Disclaimer the Hunger Games, Cops and Reno nine one one are all owned by their owners I own none of it I'm just trying to mooch off them lol
In the Hunger Games books they talk a little of the peace Keepers I thought it would be fun to do a story about them shot like the show Cops but it will probably end up more like Reno Nine One One so enjoy.
A camera looks at the face of a young man he wears a white helmet and white shirt shoes and pants he says hello I'm Dug and were Peace Keepers. It's a hard job being Peace Keepers in a town like District Twelve. The Camera switches to Dug in a Krispy Cream he walks over to the counter and says another box of Doughnuts please to a young man. He hands him the Doughnuts and Dug goes over to a table. The seen switches back to Dug and he says or some times we need to instill the fear of God into a routty civilian Dug says. The seen switches to a little boy walking down the side walk he looks to be about eight he is skipping then suddenly Dug jumps out from behind a building and says give me your money the kid screams. Give me your money Dug says the kid stops screaming and says why? Because I need oh um some Cigarettes Dug says. But I only have one dollar and I need that for lunch the kid says. Will I don't care give me your money or I'll put you in jail Dug says. You can't the kid says the jail's full oh yeah I forgot ok then I'll just have to um hay while you think can I get you a soda the kid says? Oh yeah thanks that would be nice but I'd like a beer instead Dug says it's nine in the morning the kid says? Hay it's never too early to start drinking Dug says with a smile can I join you the kid asks? Can you join me of corse you can I'd be a jack ass not too let you come cool the kid says and they walk into a bar called The Coool Miner. Yep it's hard being a Peace Keeper but we get bye Dug says with a smile hay Dug I want a turn to speak someone says. Dug turns and says no shut up Greg your to boring to speak Dug turns back to the camera and says that's Greg he sucks so let's show you guys what our day is like come on Dug leaves.
The camera turns on and we see Dug hay so we're at our morning meeting this is the meeting room the camera stays focused on Dug. Damn it Mark move the camera around show them the meeting room oh sorry I was distracted the voice says. The camera moves around the room in it there is a white table some mail boxes a white board that has a picture of boobs on it and some other rude drawings and phrases. One of them says I got great aim just ask your sister another one says Jeff's mom has a great rack and shows a picture of a gun rack. Suddenly the board is blocked by a man ok good morning now let's start our daily meeting the man says. Hay sir can you tell us your name Dug says? Why the man says in a serious voice? Yeah some one says what are you guys doing will Dug says do you remember when I went on leave a few days ago Dug asks? Oh yeah and you brought back all that Weed with you that was a good weekend some one says thanks Dug says, but any ways when I was in the Capital I went to Cap TV . What did you tell them some one asks? Will if you would shut up he'd tell us now wouldn't he dumb ass some one else says. Go ahead the voice says thanks so I told them that they should make a documentary about how Peace Keepers live and how hard our job is Dug says. At first they were skeptical they weren't so Shure but when I told them that maybe it would be interesting and might make more people want to enlist they said what made them want to do this someone asks? Will they liked the ideal and they wanted me to spear head it you said head someone yells stop copying Beevus and Buthead ass whole someone yells. They were even thinking of transferring me to another District for the show but then they chose good old District Twelve Dug says with a smile. Well nice we must be pretty ossum if they chose us someone says. Will actually they chose us because we are the worst district and if our show was so horrible that they decided to blow us all to hell no one would miss us Dug says sadly. Silence fills the room for a few minutes when Dug says but we get forty million dollars yea Dug says. So how long is this contract someone says in a sad voice? Ten years Dug says so it's entertain the people of the Capital for ten years or get blown up the person says? Yeah Dug says what kind of heartless monsters would do this to its own people and why does this sound so familiar the person says. I don't know another person says but guys you're missing the point if we satisfy the people of the Capital, we stand to make five million a year and over ten years that's fifty million we're going to make Dug says. So check this out five million has already come Dug says where is it someone says follow me dug says and starts to a door.
They enter a room in it there is a swimming pool but it is filled with money holey shit I know right look at all this money Dug says. No I mean holey shit we have a swimming pool how long has this been hear the person says. See kids this is why you don't smoke Weed Dug says into the camera that's a rap sir the man holding the camera says. Wow everyone says so guys what do you think Dug says with a smile? What do we think I think we should have a money fight a man says as he picks up a bunch of money and throws it at someone else. Everyone jumps into the pool filled with money one guy does a back stroke through it one man climbs onto the diving board and says hay guys check this out and jumps when he lands he throws a bunch of money into the air and yells hay guys look I'm a fat cat every one laughs.
Ok ok guys We do need to get to work Cray says sorry but I'm going to be that guy boo every one says. Everyone grumbles as they get out of the pool the money will be there when you return Cray says hay question what are we going to do with the money some one says. Easy will share it if anyone needs any money they can come hear and use some there's plenty of it so we should be fine as long as we don't over spend Dug says. Sounds good someone says and they leave come on camera slave lets go show them something interesting dug says. They leave the pool when they are stopped by Cray hay The Reaping is in a few weeks round up some people and make them clean up that anti Capital grfedy in the square Cray says ok Dug says.
