A/N: I don't own Divergent.
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.
-Jarod Kintz
If people ask, "What is the meaning of life?" Then he'd say controlling yourself and never go beyond the boundaries. Yet sometimes things can't be completed without going against the rules. He knows that by heart.
He knows that he'd receive punishments if he bends the regulations.
The marks on his skin, caused by the belt prove that.
And the tiny closet upstairs.
People always ask him, "What is love?"
He doesn't know how to reply to this question. Honestly how the hell could he know? He's never felt beloved. If his father did, then why does he beat him up with a belt? 24/7? If his mother loved him, then why had she never coaxed his father for him so he wouldn't get another whipping session?
Instead they tell him, "This is for your own good." And then they lock the door of the closet, with him inside it.
He just doesn't understand. Kids around his age get praised, kisses on cheeks and candy from their parents. He can't even describe how jealous he feels. Why can they get whatever they want while all he gets is punishments?
In his mind, that's what love is: abusing people and then tell them, "This is for your own good."
He definitely doesn't want this kind of 'love'. He doesn't want anyone around him to 'feel' it too, and that's certainly for their own good.
It's the Choosing Ceremony. He doesn't even bother to remember what his results are. He'd never choose Abnegation. He doesn't want to face the man who's taken his childhood away. Not Erudite; he's not interested in Math and History and whatsoever. Not Candor; he can't be sure that he can stay honest for his whole life. Amity doesn't seem to be a good choice either.
So there's only one choice.
People slowly move forward to choose their own fraction. When it's his turn he doesn't look into his father's eyes. He simply takes the knife and cut his hand. His blood falls into the bowl of the Dauntless. Everyone gasps and starts whispering, wondering why he'd choose Dauntless instead of Abnegation, especially with his father in Abnegation.
He doesn't speak. He simply walks over to the troops of Dauntless people. Nobody asks him about his choice and he's glad about it. Then everyone starts running and he follows them.
It's time for a new life.
The training certainly isn't easy. There are a lot of people who are good at fighting and he has to spend sometime to get used to it. However, he's still happy. At least nobody whips him whenever they want to.
He can't say that he's made any friends, but people still seem to be friendly enough. He simply exchanges several words with them when he wants to and when he wants to be alone, they do leave him alone.
The ranking comes out and he is at the second place, with a boy named Eric at the top. He doesn't say much about it. Second place isn't bad and he thinks that he's satisfied with the results. However it's Eric who he's not comfortable with. He sometimes even thinks that he's a threat. Never mind, they don't meet each other much, and he thinks that's better.
The third stage is about fighting your fears. He isn't sure that he could do it. The only thing that he's sure of is that his father will appear in them. He shivers when this thought comes.
Yet, you can't be considered as a successful person if you don't overcome your fears. No matter what it takes, he must find a solution to break the nightmares and those things that scare him. Eventually his time comes. An official injects the chemical into his veins.
And here he goes.
The ranking comes out again and to his surprise, he is the top one and Eric is now at the second place. He think about the progress again: what has boosted him up? Oh, wait.
He only has four fears, only one half of what the others have.
Eric shoots him a dirty look when he walks past. He's obviously furious about how he's gotten kicked down a place by him. He ignores Eric, though he knows that he must be careful with him. Eric, as the rumor has it, is vicious.
He has no idea how love has made its way into the Dauntless Compound-well, if what he now sees everyday is 'love'. Nowadays in the compound he can't walk along a corridor without almost tripping over a couple who are particularly sucking each others' faces off on the floor. Whenever he walks back to the Pit, all he sees is people making out everywhere-against the wall, on the floor, on the table. They are all kissing, holding each other. Sometimes he sees them topless and almost wants to tell them to get a room. When it's lunchtime people are still doing the same thing. For those who are single they'd just check out one another and now people who sit with him at lunch all talk about how hot that boy is and what long legs this girl has and other shit. The passion is too hard to ignore and it bothers him.
Yet, deep inside his heart there's a small part of him wondering how it'd feel like to love a person and be loved by someone. And he's horrified by this fact and does his best to cover this side up. He's also afraid that he might abuse the people who love him, based on his childhood experience. Meanwhile he wishes that the passion, the love would just go away like a faded trend.
Much to his dismay, his wish gets rejected. Now there's another topic to for the others to talk about: sexual intercourse. People love elbowing one another and ask, "Have you done it yet?" or "Gave her/him a high?" And somehow they know that he's never done it-well, he doesn't even have a girlfriend. Some of them try to match him up with some girls who they think are hot enough for him. Girls throw themselves at him too but he feels nothing for them. Eventually they give up and start teasing him for being so 'pure'. Rumor has it that Eric is very good at sex but really why does it matter? It's not like people can't live without sex. Later it gets worse. They develop a theory. They say, "Lust always comes after love and that's why I fuck my lover." To his ears, it seems that they're just finding some kind of excuse to fuck the person they love. He remembers a quote like this, "The more we are filled with thoughts of lust the less we find true romantic love." So lust isn't something good.
And it's just so fucking ridiculous.
Anyway, he just shuts his ears off and continues doing the work he should do.
He turns eighteen and he's going to be an instructor. He's not really excited, but not very indifferent about it. He wonders what kind of people would come to the tribe this year.
The first task for the new comers is jumping into the net.
And that's when she comes. With her small frame and Abnegation blood in her veins, she jumps off first. He's really surprised at that.
He wonders how long it would take to break her.
He can't believe what he's seeing.
