A/N: Let's play a game called "Ginger sits down to write. She writes more than she intended. Against her better judgement, Ginger posts it. What is Ginger doing? Ginger wishes she knew" because this literally came out of no where. Basically, what was intended to be a hundred word snippet turned into a 1500+ word train wreck. Now, this is technically a fanfiction of a fanfiction (for those that grew up with Neopets, consider it the written equivalent of a petpet, except with more tears and neglected research papers on my part). So it might not seem Selection-based but it does at least take place in like a sub-universe of the series.

Parker is from GreenWithAwesome's The Rebound and the Rink (which if for some reason you're still here you should go read that instead because it is AMAZING). And at this point I'm stalling. Okay. I'm just gonna...leave now. *cough* Do with this what you will.

Operation Snakescape: or, the one where Parker takes up snake-charming

Wriggles was depressed.

While the rest of his class was content to watch the documentary, Parker eyed the class snake in the corner of the room. She was curled up against the side of the cage as opposed to her usual basking under the heat lamp, head tucked on one of her coils as she stared listlessly into the dark room.

"While garter snakes commonly eat small rodents and reptiles, this one has found an unsuspecting frog as a tasty snack," the documentary's narrator said, his voice diverging from its usual drone for just a few seconds in the excitement. Parker looked up at the television just in time to see a frog gasping for air as was slowly dragged into the snake's mouth. A few of the kids screamed. The girl next to Parker cheered and bounced in her seat.

He glanced back at Wriggles. Unlike the snake on-screen, she sat motionless. Her scales, which were usually a polished white speckled with rust-orange spots, appeared dull and gray. Even her eyes seemed to have lost their glisten. Parker thought he saw her sigh.

Had Wriggles ever left the classroom? Her cage? Mrs. Bermudez had drilled it into every 8th grade students' mind that she was the only one allowed to handle the snake, but Parker had only ever seen her drop food into the cage. He scratched absentmindedly at the scar on the back of his head and frowned. Parker knew what it was like to be stuck in a cage; it was probably the most boring form of existence out there. No wonder the snake was lacking her usual vigor.

Flickering lights derailed his thoughts, and he blinked rapidly to adjust to the sudden brightness. The substitute teacher—whom Parker had nicknamed Subzero for his icy glares that radiated hatred for young teenagers—gave a reminder for the night's homework before dismissing the class for the day. Parker released a groan. With Mrs. Bermudez gone on maternity leave one would think that grading 30 students' essays would be the last thing on her mind.

Parker himself had better things to think about as he trekked towards the parking lot. He didn't know much about snake psychology, but he was pretty sure Wriggle's low spirits wouldn't be cured overnight. Back when he was in the hospital, he'd wanted nothing more than to leave. The only respite he'd gotten from that colorful-but-tiny room was the one time Harley had snuck him outside to play hide and seek on the hospital grounds—

Wait. Parker stopped, causing the kid behind him to stumble and curse. Parker gave him a large smile in reply before sprinting back towards the classroom. That was it!

To his luck, the substitute had left the door unlocked and the classroom was completely empty. Moving towards the snake cage, he glanced once at the door before sliding the lid off.

Wriggles moved her head slightly at the moment and Parker stilled his hand for only a second before reaching it into the cage. He shook his head. This was no time for hesitation. The only way Wriggles could be truly happy was if she was slithering wild and free, far away from the oppressive atmosphere that was the public education system.

Parker wouldn't let her languish any longer. "Operation Snakescape is a go," he whispered to Wriggles, gently wrapping his hands around her cool, slick body.

She made little fuss as he lifted her from the cage, tongue flickering curiously. Parker bent down to unzip his backpack, but muffled voices from just outside the door caused him to startle, and he barely stopped himself from dropping Wriggles to the tiled floor.

Not the most ideal timing, but Parker forced his panic down. This was just a minor setback, nothing to freak out about.

"Sorry for this," he muttered to her, before pulling out the neck of his hoodie and dropping the 2-foot boa down the front. She squirmed uncomfortably, and Parker felt a pang of guilt. He probably should have washed his clothes like his mother had asked instead of wearing the same sweatshirt for two weeks in a row. At least the design was cool—it had Aegis, the newest member of the CosmoSquad, on the front—but it probably didn't smell the freshest.

He'd managed to slide the cage lid close and pull his backpack to his chest, taking care not to smoosh Wriggles, before the door opened and Mr. Subzero stepped through. He blinked a few times at Parker before saying, "Mr. Zaleski, what are you doing here?"