They are outside now the day is nice the sun hangs in the sky the birds sing and a gun shot goes off Dug looks over to see a man with a rightful aimed in the air saying stupid birds shut up I have a hangover. Hay aim the camera over there Dug says ok the voice says.
See that guy over there Dug says to the camera that's Farmer John there's an old roomer in this town that one night he got drunk and ran over five orphans with his truck and that he buried his wife alive some were in the woods Dug says. Where did you hear that the camera man asks? In a bar Dug says bull shit and you believe everything you hear in a bar the camera man says? But its real Dug says and who told you the story the camera man asks? Erny did Dug says Erny he's full of shit he is always shouting some kind of bull shit last week he was saying that all this is the fault of an old evil Communist named Beroke Obama the camera man says laughing. Who dug asks hay youall better shut up I got a hang over and I'm not afraid to use it John says. John your drunk Dug says will aint you a fucken geny us John says. Which one of us sir because unlike my coworker hear I went to College the camera man says what shut up you don't get to talk to people I'm ruffing up Dug says. Ruffing up you haven't even said to words to the guy Mark says. Well stand back because I'm about to give this guy the ruffing up of his life Dug says. Oh no please Mr. I'll tell you anything I'll tell you the real story of what happened I know people think I murdered my family, but I'll tell you what really happened John says. Ok Dug says tell your story.
So it was a dark and rainy Tuesday I had just come in from the fields my wife was making Chicken, mashed potatoes, and a nice Weed Pie you smoke Dug asks? Oh yeah we used to put hash in everything made our horrible lives easier John said I see Mark make a note for me to make a decree banning civilians from using hash we don't want them to be happy Dug says. Yeah let me just pull my magic paper stock out of my ass and write that down for you Mark says he's kind of a prick isn't he John says to Mark yeah just most of the time hay fuck you two Dug says. So there we were in the kitchen I had just gone to the fridge to get a beer John says oh what a surprise you were a drunk even back then slap oh that hurts Dug says rubbing the back of his head. Are you going to interrupped again John says? No sorry Dug says slap ouch what was that for Dug says to Mark this time for all the dick things your going to make me do today and for yesterday when you ate my Barito Mark says. You ate his Barito you never eat another man's Barito John says and slaps Dug hay what the hell sorry now shut up and let me tell my story John says.
I said hay honey how are you? She says I'm good and that dinner will be ready in five minutes and to get ready I says cool and sit at the table. Then my two kids show up and we eat after eating the kids leave my wife says honey you've ever wondered why my food taste so good? I says no why because it's made from a secret ingredient she says. The secret ingredient is people she says wait is that FDA approved I ask what she says. Really of all the things you could ask me your really asking if what I'm doing is legal she says? Will snookum's I don't want to see you get arrested I says you're a Moran of course it's not legal she says will be careful I says as I get up to leave. Stop she says I stop and turn to face her what I say your next she says and throws a chain saw at me everything goes to black then I see white and I see God John says. Then I woke up in one of the Cole minds and walked out of it and I was alive John says. So how did it happen Dug asks I don't know the room I awoke in was in the Cole minds but it was different it had giant computers in it and the room was chrome like something out of a Sci-Fi movie John says. Like Star Wars Dug asks no more like Star Trek John says I like Star Wars better Dug says me two John says nerds Mark says. I like the Light Sabers wait can I say that without being sued oh fuck Disney I don't care there all abunch of Fags anyways Dug says. Just kidding kids and remember to eat new Mickey Mouse cereal and to visit the First Church of Mickey Mouse every Sunday services are at eight ,nine , and ten a.m. or else Mark says. So do you know how to get back to this room Dug asks? No but its deep I know that if it helps there is one thing I can tell you on my way out I saw a sign that said property of U.S Army keep out and that's all I saw John said. Will ok thanks time to get patrolling Dug says and they leave.
Will to the Cole mindsDug says oh can't it wait I'm tired Mark says oh I'm mark I'm tired oh poor me fuck you Mark says you try carrying a camera all day. Fine will stop oh thank god you mean thank Lord Mickey don't patronize me Mark says as he sits. What when have I ever patronized you Dug says? Oh no you don't I see what your trying to do your board so your trying to get me to tell that you've single handedly pist me off two hundred and forty times Mark says. Come on let's just go to the minds Mark says as he gets up and walks.