Peter, Drew and Al are trying to push her into the chasm. She's trying to fight back, but with no succeed—well, she is blindfolded. Anger rushes through him and without a second thought, he marches up to them and starts to fight them off of her. They try to fight back and it's three against one, but he's still an instructor and older than them so he manages to take them down. However, a cut and some bruises are still caused. What about her? He turns around and sees her leaning against the railing, breathing heavily and her eyelids are starting to drop. He bends down and holds her in the bridal style.
She whispers his name.
And he can't say how glad he feels with saying his name.
She's coming with him to see his own fears. Somehow, it comforts him in a strange way. Maybe with her here he'd finally make some progress and even block them out.
She injects the serum into his veins and he does the same thing to her.
And here they go.
He's right-he's overcome his fears and he really has to give her credit. If it isn't her, he'd still be stuck in his nightmares which have started ever since he was five.
And eventually he's kissed her. And she responds. She has to like him the way he likes her. It's a fine kiss indeed-sweet, yet not really innocent and with some tonguing. He can't say that he doesn't feel like he's walking in the air with her close to him.
However, he definitely needs to be more careful. Something bad is going to happen, and he can feel it coming.
He can't sleep tonight. He turns around in the covers and stretches his arms. Not helping him, he decides. His mind goes back to his days in the training. It's funny that how quick time can be. It feels like that it's only yesterday when he steps into this compound and now he's trying to shape the new kids up. He looks out of the window and sees the moon, pure and looking radiant with its bright light. Then, he decides to go for a walk.
He throws the sheets off him and walks out of the room, into the corridor which is lit up by the moonlight.
He thinks about his past days again and it reminds him of then how he was annoyed by 'love'. He chuckles quietly. Now he feels the sweetness of it and understands why people are so crazy about it. It's a feeling he's never felt before. He wonders if she feels the same way for him. Well, of course, she loves him like he loves her. Love…
And lust.
Yes, his fellow mates were even crazier when it came to this topic. Some of them tried to talk him into trying it but he refused. To him it was agonizing to talk about it, so let alone thinking about it. But now with her, what does he think of it now?
He stops dead in his tracks, frozen. How can he think of her like that! There must be something wrong with him-he was never like this. Never. Has the shit his mates always talked about made its way into his head like a virus? Oh, God. He shakes his head.
But really, he'd really like to see how her face looks like when he touches her in a really intimate way…
Over his dead body. No.
He continues walking and comes to a stop. He is, in fact quite surprised by what he is now seeing. There she is, standing in front of the balcony and looking at the moon. With her hair down, she looks like an angel in the moonlight and for several seconds he just stands there, admiring the view. What is she wearing? Just a black shirt which clings to her body. It makes him want her even more. Finally he starts walking again and when he reaches her, he put his arms around her and breathes in the sweet scent of her hair.
She turns around in his arms and looks up into his eyes. They just stand there, watching each other and eventually she leans in and kisses him. He eagerly responds; he thinks about that frequently. His arms hold a grip around her waist while hers are around his neck. Their tongues meet and he moans quietly. This is not enough. He wants more. More of her. The more he kisses her the more he feels thirsty, like a well which can never be fulfilled with water.
She presses her body to his and he moans again. He can feel her smiling against his lips. "Not here." These two words somehow excite him.
He pulls away and grabs her hip with his hand. Then they start walking along the corridor until they reach his room. He opens the door and kisses her briefly. They enter the room and after she locks the door their lips collide again. She takes his face in her hands and starts walking him backwards until his legs reach the edge of his bed. She pushes him, making him sit on the bed and sits on his lap with her legs around his waist. He grinds his hips against hers and it's now her turn to moan. Heat is rising in the room like it's been lit up with fire, and he can feel it. Yet, it isn't bad. Her fingers travel down his torso and start tugging on the hem of his shirt and he releases her for a moment to take it off. Her eyes linger on his chest, where the fire pattern is and reaches down to kiss it. He can't say how good he feels. Slowly he places his hands onto her thighs and slides her thin shirt up her body-she doesn't resist, so the shirt is off her body within several seconds. Her torso is now bare before him. He decides not to push her so he looks at her face, which now has a shy smile that takes his breath away. She puts her hand on his and kisses him. He feels his hand gilding up along her side and eventually reaches her breast. He strokes it lightly, earning a gasp from her and he smiles. With some power he flips both of them over, so now he is hovering above her. She doesn't look surprised, just a small smile on the corner of her lips. He kisses her neck and feels her tugging his trousers down, and he lets her. She later takes off her underwear as well, leaving her naked. He pulls away and let his eyes travel down her body. More of her, now. He lightly slips his boxer off his hips and her legs are around his waist again. She nods.
He slowly sinks into her. She moans but he doesn't dare to go further. Is it hurting her? Does she feel alright? She smiles at him and he takes it at a sign to continue. He moves out and into her again. This time she doesn't look uncomfortable. That's better. He repeats his movement, each time with his speed quicker that before. The tension continues to spread across the room. He's being taken up to the sky, rising higher and higher. Her moans fill the room. Pleasure has taken over his blood and it's now running in his veins. He leans down and pulls her mouth to his, effectively muffling their cries of ecstasy when the climax hits them.
He falls next to her and puts his arms around her. Reality is starting to make its way back to the room, and he suddenly feels tired. She smiles at him and kisses him. Soon he feels her drift off to sleep.
What have they done exactly? Sex? Not enough to describe it. Whatever it is, he knows that they are committed to each other. He'll always be hers, and she'll always be his. With that, he feels satisfied already.
This is love.
Nothing can break them apart.
Never.