To Parker's relief, Wriggles had coiled herself against his stomach and gone still. He flashed the teacher a sheepish smile, brushed his curly hair from his forehead, and peered up at him with wide eyes. When in doubt, charm it out.

"The documentary was just so interesting and I g-got so distracted that I forgot my notebook," he said.

Mr. Subzero narrowed his eyes, and Parker changed tactics. "I didn't do as well on my last test and wanted to s-study...study more on reptilian hunting habits and c-couldn't—" He stopped, taking a deep breath. The substitute's expression softened, and for once Parker silently cheered at the sympathy his stutter tended to generate. "I couldn't do that without my notes."

The silence stretched on. Wriggles, as if sensing how close she was to freedom, impatiently nudged her head under Parker's shirt and brushed against his bare skin. His mouth twitched, but he managed to hold back a laugh.

He had to stay strong. For Wriggles.

"Very well," Mr. Subzero eventually said. He motioned for Parker to move out of the classroom. "Let's try not to be so distracted next time, yeah?"

Parker nodded solemnly, making sure to maintain eye contact. "Yes, sir. Thank you."

When the door clicked behind him, Parker whooped and went to pump his fist in the air before remembering the snake in his shirt. Ducking into a corner shielded from the school's security cameras (a popular spot for couples, but thankfully there was no liplocking taking place at the current moment), he gingerly removed Wriggles from his shirt and placed her in the bottom of his bag, taking care to leave the zipper slightly open so that she would have air.

Then he strolled out of the school's front doors. He, a free man for the rest of the afternoon. Wriggles, a free snake for the rest of her life.

"You look happy," Harley, Parker's sister, greeted him as he slid into the passenger seat of her battered truck. Her 8-month-old son Tyce blabbered in the back seat, tiny hands waving in the air as though he was trying to catch the dirt splatters on the back window. "Did you finally ditch the sub?"

"I wish. His newest way of 'teaching' is having us watch snake documentaries while he skims tabloid articles on his phone," he said, placing the backpack gently between his legs. He closed his eyes as the truck pulled onto the main road, swallowing back a surge of unsease as they picked up speed.

"Must of been some documentary if you're smiling that much. Or did you just realize that with the reptiles is where you really belong?" Harley teased.

"Not really. It was as boring as your insults."

"Then what's with the megawatt grin?"

"I was talking with a friend after class. She's hiss-terical."

Harley wrinkled her nose, and glanced at Parker with concerned eyes. "Snake puns. Is this going to be a thing now?"

"It it's any c-consolation, that was the only one I could think of."

"Something Mom and Dad will be thankful for, I'm sure."

When Harley pulled into the driveway, Parker was unbuckled and leaping out the door before the truck had even come to a stop. Making sure that Harley was too preoccupied with Tyce to pay attention to his whereabouts, he darted around the side of the house and into the backyard.

He scanned the small yard, which was more mud than grass, and clapped his hands together as he spotted the overgrown bush that lined the wooden fence. Thin branches spilled to the ground, creating a miniature forest that would easily shelter, say, a snake from prying eyes. Not even the royal family, even if they brought every single guard for the search, would be able to find her in the thick vegetation.

Bingo.

He knelt down and unzipped the backpack. Wriggles gazed up at him lazily. He stroked her head with a finger before lifting her out.

"Wriggles, meet your destiny. Earth, meet wriggleus s-snakitus, the fiercest boa to grace the wild."

Wriggles plopped into the soft dirt and sat still, darting tongue the only sign of life. Parker frowned and nudged the snake's side with his finger. Finally, when that provoked no response, he picked her up and gently maneuvered her through a gap in the bush, rearranging the branches so that they covered her.

Wriggles probably just needed a few minutes to fully absorb the pure awesomeness that came with freedom, that was all. She be out suffocating frogs in no time.

Satisfied, Parker stood and brushed the dirt from his knees. Operation Snakescape was a success!

At least, it was until three hours later, when Parker's dad nearly tripped over Wriggles, who was sunbathing on the warm tiles of their tiny patio. After one diverted near-disaster involving a broom, a speed-record breaking drive back to the school, and a frantic Mr. Subzero leaping across the desks as he searched for the snake he was positive was loose in the classroom, Wriggles was back in her cozy cage.

Parker was grounded for five weeks and forbidden to go within ten feet of the cage for the rest of his school career. Still, as he walked through the door the next day, he saw Wriggles sitting proudly on her rock, head high as she stared in his direction. Three hours of freedom had done wonders for her disposition.

"You're welcome," he mouthed, giving her a wink.

If Wriggles had eyelids, Parker was convinced she would've winked back.