They pass through the town so this is District Twelve that's a building and over hear is Dug says as they walk into a Ghetto looking naber hood is where the poor times when were board we like to come here with a bell ring it and shout free food and watch as all the people come out of their houses all happy and with huge smiles on their faces and we like to yell psych. Then we laugh because there sad and there hungry and their lives suck Dug says laughing hay Mark are you getting all this that was ossom Dug says? Sorry what did you say I was too bizzy texting Britney and kicking ass at Angry Birds Harry Potter Mark says? Oh you suck so bad dude you might just be the worst camera man ever Dug says. Yeah and you're the worst boss ever right up there next to Freza and Stalin Mark says. Dude not cool really dude Freza not cool Dug says. What your pist about that I thought you would be more pist off about the conpairasen between you and Stalin Mark says. No why would I be mad about that I don't even know who Stalin is dug says. Really pick up a fucken History book ass whole Mark says. First of all watch the language I don't need parents getting mad at me because there kids learned how to say fuck a duck Dug says, and two how am I supposed to know this Stalin guy when there are no history books Dug says. Ok think of this how do you know about Freza Mark says? Dude Net Flicks lets you watch TV shows from back in the past to Today Dug says. Will did you know that you can use the Internet for more than watching mind numbing television Mark says. Yes Charles has already shown me that you can use the Internet for watching porn Dug says no you're a morone you can use the Internet to look stuff up Mark says. Na sounds boring I'm just going to stick to using the Internet for TV, porn, and checking my Fantasy Foot Ball Team Dug says.
Did someone say Fantasy Foot Ball a young man says and up the sidewalk comes Catness and Gale dude Dug says turn on the freken camera we have to get this ok Mark says oh hold on Brit just texted back. Are you guys talking about what a Stalin I am Dug asks? First of all I wish I was bashing you I do dislike you out of all my coworkers but no we're talking about what culler curtains she wants in the apartment Mark says under his breath. I say can you repeat those last few words I didn't quite catch that last part Dug says. I said we're talking about what culler currtons she wants in the apartment Mark says that's what I thought you said Dug says bursting out laughing. Dug is still laughing as Gale and Catness walk up and next thing you know she'll be having you picking out matching fernicher Dug says oh she's already started suggesting things Mark says. Or she'll be asking you to pick up her dry cleaning Gale says or saying honey I'm tired rub my feet Dug says and they both start laughing Catness gives them nasty looks. So who's the lucky girl Catness asks? Britney Mark says the one from Marko's clothing Catness asks? Awwwe so how long have you two been going out for Catness asks? One year next week Mark says so are you getting married soon yep unless something happens like this place getting bombed to bits or a Civil war suddenly breaking out in the next year I think will be all right Mark says. Will Goode for you Catness says hay lazy turn the camera on Dug says what Catness says as Mark lifts the camera up over his shoulder and turns it on.
We're shooting a show about the lives of Peace Keepers Dug says yeah like you people even do anything Gale says under his breath. Well well well Dug says into the camera looks like we got a rebel time to show you all what we do to rebels in District Twelve Dug says. Go Go Gagit Baton Dug says pulling a Baton out every one just stairs at him what Dug says? Sir we all don't sit around all day watching TV on the Internet we do other things Mark says what the hell like what Dug asks? Well I hunt Catness says I also hunt and when I do I picture your face on every animal I kill Gale says to Dug oh that's so nice Dug says in a happy is that good yeah Sir I kind of have to agree with Gale over their that is definitely an insult Mark says. I know and that's why I'm so happy you lost me their Mark says you lost me when you were happy because I insulted you Gale says you had me with those big brown eyes come hear you big Marshal law enforcing hunk Catness says and throws herself at Mark. An awkward silence follows Catness looks around oh this is awkward you have no ideal Gale says sorry I thought we were talking about something else and I just blurted it out and oh I'm so embarrassed Catness says. Yeah will Gale begins wait do you like me Mark says? Mark not the time any ways I found my afishal Pease Keepers Hand Book Dug says as he pulls a giant book out of nowhere.
