, I never knew a world when they weren't. I know leaving won't bring them back but I can't stay here when I all I have is memories of them not being here. After I don't say anything Harry speaks again.
"I'm sorry I wasn't enough." I hate myself for doing this to him, for making him believe he wasn't enough, because Harry was great to me, he gave me a childhood that I would have never had if it weren't for him, even before Gran died. I remember visits to Diagon alley, I remember quidditch games, and I remember the day he asked me to move in with him right after Gran died.
"Why do people keep leaving me?"
"They don't do it by choice Teddy, They loved you."
"But they left."
"I'm still here."
"You won't leave?"
"Never, here's this, how about you come live with me and Ginny."
"It's not about that, I'm just older now, you understand right?"
"Most 19 year olds moving out of their homes don't leave for good. They get a flat near home and come for holidays, you say you won't even write? How am I supposed to do that Teddy? Just hope that you're okay? Just hope that you're happy? What am I going to tell the kids?" The lights flicker in Harry's eyes as he says the last part. "If you won't stay for me will you stay for the kids?" He looks at me waiting for a response.
I think of James and Al, who looked at me as an older brother and I think of Lily, sweet rosy cheeked 9 year old Lily, who asked me to tell her stories about Hogwarts and smiles when I make my hair the color of her own and giggles when I make it the color of her cheeks. For a second I think about dropping this argument putting down my bag and running up to her room, throwing her on my shoulders and making her laugh until she cries. But then the moment fades. If I wouldn't stay for Victoire, I wouldn't stay for Lily and I hated myself for it.
"I'm sorry, tell them I love them. I think I'll be back, just not soon." I pull a pack of muggle cigarettes from my pocket and put one in my mouth.
"Will you stop it with that disgusting habit?" Harry says as a reflex then moments later looks as though he regrets saying it. As if he's pushing me away more.
"Thank you." Is all I say before disappearing out of the Potter family house. And it's not enough; thank you could never be enough to say to my godfather for all that he's done.
I appear in the alley way next to a muggle club in the northern part of London. Me and Victoire came here for New Year's last year without telling anyone. We snuck out in the middle of the party the Weasleys always threw at the Burrow; We dressed like muggles and had one of the best nights of our lives. We almost got caught when we disapparated back just a few minutes after midnight by James who was wandering outside. Thinking of Victoire as expected, stings but I pretend like I don't feel it and sit down on the curb lighting the muggle cigarette with my wand.
"You're breaking up with me?" She said it so accusingly, I had no idea what to say to make her hurt less.
"No Vic-"
"Well it sounds like you are. You're leaving, you don't even know where, you don't know when you'll come back, you know nothing about the future, about our future, which means you aren't thinking about me which means, you're breaking up with me!?" She says it more as a disbelief like she never thought I would do this to her. I never thought I would.
"Vic- it's not like that, I don't want to break up with you- "
"Then why are you leaving me."
"I'm not leaving just you, I'm leaving everything I need to be by myself for a bit, you know where nobody knows me." She didn't say anything for a while after that. "I thought you would be the one to understand that's why I'm telling you first. You always understand what I need and this is what I need."
"Don't try to make me feel bad for not understanding you. Because I might understand you Teddy Lupin but it's when you're being sane! You're being completely daft right now!"
It's quiet for a long time as Victoire throws a rock into the beach outside of Shell Cottage.
"I love you Ted." Her whole tone had changed "Please don't go, please don't leave me."
But I left her and I hate myself for it.
She'll know I'm gone in the morning when Harry has to owl everybody and tell them I'm gone, ask if they've seen me, which they hadn't. Vic will keep her mouth shut, because even if she did tell them what I said, they wouldn't know where I would go. They'll check the obvious places The leaky Cauldron, Grans old house, The Three Broomsticks, nowhere I would be that careless to go.
I stand up after I'm done with my cigarette, but I only light another one on the way to finding a hotel or anywhere I could stay. Harry was right this was a disgusting habit. As I inhale the smoke that's surrounding me I think of how stupid I've been and for a second I want to run home and hug Harry and tell him he's not just a godfather to me he's a father, he isn't mine in particular but he's done everything he could to be just like it. I can't of course, he probably hates me by now or would be completely furious with me, but Victoire would never know I actually went through with my plans I could apparate into her bedroom and she would be relieved to see me. I couldn't.
When my Gran was dying, I was only 11 years old. It was in the middle of my first year at Hogwarts. Before leaving for Kings Cross I visited her at St. Mungos, and I kind of knew it would be the last year I'd see her, and she knew too. I didn't say that at loud and neither did she but it hung there in the room and we ignored it. I was worrying about sorting and she told me it would be fine that everyone would be proud no matter what house I was in.
"Edward Lupin. You make me proud of you every single day ever since you were born and you've never stopped."
I can't help but wonder how Gran must feel right now in whatever Afterlife there is, maybe she's with Mum, maybe not, either way I know she isn't proud of me anymore. And I hate myself for it.