Chapter 1: Save Yourself/Fire Escape

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, and if I claimed I did, the lawsuit against me would definitely be wordier than this fic.

A/N 1: Hey guys! Welcome to ASSoASSaAaP! [(ass-o-ass-ap)(that acronym is terrible, I'm terrible for naming this story, please don't kill me)] This series of shorts will run concurrently to ASSoSSSaC. The main difference between the two will be length of chapter. This will have fics that are short, (1k words) and that one has longer fics. (1k) I might go back on that, on second thought; it's not a hard-and-fast rule. Also, this has no update schedule. Finally, I'll write anything I want here, so expect a slightly lower quality of narrative. Now that all that is out of the way, chapter 1!

A/N 2(chapter 1): This chapter is an adventure in dialogue ficage(not a word, I know). What these are is all dialogue, no other words, not even he said/she said. The audience is to infer what's going on by reading the speech only. To make the short even easier (sure, CC) to understand, it's also a songfic. The song used in the production of this short was Fire Escape by Foster the People. Have fun reading!

A/N P.S.: This fic is set after TLG. 1 big spoiler, that's it. If you don't like spoilers, don't read this.

"It seems we're trapped."

"How? I can blast a hole through the window, we can escape from there."

"The window's structural! Do no such thing, Holly!"

"How is a window even structural?"

"Don't ask me, I didn't design this place. I didn't even volunteer for the adventure this time."

"Be that as it may, mud man, I don't care. We're stuck."

"You've said as much already, perhaps you would like to repeat it again? Third time's the charm, as they say."

"Your nonchalance will be the death of you."

"I've died before."

"... You're insufferable."

"D'arvit, what was that!?"

"The walls burning, at a guess."

"Shut it, Artemis. Sarcasm can wait, survival can't."

"Hmm, have you perhaps thought of all avenues of escape already?"

"No time for games, Arty. Spill."

"This is a building, is it not? Find the fire escape, save yourself, job done."

"That's well and good, but do you see it?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. It's right behind you."

"Oh."

"It's been close enough to observe our conversation's lift and fall, practically."

"Enough smart-mouthing. I'll get reduced to bones and rags in a few centuries, not now. Now is the time to find our legs, and save ourselves."

"Indeed. That was quite poetic, Holly. I'm almost proud. Now, as I said, save yourself. Après toi, madamoiselle."

"Alright, Arty, I'm going. I'd rather not have my heart become old red paint."

"That was a close one."

"Yeah."

"Fire escapes are quite handy."

"Yeah."

"Holly, we're safe now. Why are you still so unnerved?"

"Of course we're safe, it happened yesterday. That's not the problem, though."

"What is?"

"Last night, I couldn't sleep."

"Elaborate."

"I kept hearing 'save yourself' whenever I closed my eyes."

"Oh dear, that's not good."

"Tell me about it."

"If you want, you can spend tonight with me."

"I'd love to."

"There are many ways that can be taken, Holly."

"Take it in every way possible."

"Aren't you supposed to be a police officer? How are you so naughty?"

A/N 3: So ends my very first piece of writing that was dialogue only! I have nothing more to add, except one thing. Save yourself. :P

Seriously though, save yourself is repeated so many times in the song. It's ridiculous.