Where did that come from you mean my feelings for you well that started Catness begins to say when Mark says no that book where did that come from? Quiet people I'm read ing over hear Dug says I'm surprised you even know how to read as you guys are so busy eating all of our food and drinking all of our beer Gale says. Oh that's it as soon as I figure out what offenses you've committed I'm so arresting you Dug says. Oh here we go Dug says looking at a page in the book three twenty two insulting an officer of the law one fifteen eighty two because I feel like it good Dug says looking up at Gale your under arrest. Ohthats bull shit let me see that last one Gale says oh you see I would but it would be wasted on you because District Twelve people can't read Dug says mockingly. Can two Gale says mommy has been teaching me to read every night after dinner. Oh really spell cat Dug says cat c.a.t Gale says spelling it out. Ok spell bat then Dug says bat Gale says spelling the word ok spell sir can we please leave Mark says? Ok bet you can't spell Anti Disestablishment Sir you can't even spell that word Mark says shhhhhush Mark your embarrassing me dug says. No embarrassing me was that time when you pretended you were drunk and called my sister this is just sad Mark says. You have a sister Catness asks? Yes why Mark says looking at her? Oh because I swing both ways Catness says will damn dug! Wow what a freak Mark says I know right does that turn you on Catness asks? Holey shit Gale says sorry I can't stop saying weird things around hot guys Catness says. That explains all the random outbursts when you're around me and Jim the Gym teacher and oh god and that time with my mother oh god Catness Gale! Sorry I think I have a thing for older women too oh god I'm affishaly turned off Dug says. What are you talking about your just as weird as her Mark says what no I'm not dude you hit on my sixteen year old sister all the time Mark says. Wait what she's only sixteen Dug yells yeah dude Mark says oh shit will she needs to stop saying she's twenty one on Face Book that's very misleading, and apparently I need to call and apologize to her friend Salina Dug says. What Mark says will do you remember last year when we went back home for Leave and we were helping your dad donate stuff Dug asks? Yes Mark says and do you remember when you and your dad were helping set up that Pick nick at The Sun Rise Senior Citizen's Community Home Dug asks? Do I even want to know where this is going Mark asks? Will you don't I was being sarcastic explain your action's Mark says. Will while you guys were there I was supposed to bring the car you wanted to give away to Mr. and Miss. Price so I got on the road to drive, when I see Salina walking up the street so me being the nice guy that I am offered her a ride. There is nothing nice about you Mark says under his breath what Dug says nothing just keep going that's what she said Dug says. Mark gives dug a nasty look sorry I've wanted to do that all day Dug says behind them Gale says now while there distracted lets sneak away Gale whispers. So where in the car and Salina is telling me about how she's worried about how she'll never meet a good guyand how her last boyfriend was an ass whole and five minutes later where behind Applebee's doing it Dug says. Then afterword's I drove to the Prices' house and gave them the car Dug says with a huge grin on his face. It sucks she was only fifteen because I was planning to hit that again on our next Leave Dug says. But it looks like I owe her an apology Dug says did you at least spray the van after words Mark asks? No Dug says and Mark gives him that nasty look again what Dug says? So you just walked up to the house drove up actually Dug says whatever you drove up and just gave them the car Mark says? Yeah why that's what you all told me to do Dug says? You're an ass whole Mark says how am I an ass whole I gave them the car Dug says? Yeah smelling like sex Mark says and what's wrong with that Dug says. What's wrong with that its incredibly disrespectful Mark says how Dug says? How is it disrespectful Mark says in an angry voice it smells like sex yeah so it probably reminded them of the good old days when they could have sex Dug says. You know what I'm going let's go Mark says and he turns off the camera and walks.
They walk for a while in silence when Dug says you know where I've always wanted to go? No where Mark asks turning his head to look at Dug. Cuba I hope to retire there one day dug says why Cuba Mark asks? Because their wealthy all of the wars missed them and they made a killing selling to both sides and with their wealth they've expanded and last I heard there economy is still booming. Speaking of that did you hear that exspltion Mark asks? No what then a boom sounds in the distance quick get the camera ready this might be exciting Dug says.
Ok Mark says and pulls the camera out and places it on his shoulder lets go. Dug turns to the camera and says sometimes being a Peace Keeper you need to be able to rush into duty like now for example Dug says and starts running. Dug gets there first and looks around a tree oh it's just Rob and Albert Dug says as he says this Mark comes panting up behind him. Who is it Mark says? Oh it's just Rob and Albert Dug says fuck so I ran up hear for nothing Mark says. Will I wouldn't say nothing you got some exercise out of it and the way your panting it sounds like you need it dug says. You know I go to the gym every day we could go and work out some time you know Dug says. I'm good I actually go to the gym every day Mark says oh what time do you go? Oh like four a.m. Mark says really that's when I go hum must of missed you this morning and yesterday morning and last month and your fool of shit you're not fooling any one Dug says laughing. That's because I actually go to another gym Mark says oh yeah and what's the name of your gym Dug asks? Um it's called Morth I mean North West District Twelve health and Fitness Mark says yeah scratching the back of his head. So it's called Morth no North you dick stop mocking me I'm only mocking you because your gym is complete bull shit there is only one gym in District Twelve there too poor to have their own gym your just lazy Dug says.
Dug walks into the clearing and says what's up guy's? Hay Dug what's up Albert says as he throws a grenade it hits a tree and it explodes. Will what are you two doing today Dug says as Mark walks over with his camera? Well like most days we have nothing to do so we're just entertaining ourselves until our shift ends and we go back into town and get to be board there Rob says. God this place is so boring I hope that something happens soon Rob says what like a Rebellion Albert asks? Oh then we get to run into battle guns blazing and be hero's Albert says. Yeah but your forgetting one thing Mark says and what's that Albert asks? Everyone hates us we're the most hated people in the world Mark says. Ok but the people in the Capital will love us Albert says yeah but everyone hates them too Mark says god you're a Negative Nancy Dug says and tosses a grenade. The Grenade rolls down a hill and hits a old lady she screams and is gone oh crap Dug says. Will I take that back now everyone hates us even more Mark says I swear I didn't see her Dug says will at least we can't get any more hated Mark says.
Down the street a tank is being driven by a man named Donavan he sits in the tank beer in one hand and his IPhone in the other really loud music plays in the back ground. The song is Welcome to Detroit by Emanime he takes a sip of beer back up the hill where Dug,Mark,Albert,and Rob sit talking a blind man stands on the side of the road. The blind man stands there listening for cars not hearing anything he moves his long White cane in front of him and moves it right to left. Back in the tank Welcome to Detroit has given way To High Way to Hell by ACDC yes I love this song Donavan says and takes a sip of beer. The Blind man is now in the middle of the street and in the tank Donavan is rocking back and forth eyes closed and singing I'm on a high way to hell I'm on a high way to hell. Back where the guys are Dug is saying into the camera don't try this at home or do what the fuck do I care you are such a great inflowince on kids Mark says. At that moment Mark happens to turn his head to the right and see the tank barreling up the road. Marks mouth drops open and he yells holy shit that blind dude is but he is cut off as the tank runs over the blind man and keeps going. Will there goes what little like ability we had left we are probably down at Tax Collector likeability now Mark says don't be to glum I like my Tax Collector Albert says. Really you guys still use Tax Collectors why I just do my Taxes on line come on it's the Fifty Fifth Century get modern Rob says. You guys pay taxes what a bunch of tools Dug says laughing come on Mark lets go dug says and walks.
Dug walks up to the mouth of the mine Mark behind him with the camera the mouth of the mine is a huge cave like entrance in side is a tunnel lit by small lanterns. In the back is an elevator two Peace Keepers stand guard in front of it. One of them holds an IPhone in one hand the other is reading magazine hay Will Dug says. The man holding the magazine just stands there hello Bruce Dug says to the man reading the magazine. Why aren't they talking to us Mark asks I don't know Dug says fuck it lets go Dug says. Dug and Mark start to walk towards the elevator when Bruce stops them he grabs Dugs arm and turns him towards him. Then Bruce points to a sign it reads all people passing through must either pay us Five Dollars or one doughnut or any of the following baked goods. Below that is a list of excepted foods it reads HoHO's ,Cup Cakes, Doughnut Sticks,Any type of cookies, Cinnamon Roles, and Suzy Q's end of sign. I see Dug says will unforchinitly we are lacking in food or money Dug says don't be a cheap basterd you got at least a hundred dollars on you Mark says. What no I don't Dug says your full of shit I saw you take one hundred dollars this morning from the money pool Mark says. Fuck will nice going jack ass Dug says turning to Mark, you know I was going to buy you a nice steak dinner with that money but you had to go and ruin it dug says. Yeah and your full of shit Mark says ha ha Bruce says laughing you two are always good for a laugh you don't have to pay we won't charge are own Bruce says. You know it's a good scam has it worked Mark asks? No these people are two poor to give us money and don't have any food we were making a small profit in pocket change but when the first one of those basterds learned what that sign said he started using it as an excuse to not come to work. He'd say things like oups don't have Five Dollars or food to give can't go to work going fishing and would leave and soon more and more people started using it to get out of work so yep Bruce says. We really need to take that sign down but oups to lazy and can't find my tools Bruce says hay is the Forman in Dug asks? Yeah he's in just go down to level two he's in his office Bruce says thanks Dug says as he walks bye. They board the elevator and disappear.
A man sits in his office he is short with blond hair brown eyes and wears a gray uniform on his desks sits a lap top he has a microphone attached to his face. Ok I'm moving to take the school bus Hank hold position in that bakery and get ready to lay down suppressing fire. Ok this is going to take all of our concentration the mission depends on us capturing this Iranian Spy ok let's go the man says. Ok this will be hard I need complete concentration ok one two at that moment the door bursts open hay James Dug yells damn'it James says. Damn'it Dug I told you not to run in and shout like that I told you we should have entered quietly look we've interrupted him from doing important Forman Stuff Mark says. Yeah James says important Forman stuff he says as he quickly closes his lap top so what can I do for you today James says? Well we need some information but I guess we need to fill you in on why we've come to you and what we're doing Mark Mark told him the whole story from the beginning of this story about the TV show and the story Farmer John had told them to why they were hear at the end of the story James sat up and said holy shit. God almighty I wish I could have this kind of advencher you two must be the luckiest men on Earth James says yeah we are pretty ossom Dug says with a smile. Yeah ok James says but any ways yeah if there is anything weird in this place it's going to be in the east minds James says.
So how do we get there Dug asks? It's going to be hard but I can show you James says that's what she said Dug says. Ok can we get serious James says that's what she said Mark says oh I see what you did there nice James says. Ok if you ladies are done gossiping lets go Dug says wait is that a that's what she said James asks? No I think he just called you a lady Mark says no he called you a lady James says no James retorts it was you oh my god shut up both of you , you are both acting like bitches on their periods Dug says. Dug , James , and Mark go to leave Dug opens the door in front of it stands a tall blond woman she wears a black mini skirt black heals and a white shirt her eyes are blue she looks pist. Hay sexy where have you been all day but she grabs Dug and hearls him onto the floor before he can finish hay baby no we should start with some for play first Dug says. The blond woman then kicks dug in his side wow damn I've never tried rough sex before Dug says as the blond woman kicks him in the face. Oh baby to rough Dug says as the blond picks him up and throws him dug stop talking you'll only make her pister James says. Actually it's just pist there's no such thing as pister you can be pist oh god not the groin Dug yells kick and he goes flying. Why is this happening Mark asks? My secretary Hannah doesn't like the b word James says you mean bi James slaps a hand over Marks mouth shhhhhh you moron James says. So Mark says as Dug screams no not my arm as much as I am enjoying getting this on camera believe me this will make for some great ratings Mark says how do we end it? All he needs to do is apologize to Hannah for using the b word James says, I see ok Mark says.
Dug what Dug yells as he goes flying up into the air from a Kick from Hannah you need to apologize to Hannah Mark yells. Who the hell is Hannah Dug says as Hannah round house kicks him and he stumbles back words. The woman who's currently kicking your ass Mark says oh the bitch Dug says at that moment Hannah jumps up in the air and kicks dug in the face. You can't say that it only makes her more mad Mark yells as Hannah jumps on top of her desk and then jumps on top of Dug. Dug stop being a bitch and apologize to the homicidal woman Mark yells hay this is taking forever I'm going for a drink do you want one James asks? Yeah Mark says ok follow me James says and walks towards his office Mark is about to leave Hannah punches him in the back of the neck. Oh what did I say Mark says as Hannah grabs himand throws Mark next to Dug.
Oh I said the b word didn't I Mark says as he lays on the floor yep Dug says but I have good news what's that Mark says as Hannah walks back over towards can't kick both of our ass's and since now her rage is focused on you I can escape Dug says laughing. Will I'll see you around Dug says as he gets up but Hannah see's him grabs the back of his neck and throws him back down oh look your back I see your plan went well Mark says as Hannah starts kicking him again. Well since your back how about we try my plan Mark says your plan do you even have a plan Dug says? Yeah and it goes like this hay Hannah we're sorry we didn't mean to be so insensitive you are a butafull woman and you deserve are respect. Women have contributed so much to society like dude over kill Dug whispers interrupting Mark. So basically what I'm trying to say is please don't kill my stupid partner and I Mark says hay Dug says I'm not shut up Mark hisses. Mark looks up at Hannah she looks at him then Dug, Dug cringes she looks at James and says I'll have that report by three and skips to her desk. Now let's get the hell out of here Dug whispers to Mark good ideal Mark says as he gets up and they run out of the room in a minute James joins them and they walk towards the elevator. As they wait for the elevator to arrive they stand in silence. So I guess Ass Kissing One O One was not a waste of time Mark says. What James asks oh will back when we were at the Peace Keeper Academy genius over hear wanted to take Ass Kissing One O One I told him he was a fool but he took it any ways Dug but it saved us today Mark says actually apologizing saved us today Dug says with a smirk. What you did was over kill Dug says Mark is about to retort but the elevator arrives at that moment and James says get on.
They are on the elevator it is a gray box with buttons on the right side they are yellow surrounded by a black panel. So want to know a little about this elevator and mine? No Dug says yes Mark says damn itMark Dug says. Will this mine is relatively new it was opened in the early Twenty First century so it's new compared to the other mines James says will that's interesting Mark says. This mine was thought to be out of Cole by Twenty Forty Nine but new Cole was discovered and this town boomed again James says. Oh then what happened well and then the room fills with the sounds of snoring they look over to see Dug asleep oh so that's how you shut him up James says. Yeah he hates anything remotely educational if he's pissing me off I'll just turn on PBS or a tape of an old Presidential debate and he's out Mark says. Sounds like this could be fun James says oh it totally is watch this oh look the boob channel Mark says. Boobs where Dug says and snaps awake he looks around wow that is cool so all I do to make him go back to sleep is talk about history or something James says? Yeah Mark whispers back so then in two thousand one hundred the mind was closed because humanity discovered other means snoring fills the elevator again. James laughs hay watch this hay Dug the Detroit Lions are about to win the Super Bawl Mark says yeah right not even in this reality James says Mark elbows him.
Dug jumps up really after all these years My Lions are about to win the Super bowl oh I'm so happy we did it mom Dug says we did it. Music begins to play as Dug pulls a list out of his pocket I want to thank Larry, Uncle Mace, Ant Cassidy, and then Dug see's where he is and says. Hay I'm not in Charley's Bar and Grill I'm still on that shitty elevator fuck you two James and Mark start laughing oh you two are ass wholes Dug says. Hay Dug James says what Dug says in a sad voice this mine was used in Three Thousand One to snoring fillles the elevator again wow that was fast Mark says. Well that was fun but I can't think of any other way to screw with him Mark says oh I got something James says and what's that Mark says? So we are almost to the bottom James says ok Mark says so hold on James says he goes over to the panel and hits a red button. A female voice says you are now disconnected from the rope have fun then the sensation of falling a crash Mark and Dug scream James laughs. What the hell man Mark yells yeah what the hell dug says ha ha I got you James says hahaha god let me kill him Mark says hum would be interesting for the viewer's dug says. You ass whole what was that for Mark asks? Oh lighten up it was a joke a joke we play on everyone who comes to this mine James says. You ass whole you could of killed us Mark says I think we've used that word enough let's try another word in the English dickshanary Dug says. How about cun but Mark is interrupted as a deep voice says how do you know you aren't dead then horrible deep laughter follows Dug and Mark jump thirty feet into the air and James laughs. Ha-ha got you again James says ass whole Mark says hay that's pretty beast how'd you do that Dug asks? I'll explain on the way lets go James says and they start walking.
So we just decided one day let's put hidden speakers in the wall's and fuck with people James says dude that's beast Dug says you guys have too much free time on your hands Mark says. Yeah and we make good use of it using the speakers to screw with the workers dressing up like ghost's during the midnight shifts to fuck with people. Wow so everything down hears is run by people with too much time on their hands Dug says it's all fake Mark says oh I wouldn't say that the deep voice says again. James will you please turn off that voice it's really starting to creep me out Mark says you can't turn off what's real the deep voice says and Mark and Dug jump. They turn to where they hear the voice in front of them is a turn in the tunnel James Dug calls but James is gone you need to leave the deep voice says leave and don't come back it says as it rounds the corner. It is a ghost ha-ha Dug says that's not going to work I've seen Scooby Doo all we need to do is unmask you and you'll be the Gardiner or the Chef or something like that Dug says. Dug grabs the ghost and pulls the sheet away ha see I told you oh god it's a Skeleton Dug says. Ok maybe we should run Mark says no I'm not going to be known for pulling a Frenchy Dug says and pulls the skeleton Mask off it's the face of a Zombie oh shit a Zombie Mark says fuck I just made it worse Dug says. Wait it might be ok hay are you the fast or slow moving zombie Dug says? I'm the eat your freaken brains out Zombie it says will that's enough for me Mark says by Dug I'll see you later Mark says. Hay don't run like a French you need to face your fear it gets better Dug yells ok one more time what are you Dug says pulling off the mask. See it is oh god! Dug oh god is right it's me Satan it says well things just got worse Dug says. So Dug since you're down hears why not join me in hell Satan says? Oh I'm good I'm just going to leave now and Dug starts running. Ok bye see you in a year Satan says what do you mean by that Dug says? Dug shut up and get on the elevator Mark says wait how is it fixed? I don't know it's convenient for the plot are you really asking this question now Mark asks? They get on and the elevator ascends Dug looks down and see's the face of Satan by he says remember one year have fun and get those crabs checked out Satan says.
Satan stands at the bottom of the elevator shaft and then removes his mask the final face is of President Snow James walks up to him well sir we got them James says. Yep once again I've stopped people from discovering the secret technology under the mountain the security of our nation is strong President Snow says. Man Farmer John really knows how to lower those fools down hear James says yep President Snow says as they take a side tunnel. Man I really know how to play a monster President Snow says yeah you've got lots of experience from everyday life James says. President Snow and James start to laugh your funny President Snow says punching James in the side thank you sir but no you are a monster James says President Snow laugh's again the music that is played at the end of the Show Archer plays and President Snow and James walk away. As Dug and Mark ride up the elevator Mark says hay did Satan just tell you to get those crabs checked? No he said go to Giant and pick up Crabs you know the dinner kind Dug says no I'm pretty shore he said get your crabs checked out which means you have an STD Mark says. I do not Dug says dude you got to tell all those women you've slept with like Jazzmen from the Strip Club Kelsey from the flower shop Denise from wait where do you know Denise from Mark asks? Oh shut up Mark Dug says dude I'm just saying you should get tested and tell them I would if I were you Mark says. Who would you tell you haven't slept with anyone Dug says well not District Twelve women but I've slept with thirty one from District Four and twenty from District one Mark says. Wow that's a lot and why none from District Twelve Dug says? Because I wouldn't touch District Twelve women with a twelve foot pole Mark you made a pun Dug says wait what oh I get it Mark says then the elevator arrives at the top of the mine and they see James.
James what are you doing here Mark asks? James doesn't say anything but just stands there oh my god he's a ghost Dug yells wait how do you know that he could just be like fuck you too I'm not speaking to you guys anymore kind of like what my sister does to you Dug Mark says. One really that's why she isn't returning any of my texts what a bitch and two we'll use the ghost test Dug says. What's the ghost test Mark asks? Easy I just shoot him with a silver bullet and if he dies then we know he's real Dug says what Mark says? Then Dug grabs his gun and shoots James he falls over ha-ha got you you son of a bitch Dug says. You fucktard why did you shoot me? We thought you were a ghost come to haunt us from the mine Mark says and I just wanted an excuse to shoot you you know for leaving us in a mine like that Dug says. Oh I see so you said I was a ghost so you could say I got to protect my friend but you onperpisly conveniently to you confused the way to kill a Vampire for the way you get rid of ghost so you could shoot me James says. Ok run that by me again Mark says basically what he's saying I did is called the pretend a person on your team is a ghost say I need to get rid of said ghost, but I can't remember if you get rid of ghost with a silver bullet or however you get rid of ghost so I'm just going to shoot it. Then you say oh crap I didn't realize that you were on my team oups can't be court Marshald tactic Dug says. Oh ok I get it so it's just like the I don't care if there is a friendly in front of me there is an enemy over there and you just happened to be in the way and I get to shoot you law established fifteen years ago Mark says Yep Dug says god it's great being the bad guys getting to do whatever we want Dug says stealing employees pay checks to cover gambling debts James says borrowing stuff without telling people like when I borrowed the tank to break up with my last x girlfriend Mark says, and being evil means that after you die James we get to go through all of your possessions and rob you blind so hurry up and die Dug says kicking him. Ok fine god I wanted one more nice conversation before I died but you ass wholes just want me out of the way James says. Actually it's just ass whole I'm content to talk to you until you die Mark says oh will thanks James says so what do you want to talk about Mark says? Oh will I never finished telling you guys the history of the mine James says with a smile the history of the mines didn't we finish that Dug says? No we only covered the first week we still have one thousand more years to go James says Dug screams hay shhhh James says I can't think of where we left off with all that screaming James says scratching his chin. Now we left off at when the mine was closed because they didn't need Cole anymore James says. Ok so they didn't need Cole any more so they closed the mines but then all the Oil and Cole company's went out of business so they started a terrorist company to blow up all the wind Milles and stuff. So then the Liberals got mad and this launched Civil War two James says in a deep voice. Then in the mits of all the fighting former President George W Bush the fifth launches a nuclear missile and blows up this whole area James says. James keeps talking and five hours pass then after two centuries of rebuilding man finally gets itself up and everyone is happy when suddenly out of nowhere the Marshins invade James says excitedly. Really Marshins Dug says I find that hard to believe yeah me too Mark says but it really happened James says looking up at them dude how long has this been going on Mark asks? My watch says about five hours Dug says ok wait you wear a watch Mark asks? Yeah why is that a crime Dug says no I'm just surprised everyone just uses their phones well it's a watch passed down from my dad Dug says. Can I see it Mark asks? Shore I guess dug says wow it's really nice where is it from Mark asks? Oh it's from Switzerland Dug says oh yeah and the last resistance of man against the Marshans was based in Switzerland it was a great battle ok your taking for ever to die time to help Mark says and shoots James. Thank god I thought that was going to go on forever Dug says as he reaches into James's pockets. Yeah I know right Mark says as he heads towards James office Dug puts James down and follows Mark after half an hour they return from James's office. That was a good rob Dug says yeah Mark says what did you get? A bag of coke , some Playboys, An Xbox, and a gift card to I HOP Dug says what about you? I got his book of x girlfriends, a blunt, some of his sex toys what Dug says laughing really he had sex toys Dug says interrupting Mark. Hay is there weed in the blunt Dug asks? Yes want to smoke Mark asks? Dude is President Snow a dic yes I want to smoke Dug says hay why does everyone think I'm such a dick President Snow asks? Oh we didn't mean you we were talking about your brother you mean President Frost of Canada President Snow asks? Oh yeah he's a huge dick I hate him so you guys really think I'm doing a good Job President Snow asks? Well um you know come on President Snow says yes you're doing a good job Dug says I voted for Maclean in the last election Mark says under his breath yeah you're doing great. Good and my bills and agenda are ok with you two President Snow says? Yes Dug says yeah I'm totally in favor for guns for Dolphins that's genius Mark says sarcastically I mean you're doing good Mark says. Cool then let's smoke to getter President Snow says and they walk off.
Dug stands in a room behind him are white walls hi I'm Dug Kingston we've had a lot of fun today but I want to talk about a serious matter yes mine acksadince. Did you know in places like China one million people die from mining accsadince each day I know that's a lot of people? So I'm going to tell you what you should do if you see an abandoned mine one stay away I know we had a huge advincher in a mine but mines are no laughing matter like bald people are midgets they are serious things Dug says. Hay but on a unrelated note aren't midgets adorable you know every time I see a midget I just want to take them dress them up and walk around with one in a stroller and say yep that's my son am I the only one who wants to do that Dug asks? Yes and that's pretty fucked up too Mark yells oh will this add is brought to you by the counsel for mining safety and thanks for reading Dug says.